My Year in Review

Being the analytical gal that I am, I like numbers and facts and dates and data.  When it comes to relationships and dating, life is way more subjective than putting together the perfect formula for the man or woman of our dreams and riding off into the sunset.  As I say goodbye to 2013 not having found the love I was looking for, and forge ahead into 2014, I’ve taken an analytical look at my dating stats.

My little black book held 21 first dates this year.  The men have been as different as night and day, from executives to welders to PhDs, from the very attractive to not so much.  Despite their differences, in some ways, these men have been all the same…seems I have a knack for picking the wounded or emotionally unavailable, but I’m getting better!  In my quest to remain open-minded, I have had to cultivate when to say no, this won’t work or when to not grant a date in the first place.  Dating again in this day and age is a whole new learning curve and its okay to keep perfecting (and I use that word loosely) our game plan.

As I made a purposeful decision to throw out the rules to dating, I have learned so much about men and most importantly, me.  My friend Patrick always tells me after a dead-end date…”Just one step closer to the one you are supposed to be with.”  He’s right, you know.  Each date or man has taught me more of what I DO want and I’m getting better identifying the ones who won’t be good for me or to me. 

As you read below, remember, as you chuckle at their nicknames, they are not based solely on that one time meeting alone, but created from my oh-so-scientific-predate-data-gathering!   I want to share my adventures so you can learn along with me…and help you realize after a string of mismatches, there is always a lesson to be learned, my friends.  In no particular order, let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

”No Vibe”…Great conversation, but parted agreeing we weren’t a match.  However, while I imagined he was not sexual at all, I found out later through a text conversation where he was seeking advice, that he’s a crazy freak!  Lesson:  Even the kinkiest guys can be pickup-driving, conservative –hair-styling, buttoned-to-the-collar shirt-wearing wolves in sheep’s clothing.

”Bad-Breaker-Upper”  and I went out with three times.  We had a little chemistry, easy conversation and he wanted to date only one person.  However, he was too sensitive, which became abundantly obvious when I told him I didn’t want to see him again.  Lesson: If he’s more sensitive than a girl, he’s probably going to act like a drama queen when you tell him goodbye!

”Kissy Face” was the best kisser ever until that point and is as crazy about kissing as me.  But something seemed off…I explained it to myself that he’d been a bachelor for 9 years, alone too long.  Now that I’m wiser, I think I was ‘the other woman.”  Lesson:  Don’t make excuses for their lack of availability, odd communication patterns…they are likely hiding something…YOU!  

”Brit 2” was hands-down the most aloof man I’ve met.  During face-to-face time, he was all there.  Although he is very accomplished professionally, think absent-minded professor.  We did have a three hour kiss once that was super amazing…and he taught me about proper English nylons!  Lesson: Enjoy your time together, but aloofness will never leave you satisfied.

”2 Open 2 Soon” was the sexually confused trainwreck in my Sex and the City blog… ‘nuff said!   
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-real-life-episode-of-sex-and-city.html

”Square Peg” was super interesting with a wide range of interests that excited me.  He also shared a d*ck pic with me, unsolicited I assure you, yet had me in awe.  I mean, Ladies, we aren’t visual, but it was actually PRETTY…who knew?  However, we met in person and there was just nothing…it was the shortest date I’ve been on, I was literally watching the clock.  Lesson: Sometimes no matter how good a package looks, there’s just no way it’s worth unwrapping!

”BoyToy” is someone I definitely need to share with y’all.  I needed to focus on other things than finding love, so we agreed to a strictly physical relationship.  Being 12 years younger than I, he was all fun!  Lesson: It’s okay to take breaks on your quest for love…and there’s no shame doing so with a young stallion with unlimited libido and youthful stamina!

”Metaphor Man” was my Catalyst of Vulnerability as I have shared with you here.  I learned so much with him but as an “US”, we weren’t growing together.  Lesson:  Some people are there simply to prepare you for the next person, make your feel beautiful, open your mind to new thought and challenge you.

”Timid Tom” puzzled me…he guided me in purchasing my new car, similar values, decent chemistry and kisses, but he remarked he was intimidated by my confidence.  Lesson: If he has the nerve to tell you he’s afraid, he’s REALLY afraid…put him out of his misery and move on.

”Preppy Playboy” I met in a park for a walk.  He was obviously a professional skirt-chaser who never grew up and likely supported by his parents.  Lesson: Sometimes it just takes a couple of minutes to see obvious flaws…I have enough children to take care of, thank you very much!   

