Embracing "The Power of Vulnerability"

 You know when you see a really good movie or have a really good meal and you want to tell all your friends so they can experience it too?  That is what I am doing today!  The "Power of Vulnerability" is the name of a TED talk I happened upon this morning.  If you aren’t familiar with TED, go spend some time on their website…it’s a bevy of goodness on every topic around from some of the most innovative and insightful folks ever.  This morning I didn’t find any talks that immediately jumped out at me in the new section so I picked “most shared this week” and I saw a talk by Brene Brown that caught my eye.  (The link will be at the bottom of this post.) 

Since Vulnerability is the newest lesson in my life right now and one that I am thinking and writing about as I discipline myself to practice daily, I eagerly clicked play.  I’m honestly utterly speechless, I'm changed and I hope you will be too.  Okay so maybe I'm not completely wordless, but will try to sum up some of the things that spoke to me, although  I hope you will watch it yourself and share your own thoughts. 

Brene is a "shame researcher," and as she studied shame as the fear of disconnection, she realized that the underpinning was excruciating vulnerability.  In order to have connection we must be seen.  

I actually remember reading a book about vulnerability early into my marriage and I thought, no way, ain’t happening, because I equated vulnerability with weakness.  I was never purposefully vulnerable with my husband because I never felt he could be trusted with it, or strong enough for it.  We went through some life challenges that few couples have to face and despite this, my most raw moments of vulnerability and pain happened, not with my him or even a family member, it happened with a friend.  I guess my ego was too big because I never believed that those I had some emotionally responsibility for, like my mom and husband, could handle the depth of my emotion.  I’m embarrassed to say that now…that if I fell apart they would, too, but it is what I thought and I never gave them the opportunity to prove otherwise.  So over the years, I actually got really quite proficient at talking about my life in facts but not in emotions, where they felt I was being very open but I was still only comfortable with my own outside view.  It’s something I am not proud of but it is because I found the risk of vulnerability excruciating.

Dr Brown looked at people who had a strong sense of love and belonging and were worthy of it.  She found them to be wholehearted and they had three commonalities:  

Courage…to be imperfect

Compassion…to be kind to themselves first and then to others

Connection…as a result of authenticity.  

They were willing to let go of the idea of who people thought they should be and fully embraced vulnerability as willingness to do something with no guarantees, investing themselves without any promise of a return.  She found that this was fundamental for them.

Figuring this out caused her to have her own spiritual awakening which is aptly how I would describe where I am right now.  Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear and worth, but it is ALSO the BIRTHPLACE of creativity, belonging, love and joy.  To be vulnerable is to surrender and walk into it without pushing back.  Pushing back is always what I’ve done before.  I could easily relay details and lists of experiences while simultaneously crossing my fingers in hopes that no one would ask me about my emotions, because that would require me to acknowledge what likely, only I, would see as a failure or weakness. 

She points out that our society teaches us to numb our vulnerability…in fact its often encouraged…we are told to have a bottle of wine, eat a vat of ice cream, buy yourself something extravagant, take medication to make you sleep or forget.  But the problem she points out and I’ve never thought of it before but it’s so, so true… we can’t selectively numb pain.  We can’t choose to numb our pain over loss, disappointment, anger without numbing the joy, goodness and love in our life too…and what happens when we come back to feeling again?  Start the numbing process all over or face the good and the bad? 

Another way we cope is something I’ve talked about quite a bit…building walls by living by rules.  She calls it “making the uncertain certain.”  We also perfect everything we can and we pretend that what we do doesn’t impact others. 

I don’t have the stomach for perfectionism but I know for me, I spent my life trying to live by a certain list of rules, not just those of a certain religious belief system, but also to be society’s version of a “good person.”  I thought these rules would keep me safe.  I thought I would have the life I wanted if I chose to follow them.  I thought that I could control all variables if I just looked up the coordinating rule to follow.  I was wrong…dead wrong.  In fact, I think part of me died living by all of that structure and only in my own awakening and the fullness of all the freedom I can handle at this point have I begun to feel alive again.    

Dr Brown explains how we can be vulnerable:

To let ourselves be deeply seen

To love with our whole heart without guarantee

To practice gratitude and joy within each moment 

To believe we are enough

In another TED talk she did on Shame, which I will also include below, she says “Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.”  It’s the measurement by which I want to live from now on.  I want to be fully alive, fully aware and fully awakened even when it gives no guarantee that the things I want most will be awarded me.  I know it’s a risk and I know I’ve lived most of life trying to only take calculated ones, but I just happen to think people are worth the risk.  I happen to think I’m worth it too.  

Power of Vulnerability  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Listening to Shame  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

Brene Brown's Website (and books I'm going to start reading today!)  http://brenebrown.com/books/