My Year in Review

Being the analytical gal that I am, I like numbers and facts and dates and data.  When it comes to relationships and dating, life is way more subjective than putting together the perfect formula for the man or woman of our dreams and riding off into the sunset.  As I say goodbye to 2013 not having found the love I was looking for, and forge ahead into 2014, I’ve taken an analytical look at my dating stats.

My little black book held 21 first dates this year.  The men have been as different as night and day, from executives to welders to PhDs, from the very attractive to not so much.  Despite their differences, in some ways, these men have been all the same…seems I have a knack for picking the wounded or emotionally unavailable, but I’m getting better!  In my quest to remain open-minded, I have had to cultivate when to say no, this won’t work or when to not grant a date in the first place.  Dating again in this day and age is a whole new learning curve and its okay to keep perfecting (and I use that word loosely) our game plan.

As I made a purposeful decision to throw out the rules to dating, I have learned so much about men and most importantly, me.  My friend Patrick always tells me after a dead-end date…”Just one step closer to the one you are supposed to be with.”  He’s right, you know.  Each date or man has taught me more of what I DO want and I’m getting better identifying the ones who won’t be good for me or to me. 

As you read below, remember, as you chuckle at their nicknames, they are not based solely on that one time meeting alone, but created from my oh-so-scientific-predate-data-gathering!   I want to share my adventures so you can learn along with me…and help you realize after a string of mismatches, there is always a lesson to be learned, my friends.  In no particular order, let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

”No Vibe”…Great conversation, but parted agreeing we weren’t a match.  However, while I imagined he was not sexual at all, I found out later through a text conversation where he was seeking advice, that he’s a crazy freak!  Lesson:  Even the kinkiest guys can be pickup-driving, conservative –hair-styling, buttoned-to-the-collar shirt-wearing wolves in sheep’s clothing.

”Bad-Breaker-Upper”  and I went out with three times.  We had a little chemistry, easy conversation and he wanted to date only one person.  However, he was too sensitive, which became abundantly obvious when I told him I didn’t want to see him again.  Lesson: If he’s more sensitive than a girl, he’s probably going to act like a drama queen when you tell him goodbye!

”Kissy Face” was the best kisser ever until that point and is as crazy about kissing as me.  But something seemed off…I explained it to myself that he’d been a bachelor for 9 years, alone too long.  Now that I’m wiser, I think I was ‘the other woman.”  Lesson:  Don’t make excuses for their lack of availability, odd communication patterns…they are likely hiding something…YOU!  

”Brit 2” was hands-down the most aloof man I’ve met.  During face-to-face time, he was all there.  Although he is very accomplished professionally, think absent-minded professor.  We did have a three hour kiss once that was super amazing…and he taught me about proper English nylons!  Lesson: Enjoy your time together, but aloofness will never leave you satisfied.

”2 Open 2 Soon” was the sexually confused trainwreck in my Sex and the City blog… ‘nuff said!   
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-real-life-episode-of-sex-and-city.html

”Square Peg” was super interesting with a wide range of interests that excited me.  He also shared a d*ck pic with me, unsolicited I assure you, yet had me in awe.  I mean, Ladies, we aren’t visual, but it was actually PRETTY…who knew?  However, we met in person and there was just nothing…it was the shortest date I’ve been on, I was literally watching the clock.  Lesson: Sometimes no matter how good a package looks, there’s just no way it’s worth unwrapping!

”BoyToy” is someone I definitely need to share with y’all.  I needed to focus on other things than finding love, so we agreed to a strictly physical relationship.  Being 12 years younger than I, he was all fun!  Lesson: It’s okay to take breaks on your quest for love…and there’s no shame doing so with a young stallion with unlimited libido and youthful stamina!

”Metaphor Man” was my Catalyst of Vulnerability as I have shared with you here.  I learned so much with him but as an “US”, we weren’t growing together.  Lesson:  Some people are there simply to prepare you for the next person, make your feel beautiful, open your mind to new thought and challenge you.

”Timid Tom” puzzled me…he guided me in purchasing my new car, similar values, decent chemistry and kisses, but he remarked he was intimidated by my confidence.  Lesson: If he has the nerve to tell you he’s afraid, he’s REALLY afraid…put him out of his misery and move on.

”Preppy Playboy” I met in a park for a walk.  He was obviously a professional skirt-chaser who never grew up and likely supported by his parents.  Lesson: Sometimes it just takes a couple of minutes to see obvious flaws…I have enough children to take care of, thank you very much!   

”The Farmer” was sweet and kind, yet despite a farmer’s masculinity, I felt he was just too soft for me.  Lesson: Even though I’m a nice girl looking for a nice guy in this crazy mixed-up world, there is such a thing as TOO nice!

”The VP” a good-looking, middle school vice principal (God bless his soul) who kept trying to convince me he was after more than just sex, which he never got, by the way.  Lesson: When you’re at a school event and your VP is looking important using his smart phone, it's probably not school business, he’s just sexting.

“Creature of the Night” was always just a little too secretive, wouldn’t share a photo, but an amazing communicator so I imagined he was just smart and excentric.  I was wrong!  He was awkward and socially creepy.  Lesson:  Some things are left better in the dark.

“The One who Ran Away” seemed like the love I had always wanted which induced a whirlwind romance.  He professed his love to me quite quickly, was planning our future lives together and then just disappeared.  No warning.  No explanation.  No disagreements.  He just left me a heart full of confusion and hurt.  Finally, FOUR months later, he had decided he wasn’t good enough for me. Lesson:  If they run right into your life, they might just run right out.  Going forward, I shall still be free to run, but I’ll wear high heels to slow down our pace.

“Dead Head” is named that because he has a very unusual career.  This was a set up/blind date, but He is younger without comparable life experience.   He did keep asking to be an FWB, but I was looking for a more, and not with him.  Lesson: Don’t settle for what you’re NOT looking for no matter how horny you might be!

“Turnip Truck” was FRESH off the marriage truck which I purposefully avoid.  He seemed harmless and a little lost so I agreed to meet.  I felt zero attraction in person and he kept telling me how disappointed he was that I would not grant him his first post-divorce kiss.  Lesson: Just say no to Rescue Dating!

“Fast Forward” and I met online one day and in person two days later for coffee.  He was instantly touchy-feely in the middle of Starbucks and planning our kids meeting.  Um, word to the men, never ever talk about meeting family on a first date…it freaks us out and keep your touching in check!  Lesson: Always meet in public places…I shudder to think if it had been more private.

“McDreamy” you met in “Exquisite Torture.”  The lesson remains, even torture is worthwhile sometimes.
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/exquisite-torture-continued-from-over.html

“Good on Paper” is the man in this blog (http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-kind-of-man-is-he.html) and the lesson is one we can take from Latino culture.  They have a saying “Uno beso dice todo” which means “One kiss tells all”…and that my friends, is why if there any possibility of a second date by the end of a first one, go ahead and kiss him!

“Smarmy Guy” contacted me through a meetup group we were in and asked about a local bar.  It ended with us meeting at one the following day.  He was hilarious while he entertained everyone sitting near us at the bar…I hadn’t laughed that hard in ages.  In that situation, I couldn’t get a read on him, except I told him I thought he was just looking for a hookup.   A week later he texted me and asked me to watch him pleasure himself via skype.  Lesson:  Some dates ONLY make for good blogging…and yes, I admit to embracing some things purely for blog fodder!

That, my friends is my list, well, except for number 21.  He’s my happy little secret for now, but you’ll meet him eventually!  I’ll give you a little hint…he’s from the UK, but of a different flavor than my others.

 All of my dating has taught me so many wonderful things!  I have met some truly amazing men…just not the man I am to love.  I enjoy sharing my stories with you, but have many more to elaborate on.  Tell me in the comments which characters do you want to hear about next!   May we all continue to learn lessons as we search for our love in 2014, each step bringing up closer to the love our heart desires.  May we find just what we are looking for…no, scratch that…May we find a love that is above and beyond our wildest dreams! 

The Art of a Kind Goodbye...

I believe in striving to be positive and kind.  My hope is that things are always just a little bit better for me being involved in them, even if they didn’t have the hoped-for outcome.  Life is too filled with disappointments, critics and nay-sayers to not remind people of why you value them.  I believe if you think something positive about someone, you should certainly say it.

