Springboards....

If you didn’t get a chance to read “the art of a kind goodbye” then maybe you should as a preface to this post.  But basically my mantra in dating is to be kind…in the good and the bad, be kind.  And you know what?  I don’t have the dramatic horror stories others have in this crazy world of dating.  I firmly believe it’s because I’ve made it a point to take the high road, to expect the best, to encourage, to know when to walk away, but walk away in the light with magnificent grace.  I don’t just mean grace for myself, but grace for us all. 

Remember, we are all learning in this dating thing. Or we should be anyway.  And hopefully we are dating people enlightened enough to take their lessons and walk ahead.  The benefit of dating and meeting  a lot of men that aren’t quite right for you, is you begin to see a clearer picture of who is…and know better when to walk when they aren’t.

Which brings me to springboards…

Before I met “Metaphor Man” I had tried to go on maybe 4 or 5 first dates but I just didn’t enjoy them.  Not because the men weren’t enjoyable or interesting or attractive or respectable.  I didn’t’ enjoy them because “The one who ran away” bruised me enough to where I couldn’t quite go on a date without wishing it was him the whole time. 

When I met “The one who ran away” he said something that, at the time, seemed so amazingly sweet, but became true in a way contrary to how he meant it.  I think.   He said “I want to ruin you for any other man.”  What he meant was he wanted to be so good to me that I wouldn’t even think of another man being better.  It sounded great at the time.  But after he disappeared and I had no idea why, I feared I was ruined…and after all of those first dates, I would hear his words in my head as I sat there wishing it I was sitting across from him instead of the man of the hour.

It turned out that after four months of nothing, I finally heard from “The one who ran away” and maybe I will blog about that sometime.  But I had been promising myself I was going to go back online just a couple of days before he reappeared and kept putting it off.  However, that closure I finally got was all I needed to get back out there and not feel quite so ruined.

A few days later I met “Metaphor Man” and with complete respect and tactfulness, he noticed right away the ugly bruises that were left in the wake of my ruin.  He might not have recognized them as such, but he challenged me to take off my brakes, throw out the rules, be vulnerable, expand my understanding of freedom within spirituality and reminded me I was beautiful. 

This wasn’t a rebound situation because I wasn’t thinking at all about “The One Who Got Away”…but he was still marking me…bits of ruin still existed and that’s where I thought I cleverly could prevent it from happening again.   We’ve all gone into protective mode before.   I applied brakes before I even started driving, built a wall of rules like a fortress and although I have always been severely authentic, I’ve never known how to be truly vulnerable.  But “Metaphor Man” effortlessly saw right through all of those things and brought out more of the real me that existed before I became ruined.

Despite “Metaphor Man’s” ability to challenge me in the way I love to be challenged, the brief time we spent together had a purpose.  I learned so much from him that I actually didn’t friend zone him when I knew we couldn’t meet each other’s needs.  Maybe I was selfish when I purposely held on a little longer.  I realized early on that while “Catalyst” was there to ease me back into my new life post-divorce and gently prepare me, “Metaphor Man” was my catalyst of vulnerability.  It was something he sowed into me knowing he wouldn’t reap the rewards…a selfless act, actually.

So when I started with my current guy “The Scot”, (no, that’s not his name…he’s Scottish) I was in a much better place, yet he actually noticed the slightest tinges of those faint bruises, too.  I’m happy to report that through “The Scot’s” tender care of me the traces have disappeared, he makes me believe about myself all the wonderful things he tells me.  Yet, I couldn’t help but think that “Metaphor Man” actually prepared me to be ready for the amazing thing that is unfolding in my new relationship now.   That is a gift and it’s easily one that can be missed if you don’t make a purposeful decision to be introspective, yet friendly and kind and full of grace in your dating.   Society tells us far too often to blame instead of learn. 

When I ended it with “Metaphor Man” (which was done by text because we both abhor the phone), I started by asking “Can we just be friends?” because that really seemed like all we needed to be or had evolutionarily become.  We haven’t texted but a couple of times since, but had a great conversation this week that reminded me why Kindness in dating is so important and I’m pretty sure he would agree.

We were just chatting about his move and both our jobs.  I said something about noticing he hadn’t been blogging as much lately.  He told me the reason why…he had fallen in love with someone, completely surprising him.  I was actually elated at this good news!   So I felt free to share with him about “The Scot” and we both were so very happy for each other. 

The exchange culminated with” Metaphor Man” saying, “You have a spirit that can’t be contained, and never should be.  The Scot is a lucky guy and sounds like a wonderful man to let your spirit burst forth and be nurtured.”  I replied “Angela is a lucky gal to be able to engage you like you describe.  Your mind is so amazing and I think it takes a rare person to keep it stimulated.   I’m so happy for you and encourage you to love her with all of you!”

So that, my friends, is a Springboard.   Metaphor Man and I were just walking up to the springboard together, supporting each other as we dove into what lied ahead…separately .  Actually, it’s has sprung us both towards something even better than we knew could be.  

On being Badass

We probably all define being badass differently...and what would be badass for one person may be a normal everyday occurance to another.  The urban dictionary says "A Badass is A person who defines supreme confidance." 

One thing you should know about me is that I am a calm and serene person…well, when my children allow me to be, anyway.   A couple of months ago, I had an opportunity to be badass.  Well, Okay, I wasn’t badass from the start but I went back to seize my opportunity. 

My daughter asked me to take her to a nearby sporting goods store.  I’d much rather go to Sephora or Ulta, but my naturally beautiful tomboy wouldn’t be caught dead there, unless shopping for me.  So we are at the store and she’s leading me around checking on all the things she wants to see.  We get to the back, near the shoe department and I see an attractive man my age waiting on another customer…he notices me and holds his eye contact a little too long, losing track of what the customer was saying.   Its always a boost seeing that you distract someone.

My daughter and I kept looking around and a couple of minutes later, Sporty comes over to me and asks if we need anything.  I explain that my daughter has money she is desperately trying to find something to spend it on.  We start talking and we talk and talk and talk.  My girl is known as the matchmaker of her school…she’s been this way for ages.  I’ve asked her before why she doesn’t set me and up and she laughs and says “Mom, I couldn’t possibly know any men YOUR age!”  But her skills helped her realize that sporty and I were flirting and hitting it off, so ever the dutiful matchmaker, she tried clothes on and “looked” around for a half hour while we were chatting. 

Finally, when she exasperated her stalling techniques and could waste no more time, we made her purchase and left.  Sporty and I part with a lingering look in each other’s eyes and saying how great it was to chat.  During the course of our chat I found out he hadn’t dated anyone seriously in 8 months, he had two kids in similar age, he was just three years younger than me , this was his second job and he got off in two hours.

As I got in the car I was wishing I had the guts to give a man my number.  I have NEVER done that and I honestly wasn’t even sure how women go about it.  Of course, I wish he had asked for it, too,  but dutifully gave my mind a bunch of reasons why he wouldn’t have asked anyway (he was at work and could get in trouble, he thought it inappropriate in from of my daughter, etc.) 

We ran a couple more errands and I couldn’t stop thinking about wishing I had given him my number.  I told my daughter and she volunteered to go back and give it to him, but I felt that spineless and declined her offer. I went home and thought about it some more.  The clock was ticking away…it was 40 minutes until he got off work and I suddenly found myself back in my car driving to the sporting goods store.

I have to admit I looked good…I had on a hip, purple sweater, dark grey leggings that make my ass look amazing and my high-knee, high-heeled boots.   High heels make me feel strong, invincible, sexy, bad-ass.  I love them!  And I was having a good hair day.  In other words, I was on my a-game!

I grabbed one of my business cards and walked in the door.  It’s a big box store…the shoe department is at the back of the store, down the very long center aisle.  I entered the store, my heels clacking powerfully along.  Sporty was just putting something down, right in the center of the shoe department and looked up and saw me.   He stared a minute, I smiled big, he smiled big and then he came walking towards me until we met.

When we joined up, here’s how it went…

Sporty:  “Did you forget something or did she decide what she wanted?” 

