Springboards....

If you didn’t get a chance to read “the art of a kind goodbye” then maybe you should as a preface to this post.  But basically my mantra in dating is to be kind…in the good and the bad, be kind.  And you know what?  I don’t have the dramatic horror stories others have in this crazy world of dating.  I firmly believe it’s because I’ve made it a point to take the high road, to expect the best, to encourage, to know when to walk away, but walk away in the light with magnificent grace.  I don’t just mean grace for myself, but grace for us all. 

Remember, we are all learning in this dating thing. Or we should be anyway.  And hopefully we are dating people enlightened enough to take their lessons and walk ahead.  The benefit of dating and meeting  a lot of men that aren’t quite right for you, is you begin to see a clearer picture of who is…and know better when to walk when they aren’t.

Which brings me to springboards…

Before I met “Metaphor Man” I had tried to go on maybe 4 or 5 first dates but I just didn’t enjoy them.  Not because the men weren’t enjoyable or interesting or attractive or respectable.  I didn’t’ enjoy them because “The one who ran away” bruised me enough to where I couldn’t quite go on a date without wishing it was him the whole time. 

When I met “The one who ran away” he said something that, at the time, seemed so amazingly sweet, but became true in a way contrary to how he meant it.  I think.   He said “I want to ruin you for any other man.”  What he meant was he wanted to be so good to me that I wouldn’t even think of another man being better.  It sounded great at the time.  But after he disappeared and I had no idea why, I feared I was ruined…and after all of those first dates, I would hear his words in my head as I sat there wishing it I was sitting across from him instead of the man of the hour.

It turned out that after four months of nothing, I finally heard from “The one who ran away” and maybe I will blog about that sometime.  But I had been promising myself I was going to go back online just a couple of days before he reappeared and kept putting it off.  However, that closure I finally got was all I needed to get back out there and not feel quite so ruined.

A few days later I met “Metaphor Man” and with complete respect and tactfulness, he noticed right away the ugly bruises that were left in the wake of my ruin.  He might not have recognized them as such, but he challenged me to take off my brakes, throw out the rules, be vulnerable, expand my understanding of freedom within spirituality and reminded me I was beautiful. 

This wasn’t a rebound situation because I wasn’t thinking at all about “The One Who Got Away”…but he was still marking me…bits of ruin still existed and that’s where I thought I cleverly could prevent it from happening again.   We’ve all gone into protective mode before.   I applied brakes before I even started driving, built a wall of rules like a fortress and although I have always been severely authentic, I’ve never known how to be truly vulnerable.  But “Metaphor Man” effortlessly saw right through all of those things and brought out more of the real me that existed before I became ruined.

Despite “Metaphor Man’s” ability to challenge me in the way I love to be challenged, the brief time we spent together had a purpose.  I learned so much from him that I actually didn’t friend zone him when I knew we couldn’t meet each other’s needs.  Maybe I was selfish when I purposely held on a little longer.  I realized early on that while “Catalyst” was there to ease me back into my new life post-divorce and gently prepare me, “Metaphor Man” was my catalyst of vulnerability.  It was something he sowed into me knowing he wouldn’t reap the rewards…a selfless act, actually.

So when I started with my current guy “The Scot”, (no, that’s not his name…he’s Scottish) I was in a much better place, yet he actually noticed the slightest tinges of those faint bruises, too.  I’m happy to report that through “The Scot’s” tender care of me the traces have disappeared, he makes me believe about myself all the wonderful things he tells me.  Yet, I couldn’t help but think that “Metaphor Man” actually prepared me to be ready for the amazing thing that is unfolding in my new relationship now.   That is a gift and it’s easily one that can be missed if you don’t make a purposeful decision to be introspective, yet friendly and kind and full of grace in your dating.   Society tells us far too often to blame instead of learn. 

