Springboards....

If you didn’t get a chance to read “the art of a kind goodbye” then maybe you should as a preface to this post.  But basically my mantra in dating is to be kind…in the good and the bad, be kind.  And you know what?  I don’t have the dramatic horror stories others have in this crazy world of dating.  I firmly believe it’s because I’ve made it a point to take the high road, to expect the best, to encourage, to know when to walk away, but walk away in the light with magnificent grace.  I don’t just mean grace for myself, but grace for us all. 

Remember, we are all learning in this dating thing. Or we should be anyway.  And hopefully we are dating people enlightened enough to take their lessons and walk ahead.  The benefit of dating and meeting  a lot of men that aren’t quite right for you, is you begin to see a clearer picture of who is…and know better when to walk when they aren’t.

Which brings me to springboards…

Before I met “Metaphor Man” I had tried to go on maybe 4 or 5 first dates but I just didn’t enjoy them.  Not because the men weren’t enjoyable or interesting or attractive or respectable.  I didn’t’ enjoy them because “The one who ran away” bruised me enough to where I couldn’t quite go on a date without wishing it was him the whole time. 

When I met “The one who ran away” he said something that, at the time, seemed so amazingly sweet, but became true in a way contrary to how he meant it.  I think.   He said “I want to ruin you for any other man.”  What he meant was he wanted to be so good to me that I wouldn’t even think of another man being better.  It sounded great at the time.  But after he disappeared and I had no idea why, I feared I was ruined…and after all of those first dates, I would hear his words in my head as I sat there wishing it I was sitting across from him instead of the man of the hour.

It turned out that after four months of nothing, I finally heard from “The one who ran away” and maybe I will blog about that sometime.  But I had been promising myself I was going to go back online just a couple of days before he reappeared and kept putting it off.  However, that closure I finally got was all I needed to get back out there and not feel quite so ruined.

A few days later I met “Metaphor Man” and with complete respect and tactfulness, he noticed right away the ugly bruises that were left in the wake of my ruin.  He might not have recognized them as such, but he challenged me to take off my brakes, throw out the rules, be vulnerable, expand my understanding of freedom within spirituality and reminded me I was beautiful. 

This wasn’t a rebound situation because I wasn’t thinking at all about “The One Who Got Away”…but he was still marking me…bits of ruin still existed and that’s where I thought I cleverly could prevent it from happening again.   We’ve all gone into protective mode before.   I applied brakes before I even started driving, built a wall of rules like a fortress and although I have always been severely authentic, I’ve never known how to be truly vulnerable.  But “Metaphor Man” effortlessly saw right through all of those things and brought out more of the real me that existed before I became ruined.

Despite “Metaphor Man’s” ability to challenge me in the way I love to be challenged, the brief time we spent together had a purpose.  I learned so much from him that I actually didn’t friend zone him when I knew we couldn’t meet each other’s needs.  Maybe I was selfish when I purposely held on a little longer.  I realized early on that while “Catalyst” was there to ease me back into my new life post-divorce and gently prepare me, “Metaphor Man” was my catalyst of vulnerability.  It was something he sowed into me knowing he wouldn’t reap the rewards…a selfless act, actually.

So when I started with my current guy “The Scot”, (no, that’s not his name…he’s Scottish) I was in a much better place, yet he actually noticed the slightest tinges of those faint bruises, too.  I’m happy to report that through “The Scot’s” tender care of me the traces have disappeared, he makes me believe about myself all the wonderful things he tells me.  Yet, I couldn’t help but think that “Metaphor Man” actually prepared me to be ready for the amazing thing that is unfolding in my new relationship now.   That is a gift and it’s easily one that can be missed if you don’t make a purposeful decision to be introspective, yet friendly and kind and full of grace in your dating.   Society tells us far too often to blame instead of learn. 

When I ended it with “Metaphor Man” (which was done by text because we both abhor the phone), I started by asking “Can we just be friends?” because that really seemed like all we needed to be or had evolutionarily become.  We haven’t texted but a couple of times since, but had a great conversation this week that reminded me why Kindness in dating is so important and I’m pretty sure he would agree.

We were just chatting about his move and both our jobs.  I said something about noticing he hadn’t been blogging as much lately.  He told me the reason why…he had fallen in love with someone, completely surprising him.  I was actually elated at this good news!   So I felt free to share with him about “The Scot” and we both were so very happy for each other. 

The exchange culminated with” Metaphor Man” saying, “You have a spirit that can’t be contained, and never should be.  The Scot is a lucky guy and sounds like a wonderful man to let your spirit burst forth and be nurtured.”  I replied “Angela is a lucky gal to be able to engage you like you describe.  Your mind is so amazing and I think it takes a rare person to keep it stimulated.   I’m so happy for you and encourage you to love her with all of you!”

So that, my friends, is a Springboard.   Metaphor Man and I were just walking up to the springboard together, supporting each other as we dove into what lied ahead…separately .  Actually, it’s has sprung us both towards something even better than we knew could be.  

On being Badass

We probably all define being badass differently...and what would be badass for one person may be a normal everyday occurance to another.  The urban dictionary says "A Badass is A person who defines supreme confidance." 

One thing you should know about me is that I am a calm and serene person…well, when my children allow me to be, anyway.   A couple of months ago, I had an opportunity to be badass.  Well, Okay, I wasn’t badass from the start but I went back to seize my opportunity. 

My daughter asked me to take her to a nearby sporting goods store.  I’d much rather go to Sephora or Ulta, but my naturally beautiful tomboy wouldn’t be caught dead there, unless shopping for me.  So we are at the store and she’s leading me around checking on all the things she wants to see.  We get to the back, near the shoe department and I see an attractive man my age waiting on another customer…he notices me and holds his eye contact a little too long, losing track of what the customer was saying.   Its always a boost seeing that you distract someone.

My daughter and I kept looking around and a couple of minutes later, Sporty comes over to me and asks if we need anything.  I explain that my daughter has money she is desperately trying to find something to spend it on.  We start talking and we talk and talk and talk.  My girl is known as the matchmaker of her school…she’s been this way for ages.  I’ve asked her before why she doesn’t set me and up and she laughs and says “Mom, I couldn’t possibly know any men YOUR age!”  But her skills helped her realize that sporty and I were flirting and hitting it off, so ever the dutiful matchmaker, she tried clothes on and “looked” around for a half hour while we were chatting. 

Finally, when she exasperated her stalling techniques and could waste no more time, we made her purchase and left.  Sporty and I part with a lingering look in each other’s eyes and saying how great it was to chat.  During the course of our chat I found out he hadn’t dated anyone seriously in 8 months, he had two kids in similar age, he was just three years younger than me , this was his second job and he got off in two hours.

As I got in the car I was wishing I had the guts to give a man my number.  I have NEVER done that and I honestly wasn’t even sure how women go about it.  Of course, I wish he had asked for it, too,  but dutifully gave my mind a bunch of reasons why he wouldn’t have asked anyway (he was at work and could get in trouble, he thought it inappropriate in from of my daughter, etc.) 

We ran a couple more errands and I couldn’t stop thinking about wishing I had given him my number.  I told my daughter and she volunteered to go back and give it to him, but I felt that spineless and declined her offer. I went home and thought about it some more.  The clock was ticking away…it was 40 minutes until he got off work and I suddenly found myself back in my car driving to the sporting goods store.

I have to admit I looked good…I had on a hip, purple sweater, dark grey leggings that make my ass look amazing and my high-knee, high-heeled boots.   High heels make me feel strong, invincible, sexy, bad-ass.  I love them!  And I was having a good hair day.  In other words, I was on my a-game!

I grabbed one of my business cards and walked in the door.  It’s a big box store…the shoe department is at the back of the store, down the very long center aisle.  I entered the store, my heels clacking powerfully along.  Sporty was just putting something down, right in the center of the shoe department and looked up and saw me.   He stared a minute, I smiled big, he smiled big and then he came walking towards me until we met.

When we joined up, here’s how it went…

Sporty:  “Did you forget something or did she decide what she wanted?” 

Me:  “I did forget something…and I have never ever done this before, but I forgot to give you my number!”  “I’m at a time in my life where I don’t want to have any regrets and I thought I might if I didn’t give you my number.  Maybe we can grab coffee sometime, if you’d like.”