During my post-divorce dating journey, there have been a few men I have spent more time with than a date or two.  Even though the majority don’t make it to a second date, there have been a few that piqued my interest enough that I wanted to see if there was relationship potential.  Regardless of why it ended at some point, it doesn’t change for me the fact that I thought enough of these men to give them my time and for those things, I am grateful.  For those same reasons, I want to remind them what drew me to them in the first place. 

Selfishly, I am also a person who likes closure so I like to tidy up anything else I need to say.  Now, all of these more significant players have remained friendly with me and I am grateful for this.  I don’t have any interest in being dramatic.  Oh, I know everyone says they hate drama and rarely actually avoid creating it at some point, but I really do.  Sure, I could tell the man what I didn’t appreciate about him but what good does that do besides create enemies and people you want to hide from if you see them at the grocery store?  I have no interest in that at all.  And I believe that if I put our positivity in my dating all the time, then not only will it be returned to me, but eventually it will bring the right person to me. 

Additionally, being a writer, I think sometimes it’s much easier for me to express myself through a letter with well thought out words than off the cuff.  A goodbye letter is also therapeutic for me and helps me get my thoughts organized for myself.  Often the letters are filled with emotion and exchanged back and forth for a better understanding of each other, even if it doesn’t change the results.  But overall, my number one goal is to thank them for what they contributed to me along this journey.  Each man, even the first-date-only ones, has helped me better define what I AM looking for…so remember, these are not failures, they are stair steps to the goal at the top of the stairs…the partner you’ve been wanting. 

Even the one-date-only men get a Thank you text and a polite message saying I don’t feel we’re a match and wishing them luck on their search.  I do believe there is someone for everyone…probably many someones, it can just take a while to find them.  Some of these same men have come to call on me to ask for dating advice and this would not have happened if I did the popular “fade out” or told them exactly why I didn’t think they are a match.  I promise, ladies, if you are positive, you will bring positivity to your dating life!

I am sincerely grateful for each of the lessons I’ve learned.  From the catalyst, I got to get my dating feet wet in a very safe place.  From the country boy I was able to find a quieter place in my life and find more peace after living with a chaotic ex husband for so many years.  From the preacher man I was extravagantly cared for and he showed me my worth.  From Metaphor man I learned vulnerability and to open myself up completely, without fear.      Even though I haven’t found true love yet, these men all made me a better version of myself, bred confidence in me and have helped me become a better catch for when my true love finds me. 

Of course the one-date guys have taught me some interesting, yet invaluable lessons…these men include Vice Principals to Farmers, Vice Presidents to Welders, Truck drivers to PhD’s, all looking for love, and/or sex.  I’ve learned first and foremost, texting or emailing too long before actually meeting can be a big mistake…the longer you talk, the more of a fantasy person you build up in your mind where rarely do your expectations match reality and it falls flat.  “Kissy Face” taught me that noticing the times of their availability may very well mean they are cheating on someone with you.  Several have taught me to not be too picky from the get-go…you can’t always judge a book by its cover, a man by his poor attempt at a dating profile…and that my dear friends, can go EITHER way.  I’ve also learned there are some really GREAT men out there who are amazing catches, even when they aren’t right for you and possibly for the most ridiculous reasons.  I’ve learned that there are men in open marriages or men that are openly looking for cheat who make no apologies about it.  I’ve learned to identify almost right away the men who really just want sex, no matter what else they tell you.  And these things have made ME more confident and wise, more trusting of my instincts from the start and that, as my friend Patrick says…each one is one step closer to true love! 

So I encourage you to be honest, open and positive not just to the men you really like and are most hopeful about, but even in the saying goodbye.  Be kind…there are too many people in this world who aren’t and then be kind to yourself.  Remember each time you practice the art of a kind, positive goodbye, you are one step closer to an amazing and future-changing hello!

Grateful when it's not quite enough...

I’ve been working on this post for days…because it’s one of those days I used to love and now just dread.  I started cooking Thanksgiving dinners when I was 15 or so.   The first couple of years my mom lovingly guided me from the kitchen table, although she always did the baking, except for the pumpkin pie…mine was better than hers, but I hate to bake.   With each passing year, especially once I got married and I had china and silver and crystal, the meals and table settings got more elaborate.   Being the only child of an only child and my other parents’ siblings had died young, our table wasn’t surround with a lot of family, but we always found people who didn’t have anywhere else to go that day and they became our annual “thanksgiving family.”  Over the years, the thanksgiving family got to know each other and everyone looked forward to their annual catching up.  And each year, there would be new friends because a few of the old would have other plans…it was always exciting to me to see who would be around the tables. 

But what happens when life starts throwing some major curveballs?  The first came when I lost a child who every year would sing silly Thanksgiving songs after the meal.  He loved to eat, entertain and be hospitable and anytime we had cake,he said it was a party!  So “Turkey Feast” as we called it, was his kind of bliss.  The first Thanksgiving after we lost him, we decided to shake it up and do a brunch instead, but it didn’t really help and I still miss our traditional version of Thanksgiving.   The next year I was back to OUR old thanksgiving and again the year after, they were smaller  but I had no idea it would be my last big thanksgiving meal, and my last with my mom. 

Months after my mom died, who by then was basically my last living family member, we packed up and moved 1400 miles away where I anticipated scaled down holidays while dealing with some pretty profound grief.  While nothing compares to losing a child, losing your roots, the family that raised you and stabilized you has been paralyzing for me in many ways.  I don’t want it to be.  I want to be able to be bigger than it, glass half full, bright side, sunny disposition…I’ve always said I’m a realist with a lean towards the positive.  I’ve never allowed myself to be marked by and steeped in grief…I couldn’t live there, it’s just not me.  However, for someone that always went all out for the holidays, I miss that part of me and long to have it back some day.

Quite honestly, I never enjoyed having a small family, which is not only why we collected people over the years but also why I wanted to have a bunch of kids.  I excitedly anticipate the day they come for the holidays with significant others and kids in tow…I know a full house will give me a full heart!    But that’s years off…and we’ve moved states two more times since that 1400 mile move….so starting a collection of people hasn’t happened as easily as I would have liked.  This year, I tried…in fact, I contemplated even putting an ad somewhere online.  I know there are others like me, especially single parents whose kids will go to their ex’s house and they can’t be with their family for whatever reason.  My dream would be to have those people surrounding my table someday, a new “Thanksgiving Family.”  When my efforts of late were getting me nowhere, I realized a couple of things.

First, I started telling myself that I needed to be content with a thanksgiving for four…and to be happy I don’t even have to share part of the day with their dad.  I am unbelievably grateful for my kids…but honestly that’s something I feel every day.   So I started telling myself I need to be happy with “what is” versus what used to be, or what should be, or I wish would be. 

I began to tear those things apart and evaluating them this week.  I will never have those experiences again that I had the first 15-20 Thanksgivings I prepared.  Besides the most significant players having all died, the other players have married, had kids or grandkids and their lives have all changed too.  They have new places to go for dinner and I am genuinely happy for them.  Then I thought about my last two Thanksgivings where I live now…there have actually been three but I can’t recall the one before.  Two years ago, my ex husband and I had finalized our plans to divorce just two days before Thanksgiving and announced it to our world where we told everyone “we completed our marriage.”  We actually spent Thanksgiving separately….he went to one set of friends and the kids and I went to another.   But the kids complained we didn’t get to eat their favorites so we had a mini version that Sunday, where all five of us ate our last meal at a table together.  I know you’re thinking “No wonder you aren’t happy today!”   Honestly our marital relationship was over years before and so both of us felt some level of relief and it really was okay.  I just happen to be on the slightly sentimental side and for his final two weeks still living with us kept thinking “This is the last time….” Or “He won’t get to be a part of this next time…”.

Then last year I had been dating someone for a couple of months and it was characterized by too-serious- too-fast, but I was grateful to have SOMEONE extra at our table, even though by then he ate with us every day.  His kids were with their mom and so we ate in almost complete silence as he was sad they weren’t there and honestly, it was plain awkward.   So revisiting the last two years, I can find some sort of thankfulness that I don’t have to go back to either of those things! 

