Grateful when it's not quite enough...

I’ve been working on this post for days…because it’s one of those days I used to love and now just dread.  I started cooking Thanksgiving dinners when I was 15 or so.   The first couple of years my mom lovingly guided me from the kitchen table, although she always did the baking, except for the pumpkin pie…mine was better than hers, but I hate to bake.   With each passing year, especially once I got married and I had china and silver and crystal, the meals and table settings got more elaborate.   Being the only child of an only child and my other parents’ siblings had died young, our table wasn’t surround with a lot of family, but we always found people who didn’t have anywhere else to go that day and they became our annual “thanksgiving family.”  Over the years, the thanksgiving family got to know each other and everyone looked forward to their annual catching up.  And each year, there would be new friends because a few of the old would have other plans…it was always exciting to me to see who would be around the tables. 

But what happens when life starts throwing some major curveballs?  The first came when I lost a child who every year would sing silly Thanksgiving songs after the meal.  He loved to eat, entertain and be hospitable and anytime we had cake,he said it was a party!  So “Turkey Feast” as we called it, was his kind of bliss.  The first Thanksgiving after we lost him, we decided to shake it up and do a brunch instead, but it didn’t really help and I still miss our traditional version of Thanksgiving.   The next year I was back to OUR old thanksgiving and again the year after, they were smaller  but I had no idea it would be my last big thanksgiving meal, and my last with my mom. 

Months after my mom died, who by then was basically my last living family member, we packed up and moved 1400 miles away where I anticipated scaled down holidays while dealing with some pretty profound grief.  While nothing compares to losing a child, losing your roots, the family that raised you and stabilized you has been paralyzing for me in many ways.  I don’t want it to be.  I want to be able to be bigger than it, glass half full, bright side, sunny disposition…I’ve always said I’m a realist with a lean towards the positive.  I’ve never allowed myself to be marked by and steeped in grief…I couldn’t live there, it’s just not me.  However, for someone that always went all out for the holidays, I miss that part of me and long to have it back some day.

Quite honestly, I never enjoyed having a small family, which is not only why we collected people over the years but also why I wanted to have a bunch of kids.  I excitedly anticipate the day they come for the holidays with significant others and kids in tow…I know a full house will give me a full heart!    But that’s years off…and we’ve moved states two more times since that 1400 mile move….so starting a collection of people hasn’t happened as easily as I would have liked.  This year, I tried…in fact, I contemplated even putting an ad somewhere online.  I know there are others like me, especially single parents whose kids will go to their ex’s house and they can’t be with their family for whatever reason.  My dream would be to have those people surrounding my table someday, a new “Thanksgiving Family.”  When my efforts of late were getting me nowhere, I realized a couple of things.

First, I started telling myself that I needed to be content with a thanksgiving for four…and to be happy I don’t even have to share part of the day with their dad.  I am unbelievably grateful for my kids…but honestly that’s something I feel every day.   So I started telling myself I need to be happy with “what is” versus what used to be, or what should be, or I wish would be. 

I began to tear those things apart and evaluating them this week.  I will never have those experiences again that I had the first 15-20 Thanksgivings I prepared.  Besides the most significant players having all died, the other players have married, had kids or grandkids and their lives have all changed too.  They have new places to go for dinner and I am genuinely happy for them.  Then I thought about my last two Thanksgivings where I live now…there have actually been three but I can’t recall the one before.  Two years ago, my ex husband and I had finalized our plans to divorce just two days before Thanksgiving and announced it to our world where we told everyone “we completed our marriage.”  We actually spent Thanksgiving separately….he went to one set of friends and the kids and I went to another.   But the kids complained we didn’t get to eat their favorites so we had a mini version that Sunday, where all five of us ate our last meal at a table together.  I know you’re thinking “No wonder you aren’t happy today!”   Honestly our marital relationship was over years before and so both of us felt some level of relief and it really was okay.  I just happen to be on the slightly sentimental side and for his final two weeks still living with us kept thinking “This is the last time….” Or “He won’t get to be a part of this next time…”.