”The Farmer” was sweet and kind, yet despite a farmer’s masculinity, I felt he was just too soft for me.  Lesson: Even though I’m a nice girl looking for a nice guy in this crazy mixed-up world, there is such a thing as TOO nice!

”The VP” a good-looking, middle school vice principal (God bless his soul) who kept trying to convince me he was after more than just sex, which he never got, by the way.  Lesson: When you’re at a school event and your VP is looking important using his smart phone, it's probably not school business, he’s just sexting.

“Creature of the Night” was always just a little too secretive, wouldn’t share a photo, but an amazing communicator so I imagined he was just smart and excentric.  I was wrong!  He was awkward and socially creepy.  Lesson:  Some things are left better in the dark.

“The One who Ran Away” seemed like the love I had always wanted which induced a whirlwind romance.  He professed his love to me quite quickly, was planning our future lives together and then just disappeared.  No warning.  No explanation.  No disagreements.  He just left me a heart full of confusion and hurt.  Finally, FOUR months later, he had decided he wasn’t good enough for me. Lesson:  If they run right into your life, they might just run right out.  Going forward, I shall still be free to run, but I’ll wear high heels to slow down our pace.

“Dead Head” is named that because he has a very unusual career.  This was a set up/blind date, but He is younger without comparable life experience.   He did keep asking to be an FWB, but I was looking for a more, and not with him.  Lesson: Don’t settle for what you’re NOT looking for no matter how horny you might be!

“Turnip Truck” was FRESH off the marriage truck which I purposefully avoid.  He seemed harmless and a little lost so I agreed to meet.  I felt zero attraction in person and he kept telling me how disappointed he was that I would not grant him his first post-divorce kiss.  Lesson: Just say no to Rescue Dating!

“Fast Forward” and I met online one day and in person two days later for coffee.  He was instantly touchy-feely in the middle of Starbucks and planning our kids meeting.  Um, word to the men, never ever talk about meeting family on a first date…it freaks us out and keep your touching in check!  Lesson: Always meet in public places…I shudder to think if it had been more private.

“McDreamy” you met in “Exquisite Torture.”  The lesson remains, even torture is worthwhile sometimes.
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/exquisite-torture-continued-from-over.html

“Good on Paper” is the man in this blog (http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-kind-of-man-is-he.html) and the lesson is one we can take from Latino culture.  They have a saying “Uno beso dice todo” which means “One kiss tells all”…and that my friends, is why if there any possibility of a second date by the end of a first one, go ahead and kiss him!

“Smarmy Guy” contacted me through a meetup group we were in and asked about a local bar.  It ended with us meeting at one the following day.  He was hilarious while he entertained everyone sitting near us at the bar…I hadn’t laughed that hard in ages.  In that situation, I couldn’t get a read on him, except I told him I thought he was just looking for a hookup.   A week later he texted me and asked me to watch him pleasure himself via skype.  Lesson:  Some dates ONLY make for good blogging…and yes, I admit to embracing some things purely for blog fodder!

That, my friends is my list, well, except for number 21.  He’s my happy little secret for now, but you’ll meet him eventually!  I’ll give you a little hint…he’s from the UK, but of a different flavor than my others.

 All of my dating has taught me so many wonderful things!  I have met some truly amazing men…just not the man I am to love.  I enjoy sharing my stories with you, but have many more to elaborate on.  Tell me in the comments which characters do you want to hear about next!   May we all continue to learn lessons as we search for our love in 2014, each step bringing up closer to the love our heart desires.  May we find just what we are looking for…no, scratch that…May we find a love that is above and beyond our wildest dreams! 

The Discipline of Vulnerability

About a month ago I decided to go back online on my quest to find someone special. I have to say, I really don’t like online dating sites…I feel too often every profile looks the same. Sure, the individual men look different, bad pictures and all, but when you start reading the profiles there's an obvious and frequent lack of substance. Eventually everyone sounds the same…”I am looking for a girl who can feel comfortable in jeans and ball cap but wear high heels for a night on the town. I love the outdoors and camping and blah and blah and blah.” Most of these guys haven’t been camping since 1987!

