On being Badass

We probably all define being badass differently...and what would be badass for one person may be a normal everyday occurance to another.  The urban dictionary says "A Badass is A person who defines supreme confidance." 

One thing you should know about me is that I am a calm and serene person…well, when my children allow me to be, anyway.   A couple of months ago, I had an opportunity to be badass.  Well, Okay, I wasn’t badass from the start but I went back to seize my opportunity. 

My daughter asked me to take her to a nearby sporting goods store.  I’d much rather go to Sephora or Ulta, but my naturally beautiful tomboy wouldn’t be caught dead there, unless shopping for me.  So we are at the store and she’s leading me around checking on all the things she wants to see.  We get to the back, near the shoe department and I see an attractive man my age waiting on another customer…he notices me and holds his eye contact a little too long, losing track of what the customer was saying.   Its always a boost seeing that you distract someone.

My daughter and I kept looking around and a couple of minutes later, Sporty comes over to me and asks if we need anything.  I explain that my daughter has money she is desperately trying to find something to spend it on.  We start talking and we talk and talk and talk.  My girl is known as the matchmaker of her school…she’s been this way for ages.  I’ve asked her before why she doesn’t set me and up and she laughs and says “Mom, I couldn’t possibly know any men YOUR age!”  But her skills helped her realize that sporty and I were flirting and hitting it off, so ever the dutiful matchmaker, she tried clothes on and “looked” around for a half hour while we were chatting. 

Finally, when she exasperated her stalling techniques and could waste no more time, we made her purchase and left.  Sporty and I part with a lingering look in each other’s eyes and saying how great it was to chat.  During the course of our chat I found out he hadn’t dated anyone seriously in 8 months, he had two kids in similar age, he was just three years younger than me , this was his second job and he got off in two hours.

As I got in the car I was wishing I had the guts to give a man my number.  I have NEVER done that and I honestly wasn’t even sure how women go about it.  Of course, I wish he had asked for it, too,  but dutifully gave my mind a bunch of reasons why he wouldn’t have asked anyway (he was at work and could get in trouble, he thought it inappropriate in from of my daughter, etc.) 

We ran a couple more errands and I couldn’t stop thinking about wishing I had given him my number.  I told my daughter and she volunteered to go back and give it to him, but I felt that spineless and declined her offer. I went home and thought about it some more.  The clock was ticking away…it was 40 minutes until he got off work and I suddenly found myself back in my car driving to the sporting goods store.

I have to admit I looked good…I had on a hip, purple sweater, dark grey leggings that make my ass look amazing and my high-knee, high-heeled boots.   High heels make me feel strong, invincible, sexy, bad-ass.  I love them!  And I was having a good hair day.  In other words, I was on my a-game!

I grabbed one of my business cards and walked in the door.  It’s a big box store…the shoe department is at the back of the store, down the very long center aisle.  I entered the store, my heels clacking powerfully along.  Sporty was just putting something down, right in the center of the shoe department and looked up and saw me.   He stared a minute, I smiled big, he smiled big and then he came walking towards me until we met.

When we joined up, here’s how it went…

Sporty:  “Did you forget something or did she decide what she wanted?” 

Me:  “I did forget something…and I have never ever done this before, but I forgot to give you my number!”  “I’m at a time in my life where I don’t want to have any regrets and I thought I might if I didn’t give you my number.  Maybe we can grab coffee sometime, if you’d like.”

Sporty:  “I like coffee, that would be nice.”

Sporty:  “I’m Sporty, by the way, your name is Leah (looking at my card?)  It’s been so nice to talk to you today.”

Me: “I felt the same.  So, if you’re interested in talking more, please text or give me a call sometime.”

Sporty: “I will do that!”

Me: “Okay, I look forward to it.  Hope you have a great evening!”

Sporty: “You too!”

And scene….

Only I got to walk powerfully back down that long center aisle while he undoubtedly stared at my ass!  I felt the most exhilarated I’ve felt in the longest time!  And of course, I immediately knew it was blog worthy.  

 And I wished I had been video-taped…I was THAT proud of myself!

Now, the thing about me is that although I felt SO confident, independent for going after what I want, I do like the man to lead in every way.  I’m traditional at the heart…and I have to be the leader of all the other aspects of my life, so its nice to let someone else take this department. 

As it turned out, sporty and I ran into each other a couple days later at a restaurant and spent about 20 minutes chatting.  He texted a couple days later and then a couple weeks after that but by then I had met my current guy and wasn’t interested.  Honestly, after those 20 minutes I realized he was probably too soft for me anyway, but nothing can change anything about how great it felt to be badass! 