Me:  “I did forget something…and I have never ever done this before, but I forgot to give you my number!”  “I’m at a time in my life where I don’t want to have any regrets and I thought I might if I didn’t give you my number.  Maybe we can grab coffee sometime, if you’d like.”

Sporty:  “I like coffee, that would be nice.”

Sporty:  “I’m Sporty, by the way, your name is Leah (looking at my card?)  It’s been so nice to talk to you today.”

Me: “I felt the same.  So, if you’re interested in talking more, please text or give me a call sometime.”

Sporty: “I will do that!”

Me: “Okay, I look forward to it.  Hope you have a great evening!”

Sporty: “You too!”

And scene….

Only I got to walk powerfully back down that long center aisle while he undoubtedly stared at my ass!  I felt the most exhilarated I’ve felt in the longest time!  And of course, I immediately knew it was blog worthy.  

 And I wished I had been video-taped…I was THAT proud of myself!

Now, the thing about me is that although I felt SO confident, independent for going after what I want, I do like the man to lead in every way.  I’m traditional at the heart…and I have to be the leader of all the other aspects of my life, so its nice to let someone else take this department. 

As it turned out, sporty and I ran into each other a couple days later at a restaurant and spent about 20 minutes chatting.  He texted a couple days later and then a couple weeks after that but by then I had met my current guy and wasn’t interested.  Honestly, after those 20 minutes I realized he was probably too soft for me anyway, but nothing can change anything about how great it felt to be badass! 

Don't Buy the Lie!

If you’ve been divorced (or never married) and are in midlife, male or female, you’ve heard time and time again that you shouldn’t NEED someone in your life.  You are ENOUGH by yourself.  You need to LOVE being single.  You have read articles and list after list of all the reasons why you should be so blessed to be all YOU need in your life! 

No one needs these lists for being coupled.  You don’t have to be told by a thousand experts why you are lucky to be in a healthy, loving relationship.  You don’t have to be told because already know!  No one has to remind you why companionship, affection, acceptance and comfort is good…our whole being…mind, soul, heart and body knows it’s good.    

So why do people work so hard to convince us that being single is the ultimate, and only after you find yourself incidentally single?  Doesn’t society tell us from day one that the ultimate goal is to be married with a white picket fence and 2.2 perfect children, a well-paying job, new cars, enviable vacations and plenty of fabulous friends? 

But the second we find ourselves uncoupled, well, we have to hear endless people, including all the “experts” tell us why we are lucky. Then almost in the same breath, those who care for us pummel us with questions about our status…are you dating?  Are you dating anyone special?  Then when you answer no, you see their disappointed faces and either you tell them some line about why you aren’t looking (even if you are) or they tell you how the world is your oyster and you should be loving it.

It can’t be both ways, folks! 

Now granted, if you’ve been through a midlife divorce, you have undoubtedly had people come out of the woodwork to tell you how much they dislike being married.  Or you can now use your post-divorce-spidey-sense to see that many people really aren’t happy with their relationships despite how happy they make it look on facebook. 

Honestly, it’s the ‘experts’ (who by and large, aren’t even single) that go on and on about how we need to be content with our singleness.  Even in my church-going days, the married women would say…”Once you are content being single is when your husband will come along.”  Really?  No!  This is why the second any of us, male or female, meet someone we have a spark and connection with we turn into mushy teenagers at the speed of lightning! 

We are also urged to appear fierce in our singleness, neglect vulnerability and therefore feel we can’t openly express our very basic God-given need…which is relationship.  And heaven forbid we be real about this common need on a dating profile!  The person of the opposite sex has now been programmed to read that must be needy, clingy, desperate or looking for a sugar daddy if you mention your real desire to find someone.  Um…hello!  Aren’t we on dating websites to find love?  Let’s just agree to be real about THAT little known fact, which by the way, is backed by a two billion industry.  Yeah, those moguls are laughing all the way to the bank at the games we play and the lies we’ve bought into that prevent us from really finding love and keep us coming back for more…because they know unless we change our mindset, we will make the same mistakes time and again. 

Don’t get me wrong…I’m a pretty independent person.  I’m determined, driven when I want to be, intuitive and a great problem solver.  I’m also an introvert by nature (except in the bedroom), a fairly peaceful and quiet person (again, except in the bedroom)…and I NEED and crave alone time (except in the bedroom!)  There are things I enjoy about being single and being free of expectations someone else might put on me.  But what if it brings MORE joy to my life to be able to cook for someone else, to do something loving or sacrificial for the person I care about vs doing that same thing JUST for myself.   What if fulfilling those expectations for someone else, which is the ultimate expression of love, actually makes your life better?

I don’t need a man to complete me.  Nor would I want to be with a man who needed someone to complete him.  I’ve always liked the 1 x 1=1 thinking about couples versus the two halves make a whole.  But I do want to complement him and for him to complement me.  (That’s complement…as in add value to or enhance, but compliments are always great, too!)  I am looking for a man that makes me a better version of myself and I would like to feel I am the same for him.  This, of course, doesn’t mean when I am not dating someone I am a lesser person, either.

What’s wrong with admitting we would like someone to eat dinner with at the end of the day, discuss our happenings, world events and laugh at life’s little mishaps?  What’s wrong with wanting to wake up with someone who doesn’t look their best in the morning?  What’s wrong with knowing your coffee time would be just a little better if you were sitting snuggled close to someone on the couch?  Then there’s knowing that parties are harder to go to alone and having someone to just call or text during the day when it’s a particularly good one or even when it’s not so good, makes the day just a little bit better.  And of course, sex…don’t even TRY to pretend it’s better alone…as I always say…(okay, Marvin Gaye said it first) “Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby!”  And those that would argue no-strings-attached sex is more desirable to sex with a loving partner who you can sexually engage any time you want, I say “Bollocks!”   

So I’m giving myself permission and I’d love for yourself permission, too…sure we can be complete, whole and emotionally stable singletons who aren’t desperate to be completed by some other person.  We can be strong, we can know what we want….and what we want is to find love!  It’s okay to admit it to yourself!  It’s okay to say it out loud!    It’s okay to put on your dating profile!  It’s okay to share with your date!  It’s okay to be who really are, to freely feel and express what you really need…that’s confidence, that’s independence, that’s damn sexy!  

My Year in Review

Being the analytical gal that I am, I like numbers and facts and dates and data.  When it comes to relationships and dating, life is way more subjective than putting together the perfect formula for the man or woman of our dreams and riding off into the sunset.  As I say goodbye to 2013 not having found the love I was looking for, and forge ahead into 2014, I’ve taken an analytical look at my dating stats.

My little black book held 21 first dates this year.  The men have been as different as night and day, from executives to welders to PhDs, from the very attractive to not so much.  Despite their differences, in some ways, these men have been all the same…seems I have a knack for picking the wounded or emotionally unavailable, but I’m getting better!  In my quest to remain open-minded, I have had to cultivate when to say no, this won’t work or when to not grant a date in the first place.  Dating again in this day and age is a whole new learning curve and its okay to keep perfecting (and I use that word loosely) our game plan.

As I made a purposeful decision to throw out the rules to dating, I have learned so much about men and most importantly, me.  My friend Patrick always tells me after a dead-end date…”Just one step closer to the one you are supposed to be with.”  He’s right, you know.  Each date or man has taught me more of what I DO want and I’m getting better identifying the ones who won’t be good for me or to me. 

As you read below, remember, as you chuckle at their nicknames, they are not based solely on that one time meeting alone, but created from my oh-so-scientific-predate-data-gathering!   I want to share my adventures so you can learn along with me…and help you realize after a string of mismatches, there is always a lesson to be learned, my friends.  In no particular order, let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

”No Vibe”…Great conversation, but parted agreeing we weren’t a match.  However, while I imagined he was not sexual at all, I found out later through a text conversation where he was seeking advice, that he’s a crazy freak!  Lesson:  Even the kinkiest guys can be pickup-driving, conservative –hair-styling, buttoned-to-the-collar shirt-wearing wolves in sheep’s clothing.