I hadn’t been on a dating site since March, but soon enough, my phone was blowing up with messages from the site. However, the authenticity I both offer and desire from a match seemed nowhere to be found. Message after message didn’t have more originality than “Hi” or “Hi Sexy” or “You’re Hot!” Punctuation excluded.  But I happened upon a profile with an intriguing name and was instantly intrigued because this man was actually original, transparent and owned his shit. In fact, he had a long list of his lesser qualities which he just owned up to right in his profile. Most women would instantly be turned off by that…not necessarily because his list of faults were shocking but because how many people really do want someone being real with them when they seem convinced they have to polish up their own image in order to find the right person? I venture to say if you could get daters to give you the unadulterated truth, they would say they are looking for perfection, all the while forgetting how imperfect they are themselves.

"Mr Metaphor" was transparent from the start. In fact, he is also a writer and put a link to his site right in his dating profile…how refreshing! Really, him owning all of his shit right there from the start hit my first button. Being that he was a blog writer and loved to discuss theology without being religious, hit my next buttons. I sent him a message offering him a theological discussion and promising I wasn't a Bible thumper. It’s the only message I initiated. He replied back in short order and we began messaging back and forth that Friday night. By Saturday morning, I gave him my phone number and haven’t been back to the dating site since.

All day and evening on Saturday we texted up a storm…he was engaging, open, challenging and not so quick to get to the topic of sex like most men. Don't get me wrong, There was flirting and some banter, but also such probing questions that we ended up skipping over all the general ones you ask first…in fact, I’m still not sure we’ve covered all of those. Saturday night we talked on the phone for over an hour, (he has a great voice) we both admittedly hate being on the phone, yet still managed to have a good conversation absent of those awkward pregnant pauses I hate. We said goodnight and I was feeling excited but also thinking there was no way I could find someone that I clicked with after only a couple of hours being back on a dating site. He called it "Potentially once-in-a-lifetime."

It just so happened that the next day he was leaving town for 2.5 weeks. Before getting back online, I had been doing some heavy duty coaching with myself that I was not going to get sucked into playing a bunch of games. I was going to try really hard to embrace what came my way by abandoning pretense and also staying true to my number one mantra...that all of my dating experiences, teach me something positive or at the very least, make for good blogging!

So I invited him over. To my apartment. I realized I had a few hours home alone, (which hardly ever happens on a weekend). I never do that. I was motivated to do so because I didn't want to talk for three weeks really like him, only to find out that there was no spark in person. I've been there and done that and am trying hard not to start that tshirt collection.

I had read some of his blog and let him read mine…however, since my blog is all about dating, I sorta gave him a cheat sheet inside my brain. He knew the "first date, first base" rule from reading here. He knew all my little tricks should I suddenly put gum in my mouth or grab my purse. But he asked me something before he arrived and again when he got here. Would I be willing to take off my brakes? I love learning about myself and others…and honestly, I love being pushed just a little out past my limits. Mr Metaphor is very intuitive so I’m sure he surmised this about me.

Plenty of chemistry, connection, passion or whatever you like to call it had been building because I was so attracted to his mind. He walked in the door and he kissed me. Right then…”Hello” and then we shared not a peck, but a deep and telling kiss. Inwardly I was thinking…”well, that’s a new experience!” We sat down, we talked, we found ourselves laying in bed talking, still clothed but slowly, I was throwing off the brakes, er rules, that had so carefully been placed around me in my attempts to hide my fears and keep my heart safe. Somehow, for a reason I can’t possibly explain to even myself, he made me feel safe. He was transparent in so many ways, it was damn sexy to the point of almost being erotic to me...and how freeing to not have to play by rules! He asked me for honesty, transparency, openness, authenticity and yes, vulnerability. I know you are thinking he didn’t have the right to ask me this…he surely hadn’t known me long enough to earn it. But, if I strive to be honest, transparent, open, authentic and vulnerable in every other aspect of my life, why would I treat dating and my attempts at finding someone special any different at all.

A lot of people can’t handle someone as open as me…I’ve even had good friends tell me it was too much for them and pull away. So trying to hide behind “the rules” or the carefully crafted boundaries and safety nets I had been convinced I needed was really betraying my authentic self. While by virtue of time alone, maybe Mr Metaphor man hadn’t "earned" those things, however by his simple invitation to be who I really am, without judgment or expectations, without him gawking at my exposure and exploiting it, he had earned my trust.