What do I wish?  Well, I’d be happy with a myriad of scenarios as long as there it included a host of people.  I know I can’t bring my family back, I know I can’t pretend to be a part of someone else’s.  I know I can’t snap my fingers and make it all the way I wanted it.  Basically I just want to be with more people and the day to feel special.  I will not scroll facebook today because it’s a constant reminder that it just feels like another day here at my address…only with food I make just once a year.  I will avoid the stores tomorrow because I see all of the herds of relative shopping while I shop alone.   I will try to get through the next couple of days not remembering that I am untethered when I long for that more than anything else.  Somehow, I will sit at my table with the beautiful faces of my children and not feel guilty that I couldn’t give them a “thanksgiving family”, but hopefully we can still be grateful when it’s not quite enough.  

Love Letters

I have a young teenage son who has his first real girlfriend.  While any mom enjoys watching her children develop relationally, this is even more significant for me.  You see, my son has some social difficulties and always has…in fact, there have been many days I have hoped and prayed that he would be able to have a reciprocal relationship with a girl and eventually a woman.  My son has been with his gf since early summer, and my overwhelming opinion of her is that she’s a “stellar girl” who cares very much for him.

He came to me at the beginning of the week asking to earn some extra money to buy her a birthday gift.  We talked about what he might buy, eventually my daughter and I talked him out of spending it all on flowers, and extolled him to buy something lasting.  He had gotten her earrings on their first dates so he wasn’t excited about our suggestion of a necklace.  But a few days ago he told me that she had just asked him to write her a love letter…I knew I liked that girl!  Because my son is not only a man (in the making) but also HIM, I asked him if he wanted some nice paper to write his letter on…but being the scavenger in our family, he had already found my stationary and taken care of it himself.   I was able to convince him to get an envelope for it though.  Then, this morning before he left to see her, he had a recyclable shopping bag with one of his old teddy bears and when I peered into it, he said “The letter is in there!”  He gets it…THAT’s the important stuff!  Word with actions that follow…they’re important.  I looked at him and said, “You know, she’s going to keep this forever and when she’s my age she’s going to come across it one day and reread it.” 

Or maybe her kids will read it.  I recently came across the love letters of my grandparents.  They were married almost 40 years before my grandfather died and were a great example of marriage.  My grandmother was the oldest of five kids from a single mom and quit school to help provide for her family, my grandfather was a navy man and they met one time when he was on leave.  From the letters, I’ve learned that he would travel 400 miles, which meant 16 hours on a bus each way, just to spend the weekend with her.   Unfortunately, the scrapbook only contains his letters to her, although given that my grandfather later became a writer some of the letters are works of art, but it would be nice to have seen her replies. 

They met in June and the letters go through his Christmas leave when they spontaneously got married because his orders changed.  There is a letter for every day they were apart.  As I read them a few months ago, I savored each one…it was nice to see that even though in today’s world we may often wonder if love like this still exists (gosh I hope so,) but the thing I learned is that the patterns of early relationships and blooming love are still the same.  

Now, we have the follow up text after a date…Here’s old school follow up in 1947..

“I would like to thank you again for one of the most pleasant evenings I ever spent in my entire life.  I can’t remember when I’ve enjoyed myself more.  I am looking forward with great joy to many more of the same.”  And then…”I can still close my eyes and feel your lips.”

There were days he only had time for a quick letter…

“Not enough time for a letter but wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and missing you more than I would an arm!”

There’s cute flirting too about who owes whom a letter, him questioning her why she doesn’t think she’s beautiful.  I love reading she doesn’t know how to cook, to which he told her that he would marry her after she learned… this never changed by the way, because my grandfather was always the cook.  

Apparently she had the same worries with “the rules” that I am working on. Remembering it was a 40 year marriage, who can argue that within just after two weekends together, he replies with this:

“It isn’t how long one has known someone or how many dates they’ve had together-it’s the way one feels in his or her heart.  To me, it was a perfectly natural thing to do-I’d have felt badly if I hadn’t kissed you.  ‘TO THE PURE IN HEART, ALL THINGS ARE PURE.’ And as you said-it was a perfect way to end a perfect evening!  So now you can quit worrying about whether I think you’re a bad girl for kissing me.  My unbiased opinion of you is-I think you’re the sweetest,  most prettiest gal I know and I also think, all joking aside, that I’m in love with you!  So there, too.  I hope you like the idea as much as I do.”

Another time he says “Live your life with your own heart, conscience and sense of humor guiding you and you can’t possibly go wrong.”  Good advice for us all!

There’s times where they talk of how different THIS feels for them, how crazy love feels and not always liking those feelings.  Times sure have changed, but feelings… both fear and love…apparently haven’t.

“I’ve been thinking of you constantly all day long and missing you something fierce!  I miss you all the time but more today than ever before-don’t ask me why for I don’t know.  There’s no reason, that I can think of, why I should miss you so much more today than usual.  But I suppose if one understood all of ones actions and emotions it would be an awfully boring life. ..

“I’ll never hear ‘Peg of my heart’ again without thinking of you and having orange juice in the little place under the Coke weather sign.  That was a wonderful evening-but every single one of them has been wonderful, so that particular one was no exception.  Except for the fact that it gives me a definite memory of every time I hear the song.  But I have so many memories wrapped up in, and around, you.  How I wrote for a date because I had nothing definite to do one weekend-how adorable you were, and are-how perfect our first real date was-how very nice and completely natural our first kiss was-all the hours and kisses and teasing and just being with you that have followed and, please God, will continue to follow-all the little things I might have forgotten, and more that I’m looking forward to with the utmost eagerness.  You see, darling, I kinda love you and I’m kinda wrapped up in you and its all pretty new to me.  I can’t quite understand it all myself. “

These letters are both enlightening, comforting and also a shining beacon of what amazing love can be like.  My grandfather was planning to remain a bachelor and continue enjoying the company of many women until the right one caught his eye and then his heart.  My grandmother was serious and focused when they met… she was working hard and going to school at night to get her GED…she wasn’t waiting around to get married.  Somehow, the right person turned their world upside down, it’s amazing how the events of one day can turn your world upside down.   

My grandfather says it like this… “I’m sometimes forced to believe the moon and starts do play a part in one’s life.  I know most farmers plant according to the sign of the moon-or the most successful ones do.  Also the tides are controlled by the moon.  But my love for you in controlled by the grasp you have on my heart and by no other method!  The world and all in it might be governed by the sun and moon, my I am governed only by you.”

While my grandparents couldn’t  predict when or if love would come, and felt they may have little control over it, they knew it came at a worthy price, as my grandfather explains here:

“One never gets something for nothing.  You might and probably will think that’s pretty cynical but it’s what I truly believe.  I can’t remember getting something for nothing-not even love.  It has cost me more than anything before in my life!  Your love has cost me my heart and I’m still not sure I really like the ride, but my heart means a lot to me.  Of course, I got a real, fine price for it but it’s changing my life and I can’t get use to the idea.”  

Love costs us a lot…sometimes our plans, our rules or sometimes putting someone else’s needs before ours, sometimes it’s just our time or sometimes an extra chore to earn money to buy a gift.   The best sacrifice of all might just be sweet and heartfelt words thoughtfully written down on special paper by young lovers that not only fill their recipients’ heart with joy, but also touch the hearts of people who read them sixty-six years later.   

Embracing "The Power of Vulnerability"

 You know when you see a really good movie or have a really good meal and you want to tell all your friends so they can experience it too?  That is what I am doing today!  The "Power of Vulnerability" is the name of a TED talk I happened upon this morning.  If you aren’t familiar with TED, go spend some time on their website…it’s a bevy of goodness on every topic around from some of the most innovative and insightful folks ever.  This morning I didn’t find any talks that immediately jumped out at me in the new section so I picked “most shared this week” and I saw a talk by Brene Brown that caught my eye.  (The link will be at the bottom of this post.) 

Since Vulnerability is the newest lesson in my life right now and one that I am thinking and writing about as I discipline myself to practice daily, I eagerly clicked play.  I’m honestly utterly speechless, I'm changed and I hope you will be too.  Okay so maybe I'm not completely wordless, but will try to sum up some of the things that spoke to me, although  I hope you will watch it yourself and share your own thoughts. 