”Bad-Breaker-Upper”  and I went out with three times.  We had a little chemistry, easy conversation and he wanted to date only one person.  However, he was too sensitive, which became abundantly obvious when I told him I didn’t want to see him again.  Lesson: If he’s more sensitive than a girl, he’s probably going to act like a drama queen when you tell him goodbye!

”Kissy Face” was the best kisser ever until that point and is as crazy about kissing as me.  But something seemed off…I explained it to myself that he’d been a bachelor for 9 years, alone too long.  Now that I’m wiser, I think I was ‘the other woman.”  Lesson:  Don’t make excuses for their lack of availability, odd communication patterns…they are likely hiding something…YOU!  

”Brit 2” was hands-down the most aloof man I’ve met.  During face-to-face time, he was all there.  Although he is very accomplished professionally, think absent-minded professor.  We did have a three hour kiss once that was super amazing…and he taught me about proper English nylons!  Lesson: Enjoy your time together, but aloofness will never leave you satisfied.

”2 Open 2 Soon” was the sexually confused trainwreck in my Sex and the City blog… ‘nuff said!   
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-real-life-episode-of-sex-and-city.html

”Square Peg” was super interesting with a wide range of interests that excited me.  He also shared a d*ck pic with me, unsolicited I assure you, yet had me in awe.  I mean, Ladies, we aren’t visual, but it was actually PRETTY…who knew?  However, we met in person and there was just nothing…it was the shortest date I’ve been on, I was literally watching the clock.  Lesson: Sometimes no matter how good a package looks, there’s just no way it’s worth unwrapping!

”BoyToy” is someone I definitely need to share with y’all.  I needed to focus on other things than finding love, so we agreed to a strictly physical relationship.  Being 12 years younger than I, he was all fun!  Lesson: It’s okay to take breaks on your quest for love…and there’s no shame doing so with a young stallion with unlimited libido and youthful stamina!

”Metaphor Man” was my Catalyst of Vulnerability as I have shared with you here.  I learned so much with him but as an “US”, we weren’t growing together.  Lesson:  Some people are there simply to prepare you for the next person, make your feel beautiful, open your mind to new thought and challenge you.

”Timid Tom” puzzled me…he guided me in purchasing my new car, similar values, decent chemistry and kisses, but he remarked he was intimidated by my confidence.  Lesson: If he has the nerve to tell you he’s afraid, he’s REALLY afraid…put him out of his misery and move on.

”Preppy Playboy” I met in a park for a walk.  He was obviously a professional skirt-chaser who never grew up and likely supported by his parents.  Lesson: Sometimes it just takes a couple of minutes to see obvious flaws…I have enough children to take care of, thank you very much!   

”The Farmer” was sweet and kind, yet despite a farmer’s masculinity, I felt he was just too soft for me.  Lesson: Even though I’m a nice girl looking for a nice guy in this crazy mixed-up world, there is such a thing as TOO nice!

”The VP” a good-looking, middle school vice principal (God bless his soul) who kept trying to convince me he was after more than just sex, which he never got, by the way.  Lesson: When you’re at a school event and your VP is looking important using his smart phone, it's probably not school business, he’s just sexting.

“Creature of the Night” was always just a little too secretive, wouldn’t share a photo, but an amazing communicator so I imagined he was just smart and excentric.  I was wrong!  He was awkward and socially creepy.  Lesson:  Some things are left better in the dark.

“The One who Ran Away” seemed like the love I had always wanted which induced a whirlwind romance.  He professed his love to me quite quickly, was planning our future lives together and then just disappeared.  No warning.  No explanation.  No disagreements.  He just left me a heart full of confusion and hurt.  Finally, FOUR months later, he had decided he wasn’t good enough for me. Lesson:  If they run right into your life, they might just run right out.  Going forward, I shall still be free to run, but I’ll wear high heels to slow down our pace.

“Dead Head” is named that because he has a very unusual career.  This was a set up/blind date, but He is younger without comparable life experience.   He did keep asking to be an FWB, but I was looking for a more, and not with him.  Lesson: Don’t settle for what you’re NOT looking for no matter how horny you might be!

“Turnip Truck” was FRESH off the marriage truck which I purposefully avoid.  He seemed harmless and a little lost so I agreed to meet.  I felt zero attraction in person and he kept telling me how disappointed he was that I would not grant him his first post-divorce kiss.  Lesson: Just say no to Rescue Dating!

“Fast Forward” and I met online one day and in person two days later for coffee.  He was instantly touchy-feely in the middle of Starbucks and planning our kids meeting.  Um, word to the men, never ever talk about meeting family on a first date…it freaks us out and keep your touching in check!  Lesson: Always meet in public places…I shudder to think if it had been more private.

“McDreamy” you met in “Exquisite Torture.”  The lesson remains, even torture is worthwhile sometimes.
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/exquisite-torture-continued-from-over.html

“Good on Paper” is the man in this blog (http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-kind-of-man-is-he.html) and the lesson is one we can take from Latino culture.  They have a saying “Uno beso dice todo” which means “One kiss tells all”…and that my friends, is why if there any possibility of a second date by the end of a first one, go ahead and kiss him!

“Smarmy Guy” contacted me through a meetup group we were in and asked about a local bar.  It ended with us meeting at one the following day.  He was hilarious while he entertained everyone sitting near us at the bar…I hadn’t laughed that hard in ages.  In that situation, I couldn’t get a read on him, except I told him I thought he was just looking for a hookup.   A week later he texted me and asked me to watch him pleasure himself via skype.  Lesson:  Some dates ONLY make for good blogging…and yes, I admit to embracing some things purely for blog fodder!

That, my friends is my list, well, except for number 21.  He’s my happy little secret for now, but you’ll meet him eventually!  I’ll give you a little hint…he’s from the UK, but of a different flavor than my others.

 All of my dating has taught me so many wonderful things!  I have met some truly amazing men…just not the man I am to love.  I enjoy sharing my stories with you, but have many more to elaborate on.  Tell me in the comments which characters do you want to hear about next!   May we all continue to learn lessons as we search for our love in 2014, each step bringing up closer to the love our heart desires.  May we find just what we are looking for…no, scratch that…May we find a love that is above and beyond our wildest dreams! 

The Discipline of Vulnerability

About a month ago I decided to go back online on my quest to find someone special. I have to say, I really don’t like online dating sites…I feel too often every profile looks the same. Sure, the individual men look different, bad pictures and all, but when you start reading the profiles there's an obvious and frequent lack of substance. Eventually everyone sounds the same…”I am looking for a girl who can feel comfortable in jeans and ball cap but wear high heels for a night on the town. I love the outdoors and camping and blah and blah and blah.” Most of these guys haven’t been camping since 1987!

I hadn’t been on a dating site since March, but soon enough, my phone was blowing up with messages from the site. However, the authenticity I both offer and desire from a match seemed nowhere to be found. Message after message didn’t have more originality than “Hi” or “Hi Sexy” or “You’re Hot!” Punctuation excluded.  But I happened upon a profile with an intriguing name and was instantly intrigued because this man was actually original, transparent and owned his shit. In fact, he had a long list of his lesser qualities which he just owned up to right in his profile. Most women would instantly be turned off by that…not necessarily because his list of faults were shocking but because how many people really do want someone being real with them when they seem convinced they have to polish up their own image in order to find the right person? I venture to say if you could get daters to give you the unadulterated truth, they would say they are looking for perfection, all the while forgetting how imperfect they are themselves.

"Mr Metaphor" was transparent from the start. In fact, he is also a writer and put a link to his site right in his dating profile…how refreshing! Really, him owning all of his shit right there from the start hit my first button. Being that he was a blog writer and loved to discuss theology without being religious, hit my next buttons. I sent him a message offering him a theological discussion and promising I wasn't a Bible thumper. It’s the only message I initiated. He replied back in short order and we began messaging back and forth that Friday night. By Saturday morning, I gave him my phone number and haven’t been back to the dating site since.