Sporty:  “I like coffee, that would be nice.”

Sporty:  “I’m Sporty, by the way, your name is Leah (looking at my card?)  It’s been so nice to talk to you today.”

Me: “I felt the same.  So, if you’re interested in talking more, please text or give me a call sometime.”

Sporty: “I will do that!”

Me: “Okay, I look forward to it.  Hope you have a great evening!”

Sporty: “You too!”

And scene….

Only I got to walk powerfully back down that long center aisle while he undoubtedly stared at my ass!  I felt the most exhilarated I’ve felt in the longest time!  And of course, I immediately knew it was blog worthy.  

 And I wished I had been video-taped…I was THAT proud of myself!

Now, the thing about me is that although I felt SO confident, independent for going after what I want, I do like the man to lead in every way.  I’m traditional at the heart…and I have to be the leader of all the other aspects of my life, so its nice to let someone else take this department. 

As it turned out, sporty and I ran into each other a couple days later at a restaurant and spent about 20 minutes chatting.  He texted a couple days later and then a couple weeks after that but by then I had met my current guy and wasn’t interested.  Honestly, after those 20 minutes I realized he was probably too soft for me anyway, but nothing can change anything about how great it felt to be badass! 

Boy Toy Joy!

Before I was a midlife single gal, I believed what they portrayed on TV about Cougars.  I was under the belief that Cougars preferred younger men so the arm candy would raise their social status and that it was usually some sort of higher form of prostitution.  The young man did favors…those of a sexual nature and otherwise…in exchange for a comfortable life while he chased his own dreams without the weight of his own financial obligations.  That’s mostly what we see on TV anyway.

It wasn’t long before I was dating again that I realized this was all wrong.  For every one man my age who has approached me online or in person, I’ve been approached by an equal number of men 10-25 years my junior.  I constantly hear from young college boys who say they just aren’t into girls their age or they want to be with an experienced woman.  Cynics say that younger men see older women as easy and that is likely true of some of them.   I think most young guys realize that we know a thing or two in the bedroom and they want to experience what it’s like to be with a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality.   For me, there is still such a thing as too young, no matter the reason.

My little journey with my Boy Toy wasn’t entirely intentional, well, I was looking for a play thing, but not one so much younger than I.  I have long bragged about midlife men being such amazing lovers because they aren’t in a hurry, they have learned how to please a woman (hopefully)and they’ve learned to gain utter pleasure by experiencing their woman’s pleasure.  So honestly, I was quite happy with my previous similar-aged lovers.

My path to Boy Toy all started when I was bored one day.  Despite all the crazy stories in the news, I’ve had great success on finding some real quality men on the craigslist personals.  If you read my blog about my first date in 20 years, you know I stumbled upon dating again after looking for a desk on craigslist, so sometimes you have to return to your roots.  Now, I purposefully stay away from the casual encounters section…well, unless I’m trying to entertain myself…you can’t make that shit up!  I had run several ads in the relationship section, as well as the strictly platonic section, too.  However, I always sorta wondered when I would read the casual sex ads just WHO would answer them? 

Just to give you an example of one of my favorite ads, which was quietly nestled between men looking for lactating women or lunch time cheaters, I found an ad I still laugh about today.  It was for a man offering to orally please a woman with nothing expected in return.  He said to leave the door unlocked and email directions to the bedroom.  He would enter the room and the foot of the bed, make you have an orgasm and then leave…but oh yeah, please leave milk and cookies on the nightstand!  My friends and I have countless milk and cookies jokes from this.  This guy was like a Santa of a different mindset I guess…still giving gifts, but enjoying a snack for his trouble!   See…you can’t make this shit up!

So back to my bored Wednesday…I decided I would run an ad just to see how men replied.  I had a feeling I would be inundated with penis pictures and lewd promises but actually, I only got one such picture and not really any lewd emails, just men bragging so I would choose them.  Honestly, I had no idea if I would reply to even one….I was just curious, and of course, bored.  I’m like that if you haven’t figured it out by now. ..ever-curious of midlife dating in all forms and fashions!

Here’s the Ad:

“Do you know your way around a woman’s body?  Are you fond of long slow kisses and not thinking of rushing to the next thing but enjoying the moment?  Would you like a woman that enjoys sex and is an enthusiastic, expressive partner who is as into your pleasure as her own?  Then please apply here.” 

It went on to say you had to have a job, not be married, enjoy sexting and have some available time.  It said to NOT send a pic of your ‘finer parts’ and that I wouldn’t have sex with them until I had met them a few times and trusted them.

Actually most of the men who replied seemed fairly decent.   I had three I talked to a bit and decided I would meet.  One of them asked me out for that Friday night…we can call him “close call” as I think he really was a scumbag, but both of my girlfriends liked him the best when we were going through the replies.  However, two hours before the date, he told me had a problem at work and was going to have to reschedule.  He tried for the following night but I was seeing Timid Tom on Saturday and told him that Tom was leading in my search so I would likely have the position filled once I met him anyway.   I had also been talking to Boy Toy, but because of his age, I hadn’t agreed to meet up with him just yet.  So when “close call” cancelled, I asked Boy Toy if could meet me later and he agreed! 

Close Call ended up texting me…from home…at the exact time we were supposed to meet asking me to come to his house and have sex with him.  I said, dude, you have not been paying attention.  Obviously, I never would meet him, but he still texts me every couple of months and tries again.  Shameful.   Timid Tom will be for another blog perhaps…back to Boy Toy.

We met up at a Mexican restaurant.  Boy Toy was a big strapping young man who had played football in high school, went on to be in the coast guard and was now a welder.  Girls…if you’re looking for a friend with benefits only, getting a man who is good with his hands should definitely be at the top of your wish list!  

We had a great chat and it wasn’t long before I wished I could take the table between us and throw it to the side, straddle his lap and kiss him!  There was palpable chemistry.   Of course I didn’t do that but it would have been fun!  We finished our drinks and he walked me to my Mini-van, god I hated that thing (actually Timid Tom helped me get rid of it, thankfully!)  Leaning against my mommy van, he gave me some amazingly raw kisses with these soft and pillowy lips of his.  Oh yes…he was definitely friends with benefits material and I was content to choose him for the job. 

Although I didn’t know it just yet, Boy Toy is the one man I’ve met so far who has a stronger sex drive than I do…and just how much younger is he?  I thought it was only 9 years, only to find out a few weeks later he was actually 12 years younger!   He didn’t lie about his age, I just misremembered when reading those 200+ emails I got from my ad.  As the kisses deepened and his arousal pressed up against me while I was splayed against my mini-van door,   there was no denying we were going to be a good sexual chemistry match!  My bored Wednesday experiment had just exploded into a fireball of passion…to find out more about some of our sexcapades…tune in for my next blog! 

Don't Buy the Lie!

If you’ve been divorced (or never married) and are in midlife, male or female, you’ve heard time and time again that you shouldn’t NEED someone in your life.  You are ENOUGH by yourself.  You need to LOVE being single.  You have read articles and list after list of all the reasons why you should be so blessed to be all YOU need in your life! 

No one needs these lists for being coupled.  You don’t have to be told by a thousand experts why you are lucky to be in a healthy, loving relationship.  You don’t have to be told because already know!  No one has to remind you why companionship, affection, acceptance and comfort is good…our whole being…mind, soul, heart and body knows it’s good.    

So why do people work so hard to convince us that being single is the ultimate, and only after you find yourself incidentally single?  Doesn’t society tell us from day one that the ultimate goal is to be married with a white picket fence and 2.2 perfect children, a well-paying job, new cars, enviable vacations and plenty of fabulous friends? 

But the second we find ourselves uncoupled, well, we have to hear endless people, including all the “experts” tell us why we are lucky. Then almost in the same breath, those who care for us pummel us with questions about our status…are you dating?  Are you dating anyone special?  Then when you answer no, you see their disappointed faces and either you tell them some line about why you aren’t looking (even if you are) or they tell you how the world is your oyster and you should be loving it.

It can’t be both ways, folks! 