Brene is a "shame researcher," and as she studied shame as the fear of disconnection, she realized that the underpinning was excruciating vulnerability.  In order to have connection we must be seen.  

I actually remember reading a book about vulnerability early into my marriage and I thought, no way, ain’t happening, because I equated vulnerability with weakness.  I was never purposefully vulnerable with my husband because I never felt he could be trusted with it, or strong enough for it.  We went through some life challenges that few couples have to face and despite this, my most raw moments of vulnerability and pain happened, not with my him or even a family member, it happened with a friend.  I guess my ego was too big because I never believed that those I had some emotionally responsibility for, like my mom and husband, could handle the depth of my emotion.  I’m embarrassed to say that now…that if I fell apart they would, too, but it is what I thought and I never gave them the opportunity to prove otherwise.  So over the years, I actually got really quite proficient at talking about my life in facts but not in emotions, where they felt I was being very open but I was still only comfortable with my own outside view.  It’s something I am not proud of but it is because I found the risk of vulnerability excruciating.

Dr Brown looked at people who had a strong sense of love and belonging and were worthy of it.  She found them to be wholehearted and they had three commonalities:  

Courage…to be imperfect

Compassion…to be kind to themselves first and then to others

Connection…as a result of authenticity.  

They were willing to let go of the idea of who people thought they should be and fully embraced vulnerability as willingness to do something with no guarantees, investing themselves without any promise of a return.  She found that this was fundamental for them.

Figuring this out caused her to have her own spiritual awakening which is aptly how I would describe where I am right now.  Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear and worth, but it is ALSO the BIRTHPLACE of creativity, belonging, love and joy.  To be vulnerable is to surrender and walk into it without pushing back.  Pushing back is always what I’ve done before.  I could easily relay details and lists of experiences while simultaneously crossing my fingers in hopes that no one would ask me about my emotions, because that would require me to acknowledge what likely, only I, would see as a failure or weakness. 

She points out that our society teaches us to numb our vulnerability…in fact its often encouraged…we are told to have a bottle of wine, eat a vat of ice cream, buy yourself something extravagant, take medication to make you sleep or forget.  But the problem she points out and I’ve never thought of it before but it’s so, so true… we can’t selectively numb pain.  We can’t choose to numb our pain over loss, disappointment, anger without numbing the joy, goodness and love in our life too…and what happens when we come back to feeling again?  Start the numbing process all over or face the good and the bad? 

Another way we cope is something I’ve talked about quite a bit…building walls by living by rules.  She calls it “making the uncertain certain.”  We also perfect everything we can and we pretend that what we do doesn’t impact others. 

I don’t have the stomach for perfectionism but I know for me, I spent my life trying to live by a certain list of rules, not just those of a certain religious belief system, but also to be society’s version of a “good person.”  I thought these rules would keep me safe.  I thought I would have the life I wanted if I chose to follow them.  I thought that I could control all variables if I just looked up the coordinating rule to follow.  I was wrong…dead wrong.  In fact, I think part of me died living by all of that structure and only in my own awakening and the fullness of all the freedom I can handle at this point have I begun to feel alive again.    

Dr Brown explains how we can be vulnerable:

To let ourselves be deeply seen

To love with our whole heart without guarantee

To practice gratitude and joy within each moment 

To believe we are enough

In another TED talk she did on Shame, which I will also include below, she says “Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.”  It’s the measurement by which I want to live from now on.  I want to be fully alive, fully aware and fully awakened even when it gives no guarantee that the things I want most will be awarded me.  I know it’s a risk and I know I’ve lived most of life trying to only take calculated ones, but I just happen to think people are worth the risk.  I happen to think I’m worth it too.  

Power of Vulnerability  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Listening to Shame  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

Brene Brown's Website (and books I'm going to start reading today!)  http://brenebrown.com/books/

Joy in the Imperfect

Sunday mornings are my favorite time of the week.  I look forward to them…drinking coffee, not having anywhere I feel I need to be, giving myself grace from any responsibilities and just ‘being’.  If fairy godmothers existed and one was granting me a wish, it would be that someone was sitting beside me on that quiet morning, drinking coffee and completely content to be “doing nothing” as long as we were doing it together.  If only I could find a magic wand.

Do you ever wake up and feel unsettled?  Not for any particular reason but there’s this stirring deep within that you can’t quite shake, can’t quite explain, yet you know that it’s likely the result of change.  For me it’s usually not a blatant change I can see, as in something exterior, situational or easily explained.  No it’s usually just another piece of something falling off of me…making me more vulnerable, more exposed and a little more aware of my theoretical surroundings. 

I will admit that perhaps I didn’t do myself any favors by watching “Under the Tuscan Sun” and “Eat, Pray, Love” today.  I had seen both of those movies before.  Why they happened to be on the same morning when I was already feeling unsettled may have been a blessing or a curse, hard to say.  I don’t remember much about seeing them the first time and I know they didn’t have much of an impact on me.  Of course I got the message that we should figure out who we are, follow our dreams and so on, but both main characters are recently divorced and I last viewed them through the lens of a married woman.   It was an entirely different 

experience today.

I remember about a month after my husband and I split up, I was at a restaurant with a friend and I smiled at something she said.  She looked at me strangely, not because my smile was misplaced in regards to her comment, but because I realized she probably hadn’t seen me smile quite like that before.  I said to her “I think I’ve forgotten how to smile!” I explained that while married I didn’t feel particularly happy except in regards to my kids, nor did I let myself know that I was terribly unhappy.  You see, I’m not an emotional person in the way so many women are and I envy that…I am more of an analyst…feelings have to make sense to me for me to understand what I feel.  So for me to admit to myself that I was unhappy and acknowledge that I hadn’t smiled in ages, meant that I had to come face to face with the reasons why.  I’m also a problem-solver so if I started making a long list of problems, it would require some action on my part.  In this particular case, many of the problems were not things I could fix myself so it was easier just to not smile and not frown but to just keep on making it ‘work’ and I use that term loosely.

Both of the heroines of the movies I watched today had one simple luxury that many divorced women do not have while trying to redefine their lives…they didn’t have children.  I’m not regretful that I have mine, but the world has handed single mothers a raw deal.   Society makes us feel that we have the weight of the world on our shoulders, need to devote all of our time to making sure our kids are not eternally damaged because we broke up the family.  Also, we become some terrible cliche and finding love again will not only be more difficult, it will need to be put on the back burner for an insufferable amount of time.  So for most newly divorced mothers trying to raise children with or without much help, generally living their lives by default rather than pure choice, having a hand in redesigning it seems like a very nice idea, but not something we should aspire to ourselves, that’s for the movies.

I purposely decided not to date at first, even though the attachment to my husband was long, long gone before he was, I just needed to feel I knew what I was doing moment to moment, day to day and week to week before I thought of much else.   There were many times, that given the particulars of my children, the limited involvement of my ex-husband and other factors that I felt it would be very hard to even get a man to consider me, so I hid out in the comfort of that thought for a good while. 

As you know, my introduction to dating (as told in “First date in 20 years”) happened somewhat by accident.  I remember when people saw me after I met the catalyst…they were visibly taken aback by my smile, my confidences, my new outlook on life.   Over time I realized that my kids are getting older, my oldest just has a few years left with me and when they are gone from the nest, I will have to have my own life.   It’s okay to sometimes choose myself over them.  It’s okay to tell them they can’t go xyz because I have plans, something I would have never done before.  It’s good for them to see me happy, to see me redefining who I am, to see me screw up, too. 

While I can’t traipse around the globe, or make all the changes I would make in an ideal situation, or even command love to come my way, I CAN make my own life in the midst of living it.  I can buy myself something nice just because I want it.  I can make mistakes in friendship, dating and money.  I can redefine my spirituality, always seeking to learn that which I do not know.  I can have my own version of finding myself, still being a mom and hopefully someday, find someone to love again in spite of me.  It’s okay to face my brokenness and my imperfection and not try to hide it away in another country like the heroines did.

As I was texting with someone this morning, talking about brokenness, I said “Maybe it’s only the broken who can give something to others.”  We look at the people who seem to have it all together, we say that is who we want to be like, be with and aspire to, but they’re not perfect.  In fact, they are likely more messed up than the rest of us, they’ve just learned to hide it so well from themselves that they don’t even know it.

