Don't Buy the Lie!

If you’ve been divorced (or never married) and are in midlife, male or female, you’ve heard time and time again that you shouldn’t NEED someone in your life.  You are ENOUGH by yourself.  You need to LOVE being single.  You have read articles and list after list of all the reasons why you should be so blessed to be all YOU need in your life! 

No one needs these lists for being coupled.  You don’t have to be told by a thousand experts why you are lucky to be in a healthy, loving relationship.  You don’t have to be told because already know!  No one has to remind you why companionship, affection, acceptance and comfort is good…our whole being…mind, soul, heart and body knows it’s good.    

So why do people work so hard to convince us that being single is the ultimate, and only after you find yourself incidentally single?  Doesn’t society tell us from day one that the ultimate goal is to be married with a white picket fence and 2.2 perfect children, a well-paying job, new cars, enviable vacations and plenty of fabulous friends? 

But the second we find ourselves uncoupled, well, we have to hear endless people, including all the “experts” tell us why we are lucky. Then almost in the same breath, those who care for us pummel us with questions about our status…are you dating?  Are you dating anyone special?  Then when you answer no, you see their disappointed faces and either you tell them some line about why you aren’t looking (even if you are) or they tell you how the world is your oyster and you should be loving it.

It can’t be both ways, folks! 

Now granted, if you’ve been through a midlife divorce, you have undoubtedly had people come out of the woodwork to tell you how much they dislike being married.  Or you can now use your post-divorce-spidey-sense to see that many people really aren’t happy with their relationships despite how happy they make it look on facebook. 

Honestly, it’s the ‘experts’ (who by and large, aren’t even single) that go on and on about how we need to be content with our singleness.  Even in my church-going days, the married women would say…”Once you are content being single is when your husband will come along.”  Really?  No!  This is why the second any of us, male or female, meet someone we have a spark and connection with we turn into mushy teenagers at the speed of lightning! 

We are also urged to appear fierce in our singleness, neglect vulnerability and therefore feel we can’t openly express our very basic God-given need…which is relationship.  And heaven forbid we be real about this common need on a dating profile!  The person of the opposite sex has now been programmed to read that must be needy, clingy, desperate or looking for a sugar daddy if you mention your real desire to find someone.  Um…hello!  Aren’t we on dating websites to find love?  Let’s just agree to be real about THAT little known fact, which by the way, is backed by a two billion industry.  Yeah, those moguls are laughing all the way to the bank at the games we play and the lies we’ve bought into that prevent us from really finding love and keep us coming back for more…because they know unless we change our mindset, we will make the same mistakes time and again. 

Don’t get me wrong…I’m a pretty independent person.  I’m determined, driven when I want to be, intuitive and a great problem solver.  I’m also an introvert by nature (except in the bedroom), a fairly peaceful and quiet person (again, except in the bedroom)…and I NEED and crave alone time (except in the bedroom!)  There are things I enjoy about being single and being free of expectations someone else might put on me.  But what if it brings MORE joy to my life to be able to cook for someone else, to do something loving or sacrificial for the person I care about vs doing that same thing JUST for myself.   What if fulfilling those expectations for someone else, which is the ultimate expression of love, actually makes your life better?

I don’t need a man to complete me.  Nor would I want to be with a man who needed someone to complete him.  I’ve always liked the 1 x 1=1 thinking about couples versus the two halves make a whole.  But I do want to complement him and for him to complement me.  (That’s complement…as in add value to or enhance, but compliments are always great, too!)  I am looking for a man that makes me a better version of myself and I would like to feel I am the same for him.  This, of course, doesn’t mean when I am not dating someone I am a lesser person, either.

What’s wrong with admitting we would like someone to eat dinner with at the end of the day, discuss our happenings, world events and laugh at life’s little mishaps?  What’s wrong with wanting to wake up with someone who doesn’t look their best in the morning?  What’s wrong with knowing your coffee time would be just a little better if you were sitting snuggled close to someone on the couch?  Then there’s knowing that parties are harder to go to alone and having someone to just call or text during the day when it’s a particularly good one or even when it’s not so good, makes the day just a little bit better.  And of course, sex…don’t even TRY to pretend it’s better alone…as I always say…(okay, Marvin Gaye said it first) “Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby!”  And those that would argue no-strings-attached sex is more desirable to sex with a loving partner who you can sexually engage any time you want, I say “Bollocks!”   