Now granted, if you’ve been through a midlife divorce, you have undoubtedly had people come out of the woodwork to tell you how much they dislike being married.  Or you can now use your post-divorce-spidey-sense to see that many people really aren’t happy with their relationships despite how happy they make it look on facebook. 

Honestly, it’s the ‘experts’ (who by and large, aren’t even single) that go on and on about how we need to be content with our singleness.  Even in my church-going days, the married women would say…”Once you are content being single is when your husband will come along.”  Really?  No!  This is why the second any of us, male or female, meet someone we have a spark and connection with we turn into mushy teenagers at the speed of lightning! 

We are also urged to appear fierce in our singleness, neglect vulnerability and therefore feel we can’t openly express our very basic God-given need…which is relationship.  And heaven forbid we be real about this common need on a dating profile!  The person of the opposite sex has now been programmed to read that must be needy, clingy, desperate or looking for a sugar daddy if you mention your real desire to find someone.  Um…hello!  Aren’t we on dating websites to find love?  Let’s just agree to be real about THAT little known fact, which by the way, is backed by a two billion industry.  Yeah, those moguls are laughing all the way to the bank at the games we play and the lies we’ve bought into that prevent us from really finding love and keep us coming back for more…because they know unless we change our mindset, we will make the same mistakes time and again. 

Don’t get me wrong…I’m a pretty independent person.  I’m determined, driven when I want to be, intuitive and a great problem solver.  I’m also an introvert by nature (except in the bedroom), a fairly peaceful and quiet person (again, except in the bedroom)…and I NEED and crave alone time (except in the bedroom!)  There are things I enjoy about being single and being free of expectations someone else might put on me.  But what if it brings MORE joy to my life to be able to cook for someone else, to do something loving or sacrificial for the person I care about vs doing that same thing JUST for myself.   What if fulfilling those expectations for someone else, which is the ultimate expression of love, actually makes your life better?

I don’t need a man to complete me.  Nor would I want to be with a man who needed someone to complete him.  I’ve always liked the 1 x 1=1 thinking about couples versus the two halves make a whole.  But I do want to complement him and for him to complement me.  (That’s complement…as in add value to or enhance, but compliments are always great, too!)  I am looking for a man that makes me a better version of myself and I would like to feel I am the same for him.  This, of course, doesn’t mean when I am not dating someone I am a lesser person, either.

What’s wrong with admitting we would like someone to eat dinner with at the end of the day, discuss our happenings, world events and laugh at life’s little mishaps?  What’s wrong with wanting to wake up with someone who doesn’t look their best in the morning?  What’s wrong with knowing your coffee time would be just a little better if you were sitting snuggled close to someone on the couch?  Then there’s knowing that parties are harder to go to alone and having someone to just call or text during the day when it’s a particularly good one or even when it’s not so good, makes the day just a little bit better.  And of course, sex…don’t even TRY to pretend it’s better alone…as I always say…(okay, Marvin Gaye said it first) “Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby!”  And those that would argue no-strings-attached sex is more desirable to sex with a loving partner who you can sexually engage any time you want, I say “Bollocks!”   

So I’m giving myself permission and I’d love for yourself permission, too…sure we can be complete, whole and emotionally stable singletons who aren’t desperate to be completed by some other person.  We can be strong, we can know what we want….and what we want is to find love!  It’s okay to admit it to yourself!  It’s okay to say it out loud!    It’s okay to put on your dating profile!  It’s okay to share with your date!  It’s okay to be who really are, to freely feel and express what you really need…that’s confidence, that’s independence, that’s damn sexy!  

My Year in Review

Being the analytical gal that I am, I like numbers and facts and dates and data.  When it comes to relationships and dating, life is way more subjective than putting together the perfect formula for the man or woman of our dreams and riding off into the sunset.  As I say goodbye to 2013 not having found the love I was looking for, and forge ahead into 2014, I’ve taken an analytical look at my dating stats.

My little black book held 21 first dates this year.  The men have been as different as night and day, from executives to welders to PhDs, from the very attractive to not so much.  Despite their differences, in some ways, these men have been all the same…seems I have a knack for picking the wounded or emotionally unavailable, but I’m getting better!  In my quest to remain open-minded, I have had to cultivate when to say no, this won’t work or when to not grant a date in the first place.  Dating again in this day and age is a whole new learning curve and its okay to keep perfecting (and I use that word loosely) our game plan.

As I made a purposeful decision to throw out the rules to dating, I have learned so much about men and most importantly, me.  My friend Patrick always tells me after a dead-end date…”Just one step closer to the one you are supposed to be with.”  He’s right, you know.  Each date or man has taught me more of what I DO want and I’m getting better identifying the ones who won’t be good for me or to me. 

As you read below, remember, as you chuckle at their nicknames, they are not based solely on that one time meeting alone, but created from my oh-so-scientific-predate-data-gathering!   I want to share my adventures so you can learn along with me…and help you realize after a string of mismatches, there is always a lesson to be learned, my friends.  In no particular order, let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

”No Vibe”…Great conversation, but parted agreeing we weren’t a match.  However, while I imagined he was not sexual at all, I found out later through a text conversation where he was seeking advice, that he’s a crazy freak!  Lesson:  Even the kinkiest guys can be pickup-driving, conservative –hair-styling, buttoned-to-the-collar shirt-wearing wolves in sheep’s clothing.

”Bad-Breaker-Upper”  and I went out with three times.  We had a little chemistry, easy conversation and he wanted to date only one person.  However, he was too sensitive, which became abundantly obvious when I told him I didn’t want to see him again.  Lesson: If he’s more sensitive than a girl, he’s probably going to act like a drama queen when you tell him goodbye!

”Kissy Face” was the best kisser ever until that point and is as crazy about kissing as me.  But something seemed off…I explained it to myself that he’d been a bachelor for 9 years, alone too long.  Now that I’m wiser, I think I was ‘the other woman.”  Lesson:  Don’t make excuses for their lack of availability, odd communication patterns…they are likely hiding something…YOU!  

”Brit 2” was hands-down the most aloof man I’ve met.  During face-to-face time, he was all there.  Although he is very accomplished professionally, think absent-minded professor.  We did have a three hour kiss once that was super amazing…and he taught me about proper English nylons!  Lesson: Enjoy your time together, but aloofness will never leave you satisfied.

”2 Open 2 Soon” was the sexually confused trainwreck in my Sex and the City blog… ‘nuff said!   
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-real-life-episode-of-sex-and-city.html

”Square Peg” was super interesting with a wide range of interests that excited me.  He also shared a d*ck pic with me, unsolicited I assure you, yet had me in awe.  I mean, Ladies, we aren’t visual, but it was actually PRETTY…who knew?  However, we met in person and there was just nothing…it was the shortest date I’ve been on, I was literally watching the clock.  Lesson: Sometimes no matter how good a package looks, there’s just no way it’s worth unwrapping!

”BoyToy” is someone I definitely need to share with y’all.  I needed to focus on other things than finding love, so we agreed to a strictly physical relationship.  Being 12 years younger than I, he was all fun!  Lesson: It’s okay to take breaks on your quest for love…and there’s no shame doing so with a young stallion with unlimited libido and youthful stamina!

”Metaphor Man” was my Catalyst of Vulnerability as I have shared with you here.  I learned so much with him but as an “US”, we weren’t growing together.  Lesson:  Some people are there simply to prepare you for the next person, make your feel beautiful, open your mind to new thought and challenge you.

”Timid Tom” puzzled me…he guided me in purchasing my new car, similar values, decent chemistry and kisses, but he remarked he was intimidated by my confidence.  Lesson: If he has the nerve to tell you he’s afraid, he’s REALLY afraid…put him out of his misery and move on.

”Preppy Playboy” I met in a park for a walk.  He was obviously a professional skirt-chaser who never grew up and likely supported by his parents.  Lesson: Sometimes it just takes a couple of minutes to see obvious flaws…I have enough children to take care of, thank you very much!   

”The Farmer” was sweet and kind, yet despite a farmer’s masculinity, I felt he was just too soft for me.  Lesson: Even though I’m a nice girl looking for a nice guy in this crazy mixed-up world, there is such a thing as TOO nice!