I’ve always been more attracted to the broken, the messy, the flawed and the cracked things in life.  In fact, someone was once talking about me to a room full of people and said “Most people would not have attempted what you have taken on.”  In this particular context, he was talking about me embracing the imperfect that most people reject.  Perfection has always made me nervous.  Although I am one of the most open minded people around, the place I am most prejudiced is perfection.  Maybe that makes me a skeptic or a snob.  Perfection can never simply be that to me, because in its flawlessness it becomes undesirable to me.  Perhaps loving imperfection is where I am a risk-taker (which is not a phrase most would use to describe me.)  I’ve never had perfect, or ideal, or a large supply of sunshine.   I’m not comfortable there.  I’m more comfortable with sunshine after the rain, amidst cold or because it makes a rainbow.  I like the vulnerability of those broken places, so I embrace something breaking off of me today, perhaps some sunlight can come in, perhaps it withers, perhaps it makes me more beautiful.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all, and surely I’m not the only one who rejects perfection.

So today, even though there was no one sitting next to me drinking coffee like my heart desires, nor, do I feel more settled than I did when I woke up, it’s okay.   I can be content in my vulnerability, embrace my broken places, keep redesigning my life and find joy in the imperfect. 

The Gift of Vulnerability (continued from Discipline of Vulnerability)

So a couple of nights ago, there was even more intense practice of vulnerability.  True vulnerability is all-encompassing.  You are opening up and welcoming someone into your mind, soul, heart and body… your fears and insecurities don’t suddenly vanish, but you have to purposefully ignore them, this is where the discipline comes in. 

“Staying [mindful] doesn’t preclude the euphoria of an inner tremor when your beloved comes through the door, or the pure joy of spending time together.  It means your excitement exists alongside your fears and vulnerability.”  ~Charlotte Kasl

The discipline also requires you opening up all facets of yourself.  I think many people have constructed a flight of stairs in revealing themselves to others.  If you pass this step, you can move on to the next and if you do okay with that one, then up you go.  Some people are equally cautious about new friends too, but most of us make friends go through a lot less than we do our romantic interests, yet can’t understand why suitors don't get past the first step or two.  I just wanted to be open, to invite Mr Metaphor in, and in him exploring me and my exploring and learning him, I am free to also learn a whole lot more about myself. 

It takes discipline to put aside your lists of expectations, your judgments and find a place of grace, acceptance and kindness.  This grace, acceptance and kindness must both be granted to the other person, and even moreso to yourself…after all, we are our worst critics.  To do this, you need to be able to “fire your reporters,” tell yourself even though it’s scary, it’s worthwhile….and remembers your scars can be beautiful to others. 

One way I am having to discipline myself is when Mr Metaphor is pointing out my beauty, not to instantly give a “yeah, but…” or rolling my eyes, etc.  It’s like when your friend compliments your newly decorated living room and you say “thank you, but” then start pointing out flaws, like the spot where they paint isn’t even, the lamp shade that needs a tiny repair, the picture is crooked and so on.  It’s quite possible that the flaws weren’t nearly as noticeable as we thought, or that they even enhanced the beauty…imperfection is always far more beautiful to me.  We need to be conscious and remind ourselves to stop those “yeah, buts” and eye-rolls, respecting our own beautiful imperfections. 

So what about physical vulnerability?  My single gal pals can’t believe I would have sex the first time with someone in daylight, or lots of light or that I would have all of my clothes off at the same time.  Despite being the “size of the average American woman” and having lost a good bit of weight to get here, my imperfections are impossible to hide.  I have plenty of hang-ups about my body.  But I don’t think they are any different than the hang-ups of my friends who are a size 2 or 8.  We all have them, but you know what I think?  I think the men who gaze at us usually don’t notice any of things we do…not even when fully exposed, completely naked, drenched in light where no flaw can hide.   While I have felt pretty comfortable in front of my past lovers, no one has made me more comfortable than Mr. Metaphor.  By asking me to strip away the brakes and open myself up to him, with the promise of no judgment, no expectations nor any limitations on his part, he’s given me this comfort and acceptance to be myself and it’s so freeing.  

The other night, ah, THAT lovely night…we were at his place and after initial pleasantries, exchanging a few kisses and catching up recent happenings, he was soon taking my clothes off and then his.  There were no thoughts of hurrying us to bed, no there is nothing rushed about a leg man, but this was our most intense exercise in physical vulnerability to date.  He is far better at all of this than I, and I love to let him lead with all of his erotic creativity.   We started out sitting on a lovely little couch facing each other, just talking…about us, about sensual things and about all kinds of things, actually.   He just caressed my body, even the parts I hate.  The discipline of eye contact is amazingly arousing… just to stare into each other’s eyes while touching and talking.  If I put my hand anywhere near me, he would tell me to stop covering.  If I put my knees together, he would remind me to be open.  Our body language is so often subconscious even when we have the best of intentions, and I welcome him to call me out on things I do not even realize I am doing.  I was completely vulnerable, so safe, yet in no way exploited or exposed, just completely free to be me in every single way…mind, body and soul.    

He sat against one end of the loveseat and I had my head at the other with my legs draped on his chest and shoulders while he just ran his hands up and down every part, with our eyes locked into each others.  Once I was relaxed and truly vulnerable within myself in every way, it felt amazing and although he thoroughly enjoyed feeling every single part of my body, he was giving me yet another beautiful gift.  This was not just the special gift of himself, but he was also giving me a beautiful gift of finding another part of me.    

 The amazing feeling of our bodies intertwining that followed, the giggles, the smiles, the moans, the pulsing, the collaboration, the giving, the receiving, the taking, the tastes, the fullness of fulfillment were all perfection within themselves, but the true gift, the true gift of what this special man is giving to me is the discipline of vulnerability.  

The Discipline of Vulnerability

About a month ago I decided to go back online on my quest to find someone special. I have to say, I really don’t like online dating sites…I feel too often every profile looks the same. Sure, the individual men look different, bad pictures and all, but when you start reading the profiles there's an obvious and frequent lack of substance. Eventually everyone sounds the same…”I am looking for a girl who can feel comfortable in jeans and ball cap but wear high heels for a night on the town. I love the outdoors and camping and blah and blah and blah.” Most of these guys haven’t been camping since 1987!

I hadn’t been on a dating site since March, but soon enough, my phone was blowing up with messages from the site. However, the authenticity I both offer and desire from a match seemed nowhere to be found. Message after message didn’t have more originality than “Hi” or “Hi Sexy” or “You’re Hot!” Punctuation excluded.  But I happened upon a profile with an intriguing name and was instantly intrigued because this man was actually original, transparent and owned his shit. In fact, he had a long list of his lesser qualities which he just owned up to right in his profile. Most women would instantly be turned off by that…not necessarily because his list of faults were shocking but because how many people really do want someone being real with them when they seem convinced they have to polish up their own image in order to find the right person? I venture to say if you could get daters to give you the unadulterated truth, they would say they are looking for perfection, all the while forgetting how imperfect they are themselves.

"Mr Metaphor" was transparent from the start. In fact, he is also a writer and put a link to his site right in his dating profile…how refreshing! Really, him owning all of his shit right there from the start hit my first button. Being that he was a blog writer and loved to discuss theology without being religious, hit my next buttons. I sent him a message offering him a theological discussion and promising I wasn't a Bible thumper. It’s the only message I initiated. He replied back in short order and we began messaging back and forth that Friday night. By Saturday morning, I gave him my phone number and haven’t been back to the dating site since.

All day and evening on Saturday we texted up a storm…he was engaging, open, challenging and not so quick to get to the topic of sex like most men. Don't get me wrong, There was flirting and some banter, but also such probing questions that we ended up skipping over all the general ones you ask first…in fact, I’m still not sure we’ve covered all of those. Saturday night we talked on the phone for over an hour, (he has a great voice) we both admittedly hate being on the phone, yet still managed to have a good conversation absent of those awkward pregnant pauses I hate. We said goodnight and I was feeling excited but also thinking there was no way I could find someone that I clicked with after only a couple of hours being back on a dating site. He called it "Potentially once-in-a-lifetime."

