The Gift of Vulnerability (continued from Discipline of Vulnerability)

So a couple of nights ago, there was even more intense practice of vulnerability.  True vulnerability is all-encompassing.  You are opening up and welcoming someone into your mind, soul, heart and body… your fears and insecurities don’t suddenly vanish, but you have to purposefully ignore them, this is where the discipline comes in. 

“Staying [mindful] doesn’t preclude the euphoria of an inner tremor when your beloved comes through the door, or the pure joy of spending time together.  It means your excitement exists alongside your fears and vulnerability.”  ~Charlotte Kasl

The discipline also requires you opening up all facets of yourself.  I think many people have constructed a flight of stairs in revealing themselves to others.  If you pass this step, you can move on to the next and if you do okay with that one, then up you go.  Some people are equally cautious about new friends too, but most of us make friends go through a lot less than we do our romantic interests, yet can’t understand why suitors don't get past the first step or two.  I just wanted to be open, to invite Mr Metaphor in, and in him exploring me and my exploring and learning him, I am free to also learn a whole lot more about myself. 

It takes discipline to put aside your lists of expectations, your judgments and find a place of grace, acceptance and kindness.  This grace, acceptance and kindness must both be granted to the other person, and even moreso to yourself…after all, we are our worst critics.  To do this, you need to be able to “fire your reporters,” tell yourself even though it’s scary, it’s worthwhile….and remembers your scars can be beautiful to others. 

One way I am having to discipline myself is when Mr Metaphor is pointing out my beauty, not to instantly give a “yeah, but…” or rolling my eyes, etc.  It’s like when your friend compliments your newly decorated living room and you say “thank you, but” then start pointing out flaws, like the spot where they paint isn’t even, the lamp shade that needs a tiny repair, the picture is crooked and so on.  It’s quite possible that the flaws weren’t nearly as noticeable as we thought, or that they even enhanced the beauty…imperfection is always far more beautiful to me.  We need to be conscious and remind ourselves to stop those “yeah, buts” and eye-rolls, respecting our own beautiful imperfections. 

So what about physical vulnerability?  My single gal pals can’t believe I would have sex the first time with someone in daylight, or lots of light or that I would have all of my clothes off at the same time.  Despite being the “size of the average American woman” and having lost a good bit of weight to get here, my imperfections are impossible to hide.  I have plenty of hang-ups about my body.  But I don’t think they are any different than the hang-ups of my friends who are a size 2 or 8.  We all have them, but you know what I think?  I think the men who gaze at us usually don’t notice any of things we do…not even when fully exposed, completely naked, drenched in light where no flaw can hide.   While I have felt pretty comfortable in front of my past lovers, no one has made me more comfortable than Mr. Metaphor.  By asking me to strip away the brakes and open myself up to him, with the promise of no judgment, no expectations nor any limitations on his part, he’s given me this comfort and acceptance to be myself and it’s so freeing.  

The other night, ah, THAT lovely night…we were at his place and after initial pleasantries, exchanging a few kisses and catching up recent happenings, he was soon taking my clothes off and then his.  There were no thoughts of hurrying us to bed, no there is nothing rushed about a leg man, but this was our most intense exercise in physical vulnerability to date.  He is far better at all of this than I, and I love to let him lead with all of his erotic creativity.   We started out sitting on a lovely little couch facing each other, just talking…about us, about sensual things and about all kinds of things, actually.   He just caressed my body, even the parts I hate.  The discipline of eye contact is amazingly arousing… just to stare into each other’s eyes while touching and talking.  If I put my hand anywhere near me, he would tell me to stop covering.  If I put my knees together, he would remind me to be open.  Our body language is so often subconscious even when we have the best of intentions, and I welcome him to call me out on things I do not even realize I am doing.  I was completely vulnerable, so safe, yet in no way exploited or exposed, just completely free to be me in every single way…mind, body and soul.    

He sat against one end of the loveseat and I had my head at the other with my legs draped on his chest and shoulders while he just ran his hands up and down every part, with our eyes locked into each others.  Once I was relaxed and truly vulnerable within myself in every way, it felt amazing and although he thoroughly enjoyed feeling every single part of my body, he was giving me yet another beautiful gift.  This was not just the special gift of himself, but he was also giving me a beautiful gift of finding another part of me.    