”The VP” a good-looking, middle school vice principal (God bless his soul) who kept trying to convince me he was after more than just sex, which he never got, by the way.  Lesson: When you’re at a school event and your VP is looking important using his smart phone, it's probably not school business, he’s just sexting.

“Creature of the Night” was always just a little too secretive, wouldn’t share a photo, but an amazing communicator so I imagined he was just smart and excentric.  I was wrong!  He was awkward and socially creepy.  Lesson:  Some things are left better in the dark.

“The One who Ran Away” seemed like the love I had always wanted which induced a whirlwind romance.  He professed his love to me quite quickly, was planning our future lives together and then just disappeared.  No warning.  No explanation.  No disagreements.  He just left me a heart full of confusion and hurt.  Finally, FOUR months later, he had decided he wasn’t good enough for me. Lesson:  If they run right into your life, they might just run right out.  Going forward, I shall still be free to run, but I’ll wear high heels to slow down our pace.

“Dead Head” is named that because he has a very unusual career.  This was a set up/blind date, but He is younger without comparable life experience.   He did keep asking to be an FWB, but I was looking for a more, and not with him.  Lesson: Don’t settle for what you’re NOT looking for no matter how horny you might be!

“Turnip Truck” was FRESH off the marriage truck which I purposefully avoid.  He seemed harmless and a little lost so I agreed to meet.  I felt zero attraction in person and he kept telling me how disappointed he was that I would not grant him his first post-divorce kiss.  Lesson: Just say no to Rescue Dating!

“Fast Forward” and I met online one day and in person two days later for coffee.  He was instantly touchy-feely in the middle of Starbucks and planning our kids meeting.  Um, word to the men, never ever talk about meeting family on a first date…it freaks us out and keep your touching in check!  Lesson: Always meet in public places…I shudder to think if it had been more private.

“McDreamy” you met in “Exquisite Torture.”  The lesson remains, even torture is worthwhile sometimes.
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/exquisite-torture-continued-from-over.html

“Good on Paper” is the man in this blog (http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-kind-of-man-is-he.html) and the lesson is one we can take from Latino culture.  They have a saying “Uno beso dice todo” which means “One kiss tells all”…and that my friends, is why if there any possibility of a second date by the end of a first one, go ahead and kiss him!

“Smarmy Guy” contacted me through a meetup group we were in and asked about a local bar.  It ended with us meeting at one the following day.  He was hilarious while he entertained everyone sitting near us at the bar…I hadn’t laughed that hard in ages.  In that situation, I couldn’t get a read on him, except I told him I thought he was just looking for a hookup.   A week later he texted me and asked me to watch him pleasure himself via skype.  Lesson:  Some dates ONLY make for good blogging…and yes, I admit to embracing some things purely for blog fodder!

That, my friends is my list, well, except for number 21.  He’s my happy little secret for now, but you’ll meet him eventually!  I’ll give you a little hint…he’s from the UK, but of a different flavor than my others.

 All of my dating has taught me so many wonderful things!  I have met some truly amazing men…just not the man I am to love.  I enjoy sharing my stories with you, but have many more to elaborate on.  Tell me in the comments which characters do you want to hear about next!   May we all continue to learn lessons as we search for our love in 2014, each step bringing up closer to the love our heart desires.  May we find just what we are looking for…no, scratch that…May we find a love that is above and beyond our wildest dreams! 

The Art of a Kind Goodbye...

I believe in striving to be positive and kind.  My hope is that things are always just a little bit better for me being involved in them, even if they didn’t have the hoped-for outcome.  Life is too filled with disappointments, critics and nay-sayers to not remind people of why you value them.  I believe if you think something positive about someone, you should certainly say it.

During my post-divorce dating journey, there have been a few men I have spent more time with than a date or two.  Even though the majority don’t make it to a second date, there have been a few that piqued my interest enough that I wanted to see if there was relationship potential.  Regardless of why it ended at some point, it doesn’t change for me the fact that I thought enough of these men to give them my time and for those things, I am grateful.  For those same reasons, I want to remind them what drew me to them in the first place. 

Selfishly, I am also a person who likes closure so I like to tidy up anything else I need to say.  Now, all of these more significant players have remained friendly with me and I am grateful for this.  I don’t have any interest in being dramatic.  Oh, I know everyone says they hate drama and rarely actually avoid creating it at some point, but I really do.  Sure, I could tell the man what I didn’t appreciate about him but what good does that do besides create enemies and people you want to hide from if you see them at the grocery store?  I have no interest in that at all.  And I believe that if I put our positivity in my dating all the time, then not only will it be returned to me, but eventually it will bring the right person to me. 

Additionally, being a writer, I think sometimes it’s much easier for me to express myself through a letter with well thought out words than off the cuff.  A goodbye letter is also therapeutic for me and helps me get my thoughts organized for myself.  Often the letters are filled with emotion and exchanged back and forth for a better understanding of each other, even if it doesn’t change the results.  But overall, my number one goal is to thank them for what they contributed to me along this journey.  Each man, even the first-date-only ones, has helped me better define what I AM looking for…so remember, these are not failures, they are stair steps to the goal at the top of the stairs…the partner you’ve been wanting. 

Even the one-date-only men get a Thank you text and a polite message saying I don’t feel we’re a match and wishing them luck on their search.  I do believe there is someone for everyone…probably many someones, it can just take a while to find them.  Some of these same men have come to call on me to ask for dating advice and this would not have happened if I did the popular “fade out” or told them exactly why I didn’t think they are a match.  I promise, ladies, if you are positive, you will bring positivity to your dating life!

I am sincerely grateful for each of the lessons I’ve learned.  From the catalyst, I got to get my dating feet wet in a very safe place.  From the country boy I was able to find a quieter place in my life and find more peace after living with a chaotic ex husband for so many years.  From the preacher man I was extravagantly cared for and he showed me my worth.  From Metaphor man I learned vulnerability and to open myself up completely, without fear.      Even though I haven’t found true love yet, these men all made me a better version of myself, bred confidence in me and have helped me become a better catch for when my true love finds me. 

Of course the one-date guys have taught me some interesting, yet invaluable lessons…these men include Vice Principals to Farmers, Vice Presidents to Welders, Truck drivers to PhD’s, all looking for love, and/or sex.  I’ve learned first and foremost, texting or emailing too long before actually meeting can be a big mistake…the longer you talk, the more of a fantasy person you build up in your mind where rarely do your expectations match reality and it falls flat.  “Kissy Face” taught me that noticing the times of their availability may very well mean they are cheating on someone with you.  Several have taught me to not be too picky from the get-go…you can’t always judge a book by its cover, a man by his poor attempt at a dating profile…and that my dear friends, can go EITHER way.  I’ve also learned there are some really GREAT men out there who are amazing catches, even when they aren’t right for you and possibly for the most ridiculous reasons.  I’ve learned that there are men in open marriages or men that are openly looking for cheat who make no apologies about it.  I’ve learned to identify almost right away the men who really just want sex, no matter what else they tell you.  And these things have made ME more confident and wise, more trusting of my instincts from the start and that, as my friend Patrick says…each one is one step closer to true love! 

So I encourage you to be honest, open and positive not just to the men you really like and are most hopeful about, but even in the saying goodbye.  Be kind…there are too many people in this world who aren’t and then be kind to yourself.  Remember each time you practice the art of a kind, positive goodbye, you are one step closer to an amazing and future-changing hello!

The Gift of Vulnerability (continued from Discipline of Vulnerability)

So a couple of nights ago, there was even more intense practice of vulnerability.  True vulnerability is all-encompassing.  You are opening up and welcoming someone into your mind, soul, heart and body… your fears and insecurities don’t suddenly vanish, but you have to purposefully ignore them, this is where the discipline comes in. 

“Staying [mindful] doesn’t preclude the euphoria of an inner tremor when your beloved comes through the door, or the pure joy of spending time together.  It means your excitement exists alongside your fears and vulnerability.”  ~Charlotte Kasl

The discipline also requires you opening up all facets of yourself.  I think many people have constructed a flight of stairs in revealing themselves to others.  If you pass this step, you can move on to the next and if you do okay with that one, then up you go.  Some people are equally cautious about new friends too, but most of us make friends go through a lot less than we do our romantic interests, yet can’t understand why suitors don't get past the first step or two.  I just wanted to be open, to invite Mr Metaphor in, and in him exploring me and my exploring and learning him, I am free to also learn a whole lot more about myself. 