All day and evening on Saturday we texted up a storm…he was engaging, open, challenging and not so quick to get to the topic of sex like most men. Don't get me wrong, There was flirting and some banter, but also such probing questions that we ended up skipping over all the general ones you ask first…in fact, I’m still not sure we’ve covered all of those. Saturday night we talked on the phone for over an hour, (he has a great voice) we both admittedly hate being on the phone, yet still managed to have a good conversation absent of those awkward pregnant pauses I hate. We said goodnight and I was feeling excited but also thinking there was no way I could find someone that I clicked with after only a couple of hours being back on a dating site. He called it "Potentially once-in-a-lifetime."

It just so happened that the next day he was leaving town for 2.5 weeks. Before getting back online, I had been doing some heavy duty coaching with myself that I was not going to get sucked into playing a bunch of games. I was going to try really hard to embrace what came my way by abandoning pretense and also staying true to my number one mantra...that all of my dating experiences, teach me something positive or at the very least, make for good blogging!

So I invited him over. To my apartment. I realized I had a few hours home alone, (which hardly ever happens on a weekend). I never do that. I was motivated to do so because I didn't want to talk for three weeks really like him, only to find out that there was no spark in person. I've been there and done that and am trying hard not to start that tshirt collection.

I had read some of his blog and let him read mine…however, since my blog is all about dating, I sorta gave him a cheat sheet inside my brain. He knew the "first date, first base" rule from reading here. He knew all my little tricks should I suddenly put gum in my mouth or grab my purse. But he asked me something before he arrived and again when he got here. Would I be willing to take off my brakes? I love learning about myself and others…and honestly, I love being pushed just a little out past my limits. Mr Metaphor is very intuitive so I’m sure he surmised this about me.

Plenty of chemistry, connection, passion or whatever you like to call it had been building because I was so attracted to his mind. He walked in the door and he kissed me. Right then…”Hello” and then we shared not a peck, but a deep and telling kiss. Inwardly I was thinking…”well, that’s a new experience!” We sat down, we talked, we found ourselves laying in bed talking, still clothed but slowly, I was throwing off the brakes, er rules, that had so carefully been placed around me in my attempts to hide my fears and keep my heart safe. Somehow, for a reason I can’t possibly explain to even myself, he made me feel safe. He was transparent in so many ways, it was damn sexy to the point of almost being erotic to me...and how freeing to not have to play by rules! He asked me for honesty, transparency, openness, authenticity and yes, vulnerability. I know you are thinking he didn’t have the right to ask me this…he surely hadn’t known me long enough to earn it. But, if I strive to be honest, transparent, open, authentic and vulnerable in every other aspect of my life, why would I treat dating and my attempts at finding someone special any different at all.

A lot of people can’t handle someone as open as me…I’ve even had good friends tell me it was too much for them and pull away. So trying to hide behind “the rules” or the carefully crafted boundaries and safety nets I had been convinced I needed was really betraying my authentic self. While by virtue of time alone, maybe Mr Metaphor man hadn’t "earned" those things, however by his simple invitation to be who I really am, without judgment or expectations, without him gawking at my exposure and exploiting it, he had earned my trust.

I continued to take another journey with him that day as I let him see my nakedness, both figuratively and literally. The lights were on, there was no where to hide really, so I embraced his acceptance and his reminders when I unknowingly started to recoil. As he worshiped my body, as only he could (see "Ode to a Leg man"), and as he enhanced the freedom I so longed for in my heart and soul, I found a release. It was embarking on yet another transformation on this journey of mine. It was a new reality I so desperately longed for and I know few men can embrace a woman with this sort of freedom.

Over a week later we were actually talking about freedom via text…Mr Metaphor was out of town but we were heavy in deep discussion and a thorough mindfuck.  He said that the reason he felt free enough to kiss me the second he saw me in person was because of his own freedom. He went on to explain freedom is a life that is authentic and seeks to benefit others and he did it for me, for us. He’s been very liberating for me. He's so very special. He's a beautiful gift. One that keeps giving because a couple of nights ago, there was more intense discipline of vulnerability....

(to be continued tomorrow)

Skin on Skin

Ah…is there anything better?  I’m not even talking about the sensation of purely sexual contact but more full body embraces, cuddles, hugs, spooning.  Ah!

I think one of things I miss most about being single is the lack of hugs, little touches and of course, kisses.  Don’t get me wrong, there was none of that for the last few years of my marriage aside from my ex-husbands’ obligatory kiss on the cheek when he left for work, which eventually irritated me.  And even one thing I admittedly miss about church is all of the hugging that goes on.  I do still get some daily hugs since I am fortunate that at least my youngest kiddo hasn’t gotten to the “it’s not cool to hug mom at this age” stage, but while kid and friend touch feels amazing, it is still vastly different from the touch of a man.    

I find deep hugs, smoldering kisses and full body embraces far more intimate that just the act of sex itself and possibly more satisfying.  Both Tantric sex and the practices of the Kama Sutra include this as part of their instructions because it increases arousal, desire and intimacy.  They include this sort of touch both before and after the act of intercourse itself, sign me up!  Skin on Skin hugging could easily become my drug of choice…I might even give up my current one for it…coffee. 

On a scientific level, hugging releases oxytocin and is nicknamed “the most amazing molecule in the world” and the “love molecule.”   Oxytocin can be released through hugging, hand-shaking, bodily contact of any kind and it floods our bodies during orgasm.  Do you know what amazing things it can do for us?  It is a diet aid, antidepressant, reduces stress by reducing cortisol and blood pressure, as well as decreases pain.  It is shown to improve several functions of the GI tract and increases digestion.  It also helps women during Labor and Delivery and is released during breast feeding.  Emotionally, it induces optimism, increases self-esteem, builds trust and decreases social anxiety. 

In reference to partners, It increases the desire for couples to gaze at each other (that would explain a LOT), creates arousal and maintains erections.  It’s like the sexual aid that keeps on giving back to itself.  One of the most interesting studies they’ve done on Oxytocin is that it increases generosity…by up to 80%!  They were referring to generosity of material things or giving someone a helping hand, but back to my definition of great love and sex as defined by both submitting to each other, a different act of generosity, isn’t oxytocin bound to make us better lovers and better people?  It all comes full circle.  One article I read said it makes us human.

For me, lying naked in the arms of a special man, embracing so completely you can’t get enough of him, feeling his warm breath in my ear, being together in the most vulnerable way possible…skin on skin… is both simply and breathtakingly beautiful.  It brings fulfilling joy that very well might make me become addicted to skin on skin. 

Fire the Reporters!

Fire the reporters

I think we should fire the reporters!   In this case, the reporters live within us and they are the ones who tell us stories about ourselves.  Almost always, these reporters do not base their stories on facts or science or ‘what is”. 

These reporters have concocted a variable cornucopia of fictional work against us, from the silly and mundane to the serious stuff we don’t tell anyone we hear as we lay our head on our pillow each night. 

Some of these stories stem from things our parents told us.  My mother was quite overweight, I struggled with my weight too, but my mom told me three things that still stick with me to this day, even though I know they are not factual or even thought by others to be true.  She said “Fat girls don’t wear white.  Fat girls don’t wear Red.  Fat girls don’t wear belts.”  You won’t find anything in my closet white or red, although I have been known to own red lingerie, and I’ve probably worn a belt less than 20 times in my life.  I know what my sweet mom said wasn’t true, just like I know she never meant any lifelong psychological damage by it.  But these are the early stories we are told and continue to tell ourselves.  Maybe it wasn’t just your upbringing, maybe it was your ex-spouse too.  When your house is not clean enough, do you still hear his words in your own voice in your head?  Or when the bank account is slim, you still hear her words in your voice complaining about your career choices?    

These stories also permeate our post-divorce and dating life too.  How many times have my single gal pals sent me a text on a lonely night and said “I’m a loser!” I’ll admit that I’ve let that thought cross my mind myself.  But here’s the truth:I can attest that my friends are most certainly not losers, instead they are smart, beautiful, confident women who would be great catches for the right men…it’s just the MATCHING of the men that is the challenge, not my amazing friends or men they meet on the search.   Well, mostly.

