Thursday, November 27, 2014

A Single Woman's Ode of Thanksgiving to the Men of the Online Dating World

In this season of gratitude, we all strive to be thankful for every possible thing we can think of, so yes, lets be grateful for the good, bad and ugly men of the online dating world.

To these men, I say "Many Thanks" for all of the lessons you've taught us and for showing us who you REALLY are either right away or before any actual heartbreak occurs. 

*Mr Bathroom-Mirror-Selfie Guy:

We get it, you work out at the gym, (or not in some cases,) You get out of the shower and BEHOLD, there you are in ALL your glistening, studly beauty. Thank you for showing us you're a narcissist. No matter how great you think you look, do not snap a photo from the waist up and post it on your online dating profile to show virtual strangers. You know why? Because dating coaches like me will use it as material on a BIG power point screen (with your face cropped out of course) on what NOT to do! Dude, you missed your modeling career long ago…don’t you know women love to unwrap things and be surprised…leave some mystery!

*Mr Smiling-in-your-picture Guy:

We like you, we click on you and open your profile for a great and positive bio. Thank you for being a breath of fresh air. By now, we’ve seen umpteen pictures of men trying to look tough and unemotional and we don’t want to go out with that…we want you, the one who will smile at us as we look across the table at you. We appreciate you took your baseball cap and sunglasses off and we can see your kind, genuine eyes. Hang in there, we are looking for you! 

*Mr “Hi Sexy”

Thank you for being SO obvious about NOT reading our profile. We know you just looked at our photo, maybe our stats, and hit reply. Then you think saying “Hi Sexy” is either going to make us swoon at your feet or make us so grateful for attention that we wont care what else you say…or don’t say. Dude, we have 32 other emails in our inbox with exactly the same message. Read our freaking profile…or better yet, go read a book…quit trying to act like you’re God’s gift! 

*Mr I-actually-read-your-profile-and-think-we-have-something-in-common: 
You’re my favorite…I don’t care how beautiful you think I am, how much you like my eyes or that you have a thing for redheads, what I do care about is knowing you acknowledge I have a brain in my head and you have one too. Thank you for letting us know WHY you hit reply so we can start a real conversation. 

*Mr I-don’t-know-how-to-have-a-conversation:

We respond to your message or initiate our own and you just answer the question, say how much you like us but don’t ask a question back. You, my friend, are a taker and expect your partner to do all the work in the relationship and it shows right away. Make some freaking effort! Thank you for showing us exactly what it will be like to be with you...all take and no give. 

*Mr I-remember-details:

Thank you for giving us hope…you know how to listen, have a collaborative conversation and you remember the things we say. We know you do because you reference it later in a sweet way or make a joke about it…you are the ones who make us swoon! You, my friend, might actually be really looking for a relationship.

*Mr Liar/Cheater/Player:

Sigh…you seem to outnumber all the nice and real guys online. No one dates for long without running into one of you (and yes, there are female versions too). You lie about your job, your height, your accomplishments and most of all, your Marital status! Some of you will freely share you are married while expecting us to buy your sob story of why you have to stay in your awful marriage and deserve to find happiness on the side. Do us all a favor, man up, own your sh*t and grow a pair! Be who you are…own your job choice, your height and your lack of accomplishment. And best of all, do your wife a favor and leave her so SHE can find happiness…she is much better off without you! Oh yeah and thanks for nothing...I take that back, you have made us smarter and savvier...we owe you that, at least! 

*Mr Nice Guy:

We love you, we really do…you are emotionally available, you have a lot of love to give ONE woman and you are thrilled to show that love. Please don’t give up on us…those liars and cheaters shine their glossiness at us for a short time but when we leave them, you’re the one we hope to find and need. Don’t get discouraged, we have more love to give than you can imagine and are worth the wait. Thank you for reminding us you're still out there! 

*Mr Fast Forward:

You are crazy about us…from the MOMENT you respond to us. You ask us to meet you the first day, before you even know anything about us. Then when you meet us...you want to see us every day. While your attention can seem flattering, its too,too much! Many of you are actually good men, you will treat us well, but you need to take a breather and let things develop more naturally. If you keep pushing, you will creep us out, cause us to hit the “block caller” button on our phone and you will never hear from us again. Thank you for the validation that we are amazing...we kinda already knew it, but it's nice to hear. 

And no such list would be complete without…

*Mr D*ck Pic:

You can never leave this bozo out! You are the quintessential peacock…and you are ready to spread your feathers at the first sniff of a female. We have barely had a good conversation before you just decide, for God knows what reason, to send us a picture of your finer parts! You, my friend, know NOTHING about women and it shows. If you know anything about us, you know that we don’t find THAT, in and of itself, a turn on. We aren’t wired like you. Wonder why you can’t actually get a woman to a real date when you have such an amazing “piece?" It's because the sight of it has the opposite effect. Actually, its something we save until the next time we are drinking too much wine with our girlfriends and want to laugh…that’s when You get the most "attention", so, yeah, thanks for the laughs!

So, men of the online dating world…listen up and take a lesson where you need one. And to the good guys…we are looking for you. Believe me, smart and savvy and completely amazing women are looking for you, but you’re the needle in the haystack and we are wading through a whole lot of hay…but we are still looking, don’t give up!

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