I continued to take another journey with him that day as I let him see my nakedness, both figuratively and literally. The lights were on, there was no where to hide really, so I embraced his acceptance and his reminders when I unknowingly started to recoil. As he worshiped my body, as only he could (see "Ode to a Leg man"), and as he enhanced the freedom I so longed for in my heart and soul, I found a release. It was embarking on yet another transformation on this journey of mine. It was a new reality I so desperately longed for and I know few men can embrace a woman with this sort of freedom.

Over a week later we were actually talking about freedom via text…Mr Metaphor was out of town but we were heavy in deep discussion and a thorough mindfuck.  He said that the reason he felt free enough to kiss me the second he saw me in person was because of his own freedom. He went on to explain freedom is a life that is authentic and seeks to benefit others and he did it for me, for us. He’s been very liberating for me. He's so very special. He's a beautiful gift. One that keeps giving because a couple of nights ago, there was more intense discipline of vulnerability....

(to be continued tomorrow)

Exquisite Torture.... (pen-pals from across the pond, part2)

Exquisite Torture

McDreamy and I made a date for the night he arrived in the states.  I have to admit I was half wishing that the chemistry wouldn’t be there and my Catalyst would be right, “British men ARE Tossers.”  Yeah, Catalyst isn’t a big fan of his fellow countrymen.  We agreed to meet at a restaurant downtown, neither of us had been there of course, but I had heard about it from a Friend.  It turned out that it was a quiet, small and groovy kinda dive with a very eclectic venue and crowd…it was perfect!

I walked in the door and McDreamy stood up when he saw me…all 6 foot, 4 inches of him! I try not to be a height snob, I really do, but a tall man just does something to me…I think I like being towered over and I have no idea why.  Oh, he was so much dreamier in person, in fact, his hair was different than his pictures and he looked even more handsome and younger than portrayed.  His fitted tshirt and jeans, his glowing perfect skin…oh, I digress…anyway, after some British-English to American-English menu translations we figured out what we wanted to order and could now concentrate on just each other.

Before the drinks were even served, the chemistry was the most intense of any date I’ve been on, yes, even better than with Catalyst!  There was a lot of flirting, a lot of referring to past emails and also a lot of heartfelt conversation too.  His eye contact was captivating…it astounds me how poorly some men are at it in general.   I have to be honest, by the end of the meal, I was literally having the inside shakes you can get from something other than being cold.  I’ve had them after a really good orgasm or a highly emotional event but there was no sure explanation from these except the intense connection and chemistry we were feeling.

He paid the check and we walked around downtown, neither of us familiar with where we were actually going.  Suddenly we happened to look at each other, stop walking, all of that pent up desire through dinner just poured out and we were kissing passionately before we knew it. It was a great kiss, it was delicious and I wanted so many more.   We found an English pub on our walk and he wanted to go in, which was kinda cute since he had been in Britain just a few hours before.  It was not a popular place that night, just us and another couple, but we didn’t care and acted half our age.  We were so into each other, couldn’t sit close enough, or in that moment, experience enough of each other…mind, soul or body.

Before we knew it, our time was coming to a close and Jet lag was starting to set in on poor McDreamy as it was nearly 2am his time.  We got in my car so I could drop him off at his hotel and well, it was on.  The most impeccable kisses I’ve had in such a long time, hands everywhere and a keen awareness of how aroused we both were.  I didn’t exactly keep my first date/first base rule, our situation was so unique, but I did not go into his hotel with him which took tremendous restraint, I assure you.

When we got to the hotel, we both got out of the car to get a proper hug and kiss goodbye. His long, lovely arms just wrapped right around me. Being an arm and eye gal, those arms were perfectly how I like them.  We both talked about the torture and temptation we were feeling…wanting something so badly but realizing there are obstacles between us, like the Atlantic Ocean for one. 

There was such a bittersweet awareness that we only had THIS time and THIS place and THIS amazing chemistry, such a secret treasure we’d found.  It was all somehow beautiful, despite unmet desires and possibilities we could not entertain.  Although there are no adequate words for our unique experience, “exquisite torture’ is the most accurate description I can find.  Yes, exquisite torture both erotic and arousing, pleasing and yet, frustrating too.

He sent me an email the next morning telling me his first impression of me and said “I thought you are lovely, with SUCH sensual eyes and this loving caring nature which felt like you would REALLY look after my sexual needs .... does that make sense??”   It made perfect sense because it IS who I am and who I truly aspire to be!  It’s also proof positive that these wonderful British creatures I find so irresistible, with seemingly little time together, just “get me!”