It just so happened that the next day he was leaving town for 2.5 weeks. Before getting back online, I had been doing some heavy duty coaching with myself that I was not going to get sucked into playing a bunch of games. I was going to try really hard to embrace what came my way by abandoning pretense and also staying true to my number one mantra...that all of my dating experiences, teach me something positive or at the very least, make for good blogging!

So I invited him over. To my apartment. I realized I had a few hours home alone, (which hardly ever happens on a weekend). I never do that. I was motivated to do so because I didn't want to talk for three weeks really like him, only to find out that there was no spark in person. I've been there and done that and am trying hard not to start that tshirt collection.

I had read some of his blog and let him read mine…however, since my blog is all about dating, I sorta gave him a cheat sheet inside my brain. He knew the "first date, first base" rule from reading here. He knew all my little tricks should I suddenly put gum in my mouth or grab my purse. But he asked me something before he arrived and again when he got here. Would I be willing to take off my brakes? I love learning about myself and others…and honestly, I love being pushed just a little out past my limits. Mr Metaphor is very intuitive so I’m sure he surmised this about me.

Plenty of chemistry, connection, passion or whatever you like to call it had been building because I was so attracted to his mind. He walked in the door and he kissed me. Right then…”Hello” and then we shared not a peck, but a deep and telling kiss. Inwardly I was thinking…”well, that’s a new experience!” We sat down, we talked, we found ourselves laying in bed talking, still clothed but slowly, I was throwing off the brakes, er rules, that had so carefully been placed around me in my attempts to hide my fears and keep my heart safe. Somehow, for a reason I can’t possibly explain to even myself, he made me feel safe. He was transparent in so many ways, it was damn sexy to the point of almost being erotic to me...and how freeing to not have to play by rules! He asked me for honesty, transparency, openness, authenticity and yes, vulnerability. I know you are thinking he didn’t have the right to ask me this…he surely hadn’t known me long enough to earn it. But, if I strive to be honest, transparent, open, authentic and vulnerable in every other aspect of my life, why would I treat dating and my attempts at finding someone special any different at all.

A lot of people can’t handle someone as open as me…I’ve even had good friends tell me it was too much for them and pull away. So trying to hide behind “the rules” or the carefully crafted boundaries and safety nets I had been convinced I needed was really betraying my authentic self. While by virtue of time alone, maybe Mr Metaphor man hadn’t "earned" those things, however by his simple invitation to be who I really am, without judgment or expectations, without him gawking at my exposure and exploiting it, he had earned my trust.

I continued to take another journey with him that day as I let him see my nakedness, both figuratively and literally. The lights were on, there was no where to hide really, so I embraced his acceptance and his reminders when I unknowingly started to recoil. As he worshiped my body, as only he could (see "Ode to a Leg man"), and as he enhanced the freedom I so longed for in my heart and soul, I found a release. It was embarking on yet another transformation on this journey of mine. It was a new reality I so desperately longed for and I know few men can embrace a woman with this sort of freedom.

Over a week later we were actually talking about freedom via text…Mr Metaphor was out of town but we were heavy in deep discussion and a thorough mindfuck.  He said that the reason he felt free enough to kiss me the second he saw me in person was because of his own freedom. He went on to explain freedom is a life that is authentic and seeks to benefit others and he did it for me, for us. He’s been very liberating for me. He's so very special. He's a beautiful gift. One that keeps giving because a couple of nights ago, there was more intense discipline of vulnerability....

(to be continued tomorrow)

Skin on Skin

Ah…is there anything better?  I’m not even talking about the sensation of purely sexual contact but more full body embraces, cuddles, hugs, spooning.  Ah!

I think one of things I miss most about being single is the lack of hugs, little touches and of course, kisses.  Don’t get me wrong, there was none of that for the last few years of my marriage aside from my ex-husbands’ obligatory kiss on the cheek when he left for work, which eventually irritated me.  And even one thing I admittedly miss about church is all of the hugging that goes on.  I do still get some daily hugs since I am fortunate that at least my youngest kiddo hasn’t gotten to the “it’s not cool to hug mom at this age” stage, but while kid and friend touch feels amazing, it is still vastly different from the touch of a man.    

I find deep hugs, smoldering kisses and full body embraces far more intimate that just the act of sex itself and possibly more satisfying.  Both Tantric sex and the practices of the Kama Sutra include this as part of their instructions because it increases arousal, desire and intimacy.  They include this sort of touch both before and after the act of intercourse itself, sign me up!  Skin on Skin hugging could easily become my drug of choice…I might even give up my current one for it…coffee. 

On a scientific level, hugging releases oxytocin and is nicknamed “the most amazing molecule in the world” and the “love molecule.”   Oxytocin can be released through hugging, hand-shaking, bodily contact of any kind and it floods our bodies during orgasm.  Do you know what amazing things it can do for us?  It is a diet aid, antidepressant, reduces stress by reducing cortisol and blood pressure, as well as decreases pain.  It is shown to improve several functions of the GI tract and increases digestion.  It also helps women during Labor and Delivery and is released during breast feeding.  Emotionally, it induces optimism, increases self-esteem, builds trust and decreases social anxiety. 

In reference to partners, It increases the desire for couples to gaze at each other (that would explain a LOT), creates arousal and maintains erections.  It’s like the sexual aid that keeps on giving back to itself.  One of the most interesting studies they’ve done on Oxytocin is that it increases generosity…by up to 80%!  They were referring to generosity of material things or giving someone a helping hand, but back to my definition of great love and sex as defined by both submitting to each other, a different act of generosity, isn’t oxytocin bound to make us better lovers and better people?  It all comes full circle.  One article I read said it makes us human.

For me, lying naked in the arms of a special man, embracing so completely you can’t get enough of him, feeling his warm breath in my ear, being together in the most vulnerable way possible…skin on skin… is both simply and breathtakingly beautiful.  It brings fulfilling joy that very well might make me become addicted to skin on skin. 

Fire the Reporters!

Fire the reporters

I think we should fire the reporters!   In this case, the reporters live within us and they are the ones who tell us stories about ourselves.  Almost always, these reporters do not base their stories on facts or science or ‘what is”. 

These reporters have concocted a variable cornucopia of fictional work against us, from the silly and mundane to the serious stuff we don’t tell anyone we hear as we lay our head on our pillow each night. 

Some of these stories stem from things our parents told us.  My mother was quite overweight, I struggled with my weight too, but my mom told me three things that still stick with me to this day, even though I know they are not factual or even thought by others to be true.  She said “Fat girls don’t wear white.  Fat girls don’t wear Red.  Fat girls don’t wear belts.”  You won’t find anything in my closet white or red, although I have been known to own red lingerie, and I’ve probably worn a belt less than 20 times in my life.  I know what my sweet mom said wasn’t true, just like I know she never meant any lifelong psychological damage by it.  But these are the early stories we are told and continue to tell ourselves.  Maybe it wasn’t just your upbringing, maybe it was your ex-spouse too.  When your house is not clean enough, do you still hear his words in your own voice in your head?  Or when the bank account is slim, you still hear her words in your voice complaining about your career choices?    

These stories also permeate our post-divorce and dating life too.  How many times have my single gal pals sent me a text on a lonely night and said “I’m a loser!” I’ll admit that I’ve let that thought cross my mind myself.  But here’s the truth:I can attest that my friends are most certainly not losers, instead they are smart, beautiful, confident women who would be great catches for the right men…it’s just the MATCHING of the men that is the challenge, not my amazing friends or men they meet on the search.   Well, mostly.

Maybe this will ring a bell…we don’t get a second date with someone we actually liked.  Instead of looking at the true facts of the matter, those reporters start firing up story after story and almost always, we are the exposed celebrity.  For women, it goes something like this “I’m not pretty enough, I’m too fat, My boobs are too small, My butt is too big, I’m too needy, I’m too nice”…well, you get the picture.  Men have this similar stories under the same circumstances and it goes like this, “I don’t make enough money, My car is too old, my arms are not muscular enough, I’m not a good conversationalist, My *package* is not big enough, I’m too nice.”  In reality, it’s probably not any of those things…it’s just that one of you felt that thing we are all looking for was not there…spark!   We all know that you can’t manufacture spark or cause it to not be there.   I have really liked some dates in the time we talked before we met and then nothing…and it’s painful for me when the spark isn’t there, but it’s not personal.