Then last year I had been dating someone for a couple of months and it was characterized by too-serious- too-fast, but I was grateful to have SOMEONE extra at our table, even though by then he ate with us every day.  His kids were with their mom and so we ate in almost complete silence as he was sad they weren’t there and honestly, it was plain awkward.   So revisiting the last two years, I can find some sort of thankfulness that I don’t have to go back to either of those things! 

What do I wish?  Well, I’d be happy with a myriad of scenarios as long as there it included a host of people.  I know I can’t bring my family back, I know I can’t pretend to be a part of someone else’s.  I know I can’t snap my fingers and make it all the way I wanted it.  Basically I just want to be with more people and the day to feel special.  I will not scroll facebook today because it’s a constant reminder that it just feels like another day here at my address…only with food I make just once a year.  I will avoid the stores tomorrow because I see all of the herds of relative shopping while I shop alone.   I will try to get through the next couple of days not remembering that I am untethered when I long for that more than anything else.  Somehow, I will sit at my table with the beautiful faces of my children and not feel guilty that I couldn’t give them a “thanksgiving family”, but hopefully we can still be grateful when it’s not quite enough.  

I must be okay!

I must be okay...

 

Sorry about my absence, dear readers, I was in the midst of a move and without any strong and sexy men to help me...timing sucks!  Anyway, my mind has been reeling in a million directions and I'm struggling to find my quiet place, listen to my thoughts and find the brain space to write.  For someone like me, I must write and it gnaws at me until I do.  For years I sent out emails to hundred of subscribers that almost always were preempted by stress and therefore my therapy.  There have been crazy, stressful, emotional days that I felt like I needed to run to the nearest computer, where I couldn't type fast enough.

 

Thankfully, through the magic of divorce, time, and a multitude of other changes, my life is much less stressful these days.  Sure, I have single mom stress, running a household stress, career related stress but most days, most days its a peacefully managed chaos.  Okay, except those days I am wonderfully distracted by boys, (yes I am still that 15 year old girls sometimes), and wondering if he will text, call, ask me out and did he like me really or not? 

 

I think I've mentioned before I started going to therapy this summer.  I find no condemnation in this...if I had a mom I probably wouldn't need therapy, but basically, I need a slightly older woman to listen to me and relay her perspective back to me.  My best friend is great at that, but sometimes it nice to have someone totally unbiased to do it, so yes, some days I feel like I am paying for a big sister, but I'm embracing it! 

 

Although Mrs J is a therapist by profession, we aren't really doing any modules of "therapy".  I've long pondered if she ever sits down and wonders "why is she here?"  Not because I'm overly confident in my psychological soundness...I have plenty of flaws, but I do happen to know I am fairly analytical and have good self-reflective skills which is often not the case with other patients.  I guess she really is part of my dating life, because at this point, I know what I want and I know she will tell me if I am heading down a path different from what I have told her.  Because I have screwed up boundaries with friends, I want her to police me in making sure I don't make the same mistakes with men.  So that's her role, besides being my older, calmer sister-for-hire.

 

Mrs J and my gal pal in New Zealand are really the ones who encouraged this blog.  Almost every week Mrs J tells me "You really need to write a book!"  I finally asked her a month or so ago if she told all her patients that, assuming she hears a lot of great stories on that couch, but she assured me I was only the third person she had told.

 

Mrs J is a pretty, southern conservative, church going, husband adoring, super mom and giving midlifer who

probably is often shocked about some of the stories I share with her, which of course I am sharing with you (there are more to come, be assured.)    Today, we were talking about dating and I was relaying the two questions men try to ask before even meeting that always surprise me.  (Hints...one is about grooming, the other is about back door play.) She was telling me I would make a great sex therapist because I am rarely shocked.  I am having a little career crisis and she's always trying to figure out advice for that, this is her latest, and she mentioned the book again.  I probably would make a damn good sex therapist...great idea Mrs J.  She is never judgmental about my particular love of sex and how open I am, really about everything in my life.  She doesn't over-psychoanalyze my childhood or my past choices in life.  I would be fine with her doing so if she felt the need, by the way.