So once again, an Englishman fits me so much better than local friends, therefore, I really must start saving for a trip to London to further my “purely academic" research.   Knowing it was well worth it, I’d happily take more days like this perfect one…. yes, sign me up for more days filled with possibilities and desires that can only lead to exquisite torture.

What kind of man is he?

Most of my post-divorce dating experience has been a result of online dating.  Generally, I will talk to a man 5-10 days before we meet in person.  I figure if we still are finding things to talk about after texting that long, we should meet because I hate dragging it out.  Once we’ve talked a while and flirted a bit via text or email, one of my favorite questions to ask men is, “Are you a leg man, breast man or ass man?” 

Worst answer?  “I like it all!”  I call them on it right then and tell them it’s a cop-out and they need to give me a REAL answer.  If they say they don’t know, that tells me they might not be very sexual or might be too passive for me in bed.  I love a man with a ‘quick’ answer and ass-men always know!  If they still can’t tell me (chances are they're a breast man), then I ask them to put them in order of preference, but they still lose points with me. 

I’m about to sound narrow-minded but bear with me.  Breast men are the worst…for me anyway.  I’m sure there’s plenty of gals who love a good breast man, but he does nothing for me.  Don’t get me wrong…I have ample breasts…its not at all that I worry they won’t like the size of mine, they will.   It’s not that I don’t like to have them loved on and appreciated, I do.  It’s that Breast men just come off as either make-out-aggressive or immature (dare I say childlike), not to mention of course, that we've all know those men who have trouble making continuous eye-contact.  "Eyes are UP here, dude!" 

I get why men like them…they’re beautiful.  I think both women and men can appreciate breasts for the way they look, not solely their function alone.  Some women choose to have their bodies mutilated just so they can have perfect ones…they’re important to a lot of folks.  Men don’t have any body part comparatively so I understand why they find them intriguing and desirable.  I get it. 

Since I’ve been dating, I’ve asked just about every man this question at some point.  I generally end up with ass men maybe because they are take charge.  However, two of my British guys have been leg men , so I’m not sure if what I love about the way they are with me physically is because they are leg men or because they are British.  I realize the cultural influence might skew my informal research project, so you can take that for what it’s worth.  (Edited to add: read Ode to a Leg Man-- I've expanded my research.)

I love ass men…they know what they want in bed and aren’t afraid to take it.  They are good to their woman and want to please her, but they lead and have a level of confidence I find damn sexy.   When you need a good, crazy roll in the hay, an ass man will give it to you good!  And I love Leg men, too, because they are highly skilled, slow, take time to enjoy every minute, it’s almost relaxing to be with them because they are never, ever in a hurry!  Honestly, I’ve let a couple of breast men slip through, when I wasn't as in tune with this info as I am now, but they are very centered on their own pleasure and its all about what you are going to do for them.  They approach my boobs like a sugar addict in a candy store, it ends up feeling creepy to me.   And what's up with breast men handling them completely different than their non-breast-men counterparts?  

Last night I was on a date with a breast man.  He was a nice guy, very into being a father (which I find sexy), good job, nice car, didn’t text me to death, called me to ask me out instead of asking via text and we talked for two hours, everything looked good.  Except during our phone call he said he was a breast man.  I told him I didn’t generally get on with breast men but I was looking for a man that could change my mind.  I really am open-minded that way.

The date was going fantastic…nice chemistry…touching each other’s hands while we talked…great eye contact…laughing…good food…very positive all around.  He asked me on a second date before paying the check, which I gladly accepted.  We went for a walk outside after to a nice area with park benches. 

Then he kissed me.  Then everything I felt before dissolved like a vapor.  It wasn’t just that he did that awful twirly-tongue thing, or that he really didn’t need me because his tongue was going so fast, I’m not even sure he knew I was there or not.  And it wasn’t that I was thinking at one point that this must be what a car feels like in an automatic car wash.  (True Story.)  No, it wasn’t any of that, it was that I kept halting the kiss and he just didn’t get a clue and kept starting over.  I would move from the kiss and just hug him so he couldn’t go on and then try to start talking, then he’d go back in for more. 

I could have just told him what I felt but I try to respect that men have a certain level of pride and I try not to injure it, (okay and my car was far away so it wouldn’t have been a quick escape.)  He is a super nice guy.  He would treat me like a queen.  He would work hard to put my happiness before his.  He had it all, but after those kisses, he didn’t have me anymore. 