Throwing out "The Rules"

Anyone up for a bonfire?   Let's burn some rules, kick it old-school like in the 60s!  No, I’m not ready to get rid of the tools in my midlife dating toolbox, but I am embracing the need to get rid of "the rules". 

If you’ve been in the midlife dating game for very long and are a seeker of information like me, then you have read articles, maybe books too and searched online forums to find out what the hell we are all supposed to be doing.  Being that understanding the opposite sex is an age-old problem, even once you got past the whole “How do I get back out there?” question, you then have the “What did he really mean when he did or said X, Y and Z?”  Or for you male readers, “What is it she really wants from me?” 

In my online digging, I’ve unfortunately found that most advice is something that, at my inner core, goes totally against my gut.  I’m an open book, I mean, I’m the gal who will tell the lady checking me out at the register at Target anything about myself if its topical.  I am who I am, most of the time, or at least that is always my goal.  But since dating after divorce, I’ve found I occasionally have some insecurities that link me back to my days in college where I wonder incessantly what is really going on with my ‘crush’.  Of course, my goals were different then, but that may or may not matter in the grand scheme of things.  Lets be honest, no matter your age there’s nothing like the excitement of someone new to make you realize you can easily be turned into a horny and emotional teenager again.

Some of the icky things you will find if you go hunting are websites purely devoted to teaching men how to be pick-up artists and books telling women they will never get and keep a man if they aren’t a bitch to him, supposedly turning men into a mold-able pile of goo to do whatever you desire.   On top of that, there’s a whole system of who is the 1+ and the -1, which is a precarious balance of trying to make sure you are always the “One up” so you have the “one down” exactly where you want them.  Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 

I even was part of an online dating forum for mid-lifers that I stumbled upon when my short-but-too-serious-too-fast quasi-relationship started to end and I needed some male perspective.   Yes, I definitely found the advice there helpful as I began to really get some sea legs in the dating pond, but sometimes the advice was really bad.   Over time, though, I began to realize that the members there were a very specific and narrow-minded microcosm and being an open-minded gal,  I needed a much broader perspective.  There was a lot of talk about the above tactics, as well as, narrow thinking of who you had to be to attract the type of person you should be with.

The other night I was at a meetup group event.  The men and women ranged from late 20s to early 50s, most single, but a few married people too.  There was a subset of women huddling together throughout the night talking about their latest guy drama.  Ever the midlife-dating sociology student, the whole exchange intrigued me greatly.  If I had to wrap it all up, there were a few women who had given the man in question their “goodies” and then it all changed.  It didn’t matter how long they dated before the goodies were given, the results seemed to be the same …they weren’t texting, they weren’t calling so the women were doing what we do…over-analyzing every freaking possibility known to man.  When the men were brought into the conversation for advice, they said “sex is just sex to men” but there is something about the dynamics changing once that tension is relieved, the hunter has had his kill, (no matter how many more times he wants it again) that usher in a whole new set of complex rules!  

But what would happen if we threw all of those rules out?  What if we texted when we wanted to text (so long you aren’t texting at the rate of him needing to take out a restraining order)…or what if we said what we really felt or did what we really wanted?   Not in a selfish way, because when someone asked me for a definition about a month ago of both great love and amazing sex, I said “both are about constantly submitting to the other persons wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well.”

I guess we need to ask ourselves “Why date?  What is our goal?’  I would respond to that question different ways at different times over the past year and a half, as I’ve had different needs along the way.  However, my first answer is usually “I anticipate the joy of loving someone!”  And, I want to be loved too.  I’m pretty simple at the base as I care nothing about being wined and dined or traveling the world…I just want someone to sit with me on a quiet morning drinking coffee, to take a long walk with, share deep talks with, having rocking sex with, but mostly BE KNOWN.    

So why do we buy into all the trappings, ie rules of modern dating?  

   *You can’t say what you really feel until a certain amount of time has passed.  

     *You can’t be the first to text.  

        *You can’t ask a man out.  

           *You can’t let them meet your kids until one thing or the other happens.  

               *You can’t let them think you like them more than they like you.  

On and on and on the list goes, and that’s before you get to all of the rules surrounding proclamation of the “L word!”

Read this quote from the book, "If the Buddha Dated":

“Our longing is also our desire to be known completely.  Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you.  Imagine being able to do the same.  That is the potential of a conscious relationship.”

Wow!  Who doesn’t want that? 

So friends, anyone want to join me in a bonfire?  I’m making a conscious effort to throw all of “the rules”…It's a good thing my trash runs in a few hours because I'm pretty sure bonfires at my apartment building are against "the rules"! 