Maybe this will ring a bell…we don’t get a second date with someone we actually liked.  Instead of looking at the true facts of the matter, those reporters start firing up story after story and almost always, we are the exposed celebrity.  For women, it goes something like this “I’m not pretty enough, I’m too fat, My boobs are too small, My butt is too big, I’m too needy, I’m too nice”…well, you get the picture.  Men have this similar stories under the same circumstances and it goes like this, “I don’t make enough money, My car is too old, my arms are not muscular enough, I’m not a good conversationalist, My *package* is not big enough, I’m too nice.”  In reality, it’s probably not any of those things…it’s just that one of you felt that thing we are all looking for was not there…spark!   We all know that you can’t manufacture spark or cause it to not be there.   I have really liked some dates in the time we talked before we met and then nothing…and it’s painful for me when the spark isn’t there, but it’s not personal.

So let’s try something…when the reporters start talking in your ear, let’s talk back louder! 

When they say you aren’t good enough at your job, or as a provider, take time to remind yourself of the truth…what work you contribute to your workplace is important and your income is providing a whole list of things for you and possibly, others.

When the reporters try to convince you that you aren’t being a good parent because you didn’t buy your child the latest and greatest new thing, or you let them stay up late on a school night or eat an extra cookie, take time to remind you of your truth…they have all their NEEDS met, you’re a good parent because you love your child like no one else can.

When you put your foot in your mouth while talking to a friend and the reporters start telling you all the reasons you don’t deserve friends or forgiveness…tell yourself the truth of what a great friend you can be and that your heart was not to hurt them and forgive yourself.

And finally, when your phone is far too quiet and loneliness sneaks in, send those damn reporters packing and remind yourself of what IS in your life.  I bet if you were on the outside looking in, you wouldn’t even hear those reporters because everyone else knows what a great person you are and how much people adore you. 

Singleness can be tough when you’re lonely.  Midlife can be such a time of self-discovery and change.  Put the two together and sometimes it takes constant awareness to remind yourself that you matter, that you’re amazing, that you will find love again, that the days ahead can be filled with overwhelming gifts you haven’t even thought of yet.  Just don’t let it be filled with those noisy tabloid reporters!

Just crawl

About a month ago a friend and I were discussing an article called "Four pieces of sex advice from a 98 year old woman."  And if you didn't guess already, yes, I want to be her when I grow up!  She has some frank wisdom, especially the last two pieces of advice and you can read them for yourself, here...

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/17/sex-advice-98-year-old-woman_n_3940366.html?ir=Divorce

 As we were discussing the article via email, I described my thoughts like this:

"To me great love and great sex both are about constantly submitting to the other persons’ wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well."

 This sounds so simple, both in sex and life/love, so why is it so difficult to put into practice?  I think if many people were honest, they would look and see that they are often self-serving in the beginnings of their friendships and relationships.  How many times have we been told that we should be asking “What’s in it for me?”  Then there are some people who only give so that they will receive...they totally miss being able to experience the joy within the act of sacrifice.  I would ask what do you have to offer?  What are you putting in?  What are you willing to put in?  Are you attempting to surrender yourself in a loving way?  Surely we have to be wise in whom we can trust, but you also have to have an attitude that ceases looking for problems.   It’s also common, especially with online dating and seemingly countless choices, it’s easy to get distracted by the next shiny object before you’ve let anything develop with the person you’re currently interested in.

Mrs. J, my therapist, told me she sees it time and time again …people quit a relationship before it ever really starts because of some stupid, insignificant reason!   I know we all have this unspoken list of deal-breakers whether we want to admit it or not!  I once talked to a man I enjoyed for weeks before we met in person and I thought we were going to hit it off well.  I had seen his shaded glasses in pictures before meeting but convinced myself his glasses were not HIM and I was being petty.  However when we met, the glasses reminded me of the ones pedophiles on news stories have worn in mugshots…I felt terrible, but I just couldn’t get past it.  Despite being very disappointed, I had to realize I was shallow but I know we all have those triggers.   

We also search for perfection, but let’s face it, we should know by now that we are all flawed.   Galway Kinnel said “Let our scars fall in love.”  I’ve always said this…”we all have flaws, you just have to find a particular set of flaws you can live with!”  Flaws can be really beautiful, actually, so give them a chance.  They make us unique, they are created by our experiences, both good and bad, they make us real.  If we are really seeking something authentic, we have to decide how many of those silly deal-breakers really matter in the grand scheme of life and throw out our rules in order to be fully in the moment.  There’s always going to be a certain level of risk…but the old saying is true, “nothing ventured, nothing gained!” 

From the book I am reading, “If the Buddha dated” she likes to use the phrase “crawling in love” versus “falling in love” which makes me envision a warm, cozy and safe place that I find comforting.   I love the way the author puts it:

“Crawling in love is different from falling in love, or in lust, because you stay connected to your intelligence.”   “When we craw in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting because our bond is based on a wide array of experiences, time together, familiarity, and the ability to talk over conflict.  Sex and love will flourish alongside the rich, warm feeling that comes from an enduring bond where people dwell in each other’s hearts.”

Is this a set of rules?  I think not, but I do believe its sound advice.  Acting upon it, however, requires me to attack my own thoughts, abandon rules and pretense, be aware of my insecurities,  be mindful of ‘what is’, stay connected to my intelligence, enjoy making sacrifices, let feelings flourish and just crawl.  

Throwing out "The Rules"

Anyone up for a bonfire?   Let's burn some rules, kick it old-school like in the 60s!  No, I’m not ready to get rid of the tools in my midlife dating toolbox, but I am embracing the need to get rid of "the rules". 

If you’ve been in the midlife dating game for very long and are a seeker of information like me, then you have read articles, maybe books too and searched online forums to find out what the hell we are all supposed to be doing.  Being that understanding the opposite sex is an age-old problem, even once you got past the whole “How do I get back out there?” question, you then have the “What did he really mean when he did or said X, Y and Z?”  Or for you male readers, “What is it she really wants from me?” 

In my online digging, I’ve unfortunately found that most advice is something that, at my inner core, goes totally against my gut.  I’m an open book, I mean, I’m the gal who will tell the lady checking me out at the register at Target anything about myself if its topical.  I am who I am, most of the time, or at least that is always my goal.  But since dating after divorce, I’ve found I occasionally have some insecurities that link me back to my days in college where I wonder incessantly what is really going on with my ‘crush’.  Of course, my goals were different then, but that may or may not matter in the grand scheme of things.  Lets be honest, no matter your age there’s nothing like the excitement of someone new to make you realize you can easily be turned into a horny and emotional teenager again.

Some of the icky things you will find if you go hunting are websites purely devoted to teaching men how to be pick-up artists and books telling women they will never get and keep a man if they aren’t a bitch to him, supposedly turning men into a mold-able pile of goo to do whatever you desire.   On top of that, there’s a whole system of who is the 1+ and the -1, which is a precarious balance of trying to make sure you are always the “One up” so you have the “one down” exactly where you want them.  Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 

I even was part of an online dating forum for mid-lifers that I stumbled upon when my short-but-too-serious-too-fast quasi-relationship started to end and I needed some male perspective.   Yes, I definitely found the advice there helpful as I began to really get some sea legs in the dating pond, but sometimes the advice was really bad.   Over time, though, I began to realize that the members there were a very specific and narrow-minded microcosm and being an open-minded gal,  I needed a much broader perspective.  There was a lot of talk about the above tactics, as well as, narrow thinking of who you had to be to attract the type of person you should be with.