So let’s try something…when the reporters start talking in your ear, let’s talk back louder! 

When they say you aren’t good enough at your job, or as a provider, take time to remind yourself of the truth…what work you contribute to your workplace is important and your income is providing a whole list of things for you and possibly, others.

When the reporters try to convince you that you aren’t being a good parent because you didn’t buy your child the latest and greatest new thing, or you let them stay up late on a school night or eat an extra cookie, take time to remind you of your truth…they have all their NEEDS met, you’re a good parent because you love your child like no one else can.

When you put your foot in your mouth while talking to a friend and the reporters start telling you all the reasons you don’t deserve friends or forgiveness…tell yourself the truth of what a great friend you can be and that your heart was not to hurt them and forgive yourself.

And finally, when your phone is far too quiet and loneliness sneaks in, send those damn reporters packing and remind yourself of what IS in your life.  I bet if you were on the outside looking in, you wouldn’t even hear those reporters because everyone else knows what a great person you are and how much people adore you. 

Singleness can be tough when you’re lonely.  Midlife can be such a time of self-discovery and change.  Put the two together and sometimes it takes constant awareness to remind yourself that you matter, that you’re amazing, that you will find love again, that the days ahead can be filled with overwhelming gifts you haven’t even thought of yet.  Just don’t let it be filled with those noisy tabloid reporters!

Just crawl

About a month ago a friend and I were discussing an article called "Four pieces of sex advice from a 98 year old woman."  And if you didn't guess already, yes, I want to be her when I grow up!  She has some frank wisdom, especially the last two pieces of advice and you can read them for yourself, here...

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/17/sex-advice-98-year-old-woman_n_3940366.html?ir=Divorce

 As we were discussing the article via email, I described my thoughts like this:

"To me great love and great sex both are about constantly submitting to the other persons’ wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well."

 This sounds so simple, both in sex and life/love, so why is it so difficult to put into practice?  I think if many people were honest, they would look and see that they are often self-serving in the beginnings of their friendships and relationships.  How many times have we been told that we should be asking “What’s in it for me?”  Then there are some people who only give so that they will receive...they totally miss being able to experience the joy within the act of sacrifice.  I would ask what do you have to offer?  What are you putting in?  What are you willing to put in?  Are you attempting to surrender yourself in a loving way?  Surely we have to be wise in whom we can trust, but you also have to have an attitude that ceases looking for problems.   It’s also common, especially with online dating and seemingly countless choices, it’s easy to get distracted by the next shiny object before you’ve let anything develop with the person you’re currently interested in.

Mrs. J, my therapist, told me she sees it time and time again …people quit a relationship before it ever really starts because of some stupid, insignificant reason!   I know we all have this unspoken list of deal-breakers whether we want to admit it or not!  I once talked to a man I enjoyed for weeks before we met in person and I thought we were going to hit it off well.  I had seen his shaded glasses in pictures before meeting but convinced myself his glasses were not HIM and I was being petty.  However when we met, the glasses reminded me of the ones pedophiles on news stories have worn in mugshots…I felt terrible, but I just couldn’t get past it.  Despite being very disappointed, I had to realize I was shallow but I know we all have those triggers.   

We also search for perfection, but let’s face it, we should know by now that we are all flawed.   Galway Kinnel said “Let our scars fall in love.”  I’ve always said this…”we all have flaws, you just have to find a particular set of flaws you can live with!”  Flaws can be really beautiful, actually, so give them a chance.  They make us unique, they are created by our experiences, both good and bad, they make us real.  If we are really seeking something authentic, we have to decide how many of those silly deal-breakers really matter in the grand scheme of life and throw out our rules in order to be fully in the moment.  There’s always going to be a certain level of risk…but the old saying is true, “nothing ventured, nothing gained!” 

From the book I am reading, “If the Buddha dated” she likes to use the phrase “crawling in love” versus “falling in love” which makes me envision a warm, cozy and safe place that I find comforting.   I love the way the author puts it:

“Crawling in love is different from falling in love, or in lust, because you stay connected to your intelligence.”   “When we craw in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting because our bond is based on a wide array of experiences, time together, familiarity, and the ability to talk over conflict.  Sex and love will flourish alongside the rich, warm feeling that comes from an enduring bond where people dwell in each other’s hearts.”

Is this a set of rules?  I think not, but I do believe its sound advice.  Acting upon it, however, requires me to attack my own thoughts, abandon rules and pretense, be aware of my insecurities,  be mindful of ‘what is’, stay connected to my intelligence, enjoy making sacrifices, let feelings flourish and just crawl.  

An Ode to the Leg Man

Well, not an Ode exactly because I’m not a poet, we’ll just call it a tribute!   As you know, based on my “purely anecdotal research”, I believe there are broad-based personality traits that accompany a breast man, leg man and ass man.  You can read more about my theories here: http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-kind-of-man-is-he.html

As I stated before, I really needed to have the opportunity to be with another leg man, preferably one who wasn’t British and I finally got my chance.  And you know what I figured out?  I’m a leg-man girl, I mean woman!  It’s not that I don’t completely enjoy being with the Alpha Ass-man, I do.  But if some cosmic force made me choose between a leg man, ass man or breast man for the rest of my life, there’s no question how it would play out.   I would scoff at the thought of being with a breast man the rest of my life…in fact, as much as I like sex, I might become celibate!   Choosing an ass man would be a great option, but from my own personal experience, they like the ‘quick and dirty’ and are more men of action than words which definitely have its place.  Undoubtedly,  I would proudly, excitedly and confidently choose the leg man! 

My recent leg man did amazing things to my body, from head to toe, from hip to hip, from ear to ear, my whole body.  He didn’t just check off the usual actions to get what he ultimately wants, but instead, lavished his touch all over me.   I felt worshipped, I felt all my body flaws were completely unnoticed, I felt beautiful and I felt the most relaxed I’d ever felt with someone the first time I’d been with them.  

I’ve often described that the feeling of being with a leg man is the same for me as that feeling after you’ve had a massage at a nice spa.   You know that calm, quiet, warm, relaxed feeling when the therapist leaves the room…that’s how I feel while I’m with a leg man.  A leg man knows how to seduce my mind far before he starts to seduce my body…and that my friends, is a REAL man!  The relaxation I find is not just from the way he touches me, or knows my mind, it’s also the joy of doing things I enjoy doing to him, getting to know his body, his turn-ons and the collaboration of our creativity in exploring each other.  

It’s like poetry in motion, a beautiful storm, a flight of freedom, a safe place to just BE.  It’s being touched mind and body by a leg man.

A little Unraveled...

Today is a day I should be happy about, today is a day I should be looking forward to, a day I should be counting all of my blessing and reveling in what is.  For some reason, I have a hard time doing that...focusing on what is.  I both miss certain things and long for certain others.  I know what I think I need and somehow that makes me think I deserve it.  The book I'm reading says this is ego, Americans say its our right.  I don't know what I think.

I'm sure "throwing out the rules" requires a bit of unraveling...the unraveling of my ways of thinking for sure.  Even though I embrace challenging myself on such things, there are times I wrestle with myself all the same. Do I really want change?  I do.  On days like today, I do long more than anything else, to be the most authentic version of myself and to love people while being it...this is the good sort of unraveling.

As for my picture here...I hope to, at some point in my life, be able to have enough sex to not feel I am in need of it...wouldn't that be great?  I always want it, always "need" it.  As a single mom and never a good sleeper, there will never be a knowledge of what 'enough' sleep is, so sleep, I can often forgo.  However, being a lover and not a fighter, I would never punch anyone in the face and I don't even have a face in mind, but if LIFE had a face, yeah, sometimes I would like to give it a good ole punch, and other times a big ole kiss.

My best friend took me to lunch today and said "I can just feel this is your year!"  She's not one of those bubbly, over-optimistic types, she's real, she knows me backwards and forwards, she's able to see me and explain myself to me in ways others can't.  So when she says "This is your year", I long to believe that she knows exactly how I would define "my year" or a great year and that she has some cosmic insight, meaning  it will be true.  I hope she's right.