 

We continued talking and at one point she said to me "Leah, you have taught me SO much!  In fact, I feel bad filing your insurance."  She went on to explain that so many women she sees in my stage of life aren't nearly as open as I am and so she doesn't have to read between my lines, which will help her in the future with others.  I get that open thing a lot.  I love that I'm so open but I also worry not everyone finds its so endearing, or a positive attribute, but I'm taking this as a seal of approval.  After all, if Mrs J says I'm okay and that's good enough for me. 

 

 

My real-life episode of Sex and the City

This experience could totally be an episode of Sex in the City.  It was one of those times that you are scrolling an inner dialog thinking, “Did this just really happen, or have I been slipped a mickey and imagined it all?”

For whatever reason, I tend to attract and get on well with British men, my BFF says I’m a Brit magnet.  My own theory is because they know HOW, and more importantly, WANT to get to know a woman’s mind.  Or at least find out what you really think about things and then say great lines like “You have a brilliant mind!”  Hey, it works on me.  I find most American men don’t care at all what we think and it drives me crazy.  If I could find a way to only date expats I would be a happy girl, no not because of the accent, but let’s be honest, it is definitely a bonus!

I happened upon “Brit2” online.  We actually had sent long and frequent emails and texts off and on for weeks.  He was more reserved as all Englishmen are,  and therefore took his time before setting up a lunch.  (I now have my own policy not to talk to anyone longer than two weeks online before meeting in person, but hey, I was still a rookie.)    He, like catalyst, requested we not exchange photos, which on the upside makes you feel like a kid on Christmas morning when you are about to meet. 

I asked him to meet me at my Indian restaurant for lunch.  He was extremely laid back, very British-looking, very interesting to chat with and we were having a brilliant time.  He suavely came over to my side of the booth and sat next to me and that’s when I started feeling sparks. 

Unfortunately, I had an appointment with my trainer about an hour and a half after we met so there wasn’t a chance to linger.  However, he did a very sweet thing, followed me to the gym and then we talked and kissed in the parking lot for a couple of minutes and went our separate ways.  Overall, I felt we had a very good date and I was looking forward to seeing and kissing him again.

We texted more that day but I actually had a dinner date too.  My dinner date, who I will call Mr Green, had met online just a couple of days before.  He had been honest enough to tell me he hadn’t quite left his wife yet and seemed to be a big mess.  Call me a softie but I remember feeling helpless at first so I offered to meet him for dinner, but made it very clear I was just paying it forward and wasn’t interested in anything more than being his friend.  He agreed and then picked a very nice restaurant for us, actually.

Honestly, I let him do most of the talking.  And boy did he spill his guts, including telling me he had barely had any sex in 15 years because he couldn’t get it up because he might be attracted to men and was confused.  This was a little more than I bargained for...this man didn’t need a friend, he needed a therapist!

My safety friend checked in and I replied “I’m fine…he’s harmless.”

We were about an hour into it when I say “I really wanted to go ahead and meet you b/c someone paid it forward to me, he was my catalyst and I want to be able to do the same for other people.”   Then I happen to mention right after that my Catalyst was British and he immediately hops on it and it says “Your British friend doesn’t happen to be named ‘*******’ does it?  He’s in a science occupation and lives in a xyz town?”  He perfectly described Brit2…my lunch date!

I’m an open book, an honest gal, as real as they come so I replied, “No, catalyst name is ****, but I had lunch with ****** earlier today!”  I sat there, mouth gaping at how odd this was turning out to be…I mean I was already inwardly gasping at all the crazy personal sexual stuff he shared and now this!