When I ended it with “Metaphor Man” (which was done by text because we both abhor the phone), I started by asking “Can we just be friends?” because that really seemed like all we needed to be or had evolutionarily become.  We haven’t texted but a couple of times since, but had a great conversation this week that reminded me why Kindness in dating is so important and I’m pretty sure he would agree.

We were just chatting about his move and both our jobs.  I said something about noticing he hadn’t been blogging as much lately.  He told me the reason why…he had fallen in love with someone, completely surprising him.  I was actually elated at this good news!   So I felt free to share with him about “The Scot” and we both were so very happy for each other. 

The exchange culminated with” Metaphor Man” saying, “You have a spirit that can’t be contained, and never should be.  The Scot is a lucky guy and sounds like a wonderful man to let your spirit burst forth and be nurtured.”  I replied “Angela is a lucky gal to be able to engage you like you describe.  Your mind is so amazing and I think it takes a rare person to keep it stimulated.   I’m so happy for you and encourage you to love her with all of you!”

So that, my friends, is a Springboard.   Metaphor Man and I were just walking up to the springboard together, supporting each other as we dove into what lied ahead…separately .  Actually, it’s has sprung us both towards something even better than we knew could be.  

Don't Buy the Lie!

If you’ve been divorced (or never married) and are in midlife, male or female, you’ve heard time and time again that you shouldn’t NEED someone in your life.  You are ENOUGH by yourself.  You need to LOVE being single.  You have read articles and list after list of all the reasons why you should be so blessed to be all YOU need in your life! 

No one needs these lists for being coupled.  You don’t have to be told by a thousand experts why you are lucky to be in a healthy, loving relationship.  You don’t have to be told because already know!  No one has to remind you why companionship, affection, acceptance and comfort is good…our whole being…mind, soul, heart and body knows it’s good.    

So why do people work so hard to convince us that being single is the ultimate, and only after you find yourself incidentally single?  Doesn’t society tell us from day one that the ultimate goal is to be married with a white picket fence and 2.2 perfect children, a well-paying job, new cars, enviable vacations and plenty of fabulous friends? 

But the second we find ourselves uncoupled, well, we have to hear endless people, including all the “experts” tell us why we are lucky. Then almost in the same breath, those who care for us pummel us with questions about our status…are you dating?  Are you dating anyone special?  Then when you answer no, you see their disappointed faces and either you tell them some line about why you aren’t looking (even if you are) or they tell you how the world is your oyster and you should be loving it.

It can’t be both ways, folks! 

Now granted, if you’ve been through a midlife divorce, you have undoubtedly had people come out of the woodwork to tell you how much they dislike being married.  Or you can now use your post-divorce-spidey-sense to see that many people really aren’t happy with their relationships despite how happy they make it look on facebook. 

Honestly, it’s the ‘experts’ (who by and large, aren’t even single) that go on and on about how we need to be content with our singleness.  Even in my church-going days, the married women would say…”Once you are content being single is when your husband will come along.”  Really?  No!  This is why the second any of us, male or female, meet someone we have a spark and connection with we turn into mushy teenagers at the speed of lightning! 

We are also urged to appear fierce in our singleness, neglect vulnerability and therefore feel we can’t openly express our very basic God-given need…which is relationship.  And heaven forbid we be real about this common need on a dating profile!  The person of the opposite sex has now been programmed to read that must be needy, clingy, desperate or looking for a sugar daddy if you mention your real desire to find someone.  Um…hello!  Aren’t we on dating websites to find love?  Let’s just agree to be real about THAT little known fact, which by the way, is backed by a two billion industry.  Yeah, those moguls are laughing all the way to the bank at the games we play and the lies we’ve bought into that prevent us from really finding love and keep us coming back for more…because they know unless we change our mindset, we will make the same mistakes time and again. 