Today, though, I miss my mom and am having a hard time focusing on what is, versus what will be, should be or used to be.  No matter what I do, I can't make those feelings my mom used to give me appear, nor can I fake the fact I miss them.  So, while I will crawl into the hope that this truly is my year and I hope I will be able to tell my BFF she was right, I'm just trying to make it through today with little sleep, no sex and not punching anyone in the face.

ps...I know you guys hoped I had been unraveled in the most steamy way possible!  Hope you'll stay tuned anyway.

Throwing out "The Rules"

Anyone up for a bonfire?   Let's burn some rules, kick it old-school like in the 60s!  No, I’m not ready to get rid of the tools in my midlife dating toolbox, but I am embracing the need to get rid of "the rules". 

If you’ve been in the midlife dating game for very long and are a seeker of information like me, then you have read articles, maybe books too and searched online forums to find out what the hell we are all supposed to be doing.  Being that understanding the opposite sex is an age-old problem, even once you got past the whole “How do I get back out there?” question, you then have the “What did he really mean when he did or said X, Y and Z?”  Or for you male readers, “What is it she really wants from me?” 

In my online digging, I’ve unfortunately found that most advice is something that, at my inner core, goes totally against my gut.  I’m an open book, I mean, I’m the gal who will tell the lady checking me out at the register at Target anything about myself if its topical.  I am who I am, most of the time, or at least that is always my goal.  But since dating after divorce, I’ve found I occasionally have some insecurities that link me back to my days in college where I wonder incessantly what is really going on with my ‘crush’.  Of course, my goals were different then, but that may or may not matter in the grand scheme of things.  Lets be honest, no matter your age there’s nothing like the excitement of someone new to make you realize you can easily be turned into a horny and emotional teenager again.

Some of the icky things you will find if you go hunting are websites purely devoted to teaching men how to be pick-up artists and books telling women they will never get and keep a man if they aren’t a bitch to him, supposedly turning men into a mold-able pile of goo to do whatever you desire.   On top of that, there’s a whole system of who is the 1+ and the -1, which is a precarious balance of trying to make sure you are always the “One up” so you have the “one down” exactly where you want them.  Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 

I even was part of an online dating forum for mid-lifers that I stumbled upon when my short-but-too-serious-too-fast quasi-relationship started to end and I needed some male perspective.   Yes, I definitely found the advice there helpful as I began to really get some sea legs in the dating pond, but sometimes the advice was really bad.   Over time, though, I began to realize that the members there were a very specific and narrow-minded microcosm and being an open-minded gal,  I needed a much broader perspective.  There was a lot of talk about the above tactics, as well as, narrow thinking of who you had to be to attract the type of person you should be with.

The other night I was at a meetup group event.  The men and women ranged from late 20s to early 50s, most single, but a few married people too.  There was a subset of women huddling together throughout the night talking about their latest guy drama.  Ever the midlife-dating sociology student, the whole exchange intrigued me greatly.  If I had to wrap it all up, there were a few women who had given the man in question their “goodies” and then it all changed.  It didn’t matter how long they dated before the goodies were given, the results seemed to be the same …they weren’t texting, they weren’t calling so the women were doing what we do…over-analyzing every freaking possibility known to man.  When the men were brought into the conversation for advice, they said “sex is just sex to men” but there is something about the dynamics changing once that tension is relieved, the hunter has had his kill, (no matter how many more times he wants it again) that usher in a whole new set of complex rules!  

But what would happen if we threw all of those rules out?  What if we texted when we wanted to text (so long you aren’t texting at the rate of him needing to take out a restraining order)…or what if we said what we really felt or did what we really wanted?   Not in a selfish way, because when someone asked me for a definition about a month ago of both great love and amazing sex, I said “both are about constantly submitting to the other persons wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well.”

I guess we need to ask ourselves “Why date?  What is our goal?’  I would respond to that question different ways at different times over the past year and a half, as I’ve had different needs along the way.  However, my first answer is usually “I anticipate the joy of loving someone!”  And, I want to be loved too.  I’m pretty simple at the base as I care nothing about being wined and dined or traveling the world…I just want someone to sit with me on a quiet morning drinking coffee, to take a long walk with, share deep talks with, having rocking sex with, but mostly BE KNOWN.    

So why do we buy into all the trappings, ie rules of modern dating?  

   *You can’t say what you really feel until a certain amount of time has passed.  

     *You can’t be the first to text.  

        *You can’t ask a man out.  

           *You can’t let them meet your kids until one thing or the other happens.  

               *You can’t let them think you like them more than they like you.  

On and on and on the list goes, and that’s before you get to all of the rules surrounding proclamation of the “L word!”

Read this quote from the book, "If the Buddha Dated":

“Our longing is also our desire to be known completely.  Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you.  Imagine being able to do the same.  That is the potential of a conscious relationship.”

Wow!  Who doesn’t want that? 

So friends, anyone want to join me in a bonfire?  I’m making a conscious effort to throw all of “the rules”…It's a good thing my trash runs in a few hours because I'm pretty sure bonfires at my apartment building are against "the rules"! 

I must be okay!

I must be okay...

 

Sorry about my absence, dear readers, I was in the midst of a move and without any strong and sexy men to help me...timing sucks!  Anyway, my mind has been reeling in a million directions and I'm struggling to find my quiet place, listen to my thoughts and find the brain space to write.  For someone like me, I must write and it gnaws at me until I do.  For years I sent out emails to hundred of subscribers that almost always were preempted by stress and therefore my therapy.  There have been crazy, stressful, emotional days that I felt like I needed to run to the nearest computer, where I couldn't type fast enough.

 

Thankfully, through the magic of divorce, time, and a multitude of other changes, my life is much less stressful these days.  Sure, I have single mom stress, running a household stress, career related stress but most days, most days its a peacefully managed chaos.  Okay, except those days I am wonderfully distracted by boys, (yes I am still that 15 year old girls sometimes), and wondering if he will text, call, ask me out and did he like me really or not? 

 

I think I've mentioned before I started going to therapy this summer.  I find no condemnation in this...if I had a mom I probably wouldn't need therapy, but basically, I need a slightly older woman to listen to me and relay her perspective back to me.  My best friend is great at that, but sometimes it nice to have someone totally unbiased to do it, so yes, some days I feel like I am paying for a big sister, but I'm embracing it! 

 

Although Mrs J is a therapist by profession, we aren't really doing any modules of "therapy".  I've long pondered if she ever sits down and wonders "why is she here?"  Not because I'm overly confident in my psychological soundness...I have plenty of flaws, but I do happen to know I am fairly analytical and have good self-reflective skills which is often not the case with other patients.  I guess she really is part of my dating life, because at this point, I know what I want and I know she will tell me if I am heading down a path different from what I have told her.  Because I have screwed up boundaries with friends, I want her to police me in making sure I don't make the same mistakes with men.  So that's her role, besides being my older, calmer sister-for-hire.

 

Mrs J and my gal pal in New Zealand are really the ones who encouraged this blog.  Almost every week Mrs J tells me "You really need to write a book!"  I finally asked her a month or so ago if she told all her patients that, assuming she hears a lot of great stories on that couch, but she assured me I was only the third person she had told.

 

Mrs J is a pretty, southern conservative, church going, husband adoring, super mom and giving midlifer who

probably is often shocked about some of the stories I share with her, which of course I am sharing with you (there are more to come, be assured.)    Today, we were talking about dating and I was relaying the two questions men try to ask before even meeting that always surprise me.  (Hints...one is about grooming, the other is about back door play.) She was telling me I would make a great sex therapist because I am rarely shocked.  I am having a little career crisis and she's always trying to figure out advice for that, this is her latest, and she mentioned the book again.  I probably would make a damn good sex therapist...great idea Mrs J.  She is never judgmental about my particular love of sex and how open I am, really about everything in my life.  She doesn't over-psychoanalyze my childhood or my past choices in life.  I would be fine with her doing so if she felt the need, by the way.

 

We continued talking and at one point she said to me "Leah, you have taught me SO much!  In fact, I feel bad filing your insurance."  She went on to explain that so many women she sees in my stage of life aren't nearly as open as I am and so she doesn't have to read between my lines, which will help her in the future with others.  I get that open thing a lot.  I love that I'm so open but I also worry not everyone finds its so endearing, or a positive attribute, but I'm taking this as a seal of approval.  After all, if Mrs J says I'm okay and that's good enough for me.