Exquisite Torture.... (pen-pals from across the pond, part2)

Exquisite Torture

McDreamy and I made a date for the night he arrived in the states.  I have to admit I was half wishing that the chemistry wouldn’t be there and my Catalyst would be right, “British men ARE Tossers.”  Yeah, Catalyst isn’t a big fan of his fellow countrymen.  We agreed to meet at a restaurant downtown, neither of us had been there of course, but I had heard about it from a Friend.  It turned out that it was a quiet, small and groovy kinda dive with a very eclectic venue and crowd…it was perfect!

I walked in the door and McDreamy stood up when he saw me…all 6 foot, 4 inches of him! I try not to be a height snob, I really do, but a tall man just does something to me…I think I like being towered over and I have no idea why.  Oh, he was so much dreamier in person, in fact, his hair was different than his pictures and he looked even more handsome and younger than portrayed.  His fitted tshirt and jeans, his glowing perfect skin…oh, I digress…anyway, after some British-English to American-English menu translations we figured out what we wanted to order and could now concentrate on just each other.

Before the drinks were even served, the chemistry was the most intense of any date I’ve been on, yes, even better than with Catalyst!  There was a lot of flirting, a lot of referring to past emails and also a lot of heartfelt conversation too.  His eye contact was captivating…it astounds me how poorly some men are at it in general.   I have to be honest, by the end of the meal, I was literally having the inside shakes you can get from something other than being cold.  I’ve had them after a really good orgasm or a highly emotional event but there was no sure explanation from these except the intense connection and chemistry we were feeling.

He paid the check and we walked around downtown, neither of us familiar with where we were actually going.  Suddenly we happened to look at each other, stop walking, all of that pent up desire through dinner just poured out and we were kissing passionately before we knew it. It was a great kiss, it was delicious and I wanted so many more.   We found an English pub on our walk and he wanted to go in, which was kinda cute since he had been in Britain just a few hours before.  It was not a popular place that night, just us and another couple, but we didn’t care and acted half our age.  We were so into each other, couldn’t sit close enough, or in that moment, experience enough of each other…mind, soul or body.

Before we knew it, our time was coming to a close and Jet lag was starting to set in on poor McDreamy as it was nearly 2am his time.  We got in my car so I could drop him off at his hotel and well, it was on.  The most impeccable kisses I’ve had in such a long time, hands everywhere and a keen awareness of how aroused we both were.  I didn’t exactly keep my first date/first base rule, our situation was so unique, but I did not go into his hotel with him which took tremendous restraint, I assure you.

When we got to the hotel, we both got out of the car to get a proper hug and kiss goodbye. His long, lovely arms just wrapped right around me. Being an arm and eye gal, those arms were perfectly how I like them.  We both talked about the torture and temptation we were feeling…wanting something so badly but realizing there are obstacles between us, like the Atlantic Ocean for one. 

There was such a bittersweet awareness that we only had THIS time and THIS place and THIS amazing chemistry, such a secret treasure we’d found.  It was all somehow beautiful, despite unmet desires and possibilities we could not entertain.  Although there are no adequate words for our unique experience, “exquisite torture’ is the most accurate description I can find.  Yes, exquisite torture both erotic and arousing, pleasing and yet, frustrating too.

He sent me an email the next morning telling me his first impression of me and said “I thought you are lovely, with SUCH sensual eyes and this loving caring nature which felt like you would REALLY look after my sexual needs .... does that make sense??”   It made perfect sense because it IS who I am and who I truly aspire to be!  It’s also proof positive that these wonderful British creatures I find so irresistible, with seemingly little time together, just “get me!”

So once again, an Englishman fits me so much better than local friends, therefore, I really must start saving for a trip to London to further my “purely academic" research.   Knowing it was well worth it, I’d happily take more days like this perfect one…. yes, sign me up for more days filled with possibilities and desires that can only lead to exquisite torture.

My real-life episode of Sex and the City

This experience could totally be an episode of Sex in the City.  It was one of those times that you are scrolling an inner dialog thinking, “Did this just really happen, or have I been slipped a mickey and imagined it all?”

For whatever reason, I tend to attract and get on well with British men, my BFF says I’m a Brit magnet.  My own theory is because they know HOW, and more importantly, WANT to get to know a woman’s mind.  Or at least find out what you really think about things and then say great lines like “You have a brilliant mind!”  Hey, it works on me.  I find most American men don’t care at all what we think and it drives me crazy.  If I could find a way to only date expats I would be a happy girl, no not because of the accent, but let’s be honest, it is definitely a bonus!