The other night I was at a meetup group event.  The men and women ranged from late 20s to early 50s, most single, but a few married people too.  There was a subset of women huddling together throughout the night talking about their latest guy drama.  Ever the midlife-dating sociology student, the whole exchange intrigued me greatly.  If I had to wrap it all up, there were a few women who had given the man in question their “goodies” and then it all changed.  It didn’t matter how long they dated before the goodies were given, the results seemed to be the same …they weren’t texting, they weren’t calling so the women were doing what we do…over-analyzing every freaking possibility known to man.  When the men were brought into the conversation for advice, they said “sex is just sex to men” but there is something about the dynamics changing once that tension is relieved, the hunter has had his kill, (no matter how many more times he wants it again) that usher in a whole new set of complex rules!  

But what would happen if we threw all of those rules out?  What if we texted when we wanted to text (so long you aren’t texting at the rate of him needing to take out a restraining order)…or what if we said what we really felt or did what we really wanted?   Not in a selfish way, because when someone asked me for a definition about a month ago of both great love and amazing sex, I said “both are about constantly submitting to the other persons wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well.”

I guess we need to ask ourselves “Why date?  What is our goal?’  I would respond to that question different ways at different times over the past year and a half, as I’ve had different needs along the way.  However, my first answer is usually “I anticipate the joy of loving someone!”  And, I want to be loved too.  I’m pretty simple at the base as I care nothing about being wined and dined or traveling the world…I just want someone to sit with me on a quiet morning drinking coffee, to take a long walk with, share deep talks with, having rocking sex with, but mostly BE KNOWN.    

So why do we buy into all the trappings, ie rules of modern dating?  

   *You can’t say what you really feel until a certain amount of time has passed.  

     *You can’t be the first to text.  

        *You can’t ask a man out.  

           *You can’t let them meet your kids until one thing or the other happens.  

               *You can’t let them think you like them more than they like you.  

On and on and on the list goes, and that’s before you get to all of the rules surrounding proclamation of the “L word!”

Read this quote from the book, "If the Buddha Dated":

“Our longing is also our desire to be known completely.  Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you.  Imagine being able to do the same.  That is the potential of a conscious relationship.”

Wow!  Who doesn’t want that? 

So friends, anyone want to join me in a bonfire?  I’m making a conscious effort to throw all of “the rules”…It's a good thing my trash runs in a few hours because I'm pretty sure bonfires at my apartment building are against "the rules"! 

I must be okay!

I must be okay...

 

Sorry about my absence, dear readers, I was in the midst of a move and without any strong and sexy men to help me...timing sucks!  Anyway, my mind has been reeling in a million directions and I'm struggling to find my quiet place, listen to my thoughts and find the brain space to write.  For someone like me, I must write and it gnaws at me until I do.  For years I sent out emails to hundred of subscribers that almost always were preempted by stress and therefore my therapy.  There have been crazy, stressful, emotional days that I felt like I needed to run to the nearest computer, where I couldn't type fast enough.

 

Thankfully, through the magic of divorce, time, and a multitude of other changes, my life is much less stressful these days.  Sure, I have single mom stress, running a household stress, career related stress but most days, most days its a peacefully managed chaos.  Okay, except those days I am wonderfully distracted by boys, (yes I am still that 15 year old girls sometimes), and wondering if he will text, call, ask me out and did he like me really or not? 

 

I think I've mentioned before I started going to therapy this summer.  I find no condemnation in this...if I had a mom I probably wouldn't need therapy, but basically, I need a slightly older woman to listen to me and relay her perspective back to me.  My best friend is great at that, but sometimes it nice to have someone totally unbiased to do it, so yes, some days I feel like I am paying for a big sister, but I'm embracing it! 

 

Although Mrs J is a therapist by profession, we aren't really doing any modules of "therapy".  I've long pondered if she ever sits down and wonders "why is she here?"  Not because I'm overly confident in my psychological soundness...I have plenty of flaws, but I do happen to know I am fairly analytical and have good self-reflective skills which is often not the case with other patients.  I guess she really is part of my dating life, because at this point, I know what I want and I know she will tell me if I am heading down a path different from what I have told her.  Because I have screwed up boundaries with friends, I want her to police me in making sure I don't make the same mistakes with men.  So that's her role, besides being my older, calmer sister-for-hire.

 

Mrs J and my gal pal in New Zealand are really the ones who encouraged this blog.  Almost every week Mrs J tells me "You really need to write a book!"  I finally asked her a month or so ago if she told all her patients that, assuming she hears a lot of great stories on that couch, but she assured me I was only the third person she had told.

 

Mrs J is a pretty, southern conservative, church going, husband adoring, super mom and giving midlifer who

probably is often shocked about some of the stories I share with her, which of course I am sharing with you (there are more to come, be assured.)    Today, we were talking about dating and I was relaying the two questions men try to ask before even meeting that always surprise me.  (Hints...one is about grooming, the other is about back door play.) She was telling me I would make a great sex therapist because I am rarely shocked.  I am having a little career crisis and she's always trying to figure out advice for that, this is her latest, and she mentioned the book again.  I probably would make a damn good sex therapist...great idea Mrs J.  She is never judgmental about my particular love of sex and how open I am, really about everything in my life.  She doesn't over-psychoanalyze my childhood or my past choices in life.  I would be fine with her doing so if she felt the need, by the way.

 

We continued talking and at one point she said to me "Leah, you have taught me SO much!  In fact, I feel bad filing your insurance."  She went on to explain that so many women she sees in my stage of life aren't nearly as open as I am and so she doesn't have to read between my lines, which will help her in the future with others.  I get that open thing a lot.  I love that I'm so open but I also worry not everyone finds its so endearing, or a positive attribute, but I'm taking this as a seal of approval.  After all, if Mrs J says I'm okay and that's good enough for me. 

 

 

Pen-pals from across the pond

Pen-pals from across the pond 

It started innocently…I was trying to get through having my heart a little broken and wasn’t quite ready to go out and date a lot even though I am really looking for a full blown relationship. So I thought it might be fun to place an ad for a pen-pal in London.   I don’t know why I can talk to Englishmen so easily about most anything, but it just is.  Granted, there are some American men that I can do this with, but they seem to be needles in haystacks and who has the time for that when you know you have Brits just waiting to send emails?

The ad read something like this:

“I am looking for an email friend only. I am an American southern belle who has previously dated a couple of expats. I find they really know how to speak to a woman's mind and I miss the type of great conversations I've had with them.   I'm a divorced business owner and mom and enjoy talking about any and everything. I even like it when someone thinks the opposite of the way I do bc that is how I learn.

So if you want some quality conversation, fun banter and a friend, please reply.

Put your favorite drink in the title.”

I got a bunch of replies, but eventually it was weeding down to three, then two.  One was a slightly older gentleman who truly makes a great, platonic pen-pal from another country. I will call him “dear John” as he is sending me long and copious emails each day, detailing the current happenings in the UK, whilst giving me history behind so many things.  He’s a lawyer, an avid photographer and cleverly includes all sorts of links and pictures for me to learn more.  Sometimes the emails are quite long, given my much shorter replies, but for me but they are fun because he puts so much into them. 

The other man I continued to chat with, I will call him “McDreamy”…if Grey’s Anatomy can have one damn it, I can too.  Boy was he dreamy…absolutely gorgeous, especially for a British man, and quite successful too.  We sent a few emails back and forth before exchanging pictures and I honestly thought he was too good-looking to be real, so the picture must be a fake…hey, I watch “Catfish!” 

After another few emails, he stated that he was coming to my state soon for a conference and was it near where I lived.  Turned out it was just an hour away.  At this point, I was still fairly certain he was not who he said he was, but we continued to chat about life, work and then, my favorite subject, sex.  I will admit it wasn’t long before our emails got quite steamy. 

With the time difference, both Dear John and McDreamy had a typical pattern to when they would email, but my favorite time started being 3:30pm when I knew McDreamy would start emailing me for the rest of his night.  Before the end of the our time together that day, we would find ourselves in a highly aroused state and I think we both enjoyed this element between us. Okay, I have proof we did.