Don’t get me wrong…I’m a pretty independent person.  I’m determined, driven when I want to be, intuitive and a great problem solver.  I’m also an introvert by nature (except in the bedroom), a fairly peaceful and quiet person (again, except in the bedroom)…and I NEED and crave alone time (except in the bedroom!)  There are things I enjoy about being single and being free of expectations someone else might put on me.  But what if it brings MORE joy to my life to be able to cook for someone else, to do something loving or sacrificial for the person I care about vs doing that same thing JUST for myself.   What if fulfilling those expectations for someone else, which is the ultimate expression of love, actually makes your life better?

I don’t need a man to complete me.  Nor would I want to be with a man who needed someone to complete him.  I’ve always liked the 1 x 1=1 thinking about couples versus the two halves make a whole.  But I do want to complement him and for him to complement me.  (That’s complement…as in add value to or enhance, but compliments are always great, too!)  I am looking for a man that makes me a better version of myself and I would like to feel I am the same for him.  This, of course, doesn’t mean when I am not dating someone I am a lesser person, either.

What’s wrong with admitting we would like someone to eat dinner with at the end of the day, discuss our happenings, world events and laugh at life’s little mishaps?  What’s wrong with wanting to wake up with someone who doesn’t look their best in the morning?  What’s wrong with knowing your coffee time would be just a little better if you were sitting snuggled close to someone on the couch?  Then there’s knowing that parties are harder to go to alone and having someone to just call or text during the day when it’s a particularly good one or even when it’s not so good, makes the day just a little bit better.  And of course, sex…don’t even TRY to pretend it’s better alone…as I always say…(okay, Marvin Gaye said it first) “Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby!”  And those that would argue no-strings-attached sex is more desirable to sex with a loving partner who you can sexually engage any time you want, I say “Bollocks!”   

So I’m giving myself permission and I’d love for yourself permission, too…sure we can be complete, whole and emotionally stable singletons who aren’t desperate to be completed by some other person.  We can be strong, we can know what we want….and what we want is to find love!  It’s okay to admit it to yourself!  It’s okay to say it out loud!    It’s okay to put on your dating profile!  It’s okay to share with your date!  It’s okay to be who really are, to freely feel and express what you really need…that’s confidence, that’s independence, that’s damn sexy!  

The Discipline of Vulnerability

About a month ago I decided to go back online on my quest to find someone special. I have to say, I really don’t like online dating sites…I feel too often every profile looks the same. Sure, the individual men look different, bad pictures and all, but when you start reading the profiles there's an obvious and frequent lack of substance. Eventually everyone sounds the same…”I am looking for a girl who can feel comfortable in jeans and ball cap but wear high heels for a night on the town. I love the outdoors and camping and blah and blah and blah.” Most of these guys haven’t been camping since 1987!

I hadn’t been on a dating site since March, but soon enough, my phone was blowing up with messages from the site. However, the authenticity I both offer and desire from a match seemed nowhere to be found. Message after message didn’t have more originality than “Hi” or “Hi Sexy” or “You’re Hot!” Punctuation excluded.  But I happened upon a profile with an intriguing name and was instantly intrigued because this man was actually original, transparent and owned his shit. In fact, he had a long list of his lesser qualities which he just owned up to right in his profile. Most women would instantly be turned off by that…not necessarily because his list of faults were shocking but because how many people really do want someone being real with them when they seem convinced they have to polish up their own image in order to find the right person? I venture to say if you could get daters to give you the unadulterated truth, they would say they are looking for perfection, all the while forgetting how imperfect they are themselves.

"Mr Metaphor" was transparent from the start. In fact, he is also a writer and put a link to his site right in his dating profile…how refreshing! Really, him owning all of his shit right there from the start hit my first button. Being that he was a blog writer and loved to discuss theology without being religious, hit my next buttons. I sent him a message offering him a theological discussion and promising I wasn't a Bible thumper. It’s the only message I initiated. He replied back in short order and we began messaging back and forth that Friday night. By Saturday morning, I gave him my phone number and haven’t been back to the dating site since.