I happened upon “Brit2” online.  We actually had sent long and frequent emails and texts off and on for weeks.  He was more reserved as all Englishmen are,  and therefore took his time before setting up a lunch.  (I now have my own policy not to talk to anyone longer than two weeks online before meeting in person, but hey, I was still a rookie.)    He, like catalyst, requested we not exchange photos, which on the upside makes you feel like a kid on Christmas morning when you are about to meet. 

I asked him to meet me at my Indian restaurant for lunch.  He was extremely laid back, very British-looking, very interesting to chat with and we were having a brilliant time.  He suavely came over to my side of the booth and sat next to me and that’s when I started feeling sparks. 

Unfortunately, I had an appointment with my trainer about an hour and a half after we met so there wasn’t a chance to linger.  However, he did a very sweet thing, followed me to the gym and then we talked and kissed in the parking lot for a couple of minutes and went our separate ways.  Overall, I felt we had a very good date and I was looking forward to seeing and kissing him again.

We texted more that day but I actually had a dinner date too.  My dinner date, who I will call Mr Green, had met online just a couple of days before.  He had been honest enough to tell me he hadn’t quite left his wife yet and seemed to be a big mess.  Call me a softie but I remember feeling helpless at first so I offered to meet him for dinner, but made it very clear I was just paying it forward and wasn’t interested in anything more than being his friend.  He agreed and then picked a very nice restaurant for us, actually.

Honestly, I let him do most of the talking.  And boy did he spill his guts, including telling me he had barely had any sex in 15 years because he couldn’t get it up because he might be attracted to men and was confused.  This was a little more than I bargained for...this man didn’t need a friend, he needed a therapist!

My safety friend checked in and I replied “I’m fine…he’s harmless.”

We were about an hour into it when I say “I really wanted to go ahead and meet you b/c someone paid it forward to me, he was my catalyst and I want to be able to do the same for other people.”   Then I happen to mention right after that my Catalyst was British and he immediately hops on it and it says “Your British friend doesn’t happen to be named ‘*******’ does it?  He’s in a science occupation and lives in a xyz town?”  He perfectly described Brit2…my lunch date!

I’m an open book, an honest gal, as real as they come so I replied, “No, catalyst name is ****, but I had lunch with ****** earlier today!”  I sat there, mouth gaping at how odd this was turning out to be…I mean I was already inwardly gasping at all the crazy personal sexual stuff he shared and now this!

Mr Green then says “Oh, well my wife had a fling with him {Brit2} years ago!”  Then he went on to tell me details of that and he and his wife’s situation and that she also might be gay.  I’m not a judgmental person…the only time I tend to have opinions is when people won’t just be who they are and own up to their flaws and mistakes. 

Shortly after this, he went to the restroom, during which time I did what ANY girl would do…I texted my two best girlfriends and said “Meet me for coffee at 8:45…I am having the craziest experience and will ONLY tell you in person!  You are NOT going to believe it!”

We ended the date and Mr Green wanted to know what I was going to do about Brit2.  I said I wasn’t sure yet, but told him I would not tell Brit2 any of what he told me. 

So I sped to where both the gals were waiting for me with coffee.  I was about to burst because I wanted to laugh and roll my eyes at myself.  We get through the preliminary hi’s and they had all kinds of grand ideas about what I had to tell them but of course, who the hell could guess the truth?

I start relaying the story of the date and then I said “And then he tells me that Brit2 and his wife had an affair years ago!”  They gasped and then guffawed!  This could only happen to me.  What are the fucking chances that I could meet two men in the same day, from two different dating sites, and end up going out with men who had that kind of coincidence?  Life is stranger than fiction.

As we sipped our coffee and ate our blackberry cobbler while laughing at my day, that’s when I knew I was in my very own episode of sex and the city, only I was wearing slightly more comfortable shoes.  

Oh my...First date in TWENTY years!

Okay, there is nothing like the pressure of having your FIRST DATE in TWENTY YEARS!  I was definitely more nervous than my first date as a teenager...in fact, I'm not sure I even remember it.  Dating has changed a lot in twenty years and at this age, we know we are all flawed.  We are no longer wearing the rose-colored glasses looking for someone "perfect" for us because we have battles scars and we know that doesn't exist. 

My first date was with a wonderful British man whom I will call "The Catalyst."  When we met, I had been single again for about eight months.  Although I had taken a peek at online dating sites , it just seemed like all the profiles were the same, so how I found the Catalyst was really quite funny.  I went on to craigslist to look for a desk, because I was finally ready to get rid of the craft table I had been using to run my busy home business.  I decided it was time to get serious which didn’t last long, because I'm easily distracted!  So after not finding much in the furniture section, I happened to see the personals and that is where it all began.

