My Year in Review

Being the analytical gal that I am, I like numbers and facts and dates and data.  When it comes to relationships and dating, life is way more subjective than putting together the perfect formula for the man or woman of our dreams and riding off into the sunset.  As I say goodbye to 2013 not having found the love I was looking for, and forge ahead into 2014, I’ve taken an analytical look at my dating stats.

My little black book held 21 first dates this year.  The men have been as different as night and day, from executives to welders to PhDs, from the very attractive to not so much.  Despite their differences, in some ways, these men have been all the same…seems I have a knack for picking the wounded or emotionally unavailable, but I’m getting better!  In my quest to remain open-minded, I have had to cultivate when to say no, this won’t work or when to not grant a date in the first place.  Dating again in this day and age is a whole new learning curve and its okay to keep perfecting (and I use that word loosely) our game plan.

As I made a purposeful decision to throw out the rules to dating, I have learned so much about men and most importantly, me.  My friend Patrick always tells me after a dead-end date…”Just one step closer to the one you are supposed to be with.”  He’s right, you know.  Each date or man has taught me more of what I DO want and I’m getting better identifying the ones who won’t be good for me or to me. 

As you read below, remember, as you chuckle at their nicknames, they are not based solely on that one time meeting alone, but created from my oh-so-scientific-predate-data-gathering!   I want to share my adventures so you can learn along with me…and help you realize after a string of mismatches, there is always a lesson to be learned, my friends.  In no particular order, let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

”No Vibe”…Great conversation, but parted agreeing we weren’t a match.  However, while I imagined he was not sexual at all, I found out later through a text conversation where he was seeking advice, that he’s a crazy freak!  Lesson:  Even the kinkiest guys can be pickup-driving, conservative –hair-styling, buttoned-to-the-collar shirt-wearing wolves in sheep’s clothing.

”Bad-Breaker-Upper”  and I went out with three times.  We had a little chemistry, easy conversation and he wanted to date only one person.  However, he was too sensitive, which became abundantly obvious when I told him I didn’t want to see him again.  Lesson: If he’s more sensitive than a girl, he’s probably going to act like a drama queen when you tell him goodbye!

”Kissy Face” was the best kisser ever until that point and is as crazy about kissing as me.  But something seemed off…I explained it to myself that he’d been a bachelor for 9 years, alone too long.  Now that I’m wiser, I think I was ‘the other woman.”  Lesson:  Don’t make excuses for their lack of availability, odd communication patterns…they are likely hiding something…YOU!  

”Brit 2” was hands-down the most aloof man I’ve met.  During face-to-face time, he was all there.  Although he is very accomplished professionally, think absent-minded professor.  We did have a three hour kiss once that was super amazing…and he taught me about proper English nylons!  Lesson: Enjoy your time together, but aloofness will never leave you satisfied.

”2 Open 2 Soon” was the sexually confused trainwreck in my Sex and the City blog… ‘nuff said!   
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-real-life-episode-of-sex-and-city.html

”Square Peg” was super interesting with a wide range of interests that excited me.  He also shared a d*ck pic with me, unsolicited I assure you, yet had me in awe.  I mean, Ladies, we aren’t visual, but it was actually PRETTY…who knew?  However, we met in person and there was just nothing…it was the shortest date I’ve been on, I was literally watching the clock.  Lesson: Sometimes no matter how good a package looks, there’s just no way it’s worth unwrapping!

”BoyToy” is someone I definitely need to share with y’all.  I needed to focus on other things than finding love, so we agreed to a strictly physical relationship.  Being 12 years younger than I, he was all fun!  Lesson: It’s okay to take breaks on your quest for love…and there’s no shame doing so with a young stallion with unlimited libido and youthful stamina!

”Metaphor Man” was my Catalyst of Vulnerability as I have shared with you here.  I learned so much with him but as an “US”, we weren’t growing together.  Lesson:  Some people are there simply to prepare you for the next person, make your feel beautiful, open your mind to new thought and challenge you.

”Timid Tom” puzzled me…he guided me in purchasing my new car, similar values, decent chemistry and kisses, but he remarked he was intimidated by my confidence.  Lesson: If he has the nerve to tell you he’s afraid, he’s REALLY afraid…put him out of his misery and move on.

”Preppy Playboy” I met in a park for a walk.  He was obviously a professional skirt-chaser who never grew up and likely supported by his parents.  Lesson: Sometimes it just takes a couple of minutes to see obvious flaws…I have enough children to take care of, thank you very much!   