Mr Green then says “Oh, well my wife had a fling with him {Brit2} years ago!”  Then he went on to tell me details of that and he and his wife’s situation and that she also might be gay.  I’m not a judgmental person…the only time I tend to have opinions is when people won’t just be who they are and own up to their flaws and mistakes. 

Shortly after this, he went to the restroom, during which time I did what ANY girl would do…I texted my two best girlfriends and said “Meet me for coffee at 8:45…I am having the craziest experience and will ONLY tell you in person!  You are NOT going to believe it!”

We ended the date and Mr Green wanted to know what I was going to do about Brit2.  I said I wasn’t sure yet, but told him I would not tell Brit2 any of what he told me. 

So I sped to where both the gals were waiting for me with coffee.  I was about to burst because I wanted to laugh and roll my eyes at myself.  We get through the preliminary hi’s and they had all kinds of grand ideas about what I had to tell them but of course, who the hell could guess the truth?

I start relaying the story of the date and then I said “And then he tells me that Brit2 and his wife had an affair years ago!”  They gasped and then guffawed!  This could only happen to me.  What are the fucking chances that I could meet two men in the same day, from two different dating sites, and end up going out with men who had that kind of coincidence?  Life is stranger than fiction.

As we sipped our coffee and ate our blackberry cobbler while laughing at my day, that’s when I knew I was in my very own episode of sex and the city, only I was wearing slightly more comfortable shoes.  

Midlife Woman's Dating Toolbox

So you’ve found yourself back in the dating world after a decade or two hiatus and you feel like you’ve been dropped off in the middle of another universe, right?   I felt very much the same not so long ago, but now that I have a few tools in my dating toolbox, I thought maybe you’d like to add them to yours.  

I am slowly figuring this thing out and by no means have all the answers from the 20+  first dates I’ve been on post-divorce.  Even though I’ve taken a few stabs at a relationship, most were “first-date-only” and I've learned a lot!  All of these meetings taught me some valuable things about myself and dating.  So, I share with you some tried and true tools from the field:

1-Thick Skin:  Dating at mid-life is not for the weak of heart.  When you first start dating (online, or otherwise), remember not to take things personally.  All of us have non-negotiables, which can be anything from smoking, to ex-cheaters, to tattoos, to someone who wears clogs (Ok but seriously, at our age, who wants to be seen with that?)  If we are truly being ourselves, then it’s okay when someone finds out we have one of the non-negotiables on their list.  It says nothing about us as a person, it is just a preference.  Shake it off, don’t go changing and move on to the next!   

2-Flirting Button:  When you’re married, you probably turned off your man-radar and flirting skills without even knowing it.  Over the years, You forget how to talk to men in a non-sterile way, so make sure your flirtability is turned back on and start using it!  Smile at men when they look at you, look out and around, say hi, wink if you’re a winker!  Then, if you want to talk to someone, try bumping into his cart, or if you are really bold and flirty, try asking his opinion on shaving cream!  Feel good about yourself when you leave the house and you will effortlessly attract the attention of others. 

3-Smart Phone:  Okay Ladies, time to up your technology ante!  It’s fairly mandatory in today’s world if you want to have any social life, dating or otherwise, you need a smart phone.  Texting is a huge part of modern relationships, so you need to get text-friendly, know how to take a decent ‘selfie”, and have friends take good pics of you doing activities you enjoy so you can share them right from your phone.  There are also loads of great dating apps to make dating fun at your fingertips!    

4-Honesty:   Unfortunately, many people our age are still trying to play games but I find if I’m honest, I tend to attract people who are honest.  I had a single friend who never got asked on a second date.  While trying to help her figure out why, she showed me her online profile pictures, which honestly weren’t a very genuine likeness of her.  So fess up, whether you’re a BBW, very tall, you smoke, like to party, wear glasses, collect PEZ dispensers, whatever the case may be, just be upfront.  I tell men my height, I never wear flat shoes and I’m a size 14.   I can’t imagine how awkward it would be to sit across from a man who had failed to mention his picture was 10 years old, 40 pounds and 17 wrinkles ago, etc.  I don’t want to be either person in that scenario!