If I knew before this that craigslist had personals, I had forgotten.  I decided to take a peek and honestly, I figured the ads would be sparse or very outdated because there's so many dating sites...why would anyone go THERE looking for love?  But I peeked and I 'bravely' went to the strictly platonic section!  There was an ad that caught my eye where a man said he was just looking for someone to talk to and email throughout the day.  As you all may have figured out, you turn off your availability and flirting signal during your marriage, so I was about to enter a whole new world.  I had NO idea if I could still be charming or flirtatious and thought maybe answering this ad was a good way to figure out how to talk to men again. 

The catalyst answered back right away and I think that first day, we exchanged 42 emails or something.  There was great conversation from the start.  The reason I call him the Catalyst (and yes, he knows that will always be his place in my life) is that he helped me so much in forming my thoughts on getting married again (no likely to happen), how my beliefs in God had changed (I’m a Diest), dating and sex (because I really like it) and hell, we just talked about any and everything...a lot!  Besides that great British dry wit, he is smart, sees below the surface in all sorts of settings, and a foodie!  There was never a lack of things to talk about and even though I had already started to find ME again and was loving being in a position to reinvent myself, our talks really made me a better person and a better version of me. 

Now, some of you get so stuck on the physical (although I’m extremely sexual, that's not what I mean) that you won’t understand this, but we never exchanged pictures.  After ten days of emailing countless times a day, we moved to texting (and yes, I'll admit it now, sexting, too!)  Finally, after a month, we decided to meet for the first time!  We knew each other so well by then, but still no pictures.  Of course, throughout our talks we had mentioned things about our appearance so maybe we had some vague idea of what we might look like, but we didn't know for sure. 

As SOON as the date was scheduled...about five days before the actual dinner, my girlfriends and I began to plan!  There were visits to the hair salon, the nail salon and pow-wows on what to wear!  Because the girls didn't agree on the outfit, it went to texting pictures to other friends and getting them to vote on which dress to wear...it was fun, but it was an 'ordeal!"  I do know, the catalyst had been on a couple of other dates since being single himself and he bought a new shirt to wear that night, but I also know he had NO idea how monumental it is to a woman to be on a date for the first time in 20 years! 

The night of the date, my BFF came over to help me get ready and by the time she and the sitter (also a friend) waved to me as I drove down the driveway, I felt like I was going to prom!  I had a big bundle of nerves and excitement turning in my stomach and I think I was probably shaking a little inside too.  I'm not a nervous nelly in most circumstances but I was so worried, after a whole month invested, that maybe it would be a disaster in person! 

We pulled up at the same time and honestly, he looked much the way I imagined him but he was also someone I would have passed on the street unnoticed.  The Catalyst has beautiful blue eyes, however, the WHOLE attraction I had with him from the start was the mindf*ck!   Guys, the real way to get to a quality woman (and quite possibly into her pants) is to take the time to explore her mind, her thoughts, her values and so forth...THIS is a mindf*ck! 

I was quite worried that perhaps we wouldn't have that ability in person.  I was wrong!  We went to an Indian restaurant because the Catalyst introduced me to Indian food by talking about it in emails and I started trying things and fell in love with it!  But let me tell you that although the food was almost as excellent as our conversation, we had chemistry like I have never felt before.  In fact, upon return visits to this restaurant, which I had only gone to twice before, the waiter remembered the crazy chemistry...it was that noticeable!  So for three hours we sat in that booth talking about a zillion things and at times, we didn't talk at all, we caught each other’s eyes and just stared, getting off track mid-sentence. 

Then we moved to an outside pub and sat side by side for another three hours, talking and laughing and even tearing up sharing some deep stuff.  As you may now, I have a rule...first date/first base only, which I am upfront about with men before we meet.  So there was sweet hand holding and then after six hours and realizing it was very late, we had to say goodnight.  He walked me to my car and he had told me numerous times that he would be nervous to make a move so I wasn’t sure if he would kiss me or not.  He did and we kissed for a bit despite college kids coming and going to the bar around us, joking that someone would probably video it with their phones and put it on youtube saying "Ew...look at these two old people making out!" 

As I drove away I wasn't on cloud 9, I was on cloud 87!  It couldn't have gone better.  On top of the amazing connection we had, I lived through my first date in 20 years.  As corny as it sounds (and I promise I am not that girl), it was magical and I still don't have a desk...I never did go back to craigslist to look for one...imagine that!