It takes discipline to put aside your lists of expectations, your judgments and find a place of grace, acceptance and kindness.  This grace, acceptance and kindness must both be granted to the other person, and even moreso to yourself…after all, we are our worst critics.  To do this, you need to be able to “fire your reporters,” tell yourself even though it’s scary, it’s worthwhile….and remembers your scars can be beautiful to others. 

One way I am having to discipline myself is when Mr Metaphor is pointing out my beauty, not to instantly give a “yeah, but…” or rolling my eyes, etc.  It’s like when your friend compliments your newly decorated living room and you say “thank you, but” then start pointing out flaws, like the spot where they paint isn’t even, the lamp shade that needs a tiny repair, the picture is crooked and so on.  It’s quite possible that the flaws weren’t nearly as noticeable as we thought, or that they even enhanced the beauty…imperfection is always far more beautiful to me.  We need to be conscious and remind ourselves to stop those “yeah, buts” and eye-rolls, respecting our own beautiful imperfections. 

So what about physical vulnerability?  My single gal pals can’t believe I would have sex the first time with someone in daylight, or lots of light or that I would have all of my clothes off at the same time.  Despite being the “size of the average American woman” and having lost a good bit of weight to get here, my imperfections are impossible to hide.  I have plenty of hang-ups about my body.  But I don’t think they are any different than the hang-ups of my friends who are a size 2 or 8.  We all have them, but you know what I think?  I think the men who gaze at us usually don’t notice any of things we do…not even when fully exposed, completely naked, drenched in light where no flaw can hide.   While I have felt pretty comfortable in front of my past lovers, no one has made me more comfortable than Mr. Metaphor.  By asking me to strip away the brakes and open myself up to him, with the promise of no judgment, no expectations nor any limitations on his part, he’s given me this comfort and acceptance to be myself and it’s so freeing.  

The other night, ah, THAT lovely night…we were at his place and after initial pleasantries, exchanging a few kisses and catching up recent happenings, he was soon taking my clothes off and then his.  There were no thoughts of hurrying us to bed, no there is nothing rushed about a leg man, but this was our most intense exercise in physical vulnerability to date.  He is far better at all of this than I, and I love to let him lead with all of his erotic creativity.   We started out sitting on a lovely little couch facing each other, just talking…about us, about sensual things and about all kinds of things, actually.   He just caressed my body, even the parts I hate.  The discipline of eye contact is amazingly arousing… just to stare into each other’s eyes while touching and talking.  If I put my hand anywhere near me, he would tell me to stop covering.  If I put my knees together, he would remind me to be open.  Our body language is so often subconscious even when we have the best of intentions, and I welcome him to call me out on things I do not even realize I am doing.  I was completely vulnerable, so safe, yet in no way exploited or exposed, just completely free to be me in every single way…mind, body and soul.    

He sat against one end of the loveseat and I had my head at the other with my legs draped on his chest and shoulders while he just ran his hands up and down every part, with our eyes locked into each others.  Once I was relaxed and truly vulnerable within myself in every way, it felt amazing and although he thoroughly enjoyed feeling every single part of my body, he was giving me yet another beautiful gift.  This was not just the special gift of himself, but he was also giving me a beautiful gift of finding another part of me.    

 The amazing feeling of our bodies intertwining that followed, the giggles, the smiles, the moans, the pulsing, the collaboration, the giving, the receiving, the taking, the tastes, the fullness of fulfillment were all perfection within themselves, but the true gift, the true gift of what this special man is giving to me is the discipline of vulnerability.  

Just crawl

About a month ago a friend and I were discussing an article called "Four pieces of sex advice from a 98 year old woman."  And if you didn't guess already, yes, I want to be her when I grow up!  She has some frank wisdom, especially the last two pieces of advice and you can read them for yourself, here...

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/17/sex-advice-98-year-old-woman_n_3940366.html?ir=Divorce

 As we were discussing the article via email, I described my thoughts like this:

"To me great love and great sex both are about constantly submitting to the other persons’ wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well."

 This sounds so simple, both in sex and life/love, so why is it so difficult to put into practice?  I think if many people were honest, they would look and see that they are often self-serving in the beginnings of their friendships and relationships.  How many times have we been told that we should be asking “What’s in it for me?”  Then there are some people who only give so that they will receive...they totally miss being able to experience the joy within the act of sacrifice.  I would ask what do you have to offer?  What are you putting in?  What are you willing to put in?  Are you attempting to surrender yourself in a loving way?  Surely we have to be wise in whom we can trust, but you also have to have an attitude that ceases looking for problems.   It’s also common, especially with online dating and seemingly countless choices, it’s easy to get distracted by the next shiny object before you’ve let anything develop with the person you’re currently interested in.

Mrs. J, my therapist, told me she sees it time and time again …people quit a relationship before it ever really starts because of some stupid, insignificant reason!   I know we all have this unspoken list of deal-breakers whether we want to admit it or not!  I once talked to a man I enjoyed for weeks before we met in person and I thought we were going to hit it off well.  I had seen his shaded glasses in pictures before meeting but convinced myself his glasses were not HIM and I was being petty.  However when we met, the glasses reminded me of the ones pedophiles on news stories have worn in mugshots…I felt terrible, but I just couldn’t get past it.  Despite being very disappointed, I had to realize I was shallow but I know we all have those triggers.   

We also search for perfection, but let’s face it, we should know by now that we are all flawed.   Galway Kinnel said “Let our scars fall in love.”  I’ve always said this…”we all have flaws, you just have to find a particular set of flaws you can live with!”  Flaws can be really beautiful, actually, so give them a chance.  They make us unique, they are created by our experiences, both good and bad, they make us real.  If we are really seeking something authentic, we have to decide how many of those silly deal-breakers really matter in the grand scheme of life and throw out our rules in order to be fully in the moment.  There’s always going to be a certain level of risk…but the old saying is true, “nothing ventured, nothing gained!” 

From the book I am reading, “If the Buddha dated” she likes to use the phrase “crawling in love” versus “falling in love” which makes me envision a warm, cozy and safe place that I find comforting.   I love the way the author puts it:

“Crawling in love is different from falling in love, or in lust, because you stay connected to your intelligence.”   “When we craw in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting because our bond is based on a wide array of experiences, time together, familiarity, and the ability to talk over conflict.  Sex and love will flourish alongside the rich, warm feeling that comes from an enduring bond where people dwell in each other’s hearts.”

Is this a set of rules?  I think not, but I do believe its sound advice.  Acting upon it, however, requires me to attack my own thoughts, abandon rules and pretense, be aware of my insecurities,  be mindful of ‘what is’, stay connected to my intelligence, enjoy making sacrifices, let feelings flourish and just crawl.  

Throwing out "The Rules"

Anyone up for a bonfire?   Let's burn some rules, kick it old-school like in the 60s!  No, I’m not ready to get rid of the tools in my midlife dating toolbox, but I am embracing the need to get rid of "the rules". 

If you’ve been in the midlife dating game for very long and are a seeker of information like me, then you have read articles, maybe books too and searched online forums to find out what the hell we are all supposed to be doing.  Being that understanding the opposite sex is an age-old problem, even once you got past the whole “How do I get back out there?” question, you then have the “What did he really mean when he did or said X, Y and Z?”  Or for you male readers, “What is it she really wants from me?” 

In my online digging, I’ve unfortunately found that most advice is something that, at my inner core, goes totally against my gut.  I’m an open book, I mean, I’m the gal who will tell the lady checking me out at the register at Target anything about myself if its topical.  I am who I am, most of the time, or at least that is always my goal.  But since dating after divorce, I’ve found I occasionally have some insecurities that link me back to my days in college where I wonder incessantly what is really going on with my ‘crush’.  Of course, my goals were different then, but that may or may not matter in the grand scheme of things.  Lets be honest, no matter your age there’s nothing like the excitement of someone new to make you realize you can easily be turned into a horny and emotional teenager again.