”The Farmer” was sweet and kind, yet despite a farmer’s masculinity, I felt he was just too soft for me.  Lesson: Even though I’m a nice girl looking for a nice guy in this crazy mixed-up world, there is such a thing as TOO nice!

”The VP” a good-looking, middle school vice principal (God bless his soul) who kept trying to convince me he was after more than just sex, which he never got, by the way.  Lesson: When you’re at a school event and your VP is looking important using his smart phone, it's probably not school business, he’s just sexting.

“Creature of the Night” was always just a little too secretive, wouldn’t share a photo, but an amazing communicator so I imagined he was just smart and excentric.  I was wrong!  He was awkward and socially creepy.  Lesson:  Some things are left better in the dark.

“The One who Ran Away” seemed like the love I had always wanted which induced a whirlwind romance.  He professed his love to me quite quickly, was planning our future lives together and then just disappeared.  No warning.  No explanation.  No disagreements.  He just left me a heart full of confusion and hurt.  Finally, FOUR months later, he had decided he wasn’t good enough for me. Lesson:  If they run right into your life, they might just run right out.  Going forward, I shall still be free to run, but I’ll wear high heels to slow down our pace.

“Dead Head” is named that because he has a very unusual career.  This was a set up/blind date, but He is younger without comparable life experience.   He did keep asking to be an FWB, but I was looking for a more, and not with him.  Lesson: Don’t settle for what you’re NOT looking for no matter how horny you might be!

“Turnip Truck” was FRESH off the marriage truck which I purposefully avoid.  He seemed harmless and a little lost so I agreed to meet.  I felt zero attraction in person and he kept telling me how disappointed he was that I would not grant him his first post-divorce kiss.  Lesson: Just say no to Rescue Dating!

“Fast Forward” and I met online one day and in person two days later for coffee.  He was instantly touchy-feely in the middle of Starbucks and planning our kids meeting.  Um, word to the men, never ever talk about meeting family on a first date…it freaks us out and keep your touching in check!  Lesson: Always meet in public places…I shudder to think if it had been more private.

“McDreamy” you met in “Exquisite Torture.”  The lesson remains, even torture is worthwhile sometimes.
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/exquisite-torture-continued-from-over.html

“Good on Paper” is the man in this blog (http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-kind-of-man-is-he.html) and the lesson is one we can take from Latino culture.  They have a saying “Uno beso dice todo” which means “One kiss tells all”…and that my friends, is why if there any possibility of a second date by the end of a first one, go ahead and kiss him!

“Smarmy Guy” contacted me through a meetup group we were in and asked about a local bar.  It ended with us meeting at one the following day.  He was hilarious while he entertained everyone sitting near us at the bar…I hadn’t laughed that hard in ages.  In that situation, I couldn’t get a read on him, except I told him I thought he was just looking for a hookup.   A week later he texted me and asked me to watch him pleasure himself via skype.  Lesson:  Some dates ONLY make for good blogging…and yes, I admit to embracing some things purely for blog fodder!

That, my friends is my list, well, except for number 21.  He’s my happy little secret for now, but you’ll meet him eventually!  I’ll give you a little hint…he’s from the UK, but of a different flavor than my others.

 All of my dating has taught me so many wonderful things!  I have met some truly amazing men…just not the man I am to love.  I enjoy sharing my stories with you, but have many more to elaborate on.  Tell me in the comments which characters do you want to hear about next!   May we all continue to learn lessons as we search for our love in 2014, each step bringing up closer to the love our heart desires.  May we find just what we are looking for…no, scratch that…May we find a love that is above and beyond our wildest dreams! 

The Art of a Kind Goodbye...

I believe in striving to be positive and kind.  My hope is that things are always just a little bit better for me being involved in them, even if they didn’t have the hoped-for outcome.  Life is too filled with disappointments, critics and nay-sayers to not remind people of why you value them.  I believe if you think something positive about someone, you should certainly say it.

During my post-divorce dating journey, there have been a few men I have spent more time with than a date or two.  Even though the majority don’t make it to a second date, there have been a few that piqued my interest enough that I wanted to see if there was relationship potential.  Regardless of why it ended at some point, it doesn’t change for me the fact that I thought enough of these men to give them my time and for those things, I am grateful.  For those same reasons, I want to remind them what drew me to them in the first place. 