I love, love, love kissing!  I had a three hour kiss once…nothing else, no talking, no other type of touching, just kissing and it was heaven (and a leg man.)  I often kiss my first dates because I can tell a lot about them from just a kiss.  Now if it was just that twirly tongue thing with this guy, I could have taught him what I prefer.  If it was just that he was going too fast, I would have taught him to slow his mouth down.  But there was no give and take…kissing should be a dance… both fast and slow movements, fun and passionate moments.  And it should ALWAYS leave you wanting just one more.

I finally got back to my car where I had to endure two other long kisses before I could get him to leave.   Yes, I know I should have had my protective anti-kiss piece of gum on the ready and I had left my create-a-barrier-purse in the car because when we started the walk I WANTED to kiss him, until he did, and then I didn’t.  He didn’t want the date to end and kept trying to keep me out longer…offering me ice cream, coffee, a drink, anything else.  I felt bad, I was disappointed that it all fell apart and wanted to get home, but most of all, I really just wanted to make sure I didn’t have to endure another kiss. 

As I pulled out of the parking lot, the light bulb went off…He’s a breast man!  He’s a breast man.

Sometimes I wish my theories could be proven wrong…this was one of those times.   But until some breast man shows me how wrong I am, I will keep on enjoying the sexy confident ass-men and the slow and skillful leg men that come my way.   

Oh my...First date in TWENTY years!

Okay, there is nothing like the pressure of having your FIRST DATE in TWENTY YEARS!  I was definitely more nervous than my first date as a teenager...in fact, I'm not sure I even remember it.  Dating has changed a lot in twenty years and at this age, we know we are all flawed.  We are no longer wearing the rose-colored glasses looking for someone "perfect" for us because we have battles scars and we know that doesn't exist. 

My first date was with a wonderful British man whom I will call "The Catalyst."  When we met, I had been single again for about eight months.  Although I had taken a peek at online dating sites , it just seemed like all the profiles were the same, so how I found the Catalyst was really quite funny.  I went on to craigslist to look for a desk, because I was finally ready to get rid of the craft table I had been using to run my busy home business.  I decided it was time to get serious which didn’t last long, because I'm easily distracted!  So after not finding much in the furniture section, I happened to see the personals and that is where it all began.

If I knew before this that craigslist had personals, I had forgotten.  I decided to take a peek and honestly, I figured the ads would be sparse or very outdated because there's so many dating sites...why would anyone go THERE looking for love?  But I peeked and I 'bravely' went to the strictly platonic section!  There was an ad that caught my eye where a man said he was just looking for someone to talk to and email throughout the day.  As you all may have figured out, you turn off your availability and flirting signal during your marriage, so I was about to enter a whole new world.  I had NO idea if I could still be charming or flirtatious and thought maybe answering this ad was a good way to figure out how to talk to men again. 

The catalyst answered back right away and I think that first day, we exchanged 42 emails or something.  There was great conversation from the start.  The reason I call him the Catalyst (and yes, he knows that will always be his place in my life) is that he helped me so much in forming my thoughts on getting married again (no likely to happen), how my beliefs in God had changed (I’m a Diest), dating and sex (because I really like it) and hell, we just talked about any and everything...a lot!  Besides that great British dry wit, he is smart, sees below the surface in all sorts of settings, and a foodie!  There was never a lack of things to talk about and even though I had already started to find ME again and was loving being in a position to reinvent myself, our talks really made me a better person and a better version of me. 

Now, some of you get so stuck on the physical (although I’m extremely sexual, that's not what I mean) that you won’t understand this, but we never exchanged pictures.  After ten days of emailing countless times a day, we moved to texting (and yes, I'll admit it now, sexting, too!)  Finally, after a month, we decided to meet for the first time!  We knew each other so well by then, but still no pictures.  Of course, throughout our talks we had mentioned things about our appearance so maybe we had some vague idea of what we might look like, but we didn't know for sure. 

As SOON as the date was scheduled...about five days before the actual dinner, my girlfriends and I began to plan!  There were visits to the hair salon, the nail salon and pow-wows on what to wear!  Because the girls didn't agree on the outfit, it went to texting pictures to other friends and getting them to vote on which dress to wear...it was fun, but it was an 'ordeal!"  I do know, the catalyst had been on a couple of other dates since being single himself and he bought a new shirt to wear that night, but I also know he had NO idea how monumental it is to a woman to be on a date for the first time in 20 years! 