Now, when I ran this ad, I entertained no thoughts of actually meeting anyone from the ad unless some year I decided to conquer my dislike of long flights and fly across the pond to fully immerse myself in Englishman bliss! But as McDreamy and I continued to email knowing he was soon visiting my state, it meant that I could further my “purely academic” research on my chemistry with Brits.  But I was also more nervous than even when I’ve meet online American men.  I guess feeling more removed (proximity wise) I wasn’t sure I could read how sincere he was, if he was a con artist, if he was just after sex, if he had a girl in every city he traveled to and finally, if that picture of this beautiful man was actually a picture of the McDreamy I was getting to know through email. 

Thanks to watching a lot of the ways Nev and Max check people out on Catfish, I did a google image search.  I found another picture of the same gorgeous man to what seemed like a legitmate twitter account with a first and last name.  I googled his full name (which I did not know at that point) and found his LinkedIn account. Ding-ding….my favorite form of online positive ID!   

He had a very impressive resume and I told myself this was still too good to be true.  LinkedIn has a feature where you can see who has viewed your profile and I noticed he had looked at mine too. However, because he didn't mention my savvy detective skills, I convinced myself there was a strange man in London who clicked on my profile, puzzled that a girl in the US, in a completely unrelated line of work had been viewing his profile. In fact, I even tried to trick McDreamy into taking a pic of himself during our regular chat during his lunch time. I explained how I loved  a man in a suit and asked for a snapshot so I could see a spur of the moment pic and if it was really him.  He resisted several times but when I pushed, he said “you’ve already seen me in a suit today…on LinkedIn!” 

Did I win the Englishman pen-pal lottery? Was there such a thing and I was unaware? Oh there really should be a lottery like that…I’d go poor buying up tickets!

Was he really McDreamy in person?  To find out, read tomorrow’s blog...

My real-life episode of Sex and the City

This experience could totally be an episode of Sex in the City.  It was one of those times that you are scrolling an inner dialog thinking, “Did this just really happen, or have I been slipped a mickey and imagined it all?”

For whatever reason, I tend to attract and get on well with British men, my BFF says I’m a Brit magnet.  My own theory is because they know HOW, and more importantly, WANT to get to know a woman’s mind.  Or at least find out what you really think about things and then say great lines like “You have a brilliant mind!”  Hey, it works on me.  I find most American men don’t care at all what we think and it drives me crazy.  If I could find a way to only date expats I would be a happy girl, no not because of the accent, but let’s be honest, it is definitely a bonus!

I happened upon “Brit2” online.  We actually had sent long and frequent emails and texts off and on for weeks.  He was more reserved as all Englishmen are,  and therefore took his time before setting up a lunch.  (I now have my own policy not to talk to anyone longer than two weeks online before meeting in person, but hey, I was still a rookie.)    He, like catalyst, requested we not exchange photos, which on the upside makes you feel like a kid on Christmas morning when you are about to meet. 

I asked him to meet me at my Indian restaurant for lunch.  He was extremely laid back, very British-looking, very interesting to chat with and we were having a brilliant time.  He suavely came over to my side of the booth and sat next to me and that’s when I started feeling sparks. 

Unfortunately, I had an appointment with my trainer about an hour and a half after we met so there wasn’t a chance to linger.  However, he did a very sweet thing, followed me to the gym and then we talked and kissed in the parking lot for a couple of minutes and went our separate ways.  Overall, I felt we had a very good date and I was looking forward to seeing and kissing him again.

We texted more that day but I actually had a dinner date too.  My dinner date, who I will call Mr Green, had met online just a couple of days before.  He had been honest enough to tell me he hadn’t quite left his wife yet and seemed to be a big mess.  Call me a softie but I remember feeling helpless at first so I offered to meet him for dinner, but made it very clear I was just paying it forward and wasn’t interested in anything more than being his friend.  He agreed and then picked a very nice restaurant for us, actually.

Honestly, I let him do most of the talking.  And boy did he spill his guts, including telling me he had barely had any sex in 15 years because he couldn’t get it up because he might be attracted to men and was confused.  This was a little more than I bargained for...this man didn’t need a friend, he needed a therapist!

My safety friend checked in and I replied “I’m fine…he’s harmless.”

We were about an hour into it when I say “I really wanted to go ahead and meet you b/c someone paid it forward to me, he was my catalyst and I want to be able to do the same for other people.”   Then I happen to mention right after that my Catalyst was British and he immediately hops on it and it says “Your British friend doesn’t happen to be named ‘*******’ does it?  He’s in a science occupation and lives in a xyz town?”  He perfectly described Brit2…my lunch date!

I’m an open book, an honest gal, as real as they come so I replied, “No, catalyst name is ****, but I had lunch with ****** earlier today!”  I sat there, mouth gaping at how odd this was turning out to be…I mean I was already inwardly gasping at all the crazy personal sexual stuff he shared and now this!

Mr Green then says “Oh, well my wife had a fling with him {Brit2} years ago!”  Then he went on to tell me details of that and he and his wife’s situation and that she also might be gay.  I’m not a judgmental person…the only time I tend to have opinions is when people won’t just be who they are and own up to their flaws and mistakes. 

Shortly after this, he went to the restroom, during which time I did what ANY girl would do…I texted my two best girlfriends and said “Meet me for coffee at 8:45…I am having the craziest experience and will ONLY tell you in person!  You are NOT going to believe it!”

We ended the date and Mr Green wanted to know what I was going to do about Brit2.  I said I wasn’t sure yet, but told him I would not tell Brit2 any of what he told me. 

So I sped to where both the gals were waiting for me with coffee.  I was about to burst because I wanted to laugh and roll my eyes at myself.  We get through the preliminary hi’s and they had all kinds of grand ideas about what I had to tell them but of course, who the hell could guess the truth?

I start relaying the story of the date and then I said “And then he tells me that Brit2 and his wife had an affair years ago!”  They gasped and then guffawed!  This could only happen to me.  What are the fucking chances that I could meet two men in the same day, from two different dating sites, and end up going out with men who had that kind of coincidence?  Life is stranger than fiction.

As we sipped our coffee and ate our blackberry cobbler while laughing at my day, that’s when I knew I was in my very own episode of sex and the city, only I was wearing slightly more comfortable shoes.  

What kind of man is he?

Most of my post-divorce dating experience has been a result of online dating.  Generally, I will talk to a man 5-10 days before we meet in person.  I figure if we still are finding things to talk about after texting that long, we should meet because I hate dragging it out.  Once we’ve talked a while and flirted a bit via text or email, one of my favorite questions to ask men is, “Are you a leg man, breast man or ass man?” 

Worst answer?  “I like it all!”  I call them on it right then and tell them it’s a cop-out and they need to give me a REAL answer.  If they say they don’t know, that tells me they might not be very sexual or might be too passive for me in bed.  I love a man with a ‘quick’ answer and ass-men always know!  If they still can’t tell me (chances are they're a breast man), then I ask them to put them in order of preference, but they still lose points with me. 

I’m about to sound narrow-minded but bear with me.  Breast men are the worst…for me anyway.  I’m sure there’s plenty of gals who love a good breast man, but he does nothing for me.  Don’t get me wrong…I have ample breasts…its not at all that I worry they won’t like the size of mine, they will.   It’s not that I don’t like to have them loved on and appreciated, I do.  It’s that Breast men just come off as either make-out-aggressive or immature (dare I say childlike), not to mention of course, that we've all know those men who have trouble making continuous eye-contact.  "Eyes are UP here, dude!" 

I get why men like them…they’re beautiful.  I think both women and men can appreciate breasts for the way they look, not solely their function alone.  Some women choose to have their bodies mutilated just so they can have perfect ones…they’re important to a lot of folks.  Men don’t have any body part comparatively so I understand why they find them intriguing and desirable.  I get it. 

Since I’ve been dating, I’ve asked just about every man this question at some point.  I generally end up with ass men maybe because they are take charge.  However, two of my British guys have been leg men , so I’m not sure if what I love about the way they are with me physically is because they are leg men or because they are British.  I realize the cultural influence might skew my informal research project, so you can take that for what it’s worth.  (Edited to add: read Ode to a Leg Man-- I've expanded my research.)