Selfishly, I am also a person who likes closure so I like to tidy up anything else I need to say.  Now, all of these more significant players have remained friendly with me and I am grateful for this.  I don’t have any interest in being dramatic.  Oh, I know everyone says they hate drama and rarely actually avoid creating it at some point, but I really do.  Sure, I could tell the man what I didn’t appreciate about him but what good does that do besides create enemies and people you want to hide from if you see them at the grocery store?  I have no interest in that at all.  And I believe that if I put our positivity in my dating all the time, then not only will it be returned to me, but eventually it will bring the right person to me. 

Additionally, being a writer, I think sometimes it’s much easier for me to express myself through a letter with well thought out words than off the cuff.  A goodbye letter is also therapeutic for me and helps me get my thoughts organized for myself.  Often the letters are filled with emotion and exchanged back and forth for a better understanding of each other, even if it doesn’t change the results.  But overall, my number one goal is to thank them for what they contributed to me along this journey.  Each man, even the first-date-only ones, has helped me better define what I AM looking for…so remember, these are not failures, they are stair steps to the goal at the top of the stairs…the partner you’ve been wanting. 

Even the one-date-only men get a Thank you text and a polite message saying I don’t feel we’re a match and wishing them luck on their search.  I do believe there is someone for everyone…probably many someones, it can just take a while to find them.  Some of these same men have come to call on me to ask for dating advice and this would not have happened if I did the popular “fade out” or told them exactly why I didn’t think they are a match.  I promise, ladies, if you are positive, you will bring positivity to your dating life!

I am sincerely grateful for each of the lessons I’ve learned.  From the catalyst, I got to get my dating feet wet in a very safe place.  From the country boy I was able to find a quieter place in my life and find more peace after living with a chaotic ex husband for so many years.  From the preacher man I was extravagantly cared for and he showed me my worth.  From Metaphor man I learned vulnerability and to open myself up completely, without fear.      Even though I haven’t found true love yet, these men all made me a better version of myself, bred confidence in me and have helped me become a better catch for when my true love finds me. 

Of course the one-date guys have taught me some interesting, yet invaluable lessons…these men include Vice Principals to Farmers, Vice Presidents to Welders, Truck drivers to PhD’s, all looking for love, and/or sex.  I’ve learned first and foremost, texting or emailing too long before actually meeting can be a big mistake…the longer you talk, the more of a fantasy person you build up in your mind where rarely do your expectations match reality and it falls flat.  “Kissy Face” taught me that noticing the times of their availability may very well mean they are cheating on someone with you.  Several have taught me to not be too picky from the get-go…you can’t always judge a book by its cover, a man by his poor attempt at a dating profile…and that my dear friends, can go EITHER way.  I’ve also learned there are some really GREAT men out there who are amazing catches, even when they aren’t right for you and possibly for the most ridiculous reasons.  I’ve learned that there are men in open marriages or men that are openly looking for cheat who make no apologies about it.  I’ve learned to identify almost right away the men who really just want sex, no matter what else they tell you.  And these things have made ME more confident and wise, more trusting of my instincts from the start and that, as my friend Patrick says…each one is one step closer to true love! 

So I encourage you to be honest, open and positive not just to the men you really like and are most hopeful about, but even in the saying goodbye.  Be kind…there are too many people in this world who aren’t and then be kind to yourself.  Remember each time you practice the art of a kind, positive goodbye, you are one step closer to an amazing and future-changing hello!

Throwing out "The Rules"

Anyone up for a bonfire?   Let's burn some rules, kick it old-school like in the 60s!  No, I’m not ready to get rid of the tools in my midlife dating toolbox, but I am embracing the need to get rid of "the rules". 

If you’ve been in the midlife dating game for very long and are a seeker of information like me, then you have read articles, maybe books too and searched online forums to find out what the hell we are all supposed to be doing.  Being that understanding the opposite sex is an age-old problem, even once you got past the whole “How do I get back out there?” question, you then have the “What did he really mean when he did or said X, Y and Z?”  Or for you male readers, “What is it she really wants from me?” 

In my online digging, I’ve unfortunately found that most advice is something that, at my inner core, goes totally against my gut.  I’m an open book, I mean, I’m the gal who will tell the lady checking me out at the register at Target anything about myself if its topical.  I am who I am, most of the time, or at least that is always my goal.  But since dating after divorce, I’ve found I occasionally have some insecurities that link me back to my days in college where I wonder incessantly what is really going on with my ‘crush’.  Of course, my goals were different then, but that may or may not matter in the grand scheme of things.  Lets be honest, no matter your age there’s nothing like the excitement of someone new to make you realize you can easily be turned into a horny and emotional teenager again.