5-Lingerie:  I am NOT saying that a first date should ever see your lingerie, but you know it’s true, ladies, when you have on sexy lingerie, you just feel more confident and sensual (yes, even if it’s not comfortable.)  The morning my ex-husband moved out, I threw out all of my lingerie and have enjoyed building a whole new trousseau.  Try something daring, too, go for things you haven’t worn before.  I did and I had no idea I’d be infatuated with thigh high nylons!  Confidence is Sexy and its okay if some of it comes from a pair of black lace panties!

6-Google/LinkedIn:  I’m not ashamed to admit I have googled almost every date I’ve been on.  There are plenty of “playa’s” out there and I don’t have time for that nonsense!  My BFF and I have gotten quite good at our detective work, but my favorite validation is when I find them on LinkedIn.  I feel if I can verify what they’ve told me about their professional life, then that’s good enough for me.  After you get to the date, it’s all about instincts, so trust yourself the most!

7-Boundaries:  This may come as a shock to you, but there are plenty of men our age who want sex on the first date.  Actually, most expect it by the third and if you don’t, you might just never hear from him again.  Shocking, right?  So, I look for a way to let them know my boundaries before we meet so their expectations line up with mine.  My mantra is “first date/first base.”   I am willing to kiss someone on a first date if I like them (because frankly, kissing is one of the best things EVER), but I make it clear there will be nothing more, unless they want a knee where it doesn’t go!

8-Your own car:  Always plan your own escape if you need it…get-away cars are not ONLY for criminals!  I just prefer to meet my date in a public place until I feel safe, in fact, only 3 men have been to my home.  Ladies, always make him come to your part of town for the first date…you’re worth it!

9-Safety Friend:  This might be the MOST important item on the list!  My BFF is mine and before any date, I send her his full name, his phone number, meeting place, and start time because as they say, ”safety first.”  So, thirty minutes into every first date, she sends me a text.  If I already know it’s a great time, then I reply “I’m great and text you after.”  If I’m still on the fence, I let her know to check back in another half hour, or if it’s not going well at all, I can ask her to call me with a diversion (the kids are running with scissors, the dog is puking, she broke her big toe, etc!).  If I ever needed a big rescue, I have no doubt she would grab her husband or sister, show up and help a girlfriend out!   In fact, she’s been known to do a drive-by just because she thinks it’s fun!  Gotta love a gal-pal like mine, and no I’m not sharing!

10-Wallet:  You should always offer to pay for the date.  Now, I never have because men of our generation tend to be fairly traditional but I like to offer.  You should definitely pay for some subsequent dates, so be prepared.   I have read about women who pay if the date is bad on matter of principal alone, this is generally a sign to the man that he won’t be getting a second date, but I think this is backwards thinking.  If my date was that bad, I would order the most expensive item on the menu and NOT offer to pay, but whatever. 

11-Disposable Toothbrush: These little things are the best…tiny, minty, disposable, discreet objects of fresh breath goodness!  If you WANT him to kiss you goodnight, sneak away for a quick brush and then, enjoy that worry-free first kiss!   

12-Gum and Handbags: But what if you DON’T want him to kiss you?  Put a piece of gum in your mouth.  Also, holding your purse in front of you as you walk to the car can be a girls’ secret weapon.  Most men aren’t into gum swapping or being hit over the head by handbags and will get these not-so-subtle hints!

Regardless of what you put in your toolbox, remember to be open, genuine and have fun.  Stretch yourself, look for life lessons and embrace all of the wonderful new things this chapter of life has to offer you.  And then meet your best friend for drinks afterward and dish out all the details.   You will either swoon like school girls at new possibilities, or double over laughing if it was a comedy of dating errors.  Either way, you can’t lose!