Some of the icky things you will find if you go hunting are websites purely devoted to teaching men how to be pick-up artists and books telling women they will never get and keep a man if they aren’t a bitch to him, supposedly turning men into a mold-able pile of goo to do whatever you desire.   On top of that, there’s a whole system of who is the 1+ and the -1, which is a precarious balance of trying to make sure you are always the “One up” so you have the “one down” exactly where you want them.  Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 

I even was part of an online dating forum for mid-lifers that I stumbled upon when my short-but-too-serious-too-fast quasi-relationship started to end and I needed some male perspective.   Yes, I definitely found the advice there helpful as I began to really get some sea legs in the dating pond, but sometimes the advice was really bad.   Over time, though, I began to realize that the members there were a very specific and narrow-minded microcosm and being an open-minded gal,  I needed a much broader perspective.  There was a lot of talk about the above tactics, as well as, narrow thinking of who you had to be to attract the type of person you should be with.

The other night I was at a meetup group event.  The men and women ranged from late 20s to early 50s, most single, but a few married people too.  There was a subset of women huddling together throughout the night talking about their latest guy drama.  Ever the midlife-dating sociology student, the whole exchange intrigued me greatly.  If I had to wrap it all up, there were a few women who had given the man in question their “goodies” and then it all changed.  It didn’t matter how long they dated before the goodies were given, the results seemed to be the same …they weren’t texting, they weren’t calling so the women were doing what we do…over-analyzing every freaking possibility known to man.  When the men were brought into the conversation for advice, they said “sex is just sex to men” but there is something about the dynamics changing once that tension is relieved, the hunter has had his kill, (no matter how many more times he wants it again) that usher in a whole new set of complex rules!  

But what would happen if we threw all of those rules out?  What if we texted when we wanted to text (so long you aren’t texting at the rate of him needing to take out a restraining order)…or what if we said what we really felt or did what we really wanted?   Not in a selfish way, because when someone asked me for a definition about a month ago of both great love and amazing sex, I said “both are about constantly submitting to the other persons wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well.”

I guess we need to ask ourselves “Why date?  What is our goal?’  I would respond to that question different ways at different times over the past year and a half, as I’ve had different needs along the way.  However, my first answer is usually “I anticipate the joy of loving someone!”  And, I want to be loved too.  I’m pretty simple at the base as I care nothing about being wined and dined or traveling the world…I just want someone to sit with me on a quiet morning drinking coffee, to take a long walk with, share deep talks with, having rocking sex with, but mostly BE KNOWN.    

So why do we buy into all the trappings, ie rules of modern dating?  

   *You can’t say what you really feel until a certain amount of time has passed.  

     *You can’t be the first to text.  

        *You can’t ask a man out.  

           *You can’t let them meet your kids until one thing or the other happens.  

               *You can’t let them think you like them more than they like you.  

On and on and on the list goes, and that’s before you get to all of the rules surrounding proclamation of the “L word!”

Read this quote from the book, "If the Buddha Dated":

“Our longing is also our desire to be known completely.  Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you.  Imagine being able to do the same.  That is the potential of a conscious relationship.”

Wow!  Who doesn’t want that? 

So friends, anyone want to join me in a bonfire?  I’m making a conscious effort to throw all of “the rules”…It's a good thing my trash runs in a few hours because I'm pretty sure bonfires at my apartment building are against "the rules"! 

I must be okay!

I must be okay...

 

Sorry about my absence, dear readers, I was in the midst of a move and without any strong and sexy men to help me...timing sucks!  Anyway, my mind has been reeling in a million directions and I'm struggling to find my quiet place, listen to my thoughts and find the brain space to write.  For someone like me, I must write and it gnaws at me until I do.  For years I sent out emails to hundred of subscribers that almost always were preempted by stress and therefore my therapy.  There have been crazy, stressful, emotional days that I felt like I needed to run to the nearest computer, where I couldn't type fast enough.

 

Thankfully, through the magic of divorce, time, and a multitude of other changes, my life is much less stressful these days.  Sure, I have single mom stress, running a household stress, career related stress but most days, most days its a peacefully managed chaos.  Okay, except those days I am wonderfully distracted by boys, (yes I am still that 15 year old girls sometimes), and wondering if he will text, call, ask me out and did he like me really or not? 

 

I think I've mentioned before I started going to therapy this summer.  I find no condemnation in this...if I had a mom I probably wouldn't need therapy, but basically, I need a slightly older woman to listen to me and relay her perspective back to me.  My best friend is great at that, but sometimes it nice to have someone totally unbiased to do it, so yes, some days I feel like I am paying for a big sister, but I'm embracing it! 

 

Although Mrs J is a therapist by profession, we aren't really doing any modules of "therapy".  I've long pondered if she ever sits down and wonders "why is she here?"  Not because I'm overly confident in my psychological soundness...I have plenty of flaws, but I do happen to know I am fairly analytical and have good self-reflective skills which is often not the case with other patients.  I guess she really is part of my dating life, because at this point, I know what I want and I know she will tell me if I am heading down a path different from what I have told her.  Because I have screwed up boundaries with friends, I want her to police me in making sure I don't make the same mistakes with men.  So that's her role, besides being my older, calmer sister-for-hire.

 

Mrs J and my gal pal in New Zealand are really the ones who encouraged this blog.  Almost every week Mrs J tells me "You really need to write a book!"  I finally asked her a month or so ago if she told all her patients that, assuming she hears a lot of great stories on that couch, but she assured me I was only the third person she had told.

 

Mrs J is a pretty, southern conservative, church going, husband adoring, super mom and giving midlifer who

probably is often shocked about some of the stories I share with her, which of course I am sharing with you (there are more to come, be assured.)    Today, we were talking about dating and I was relaying the two questions men try to ask before even meeting that always surprise me.  (Hints...one is about grooming, the other is about back door play.) She was telling me I would make a great sex therapist because I am rarely shocked.  I am having a little career crisis and she's always trying to figure out advice for that, this is her latest, and she mentioned the book again.  I probably would make a damn good sex therapist...great idea Mrs J.  She is never judgmental about my particular love of sex and how open I am, really about everything in my life.  She doesn't over-psychoanalyze my childhood or my past choices in life.  I would be fine with her doing so if she felt the need, by the way.

 

We continued talking and at one point she said to me "Leah, you have taught me SO much!  In fact, I feel bad filing your insurance."  She went on to explain that so many women she sees in my stage of life aren't nearly as open as I am and so she doesn't have to read between my lines, which will help her in the future with others.  I get that open thing a lot.  I love that I'm so open but I also worry not everyone finds its so endearing, or a positive attribute, but I'm taking this as a seal of approval.  After all, if Mrs J says I'm okay and that's good enough for me. 

 

 

Exquisite Torture.... (pen-pals from across the pond, part2)

Exquisite Torture

McDreamy and I made a date for the night he arrived in the states.  I have to admit I was half wishing that the chemistry wouldn’t be there and my Catalyst would be right, “British men ARE Tossers.”  Yeah, Catalyst isn’t a big fan of his fellow countrymen.  We agreed to meet at a restaurant downtown, neither of us had been there of course, but I had heard about it from a Friend.  It turned out that it was a quiet, small and groovy kinda dive with a very eclectic venue and crowd…it was perfect!

I walked in the door and McDreamy stood up when he saw me…all 6 foot, 4 inches of him! I try not to be a height snob, I really do, but a tall man just does something to me…I think I like being towered over and I have no idea why.  Oh, he was so much dreamier in person, in fact, his hair was different than his pictures and he looked even more handsome and younger than portrayed.  His fitted tshirt and jeans, his glowing perfect skin…oh, I digress…anyway, after some British-English to American-English menu translations we figured out what we wanted to order and could now concentrate on just each other.

Before the drinks were even served, the chemistry was the most intense of any date I’ve been on, yes, even better than with Catalyst!  There was a lot of flirting, a lot of referring to past emails and also a lot of heartfelt conversation too.  His eye contact was captivating…it astounds me how poorly some men are at it in general.   I have to be honest, by the end of the meal, I was literally having the inside shakes you can get from something other than being cold.  I’ve had them after a really good orgasm or a highly emotional event but there was no sure explanation from these except the intense connection and chemistry we were feeling.