 The amazing feeling of our bodies intertwining that followed, the giggles, the smiles, the moans, the pulsing, the collaboration, the giving, the receiving, the taking, the tastes, the fullness of fulfillment were all perfection within themselves, but the true gift, the true gift of what this special man is giving to me is the discipline of vulnerability.  

Just crawl

About a month ago a friend and I were discussing an article called "Four pieces of sex advice from a 98 year old woman."  And if you didn't guess already, yes, I want to be her when I grow up!  She has some frank wisdom, especially the last two pieces of advice and you can read them for yourself, here...

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/17/sex-advice-98-year-old-woman_n_3940366.html?ir=Divorce

 As we were discussing the article via email, I described my thoughts like this:

"To me great love and great sex both are about constantly submitting to the other persons’ wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well."

 This sounds so simple, both in sex and life/love, so why is it so difficult to put into practice?  I think if many people were honest, they would look and see that they are often self-serving in the beginnings of their friendships and relationships.  How many times have we been told that we should be asking “What’s in it for me?”  Then there are some people who only give so that they will receive...they totally miss being able to experience the joy within the act of sacrifice.  I would ask what do you have to offer?  What are you putting in?  What are you willing to put in?  Are you attempting to surrender yourself in a loving way?  Surely we have to be wise in whom we can trust, but you also have to have an attitude that ceases looking for problems.   It’s also common, especially with online dating and seemingly countless choices, it’s easy to get distracted by the next shiny object before you’ve let anything develop with the person you’re currently interested in.

Mrs. J, my therapist, told me she sees it time and time again …people quit a relationship before it ever really starts because of some stupid, insignificant reason!   I know we all have this unspoken list of deal-breakers whether we want to admit it or not!  I once talked to a man I enjoyed for weeks before we met in person and I thought we were going to hit it off well.  I had seen his shaded glasses in pictures before meeting but convinced myself his glasses were not HIM and I was being petty.  However when we met, the glasses reminded me of the ones pedophiles on news stories have worn in mugshots…I felt terrible, but I just couldn’t get past it.  Despite being very disappointed, I had to realize I was shallow but I know we all have those triggers.   

We also search for perfection, but let’s face it, we should know by now that we are all flawed.   Galway Kinnel said “Let our scars fall in love.”  I’ve always said this…”we all have flaws, you just have to find a particular set of flaws you can live with!”  Flaws can be really beautiful, actually, so give them a chance.  They make us unique, they are created by our experiences, both good and bad, they make us real.  If we are really seeking something authentic, we have to decide how many of those silly deal-breakers really matter in the grand scheme of life and throw out our rules in order to be fully in the moment.  There’s always going to be a certain level of risk…but the old saying is true, “nothing ventured, nothing gained!” 

From the book I am reading, “If the Buddha dated” she likes to use the phrase “crawling in love” versus “falling in love” which makes me envision a warm, cozy and safe place that I find comforting.   I love the way the author puts it:

“Crawling in love is different from falling in love, or in lust, because you stay connected to your intelligence.”   “When we craw in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting because our bond is based on a wide array of experiences, time together, familiarity, and the ability to talk over conflict.  Sex and love will flourish alongside the rich, warm feeling that comes from an enduring bond where people dwell in each other’s hearts.”

Is this a set of rules?  I think not, but I do believe its sound advice.  Acting upon it, however, requires me to attack my own thoughts, abandon rules and pretense, be aware of my insecurities,  be mindful of ‘what is’, stay connected to my intelligence, enjoy making sacrifices, let feelings flourish and just crawl.  

Throwing out "The Rules"

Anyone up for a bonfire?   Let's burn some rules, kick it old-school like in the 60s!  No, I’m not ready to get rid of the tools in my midlife dating toolbox, but I am embracing the need to get rid of "the rules". 

If you’ve been in the midlife dating game for very long and are a seeker of information like me, then you have read articles, maybe books too and searched online forums to find out what the hell we are all supposed to be doing.  Being that understanding the opposite sex is an age-old problem, even once you got past the whole “How do I get back out there?” question, you then have the “What did he really mean when he did or said X, Y and Z?”  Or for you male readers, “What is it she really wants from me?” 