All day and evening on Saturday we texted up a storm…he was engaging, open, challenging and not so quick to get to the topic of sex like most men. Don't get me wrong, There was flirting and some banter, but also such probing questions that we ended up skipping over all the general ones you ask first…in fact, I’m still not sure we’ve covered all of those. Saturday night we talked on the phone for over an hour, (he has a great voice) we both admittedly hate being on the phone, yet still managed to have a good conversation absent of those awkward pregnant pauses I hate. We said goodnight and I was feeling excited but also thinking there was no way I could find someone that I clicked with after only a couple of hours being back on a dating site. He called it "Potentially once-in-a-lifetime."

It just so happened that the next day he was leaving town for 2.5 weeks. Before getting back online, I had been doing some heavy duty coaching with myself that I was not going to get sucked into playing a bunch of games. I was going to try really hard to embrace what came my way by abandoning pretense and also staying true to my number one mantra...that all of my dating experiences, teach me something positive or at the very least, make for good blogging!

So I invited him over. To my apartment. I realized I had a few hours home alone, (which hardly ever happens on a weekend). I never do that. I was motivated to do so because I didn't want to talk for three weeks really like him, only to find out that there was no spark in person. I've been there and done that and am trying hard not to start that tshirt collection.

I had read some of his blog and let him read mine…however, since my blog is all about dating, I sorta gave him a cheat sheet inside my brain. He knew the "first date, first base" rule from reading here. He knew all my little tricks should I suddenly put gum in my mouth or grab my purse. But he asked me something before he arrived and again when he got here. Would I be willing to take off my brakes? I love learning about myself and others…and honestly, I love being pushed just a little out past my limits. Mr Metaphor is very intuitive so I’m sure he surmised this about me.

Plenty of chemistry, connection, passion or whatever you like to call it had been building because I was so attracted to his mind. He walked in the door and he kissed me. Right then…”Hello” and then we shared not a peck, but a deep and telling kiss. Inwardly I was thinking…”well, that’s a new experience!” We sat down, we talked, we found ourselves laying in bed talking, still clothed but slowly, I was throwing off the brakes, er rules, that had so carefully been placed around me in my attempts to hide my fears and keep my heart safe. Somehow, for a reason I can’t possibly explain to even myself, he made me feel safe. He was transparent in so many ways, it was damn sexy to the point of almost being erotic to me...and how freeing to not have to play by rules! He asked me for honesty, transparency, openness, authenticity and yes, vulnerability. I know you are thinking he didn’t have the right to ask me this…he surely hadn’t known me long enough to earn it. But, if I strive to be honest, transparent, open, authentic and vulnerable in every other aspect of my life, why would I treat dating and my attempts at finding someone special any different at all.

A lot of people can’t handle someone as open as me…I’ve even had good friends tell me it was too much for them and pull away. So trying to hide behind “the rules” or the carefully crafted boundaries and safety nets I had been convinced I needed was really betraying my authentic self. While by virtue of time alone, maybe Mr Metaphor man hadn’t "earned" those things, however by his simple invitation to be who I really am, without judgment or expectations, without him gawking at my exposure and exploiting it, he had earned my trust.

I continued to take another journey with him that day as I let him see my nakedness, both figuratively and literally. The lights were on, there was no where to hide really, so I embraced his acceptance and his reminders when I unknowingly started to recoil. As he worshiped my body, as only he could (see "Ode to a Leg man"), and as he enhanced the freedom I so longed for in my heart and soul, I found a release. It was embarking on yet another transformation on this journey of mine. It was a new reality I so desperately longed for and I know few men can embrace a woman with this sort of freedom.

Over a week later we were actually talking about freedom via text…Mr Metaphor was out of town but we were heavy in deep discussion and a thorough mindfuck.  He said that the reason he felt free enough to kiss me the second he saw me in person was because of his own freedom. He went on to explain freedom is a life that is authentic and seeks to benefit others and he did it for me, for us. He’s been very liberating for me. He's so very special. He's a beautiful gift. One that keeps giving because a couple of nights ago, there was more intense discipline of vulnerability....