He paid the check and we walked around downtown, neither of us familiar with where we were actually going.  Suddenly we happened to look at each other, stop walking, all of that pent up desire through dinner just poured out and we were kissing passionately before we knew it. It was a great kiss, it was delicious and I wanted so many more.   We found an English pub on our walk and he wanted to go in, which was kinda cute since he had been in Britain just a few hours before.  It was not a popular place that night, just us and another couple, but we didn’t care and acted half our age.  We were so into each other, couldn’t sit close enough, or in that moment, experience enough of each other…mind, soul or body.

Before we knew it, our time was coming to a close and Jet lag was starting to set in on poor McDreamy as it was nearly 2am his time.  We got in my car so I could drop him off at his hotel and well, it was on.  The most impeccable kisses I’ve had in such a long time, hands everywhere and a keen awareness of how aroused we both were.  I didn’t exactly keep my first date/first base rule, our situation was so unique, but I did not go into his hotel with him which took tremendous restraint, I assure you.

When we got to the hotel, we both got out of the car to get a proper hug and kiss goodbye. His long, lovely arms just wrapped right around me. Being an arm and eye gal, those arms were perfectly how I like them.  We both talked about the torture and temptation we were feeling…wanting something so badly but realizing there are obstacles between us, like the Atlantic Ocean for one. 

There was such a bittersweet awareness that we only had THIS time and THIS place and THIS amazing chemistry, such a secret treasure we’d found.  It was all somehow beautiful, despite unmet desires and possibilities we could not entertain.  Although there are no adequate words for our unique experience, “exquisite torture’ is the most accurate description I can find.  Yes, exquisite torture both erotic and arousing, pleasing and yet, frustrating too.

He sent me an email the next morning telling me his first impression of me and said “I thought you are lovely, with SUCH sensual eyes and this loving caring nature which felt like you would REALLY look after my sexual needs .... does that make sense??”   It made perfect sense because it IS who I am and who I truly aspire to be!  It’s also proof positive that these wonderful British creatures I find so irresistible, with seemingly little time together, just “get me!”

So once again, an Englishman fits me so much better than local friends, therefore, I really must start saving for a trip to London to further my “purely academic" research.   Knowing it was well worth it, I’d happily take more days like this perfect one…. yes, sign me up for more days filled with possibilities and desires that can only lead to exquisite torture.

Pen-pals from across the pond

Pen-pals from across the pond 

It started innocently…I was trying to get through having my heart a little broken and wasn’t quite ready to go out and date a lot even though I am really looking for a full blown relationship. So I thought it might be fun to place an ad for a pen-pal in London.   I don’t know why I can talk to Englishmen so easily about most anything, but it just is.  Granted, there are some American men that I can do this with, but they seem to be needles in haystacks and who has the time for that when you know you have Brits just waiting to send emails?

The ad read something like this:

“I am looking for an email friend only. I am an American southern belle who has previously dated a couple of expats. I find they really know how to speak to a woman's mind and I miss the type of great conversations I've had with them.   I'm a divorced business owner and mom and enjoy talking about any and everything. I even like it when someone thinks the opposite of the way I do bc that is how I learn.

So if you want some quality conversation, fun banter and a friend, please reply.

Put your favorite drink in the title.”

I got a bunch of replies, but eventually it was weeding down to three, then two.  One was a slightly older gentleman who truly makes a great, platonic pen-pal from another country. I will call him “dear John” as he is sending me long and copious emails each day, detailing the current happenings in the UK, whilst giving me history behind so many things.  He’s a lawyer, an avid photographer and cleverly includes all sorts of links and pictures for me to learn more.  Sometimes the emails are quite long, given my much shorter replies, but for me but they are fun because he puts so much into them. 

The other man I continued to chat with, I will call him “McDreamy”…if Grey’s Anatomy can have one damn it, I can too.  Boy was he dreamy…absolutely gorgeous, especially for a British man, and quite successful too.  We sent a few emails back and forth before exchanging pictures and I honestly thought he was too good-looking to be real, so the picture must be a fake…hey, I watch “Catfish!” 

After another few emails, he stated that he was coming to my state soon for a conference and was it near where I lived.  Turned out it was just an hour away.  At this point, I was still fairly certain he was not who he said he was, but we continued to chat about life, work and then, my favorite subject, sex.  I will admit it wasn’t long before our emails got quite steamy. 

With the time difference, both Dear John and McDreamy had a typical pattern to when they would email, but my favorite time started being 3:30pm when I knew McDreamy would start emailing me for the rest of his night.  Before the end of the our time together that day, we would find ourselves in a highly aroused state and I think we both enjoyed this element between us. Okay, I have proof we did.

Now, when I ran this ad, I entertained no thoughts of actually meeting anyone from the ad unless some year I decided to conquer my dislike of long flights and fly across the pond to fully immerse myself in Englishman bliss! But as McDreamy and I continued to email knowing he was soon visiting my state, it meant that I could further my “purely academic” research on my chemistry with Brits.  But I was also more nervous than even when I’ve meet online American men.  I guess feeling more removed (proximity wise) I wasn’t sure I could read how sincere he was, if he was a con artist, if he was just after sex, if he had a girl in every city he traveled to and finally, if that picture of this beautiful man was actually a picture of the McDreamy I was getting to know through email. 

Thanks to watching a lot of the ways Nev and Max check people out on Catfish, I did a google image search.  I found another picture of the same gorgeous man to what seemed like a legitmate twitter account with a first and last name.  I googled his full name (which I did not know at that point) and found his LinkedIn account. Ding-ding….my favorite form of online positive ID!   

He had a very impressive resume and I told myself this was still too good to be true.  LinkedIn has a feature where you can see who has viewed your profile and I noticed he had looked at mine too. However, because he didn't mention my savvy detective skills, I convinced myself there was a strange man in London who clicked on my profile, puzzled that a girl in the US, in a completely unrelated line of work had been viewing his profile. In fact, I even tried to trick McDreamy into taking a pic of himself during our regular chat during his lunch time. I explained how I loved  a man in a suit and asked for a snapshot so I could see a spur of the moment pic and if it was really him.  He resisted several times but when I pushed, he said “you’ve already seen me in a suit today…on LinkedIn!” 

Did I win the Englishman pen-pal lottery? Was there such a thing and I was unaware? Oh there really should be a lottery like that…I’d go poor buying up tickets!

Was he really McDreamy in person?  To find out, read tomorrow’s blog...

My real-life episode of Sex and the City

This experience could totally be an episode of Sex in the City.  It was one of those times that you are scrolling an inner dialog thinking, “Did this just really happen, or have I been slipped a mickey and imagined it all?”

For whatever reason, I tend to attract and get on well with British men, my BFF says I’m a Brit magnet.  My own theory is because they know HOW, and more importantly, WANT to get to know a woman’s mind.  Or at least find out what you really think about things and then say great lines like “You have a brilliant mind!”  Hey, it works on me.  I find most American men don’t care at all what we think and it drives me crazy.  If I could find a way to only date expats I would be a happy girl, no not because of the accent, but let’s be honest, it is definitely a bonus!

I happened upon “Brit2” online.  We actually had sent long and frequent emails and texts off and on for weeks.  He was more reserved as all Englishmen are,  and therefore took his time before setting up a lunch.  (I now have my own policy not to talk to anyone longer than two weeks online before meeting in person, but hey, I was still a rookie.)    He, like catalyst, requested we not exchange photos, which on the upside makes you feel like a kid on Christmas morning when you are about to meet. 

I asked him to meet me at my Indian restaurant for lunch.  He was extremely laid back, very British-looking, very interesting to chat with and we were having a brilliant time.  He suavely came over to my side of the booth and sat next to me and that’s when I started feeling sparks. 

Unfortunately, I had an appointment with my trainer about an hour and a half after we met so there wasn’t a chance to linger.  However, he did a very sweet thing, followed me to the gym and then we talked and kissed in the parking lot for a couple of minutes and went our separate ways.  Overall, I felt we had a very good date and I was looking forward to seeing and kissing him again.

