Since Vulnerability is the newest lesson in my life right now and one that I am
thinking and writing about as I discipline myself to practice daily, I eagerly
clicked play. I’m honestly utterly
speechless, I'm changed and I hope you will be too. Okay so maybe I'm not completely wordless, but will try to sum up some of the things
that spoke to me, although I hope you
will watch it yourself and share your own thoughts.
Brene is a "shame researcher," and as she studied shame as the
fear of disconnection, she realized that the underpinning was excruciating
vulnerability. In order to have
connection we must be seen.
I actually remember reading a book about vulnerability early
into my marriage and I thought, no way, ain’t happening, because I equated
vulnerability with weakness. I was never
purposefully vulnerable with my husband because I never felt he could be
trusted with it, or strong enough for it.
We went through some life challenges that few couples have to face and
despite this, my most raw moments of vulnerability and pain happened, not with
my him or even a family member, it happened with a friend. I guess my ego was too big because I never
believed that those I had some emotionally responsibility for, like my mom and
husband, could handle the depth of my emotion.
I’m embarrassed to say that now…that if I fell apart they would, too,
but it is what I thought and I never gave them the opportunity to prove
otherwise. So over the years, I actually
got really quite proficient at talking about my life in facts but not in
emotions, where they felt I was being very open but I was still only
comfortable with my own outside view. It’s
something I am not proud of but it is because I found the risk of vulnerability
excruciating.
Dr Brown looked at people who had a strong sense of love and
belonging and were worthy of it. She
found them to be wholehearted and they had three commonalities:
Courage…to be imperfect
Compassion…to be kind to themselves first and then to others
Connection…as a result of authenticity.
They were willing to let go of the idea of
who people thought they should be and fully embraced vulnerability as willingness to do something with
no guarantees, investing themselves without any promise of a return. She found that this was fundamental for them.
Figuring this out caused her to have her own spiritual
awakening which is aptly how I would describe where I am right now. Vulnerability is the core of shame, fear and
worth, but it is ALSO the BIRTHPLACE of creativity, belonging, love and
joy. To be vulnerable is to surrender
and walk into it without pushing back.
Pushing back is always what I’ve done before. I could easily relay details and lists of experiences
while simultaneously crossing my fingers in hopes that no one would ask me about
my emotions, because that would require me to acknowledge what likely, only I,
would see as a failure or weakness.
She points out that our society teaches us to numb our
vulnerability…in fact its often encouraged…we are told to have a bottle of
wine, eat a vat of ice cream, buy yourself something extravagant, take
medication to make you sleep or forget.
But the problem she points out and I’ve never thought of it before but
it’s so, so true… we can’t selectively numb pain. We can’t choose to numb our pain over loss,
disappointment, anger without numbing the joy, goodness and love in our life
too…and what happens when we come back to feeling again? Start the numbing process all over or face
the good and the bad?
Another way we cope is something I’ve talked about quite a
bit…building walls by living by rules.
She calls it “making the uncertain certain.” We also perfect everything we can and we
pretend that what we do doesn’t impact others.
I don’t have the stomach for perfectionism but I know for
me, I spent my life trying to live by a certain list of rules, not just
those of a certain religious belief system, but also to be society’s version of
a “good person.” I thought these rules
would keep me safe. I thought I would
have the life I wanted if I chose to follow them. I thought that I could control all variables
if I just looked up the coordinating rule to follow. I was wrong…dead wrong. In fact, I think part of me died living by
all of that structure and only in my own awakening and the fullness of all the
freedom I can handle at this point have I begun to feel alive again.
Dr Brown explains how we can be vulnerable:
To let ourselves be deeply seen
To love with our whole heart without guarantee
To practice gratitude and joy within each moment
To believe we are enough
In another TED talk she did on Shame, which I will also
include below, she says “Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of
courage.” It’s the measurement by which
I want to live from now on. I want to be
fully alive, fully aware and fully awakened even when it gives no guarantee
that the things I want most will be awarded me.
I know it’s a risk and I know I’ve lived most of life trying to only take
calculated ones, but I just happen to think people are worth the
risk. I happen to think I’m worth it
too.
Power of Vulnerability http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Listening to Shame http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
Brene Brown's Website (and books I'm going to start reading today!) http://brenebrown.com/books/
