So a couple of nights ago, there was even more intense
practice of vulnerability. True
vulnerability is all-encompassing. You
are opening up and welcoming someone into your mind, soul, heart and body… your
fears and insecurities don’t suddenly vanish, but you have to purposefully
ignore them, this is where the discipline comes in.
“Staying [mindful] doesn’t preclude the euphoria of an inner
tremor when your beloved comes through the door, or the pure joy of spending
time together. It means your excitement
exists alongside your fears and vulnerability.”
~Charlotte Kasl
The discipline also requires you opening up all facets of yourself. I think many people have constructed a flight
of stairs in revealing themselves to others.
If you pass this step, you can move on to the next and if you do okay
with that one, then up you go. Some
people are equally cautious about new friends too, but most of us make friends
go through a lot less than we do our romantic interests, yet can’t understand
why suitors don't get past the first step or two.
I just wanted to be open, to invite Mr Metaphor in, and in him exploring
me and my exploring and learning him, I am free to also learn a whole lot more
about myself.
It takes discipline to put aside your lists of expectations,
your judgments and find a place of grace, acceptance and kindness. This grace, acceptance and kindness must both
be granted to the other person, and even moreso to yourself…after all, we are
our worst critics. To do this, you need
to be able to “fire your reporters,” tell yourself even though it’s scary, it’s
worthwhile….and remembers your scars can be beautiful to others.
One way I am having to discipline myself is when Mr Metaphor
is pointing out my beauty, not to instantly give a “yeah, but…” or rolling my
eyes, etc. It’s like when your friend
compliments your newly decorated living room and you say “thank you, but” then
start pointing out flaws, like the spot where they paint isn’t even, the
lamp shade that needs a tiny repair, the picture is crooked and so on. It’s quite possible that the flaws weren’t
nearly as noticeable as we thought, or that they even enhanced the beauty…imperfection
is always far more beautiful to me. We
need to be conscious and remind ourselves to stop those “yeah, buts” and
eye-rolls, respecting our own beautiful imperfections.
So what about physical vulnerability? My single gal pals can’t believe I would have
sex the first time with someone in daylight, or lots of light or that I would
have all of my clothes off at the same time.
Despite being the “size of the average American woman” and having lost a
good bit of weight to get here, my imperfections are impossible to hide. I have plenty of hang-ups about my body. But I don’t think they are any different than
the hang-ups of my friends who are a size 2 or 8. We all have them, but you know what I
think? I think the men who gaze at us usually
don’t notice any of things we do…not even when fully exposed, completely naked,
drenched in light where no flaw can hide.
While I have felt pretty
comfortable in front of my past lovers, no one has made me more comfortable
than Mr. Metaphor. By asking me to strip
away the brakes and open myself up to him, with the promise of no judgment, no expectations
nor any limitations on his part, he’s given me this comfort and acceptance to
be myself and it’s so freeing.
The other night, ah, THAT lovely night…we were at his place
and after initial pleasantries, exchanging a few kisses and catching up recent
happenings, he was soon taking my clothes off and then his. There were no thoughts of hurrying us to bed,
no there is nothing rushed about a leg man, but this was our most intense
exercise in physical vulnerability to date.
He is far better at all of this than I, and I love to let him lead with
all of his erotic creativity. We started
out sitting on a lovely little couch facing each other, just talking…about us,
about sensual things and about all kinds of things, actually. He just caressed my body, even the parts I
hate. The discipline of eye contact is
amazingly arousing… just to stare into each other’s eyes while touching and
talking. If I put my hand anywhere near
me, he would tell me to stop covering.
If I put my knees together, he would remind me to be open. Our body language is so often subconscious
even when we have the best of intentions, and I welcome him to call me out on
things I do not even realize I am doing.
I was completely vulnerable, so safe, yet in no way exploited or
exposed, just completely free to be me in every single way…mind, body and
soul.
He sat against one end of the loveseat and I had my head at
the other with my legs draped on his chest and shoulders while he just ran his
hands up and down every part, with our eyes locked into each others. Once I was relaxed and truly vulnerable
within myself in every way, it felt amazing and although he thoroughly enjoyed
feeling every single part of my body, he was giving me yet another beautiful
gift. This was not just the special gift
of himself, but he was also giving me a beautiful gift of finding another part
of me.
The amazing feeling
of our bodies intertwining that followed, the giggles, the smiles, the moans,
the pulsing, the collaboration, the giving, the receiving, the taking, the
tastes, the fullness of fulfillment were all perfection within themselves, but
the true gift, the true gift of what this special man is giving to me is the
discipline of vulnerability.
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