We texted more that day but I actually had a dinner date too.  My dinner date, who I will call Mr Green, had met online just a couple of days before.  He had been honest enough to tell me he hadn’t quite left his wife yet and seemed to be a big mess.  Call me a softie but I remember feeling helpless at first so I offered to meet him for dinner, but made it very clear I was just paying it forward and wasn’t interested in anything more than being his friend.  He agreed and then picked a very nice restaurant for us, actually.

Honestly, I let him do most of the talking.  And boy did he spill his guts, including telling me he had barely had any sex in 15 years because he couldn’t get it up because he might be attracted to men and was confused.  This was a little more than I bargained for...this man didn’t need a friend, he needed a therapist!

My safety friend checked in and I replied “I’m fine…he’s harmless.”

We were about an hour into it when I say “I really wanted to go ahead and meet you b/c someone paid it forward to me, he was my catalyst and I want to be able to do the same for other people.”   Then I happen to mention right after that my Catalyst was British and he immediately hops on it and it says “Your British friend doesn’t happen to be named ‘*******’ does it?  He’s in a science occupation and lives in a xyz town?”  He perfectly described Brit2…my lunch date!

I’m an open book, an honest gal, as real as they come so I replied, “No, catalyst name is ****, but I had lunch with ****** earlier today!”  I sat there, mouth gaping at how odd this was turning out to be…I mean I was already inwardly gasping at all the crazy personal sexual stuff he shared and now this!

Mr Green then says “Oh, well my wife had a fling with him {Brit2} years ago!”  Then he went on to tell me details of that and he and his wife’s situation and that she also might be gay.  I’m not a judgmental person…the only time I tend to have opinions is when people won’t just be who they are and own up to their flaws and mistakes. 

Shortly after this, he went to the restroom, during which time I did what ANY girl would do…I texted my two best girlfriends and said “Meet me for coffee at 8:45…I am having the craziest experience and will ONLY tell you in person!  You are NOT going to believe it!”

We ended the date and Mr Green wanted to know what I was going to do about Brit2.  I said I wasn’t sure yet, but told him I would not tell Brit2 any of what he told me. 

So I sped to where both the gals were waiting for me with coffee.  I was about to burst because I wanted to laugh and roll my eyes at myself.  We get through the preliminary hi’s and they had all kinds of grand ideas about what I had to tell them but of course, who the hell could guess the truth?

I start relaying the story of the date and then I said “And then he tells me that Brit2 and his wife had an affair years ago!”  They gasped and then guffawed!  This could only happen to me.  What are the fucking chances that I could meet two men in the same day, from two different dating sites, and end up going out with men who had that kind of coincidence?  Life is stranger than fiction.

As we sipped our coffee and ate our blackberry cobbler while laughing at my day, that’s when I knew I was in my very own episode of sex and the city, only I was wearing slightly more comfortable shoes.  

What kind of man is he?

Most of my post-divorce dating experience has been a result of online dating.  Generally, I will talk to a man 5-10 days before we meet in person.  I figure if we still are finding things to talk about after texting that long, we should meet because I hate dragging it out.  Once we’ve talked a while and flirted a bit via text or email, one of my favorite questions to ask men is, “Are you a leg man, breast man or ass man?” 

Worst answer?  “I like it all!”  I call them on it right then and tell them it’s a cop-out and they need to give me a REAL answer.  If they say they don’t know, that tells me they might not be very sexual or might be too passive for me in bed.  I love a man with a ‘quick’ answer and ass-men always know!  If they still can’t tell me (chances are they're a breast man), then I ask them to put them in order of preference, but they still lose points with me. 

I’m about to sound narrow-minded but bear with me.  Breast men are the worst…for me anyway.  I’m sure there’s plenty of gals who love a good breast man, but he does nothing for me.  Don’t get me wrong…I have ample breasts…its not at all that I worry they won’t like the size of mine, they will.   It’s not that I don’t like to have them loved on and appreciated, I do.  It’s that Breast men just come off as either make-out-aggressive or immature (dare I say childlike), not to mention of course, that we've all know those men who have trouble making continuous eye-contact.  "Eyes are UP here, dude!" 

I get why men like them…they’re beautiful.  I think both women and men can appreciate breasts for the way they look, not solely their function alone.  Some women choose to have their bodies mutilated just so they can have perfect ones…they’re important to a lot of folks.  Men don’t have any body part comparatively so I understand why they find them intriguing and desirable.  I get it. 

Since I’ve been dating, I’ve asked just about every man this question at some point.  I generally end up with ass men maybe because they are take charge.  However, two of my British guys have been leg men , so I’m not sure if what I love about the way they are with me physically is because they are leg men or because they are British.  I realize the cultural influence might skew my informal research project, so you can take that for what it’s worth.  (Edited to add: read Ode to a Leg Man-- I've expanded my research.)

I love ass men…they know what they want in bed and aren’t afraid to take it.  They are good to their woman and want to please her, but they lead and have a level of confidence I find damn sexy.   When you need a good, crazy roll in the hay, an ass man will give it to you good!  And I love Leg men, too, because they are highly skilled, slow, take time to enjoy every minute, it’s almost relaxing to be with them because they are never, ever in a hurry!  Honestly, I’ve let a couple of breast men slip through, when I wasn't as in tune with this info as I am now, but they are very centered on their own pleasure and its all about what you are going to do for them.  They approach my boobs like a sugar addict in a candy store, it ends up feeling creepy to me.   And what's up with breast men handling them completely different than their non-breast-men counterparts?  

Last night I was on a date with a breast man.  He was a nice guy, very into being a father (which I find sexy), good job, nice car, didn’t text me to death, called me to ask me out instead of asking via text and we talked for two hours, everything looked good.  Except during our phone call he said he was a breast man.  I told him I didn’t generally get on with breast men but I was looking for a man that could change my mind.  I really am open-minded that way.

The date was going fantastic…nice chemistry…touching each other’s hands while we talked…great eye contact…laughing…good food…very positive all around.  He asked me on a second date before paying the check, which I gladly accepted.  We went for a walk outside after to a nice area with park benches. 

Then he kissed me.  Then everything I felt before dissolved like a vapor.  It wasn’t just that he did that awful twirly-tongue thing, or that he really didn’t need me because his tongue was going so fast, I’m not even sure he knew I was there or not.  And it wasn’t that I was thinking at one point that this must be what a car feels like in an automatic car wash.  (True Story.)  No, it wasn’t any of that, it was that I kept halting the kiss and he just didn’t get a clue and kept starting over.  I would move from the kiss and just hug him so he couldn’t go on and then try to start talking, then he’d go back in for more. 

I could have just told him what I felt but I try to respect that men have a certain level of pride and I try not to injure it, (okay and my car was far away so it wouldn’t have been a quick escape.)  He is a super nice guy.  He would treat me like a queen.  He would work hard to put my happiness before his.  He had it all, but after those kisses, he didn’t have me anymore. 

I love, love, love kissing!  I had a three hour kiss once…nothing else, no talking, no other type of touching, just kissing and it was heaven (and a leg man.)  I often kiss my first dates because I can tell a lot about them from just a kiss.  Now if it was just that twirly tongue thing with this guy, I could have taught him what I prefer.  If it was just that he was going too fast, I would have taught him to slow his mouth down.  But there was no give and take…kissing should be a dance… both fast and slow movements, fun and passionate moments.  And it should ALWAYS leave you wanting just one more.

I finally got back to my car where I had to endure two other long kisses before I could get him to leave.   Yes, I know I should have had my protective anti-kiss piece of gum on the ready and I had left my create-a-barrier-purse in the car because when we started the walk I WANTED to kiss him, until he did, and then I didn’t.  He didn’t want the date to end and kept trying to keep me out longer…offering me ice cream, coffee, a drink, anything else.  I felt bad, I was disappointed that it all fell apart and wanted to get home, but most of all, I really just wanted to make sure I didn’t have to endure another kiss. 

As I pulled out of the parking lot, the light bulb went off…He’s a breast man!  He’s a breast man.

Sometimes I wish my theories could be proven wrong…this was one of those times.   But until some breast man shows me how wrong I am, I will keep on enjoying the sexy confident ass-men and the slow and skillful leg men that come my way.