I love ass men…they know what they want in bed and aren’t afraid to take it.  They are good to their woman and want to please her, but they lead and have a level of confidence I find damn sexy.   When you need a good, crazy roll in the hay, an ass man will give it to you good!  And I love Leg men, too, because they are highly skilled, slow, take time to enjoy every minute, it’s almost relaxing to be with them because they are never, ever in a hurry!  Honestly, I’ve let a couple of breast men slip through, when I wasn't as in tune with this info as I am now, but they are very centered on their own pleasure and its all about what you are going to do for them.  They approach my boobs like a sugar addict in a candy store, it ends up feeling creepy to me.   And what's up with breast men handling them completely different than their non-breast-men counterparts?  

Last night I was on a date with a breast man.  He was a nice guy, very into being a father (which I find sexy), good job, nice car, didn’t text me to death, called me to ask me out instead of asking via text and we talked for two hours, everything looked good.  Except during our phone call he said he was a breast man.  I told him I didn’t generally get on with breast men but I was looking for a man that could change my mind.  I really am open-minded that way.

The date was going fantastic…nice chemistry…touching each other’s hands while we talked…great eye contact…laughing…good food…very positive all around.  He asked me on a second date before paying the check, which I gladly accepted.  We went for a walk outside after to a nice area with park benches. 

Then he kissed me.  Then everything I felt before dissolved like a vapor.  It wasn’t just that he did that awful twirly-tongue thing, or that he really didn’t need me because his tongue was going so fast, I’m not even sure he knew I was there or not.  And it wasn’t that I was thinking at one point that this must be what a car feels like in an automatic car wash.  (True Story.)  No, it wasn’t any of that, it was that I kept halting the kiss and he just didn’t get a clue and kept starting over.  I would move from the kiss and just hug him so he couldn’t go on and then try to start talking, then he’d go back in for more. 

I could have just told him what I felt but I try to respect that men have a certain level of pride and I try not to injure it, (okay and my car was far away so it wouldn’t have been a quick escape.)  He is a super nice guy.  He would treat me like a queen.  He would work hard to put my happiness before his.  He had it all, but after those kisses, he didn’t have me anymore. 

I love, love, love kissing!  I had a three hour kiss once…nothing else, no talking, no other type of touching, just kissing and it was heaven (and a leg man.)  I often kiss my first dates because I can tell a lot about them from just a kiss.  Now if it was just that twirly tongue thing with this guy, I could have taught him what I prefer.  If it was just that he was going too fast, I would have taught him to slow his mouth down.  But there was no give and take…kissing should be a dance… both fast and slow movements, fun and passionate moments.  And it should ALWAYS leave you wanting just one more.

I finally got back to my car where I had to endure two other long kisses before I could get him to leave.   Yes, I know I should have had my protective anti-kiss piece of gum on the ready and I had left my create-a-barrier-purse in the car because when we started the walk I WANTED to kiss him, until he did, and then I didn’t.  He didn’t want the date to end and kept trying to keep me out longer…offering me ice cream, coffee, a drink, anything else.  I felt bad, I was disappointed that it all fell apart and wanted to get home, but most of all, I really just wanted to make sure I didn’t have to endure another kiss. 

As I pulled out of the parking lot, the light bulb went off…He’s a breast man!  He’s a breast man.

Sometimes I wish my theories could be proven wrong…this was one of those times.   But until some breast man shows me how wrong I am, I will keep on enjoying the sexy confident ass-men and the slow and skillful leg men that come my way.   

How I learned to use a condom from a cute, happening, 28 year-old blonde chick

After my first date was under my belt and I continued to see Catalyst, I started to think about having sex again!  Honestly, despite my high drive, because I wasn’t looking to date when I stumbled upon Catalyst, I had not given it much thought.  But here it was, staring me in the face!  When you’ve only been with one person and you’re going to have sex with someone new after 20 years of the same ole thing, you can have some odd thoughts.  There’s the crazy things like, “Does everyone do it basically the same?  I mean, my husband taught me all I knew, what if he didn’t teach me right?  What if my best move with my ex is actually laughable to someone else?  He taught me how to do a blow job, too, what if the way I do it is a turn off to another guy?  How covered up can I stay the first time I have sex with him?  Do I really have to let him see me completely naked?  Will he laugh?  Will he be sorry?  Will he just not care?  Will he be one of those men I’ve heard about and its over in 10 minutes?  Would that be a good thing or a bad thing?  Men our age have plumbing problems, what will I do with that little surprise?  What will it be like to have sex with a condom on?  Wait, I could possibly get pregnant with someone with different swimmers?  What I am going to do about birth control?  Oh dear, STDs are pretty high among folks our age, what is it I have to do about that again?”

I live in a close facsimile to a “Stepfordville” community.  I knew I could find out about birth control from my friends, but they had all been married for almost as long as I have and none of us know anything about today’s safe sex.   When I got married in the early 90s, we were just learning about STD’s, especially ones like AIDS.  I mean, some of them have been around forever, but those were only for the promiscuous and I certainly didn’t fit that category.  In fact, they were still trying to figure out if you get AIDS from kissing when I was walking down the aisle.   As you may know, I was a virgin, I trusted my husband and I never had to give safe sex a single thought.  Fertility did not run in my family so I never even prevented pregnancy…like ever!   (Sidebar…anyone else hear Taylor Swift when you see the phrase “Like Ever?”)

So I decided to go see my a happening, young blonde chic I knew who could “help a sista out.”  I scheduled an appointment with my cute, perky, YOUNG doctor…it was time for an annual checkup anyway, kill two birds with one stone as a bonus, great!  Let me just say, with all this positive change in my life, I was glowing!  I had lost weight, I was finding myself, I was having a blast with Catalyst, I was woman—hear me roar and I could light up a room.   So Dr A walks into the exam room and says “Whoa…what happened to you?  You’re radiant!”  I told her I had gotten a divorce since I had last seen her (I’m one of those go-to-the-dr-once-a-year types) and she immediately changes her bright smile to a serious face.  She then said “I’m sorry!”  I said, “No,no, no it’s a good thing, that’s why I look this way!”  She then said “You lost 200 pounds of dead weight?”  EXACTLY! 

She does her thing…All the normal things like checking skin, listening to my chest and then all the somewhat embarrassing lady-part things that you have you to give yourself a pep-talk through.  Once I’m no longer spread eagle, trying to pretend that the little paper gown does anything at all and regain my composure, I tell her I really need some guidance.  I explain I am hoping to have sex with my new friend and I have no idea what to do about safety or birth control.  Dr A was so funny, she literally jumped up and down with excitement, like five or six times even!  Who knew doctors could have that much cuteness and personality?

She gives me my birth control options, a prescription, a talk on safety, a little how-to education and leaves the room.  Let me also share with you that I went to a private school. ..An independent Baptist one and not so much because my parents were as strict as the school was, but because it was cheap for a private school.  We had a rather rotund headmaster who made it the rule that guys and gals had “To stand as far apart from each other as Brother B**** is wide!”  So I wasn’t even afforded the awkward safe sex talk in high school, in fact I’m not even sure those people knew that people have sex.  But that was a whole host of scientific knowledge ago, so it wouldn’t matter now anyway, although I would have loved to have seen them put a condom on a banana!   So here I was, getting my first thorough sex talk at 40-something.  And although, I’m the friend that everyone sends the dirty jokes to that they wouldn’t share with anyone else, I’m  also the friend that is known for saying something totally unexpected and sexual, and I’m the open book person, even I was slightly embarrassed! 

After talking, she even convinced me I should get tested for STD’s just in case my husband had done anything I didn’t know about, which I agreed to do.  After I get dressed and ready to leave Dr A’s office, I see her in the hallway.  She has a huge grin on her face and says “Now you have a GREAT time and don’t do anything I wouldn’t’ do…oh, who am I kidding?”

And that’s how I learned to use a condom from a cute, happening, 28 year-old blonde chick, minus the banana!