About a month ago a friend and I were discussing an article
called "Four pieces of sex advice from a 98 year old woman." And if you didn't guess already, yes, I want
to be her when I grow up! She has some
frank wisdom, especially the last two pieces of advice and you can read them
for yourself, here...
As we were discussing
the article via email, I described my thoughts like this:
"To me great love and great sex both are about
constantly submitting to the other persons’ wants and needs. If you are both doing this then you are both
getting your own needs met as well."
This sounds so simple,
both in sex and life/love, so why is it so difficult to put into practice? I think if many people were honest, they would
look and see that they are often self-serving in the beginnings of their
friendships and relationships. How many
times have we been told that we should be asking “What’s in it for me?” Then there are some people who only give so
that they will receive...they totally miss being able to experience the joy within the act
of sacrifice. I would ask what do you
have to offer? What are you putting
in? What are you willing to put in? Are you attempting to surrender yourself in a
loving way? Surely we have to be wise in
whom we can trust, but you also have to have an attitude that ceases looking
for problems. It’s also common, especially with online dating
and seemingly countless choices, it’s easy to get distracted by the next shiny
object before you’ve let anything develop with the person you’re currently
interested in.
Mrs. J, my therapist, told me she sees it time and time
again …people quit a relationship before it ever really starts because of some
stupid, insignificant reason! I know we
all have this unspoken list of deal-breakers whether we want to admit it or
not! I once talked to a man I enjoyed
for weeks before we met in person and I thought we were going to hit it off
well. I had seen his shaded glasses in
pictures before meeting but convinced myself his glasses were not HIM and I was
being petty. However when we met, the
glasses reminded me of the ones pedophiles on news stories have worn in mugshots…I felt
terrible, but I just couldn’t get past it. Despite being very disappointed, I had to realize I was shallow but I know we all have those triggers.
We also search for perfection, but let’s face it, we should
know by now that we are all flawed. Galway Kinnel said “Let our scars fall in
love.” I’ve always said this…”we all
have flaws, you just have to find a particular set of flaws you can live
with!” Flaws can be really beautiful,
actually, so give them a chance. They
make us unique, they are created by our experiences, both good and bad, they
make us real. If we are really seeking
something authentic, we have to decide how many of those silly deal-breakers
really matter in the grand scheme of life and throw out our rules in order to
be fully in the moment. There’s always
going to be a certain level of risk…but the old saying is true, “nothing
ventured, nothing gained!”
From the book I am reading, “If the Buddha dated” she likes
to use the phrase “crawling in love” versus “falling in love” which makes me envision a warm, cozy and safe place that I find comforting. I love the way the author puts it:
“Crawling in love is different from falling in love, or in
lust, because you stay connected to your intelligence.” “When we craw in love we are more likely to
find the true fire of hearts meeting because our bond is based on a wide array
of experiences, time together, familiarity, and the ability to talk over
conflict. Sex and love will flourish
alongside the rich, warm feeling that comes from an enduring bond where people
dwell in each other’s hearts.”
Is this a set of rules? I think not, but I do believe its sound advice. Acting upon it, however, requires me to attack my own
thoughts, abandon rules and pretense, be aware of my insecurities, be mindful of ‘what is’, stay connected to my
intelligence, enjoy making sacrifices, let feelings flourish and just crawl.
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