(to be continued tomorrow)

Just crawl

About a month ago a friend and I were discussing an article called "Four pieces of sex advice from a 98 year old woman."  And if you didn't guess already, yes, I want to be her when I grow up!  She has some frank wisdom, especially the last two pieces of advice and you can read them for yourself, here...

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/17/sex-advice-98-year-old-woman_n_3940366.html?ir=Divorce

 As we were discussing the article via email, I described my thoughts like this:

"To me great love and great sex both are about constantly submitting to the other persons’ wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well."

 This sounds so simple, both in sex and life/love, so why is it so difficult to put into practice?  I think if many people were honest, they would look and see that they are often self-serving in the beginnings of their friendships and relationships.  How many times have we been told that we should be asking “What’s in it for me?”  Then there are some people who only give so that they will receive...they totally miss being able to experience the joy within the act of sacrifice.  I would ask what do you have to offer?  What are you putting in?  What are you willing to put in?  Are you attempting to surrender yourself in a loving way?  Surely we have to be wise in whom we can trust, but you also have to have an attitude that ceases looking for problems.   It’s also common, especially with online dating and seemingly countless choices, it’s easy to get distracted by the next shiny object before you’ve let anything develop with the person you’re currently interested in.

Mrs. J, my therapist, told me she sees it time and time again …people quit a relationship before it ever really starts because of some stupid, insignificant reason!   I know we all have this unspoken list of deal-breakers whether we want to admit it or not!  I once talked to a man I enjoyed for weeks before we met in person and I thought we were going to hit it off well.  I had seen his shaded glasses in pictures before meeting but convinced myself his glasses were not HIM and I was being petty.  However when we met, the glasses reminded me of the ones pedophiles on news stories have worn in mugshots…I felt terrible, but I just couldn’t get past it.  Despite being very disappointed, I had to realize I was shallow but I know we all have those triggers.   

We also search for perfection, but let’s face it, we should know by now that we are all flawed.   Galway Kinnel said “Let our scars fall in love.”  I’ve always said this…”we all have flaws, you just have to find a particular set of flaws you can live with!”  Flaws can be really beautiful, actually, so give them a chance.  They make us unique, they are created by our experiences, both good and bad, they make us real.  If we are really seeking something authentic, we have to decide how many of those silly deal-breakers really matter in the grand scheme of life and throw out our rules in order to be fully in the moment.  There’s always going to be a certain level of risk…but the old saying is true, “nothing ventured, nothing gained!” 

From the book I am reading, “If the Buddha dated” she likes to use the phrase “crawling in love” versus “falling in love” which makes me envision a warm, cozy and safe place that I find comforting.   I love the way the author puts it:

“Crawling in love is different from falling in love, or in lust, because you stay connected to your intelligence.”   “When we craw in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting because our bond is based on a wide array of experiences, time together, familiarity, and the ability to talk over conflict.  Sex and love will flourish alongside the rich, warm feeling that comes from an enduring bond where people dwell in each other’s hearts.”

Is this a set of rules?  I think not, but I do believe its sound advice.  Acting upon it, however, requires me to attack my own thoughts, abandon rules and pretense, be aware of my insecurities,  be mindful of ‘what is’, stay connected to my intelligence, enjoy making sacrifices, let feelings flourish and just crawl.  

Throwing out "The Rules"

Anyone up for a bonfire?   Let's burn some rules, kick it old-school like in the 60s!  No, I’m not ready to get rid of the tools in my midlife dating toolbox, but I am embracing the need to get rid of "the rules". 

If you’ve been in the midlife dating game for very long and are a seeker of information like me, then you have read articles, maybe books too and searched online forums to find out what the hell we are all supposed to be doing.  Being that understanding the opposite sex is an age-old problem, even once you got past the whole “How do I get back out there?” question, you then have the “What did he really mean when he did or said X, Y and Z?”  Or for you male readers, “What is it she really wants from me?” 