Some of the icky things you will find if you go hunting are websites purely devoted to teaching men how to be pick-up artists and books telling women they will never get and keep a man if they aren’t a bitch to him, supposedly turning men into a mold-able pile of goo to do whatever you desire.   On top of that, there’s a whole system of who is the 1+ and the -1, which is a precarious balance of trying to make sure you are always the “One up” so you have the “one down” exactly where you want them.  Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 

I even was part of an online dating forum for mid-lifers that I stumbled upon when my short-but-too-serious-too-fast quasi-relationship started to end and I needed some male perspective.   Yes, I definitely found the advice there helpful as I began to really get some sea legs in the dating pond, but sometimes the advice was really bad.   Over time, though, I began to realize that the members there were a very specific and narrow-minded microcosm and being an open-minded gal,  I needed a much broader perspective.  There was a lot of talk about the above tactics, as well as, narrow thinking of who you had to be to attract the type of person you should be with.

The other night I was at a meetup group event.  The men and women ranged from late 20s to early 50s, most single, but a few married people too.  There was a subset of women huddling together throughout the night talking about their latest guy drama.  Ever the midlife-dating sociology student, the whole exchange intrigued me greatly.  If I had to wrap it all up, there were a few women who had given the man in question their “goodies” and then it all changed.  It didn’t matter how long they dated before the goodies were given, the results seemed to be the same …they weren’t texting, they weren’t calling so the women were doing what we do…over-analyzing every freaking possibility known to man.  When the men were brought into the conversation for advice, they said “sex is just sex to men” but there is something about the dynamics changing once that tension is relieved, the hunter has had his kill, (no matter how many more times he wants it again) that usher in a whole new set of complex rules!  

But what would happen if we threw all of those rules out?  What if we texted when we wanted to text (so long you aren’t texting at the rate of him needing to take out a restraining order)…or what if we said what we really felt or did what we really wanted?   Not in a selfish way, because when someone asked me for a definition about a month ago of both great love and amazing sex, I said “both are about constantly submitting to the other persons wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well.”

I guess we need to ask ourselves “Why date?  What is our goal?’  I would respond to that question different ways at different times over the past year and a half, as I’ve had different needs along the way.  However, my first answer is usually “I anticipate the joy of loving someone!”  And, I want to be loved too.  I’m pretty simple at the base as I care nothing about being wined and dined or traveling the world…I just want someone to sit with me on a quiet morning drinking coffee, to take a long walk with, share deep talks with, having rocking sex with, but mostly BE KNOWN.    

So why do we buy into all the trappings, ie rules of modern dating?  

   *You can’t say what you really feel until a certain amount of time has passed.  

     *You can’t be the first to text.  

        *You can’t ask a man out.  

           *You can’t let them meet your kids until one thing or the other happens.  

               *You can’t let them think you like them more than they like you.  

On and on and on the list goes, and that’s before you get to all of the rules surrounding proclamation of the “L word!”

Read this quote from the book, "If the Buddha Dated":

“Our longing is also our desire to be known completely.  Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you.  Imagine being able to do the same.  That is the potential of a conscious relationship.”

Wow!  Who doesn’t want that? 

So friends, anyone want to join me in a bonfire?  I’m making a conscious effort to throw all of “the rules”…It's a good thing my trash runs in a few hours because I'm pretty sure bonfires at my apartment building are against "the rules"! 

Oh my...First date in TWENTY years!

Okay, there is nothing like the pressure of having your FIRST DATE in TWENTY YEARS!  I was definitely more nervous than my first date as a teenager...in fact, I'm not sure I even remember it.  Dating has changed a lot in twenty years and at this age, we know we are all flawed.  We are no longer wearing the rose-colored glasses looking for someone "perfect" for us because we have battles scars and we know that doesn't exist. 

My first date was with a wonderful British man whom I will call "The Catalyst."  When we met, I had been single again for about eight months.  Although I had taken a peek at online dating sites , it just seemed like all the profiles were the same, so how I found the Catalyst was really quite funny.  I went on to craigslist to look for a desk, because I was finally ready to get rid of the craft table I had been using to run my busy home business.  I decided it was time to get serious which didn’t last long, because I'm easily distracted!  So after not finding much in the furniture section, I happened to see the personals and that is where it all began.