The night of the date, my BFF came over to help me get ready and by the time she and the sitter (also a friend) waved to me as I drove down the driveway, I felt like I was going to prom!  I had a big bundle of nerves and excitement turning in my stomach and I think I was probably shaking a little inside too.  I'm not a nervous nelly in most circumstances but I was so worried, after a whole month invested, that maybe it would be a disaster in person! 

We pulled up at the same time and honestly, he looked much the way I imagined him but he was also someone I would have passed on the street unnoticed.  The Catalyst has beautiful blue eyes, however, the WHOLE attraction I had with him from the start was the mindf*ck!   Guys, the real way to get to a quality woman (and quite possibly into her pants) is to take the time to explore her mind, her thoughts, her values and so forth...THIS is a mindf*ck! 

I was quite worried that perhaps we wouldn't have that ability in person.  I was wrong!  We went to an Indian restaurant because the Catalyst introduced me to Indian food by talking about it in emails and I started trying things and fell in love with it!  But let me tell you that although the food was almost as excellent as our conversation, we had chemistry like I have never felt before.  In fact, upon return visits to this restaurant, which I had only gone to twice before, the waiter remembered the crazy chemistry...it was that noticeable!  So for three hours we sat in that booth talking about a zillion things and at times, we didn't talk at all, we caught each other’s eyes and just stared, getting off track mid-sentence. 

Then we moved to an outside pub and sat side by side for another three hours, talking and laughing and even tearing up sharing some deep stuff.  As you may now, I have a rule...first date/first base only, which I am upfront about with men before we meet.  So there was sweet hand holding and then after six hours and realizing it was very late, we had to say goodnight.  He walked me to my car and he had told me numerous times that he would be nervous to make a move so I wasn’t sure if he would kiss me or not.  He did and we kissed for a bit despite college kids coming and going to the bar around us, joking that someone would probably video it with their phones and put it on youtube saying "Ew...look at these two old people making out!" 

As I drove away I wasn't on cloud 9, I was on cloud 87!  It couldn't have gone better.  On top of the amazing connection we had, I lived through my first date in 20 years.  As corny as it sounds (and I promise I am not that girl), it was magical and I still don't have a desk...I never did go back to craigslist to look for one...imagine that!

Midlife Woman's Dating Toolbox

So you’ve found yourself back in the dating world after a decade or two hiatus and you feel like you’ve been dropped off in the middle of another universe, right?   I felt very much the same not so long ago, but now that I have a few tools in my dating toolbox, I thought maybe you’d like to add them to yours.  

I am slowly figuring this thing out and by no means have all the answers from the 20+  first dates I’ve been on post-divorce.  Even though I’ve taken a few stabs at a relationship, most were “first-date-only” and I've learned a lot!  All of these meetings taught me some valuable things about myself and dating.  So, I share with you some tried and true tools from the field:

1-Thick Skin:  Dating at mid-life is not for the weak of heart.  When you first start dating (online, or otherwise), remember not to take things personally.  All of us have non-negotiables, which can be anything from smoking, to ex-cheaters, to tattoos, to someone who wears clogs (Ok but seriously, at our age, who wants to be seen with that?)  If we are truly being ourselves, then it’s okay when someone finds out we have one of the non-negotiables on their list.  It says nothing about us as a person, it is just a preference.  Shake it off, don’t go changing and move on to the next!   

2-Flirting Button:  When you’re married, you probably turned off your man-radar and flirting skills without even knowing it.  Over the years, You forget how to talk to men in a non-sterile way, so make sure your flirtability is turned back on and start using it!  Smile at men when they look at you, look out and around, say hi, wink if you’re a winker!  Then, if you want to talk to someone, try bumping into his cart, or if you are really bold and flirty, try asking his opinion on shaving cream!  Feel good about yourself when you leave the house and you will effortlessly attract the attention of others. 

3-Smart Phone:  Okay Ladies, time to up your technology ante!  It’s fairly mandatory in today’s world if you want to have any social life, dating or otherwise, you need a smart phone.  Texting is a huge part of modern relationships, so you need to get text-friendly, know how to take a decent ‘selfie”, and have friends take good pics of you doing activities you enjoy so you can share them right from your phone.  There are also loads of great dating apps to make dating fun at your fingertips!    