So I’m giving myself permission and I’d love for yourself permission, too…sure we can be complete, whole and emotionally stable singletons who aren’t desperate to be completed by some other person.  We can be strong, we can know what we want….and what we want is to find love!  It’s okay to admit it to yourself!  It’s okay to say it out loud!    It’s okay to put on your dating profile!  It’s okay to share with your date!  It’s okay to be who really are, to freely feel and express what you really need…that’s confidence, that’s independence, that’s damn sexy!  

The Gift of Vulnerability (continued from Discipline of Vulnerability)

So a couple of nights ago, there was even more intense practice of vulnerability.  True vulnerability is all-encompassing.  You are opening up and welcoming someone into your mind, soul, heart and body… your fears and insecurities don’t suddenly vanish, but you have to purposefully ignore them, this is where the discipline comes in. 

“Staying [mindful] doesn’t preclude the euphoria of an inner tremor when your beloved comes through the door, or the pure joy of spending time together.  It means your excitement exists alongside your fears and vulnerability.”  ~Charlotte Kasl

The discipline also requires you opening up all facets of yourself.  I think many people have constructed a flight of stairs in revealing themselves to others.  If you pass this step, you can move on to the next and if you do okay with that one, then up you go.  Some people are equally cautious about new friends too, but most of us make friends go through a lot less than we do our romantic interests, yet can’t understand why suitors don't get past the first step or two.  I just wanted to be open, to invite Mr Metaphor in, and in him exploring me and my exploring and learning him, I am free to also learn a whole lot more about myself. 

It takes discipline to put aside your lists of expectations, your judgments and find a place of grace, acceptance and kindness.  This grace, acceptance and kindness must both be granted to the other person, and even moreso to yourself…after all, we are our worst critics.  To do this, you need to be able to “fire your reporters,” tell yourself even though it’s scary, it’s worthwhile….and remembers your scars can be beautiful to others. 

One way I am having to discipline myself is when Mr Metaphor is pointing out my beauty, not to instantly give a “yeah, but…” or rolling my eyes, etc.  It’s like when your friend compliments your newly decorated living room and you say “thank you, but” then start pointing out flaws, like the spot where they paint isn’t even, the lamp shade that needs a tiny repair, the picture is crooked and so on.  It’s quite possible that the flaws weren’t nearly as noticeable as we thought, or that they even enhanced the beauty…imperfection is always far more beautiful to me.  We need to be conscious and remind ourselves to stop those “yeah, buts” and eye-rolls, respecting our own beautiful imperfections. 

So what about physical vulnerability?  My single gal pals can’t believe I would have sex the first time with someone in daylight, or lots of light or that I would have all of my clothes off at the same time.  Despite being the “size of the average American woman” and having lost a good bit of weight to get here, my imperfections are impossible to hide.  I have plenty of hang-ups about my body.  But I don’t think they are any different than the hang-ups of my friends who are a size 2 or 8.  We all have them, but you know what I think?  I think the men who gaze at us usually don’t notice any of things we do…not even when fully exposed, completely naked, drenched in light where no flaw can hide.   While I have felt pretty comfortable in front of my past lovers, no one has made me more comfortable than Mr. Metaphor.  By asking me to strip away the brakes and open myself up to him, with the promise of no judgment, no expectations nor any limitations on his part, he’s given me this comfort and acceptance to be myself and it’s so freeing.  

The other night, ah, THAT lovely night…we were at his place and after initial pleasantries, exchanging a few kisses and catching up recent happenings, he was soon taking my clothes off and then his.  There were no thoughts of hurrying us to bed, no there is nothing rushed about a leg man, but this was our most intense exercise in physical vulnerability to date.  He is far better at all of this than I, and I love to let him lead with all of his erotic creativity.   We started out sitting on a lovely little couch facing each other, just talking…about us, about sensual things and about all kinds of things, actually.   He just caressed my body, even the parts I hate.  The discipline of eye contact is amazingly arousing… just to stare into each other’s eyes while touching and talking.  If I put my hand anywhere near me, he would tell me to stop covering.  If I put my knees together, he would remind me to be open.  Our body language is so often subconscious even when we have the best of intentions, and I welcome him to call me out on things I do not even realize I am doing.  I was completely vulnerable, so safe, yet in no way exploited or exposed, just completely free to be me in every single way…mind, body and soul.    