If I knew before this that craigslist had personals, I had forgotten.  I decided to take a peek and honestly, I figured the ads would be sparse or very outdated because there's so many dating sites...why would anyone go THERE looking for love?  But I peeked and I 'bravely' went to the strictly platonic section!  There was an ad that caught my eye where a man said he was just looking for someone to talk to and email throughout the day.  As you all may have figured out, you turn off your availability and flirting signal during your marriage, so I was about to enter a whole new world.  I had NO idea if I could still be charming or flirtatious and thought maybe answering this ad was a good way to figure out how to talk to men again. 

The catalyst answered back right away and I think that first day, we exchanged 42 emails or something.  There was great conversation from the start.  The reason I call him the Catalyst (and yes, he knows that will always be his place in my life) is that he helped me so much in forming my thoughts on getting married again (no likely to happen), how my beliefs in God had changed (I’m a Diest), dating and sex (because I really like it) and hell, we just talked about any and everything...a lot!  Besides that great British dry wit, he is smart, sees below the surface in all sorts of settings, and a foodie!  There was never a lack of things to talk about and even though I had already started to find ME again and was loving being in a position to reinvent myself, our talks really made me a better person and a better version of me. 

Now, some of you get so stuck on the physical (although I’m extremely sexual, that's not what I mean) that you won’t understand this, but we never exchanged pictures.  After ten days of emailing countless times a day, we moved to texting (and yes, I'll admit it now, sexting, too!)  Finally, after a month, we decided to meet for the first time!  We knew each other so well by then, but still no pictures.  Of course, throughout our talks we had mentioned things about our appearance so maybe we had some vague idea of what we might look like, but we didn't know for sure. 

As SOON as the date was scheduled...about five days before the actual dinner, my girlfriends and I began to plan!  There were visits to the hair salon, the nail salon and pow-wows on what to wear!  Because the girls didn't agree on the outfit, it went to texting pictures to other friends and getting them to vote on which dress to wear...it was fun, but it was an 'ordeal!"  I do know, the catalyst had been on a couple of other dates since being single himself and he bought a new shirt to wear that night, but I also know he had NO idea how monumental it is to a woman to be on a date for the first time in 20 years! 

The night of the date, my BFF came over to help me get ready and by the time she and the sitter (also a friend) waved to me as I drove down the driveway, I felt like I was going to prom!  I had a big bundle of nerves and excitement turning in my stomach and I think I was probably shaking a little inside too.  I'm not a nervous nelly in most circumstances but I was so worried, after a whole month invested, that maybe it would be a disaster in person! 

We pulled up at the same time and honestly, he looked much the way I imagined him but he was also someone I would have passed on the street unnoticed.  The Catalyst has beautiful blue eyes, however, the WHOLE attraction I had with him from the start was the mindf*ck!   Guys, the real way to get to a quality woman (and quite possibly into her pants) is to take the time to explore her mind, her thoughts, her values and so forth...THIS is a mindf*ck! 

I was quite worried that perhaps we wouldn't have that ability in person.  I was wrong!  We went to an Indian restaurant because the Catalyst introduced me to Indian food by talking about it in emails and I started trying things and fell in love with it!  But let me tell you that although the food was almost as excellent as our conversation, we had chemistry like I have never felt before.  In fact, upon return visits to this restaurant, which I had only gone to twice before, the waiter remembered the crazy chemistry...it was that noticeable!  So for three hours we sat in that booth talking about a zillion things and at times, we didn't talk at all, we caught each other’s eyes and just stared, getting off track mid-sentence. 

Then we moved to an outside pub and sat side by side for another three hours, talking and laughing and even tearing up sharing some deep stuff.  As you may now, I have a rule...first date/first base only, which I am upfront about with men before we meet.  So there was sweet hand holding and then after six hours and realizing it was very late, we had to say goodnight.  He walked me to my car and he had told me numerous times that he would be nervous to make a move so I wasn’t sure if he would kiss me or not.  He did and we kissed for a bit despite college kids coming and going to the bar around us, joking that someone would probably video it with their phones and put it on youtube saying "Ew...look at these two old people making out!" 

As I drove away I wasn't on cloud 9, I was on cloud 87!  It couldn't have gone better.  On top of the amazing connection we had, I lived through my first date in 20 years.  As corny as it sounds (and I promise I am not that girl), it was magical and I still don't have a desk...I never did go back to craigslist to look for one...imagine that!