4-Honesty:   Unfortunately, many people our age are still trying to play games but I find if I’m honest, I tend to attract people who are honest.  I had a single friend who never got asked on a second date.  While trying to help her figure out why, she showed me her online profile pictures, which honestly weren’t a very genuine likeness of her.  So fess up, whether you’re a BBW, very tall, you smoke, like to party, wear glasses, collect PEZ dispensers, whatever the case may be, just be upfront.  I tell men my height, I never wear flat shoes and I’m a size 14.   I can’t imagine how awkward it would be to sit across from a man who had failed to mention his picture was 10 years old, 40 pounds and 17 wrinkles ago, etc.  I don’t want to be either person in that scenario!

5-Lingerie:  I am NOT saying that a first date should ever see your lingerie, but you know it’s true, ladies, when you have on sexy lingerie, you just feel more confident and sensual (yes, even if it’s not comfortable.)  The morning my ex-husband moved out, I threw out all of my lingerie and have enjoyed building a whole new trousseau.  Try something daring, too, go for things you haven’t worn before.  I did and I had no idea I’d be infatuated with thigh high nylons!  Confidence is Sexy and its okay if some of it comes from a pair of black lace panties!

6-Google/LinkedIn:  I’m not ashamed to admit I have googled almost every date I’ve been on.  There are plenty of “playa’s” out there and I don’t have time for that nonsense!  My BFF and I have gotten quite good at our detective work, but my favorite validation is when I find them on LinkedIn.  I feel if I can verify what they’ve told me about their professional life, then that’s good enough for me.  After you get to the date, it’s all about instincts, so trust yourself the most!

7-Boundaries:  This may come as a shock to you, but there are plenty of men our age who want sex on the first date.  Actually, most expect it by the third and if you don’t, you might just never hear from him again.  Shocking, right?  So, I look for a way to let them know my boundaries before we meet so their expectations line up with mine.  My mantra is “first date/first base.”   I am willing to kiss someone on a first date if I like them (because frankly, kissing is one of the best things EVER), but I make it clear there will be nothing more, unless they want a knee where it doesn’t go!

8-Your own car:  Always plan your own escape if you need it…get-away cars are not ONLY for criminals!  I just prefer to meet my date in a public place until I feel safe, in fact, only 3 men have been to my home.  Ladies, always make him come to your part of town for the first date…you’re worth it!

9-Safety Friend:  This might be the MOST important item on the list!  My BFF is mine and before any date, I send her his full name, his phone number, meeting place, and start time because as they say, ”safety first.”  So, thirty minutes into every first date, she sends me a text.  If I already know it’s a great time, then I reply “I’m great and text you after.”  If I’m still on the fence, I let her know to check back in another half hour, or if it’s not going well at all, I can ask her to call me with a diversion (the kids are running with scissors, the dog is puking, she broke her big toe, etc!).  If I ever needed a big rescue, I have no doubt she would grab her husband or sister, show up and help a girlfriend out!   In fact, she’s been known to do a drive-by just because she thinks it’s fun!  Gotta love a gal-pal like mine, and no I’m not sharing!

10-Wallet:  You should always offer to pay for the date.  Now, I never have because men of our generation tend to be fairly traditional but I like to offer.  You should definitely pay for some subsequent dates, so be prepared.   I have read about women who pay if the date is bad on matter of principal alone, this is generally a sign to the man that he won’t be getting a second date, but I think this is backwards thinking.  If my date was that bad, I would order the most expensive item on the menu and NOT offer to pay, but whatever. 

11-Disposable Toothbrush: These little things are the best…tiny, minty, disposable, discreet objects of fresh breath goodness!  If you WANT him to kiss you goodnight, sneak away for a quick brush and then, enjoy that worry-free first kiss!   

12-Gum and Handbags: But what if you DON’T want him to kiss you?  Put a piece of gum in your mouth.  Also, holding your purse in front of you as you walk to the car can be a girls’ secret weapon.  Most men aren’t into gum swapping or being hit over the head by handbags and will get these not-so-subtle hints!

Regardless of what you put in your toolbox, remember to be open, genuine and have fun.  Stretch yourself, look for life lessons and embrace all of the wonderful new things this chapter of life has to offer you.  And then meet your best friend for drinks afterward and dish out all the details.   You will either swoon like school girls at new possibilities, or double over laughing if it was a comedy of dating errors.  Either way, you can’t lose!