He sat against one end of the loveseat and I had my head at the other with my legs draped on his chest and shoulders while he just ran his hands up and down every part, with our eyes locked into each others.  Once I was relaxed and truly vulnerable within myself in every way, it felt amazing and although he thoroughly enjoyed feeling every single part of my body, he was giving me yet another beautiful gift.  This was not just the special gift of himself, but he was also giving me a beautiful gift of finding another part of me.    

 The amazing feeling of our bodies intertwining that followed, the giggles, the smiles, the moans, the pulsing, the collaboration, the giving, the receiving, the taking, the tastes, the fullness of fulfillment were all perfection within themselves, but the true gift, the true gift of what this special man is giving to me is the discipline of vulnerability.  

Fire the Reporters!

Fire the reporters

I think we should fire the reporters!   In this case, the reporters live within us and they are the ones who tell us stories about ourselves.  Almost always, these reporters do not base their stories on facts or science or ‘what is”. 

These reporters have concocted a variable cornucopia of fictional work against us, from the silly and mundane to the serious stuff we don’t tell anyone we hear as we lay our head on our pillow each night. 

Some of these stories stem from things our parents told us.  My mother was quite overweight, I struggled with my weight too, but my mom told me three things that still stick with me to this day, even though I know they are not factual or even thought by others to be true.  She said “Fat girls don’t wear white.  Fat girls don’t wear Red.  Fat girls don’t wear belts.”  You won’t find anything in my closet white or red, although I have been known to own red lingerie, and I’ve probably worn a belt less than 20 times in my life.  I know what my sweet mom said wasn’t true, just like I know she never meant any lifelong psychological damage by it.  But these are the early stories we are told and continue to tell ourselves.  Maybe it wasn’t just your upbringing, maybe it was your ex-spouse too.  When your house is not clean enough, do you still hear his words in your own voice in your head?  Or when the bank account is slim, you still hear her words in your voice complaining about your career choices?    

These stories also permeate our post-divorce and dating life too.  How many times have my single gal pals sent me a text on a lonely night and said “I’m a loser!” I’ll admit that I’ve let that thought cross my mind myself.  But here’s the truth:I can attest that my friends are most certainly not losers, instead they are smart, beautiful, confident women who would be great catches for the right men…it’s just the MATCHING of the men that is the challenge, not my amazing friends or men they meet on the search.   Well, mostly.

Maybe this will ring a bell…we don’t get a second date with someone we actually liked.  Instead of looking at the true facts of the matter, those reporters start firing up story after story and almost always, we are the exposed celebrity.  For women, it goes something like this “I’m not pretty enough, I’m too fat, My boobs are too small, My butt is too big, I’m too needy, I’m too nice”…well, you get the picture.  Men have this similar stories under the same circumstances and it goes like this, “I don’t make enough money, My car is too old, my arms are not muscular enough, I’m not a good conversationalist, My *package* is not big enough, I’m too nice.”  In reality, it’s probably not any of those things…it’s just that one of you felt that thing we are all looking for was not there…spark!   We all know that you can’t manufacture spark or cause it to not be there.   I have really liked some dates in the time we talked before we met and then nothing…and it’s painful for me when the spark isn’t there, but it’s not personal.

So let’s try something…when the reporters start talking in your ear, let’s talk back louder! 

When they say you aren’t good enough at your job, or as a provider, take time to remind yourself of the truth…what work you contribute to your workplace is important and your income is providing a whole list of things for you and possibly, others.

When the reporters try to convince you that you aren’t being a good parent because you didn’t buy your child the latest and greatest new thing, or you let them stay up late on a school night or eat an extra cookie, take time to remind you of your truth…they have all their NEEDS met, you’re a good parent because you love your child like no one else can.

When you put your foot in your mouth while talking to a friend and the reporters start telling you all the reasons you don’t deserve friends or forgiveness…tell yourself the truth of what a great friend you can be and that your heart was not to hurt them and forgive yourself.

And finally, when your phone is far too quiet and loneliness sneaks in, send those damn reporters packing and remind yourself of what IS in your life.  I bet if you were on the outside looking in, you wouldn’t even hear those reporters because everyone else knows what a great person you are and how much people adore you. 

Singleness can be tough when you’re lonely.  Midlife can be such a time of self-discovery and change.  Put the two together and sometimes it takes constant awareness to remind yourself that you matter, that you’re amazing, that you will find love again, that the days ahead can be filled with overwhelming gifts you haven’t even thought of yet.  Just don’t let it be filled with those noisy tabloid reporters!