In my online digging, I’ve unfortunately found that most advice is something that, at my inner core, goes totally against my gut.  I’m an open book, I mean, I’m the gal who will tell the lady checking me out at the register at Target anything about myself if its topical.  I am who I am, most of the time, or at least that is always my goal.  But since dating after divorce, I’ve found I occasionally have some insecurities that link me back to my days in college where I wonder incessantly what is really going on with my ‘crush’.  Of course, my goals were different then, but that may or may not matter in the grand scheme of things.  Lets be honest, no matter your age there’s nothing like the excitement of someone new to make you realize you can easily be turned into a horny and emotional teenager again.

Some of the icky things you will find if you go hunting are websites purely devoted to teaching men how to be pick-up artists and books telling women they will never get and keep a man if they aren’t a bitch to him, supposedly turning men into a mold-able pile of goo to do whatever you desire.   On top of that, there’s a whole system of who is the 1+ and the -1, which is a precarious balance of trying to make sure you are always the “One up” so you have the “one down” exactly where you want them.  Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 

I even was part of an online dating forum for mid-lifers that I stumbled upon when my short-but-too-serious-too-fast quasi-relationship started to end and I needed some male perspective.   Yes, I definitely found the advice there helpful as I began to really get some sea legs in the dating pond, but sometimes the advice was really bad.   Over time, though, I began to realize that the members there were a very specific and narrow-minded microcosm and being an open-minded gal,  I needed a much broader perspective.  There was a lot of talk about the above tactics, as well as, narrow thinking of who you had to be to attract the type of person you should be with.

The other night I was at a meetup group event.  The men and women ranged from late 20s to early 50s, most single, but a few married people too.  There was a subset of women huddling together throughout the night talking about their latest guy drama.  Ever the midlife-dating sociology student, the whole exchange intrigued me greatly.  If I had to wrap it all up, there were a few women who had given the man in question their “goodies” and then it all changed.  It didn’t matter how long they dated before the goodies were given, the results seemed to be the same …they weren’t texting, they weren’t calling so the women were doing what we do…over-analyzing every freaking possibility known to man.  When the men were brought into the conversation for advice, they said “sex is just sex to men” but there is something about the dynamics changing once that tension is relieved, the hunter has had his kill, (no matter how many more times he wants it again) that usher in a whole new set of complex rules!  

But what would happen if we threw all of those rules out?  What if we texted when we wanted to text (so long you aren’t texting at the rate of him needing to take out a restraining order)…or what if we said what we really felt or did what we really wanted?   Not in a selfish way, because when someone asked me for a definition about a month ago of both great love and amazing sex, I said “both are about constantly submitting to the other persons wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well.”

I guess we need to ask ourselves “Why date?  What is our goal?’  I would respond to that question different ways at different times over the past year and a half, as I’ve had different needs along the way.  However, my first answer is usually “I anticipate the joy of loving someone!”  And, I want to be loved too.  I’m pretty simple at the base as I care nothing about being wined and dined or traveling the world…I just want someone to sit with me on a quiet morning drinking coffee, to take a long walk with, share deep talks with, having rocking sex with, but mostly BE KNOWN.    

So why do we buy into all the trappings, ie rules of modern dating?  

   *You can’t say what you really feel until a certain amount of time has passed.  

     *You can’t be the first to text.  

        *You can’t ask a man out.  

           *You can’t let them meet your kids until one thing or the other happens.  

               *You can’t let them think you like them more than they like you.  

On and on and on the list goes, and that’s before you get to all of the rules surrounding proclamation of the “L word!”

Read this quote from the book, "If the Buddha Dated":

“Our longing is also our desire to be known completely.  Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you.  Imagine being able to do the same.  That is the potential of a conscious relationship.”

Wow!  Who doesn’t want that? 

So friends, anyone want to join me in a bonfire?  I’m making a conscious effort to throw all of “the rules”…It's a good thing my trash runs in a few hours because I'm pretty sure bonfires at my apartment building are against "the rules"!