In my online digging, I’ve unfortunately found that most advice is something that, at my inner core, goes totally against my gut.  I’m an open book, I mean, I’m the gal who will tell the lady checking me out at the register at Target anything about myself if its topical.  I am who I am, most of the time, or at least that is always my goal.  But since dating after divorce, I’ve found I occasionally have some insecurities that link me back to my days in college where I wonder incessantly what is really going on with my ‘crush’.  Of course, my goals were different then, but that may or may not matter in the grand scheme of things.  Lets be honest, no matter your age there’s nothing like the excitement of someone new to make you realize you can easily be turned into a horny and emotional teenager again.

Some of the icky things you will find if you go hunting are websites purely devoted to teaching men how to be pick-up artists and books telling women they will never get and keep a man if they aren’t a bitch to him, supposedly turning men into a mold-able pile of goo to do whatever you desire.   On top of that, there’s a whole system of who is the 1+ and the -1, which is a precarious balance of trying to make sure you are always the “One up” so you have the “one down” exactly where you want them.  Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 

I even was part of an online dating forum for mid-lifers that I stumbled upon when my short-but-too-serious-too-fast quasi-relationship started to end and I needed some male perspective.   Yes, I definitely found the advice there helpful as I began to really get some sea legs in the dating pond, but sometimes the advice was really bad.   Over time, though, I began to realize that the members there were a very specific and narrow-minded microcosm and being an open-minded gal,  I needed a much broader perspective.  There was a lot of talk about the above tactics, as well as, narrow thinking of who you had to be to attract the type of person you should be with.

The other night I was at a meetup group event.  The men and women ranged from late 20s to early 50s, most single, but a few married people too.  There was a subset of women huddling together throughout the night talking about their latest guy drama.  Ever the midlife-dating sociology student, the whole exchange intrigued me greatly.  If I had to wrap it all up, there were a few women who had given the man in question their “goodies” and then it all changed.  It didn’t matter how long they dated before the goodies were given, the results seemed to be the same …they weren’t texting, they weren’t calling so the women were doing what we do…over-analyzing every freaking possibility known to man.  When the men were brought into the conversation for advice, they said “sex is just sex to men” but there is something about the dynamics changing once that tension is relieved, the hunter has had his kill, (no matter how many more times he wants it again) that usher in a whole new set of complex rules!  

But what would happen if we threw all of those rules out?  What if we texted when we wanted to text (so long you aren’t texting at the rate of him needing to take out a restraining order)…or what if we said what we really felt or did what we really wanted?   Not in a selfish way, because when someone asked me for a definition about a month ago of both great love and amazing sex, I said “both are about constantly submitting to the other persons wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well.”

I guess we need to ask ourselves “Why date?  What is our goal?’  I would respond to that question different ways at different times over the past year and a half, as I’ve had different needs along the way.  However, my first answer is usually “I anticipate the joy of loving someone!”  And, I want to be loved too.  I’m pretty simple at the base as I care nothing about being wined and dined or traveling the world…I just want someone to sit with me on a quiet morning drinking coffee, to take a long walk with, share deep talks with, having rocking sex with, but mostly BE KNOWN.    

So why do we buy into all the trappings, ie rules of modern dating?  

   *You can’t say what you really feel until a certain amount of time has passed.  

     *You can’t be the first to text.  

        *You can’t ask a man out.  

           *You can’t let them meet your kids until one thing or the other happens.  

               *You can’t let them think you like them more than they like you.  

On and on and on the list goes, and that’s before you get to all of the rules surrounding proclamation of the “L word!”

Read this quote from the book, "If the Buddha Dated":

“Our longing is also our desire to be known completely.  Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you.  Imagine being able to do the same.  That is the potential of a conscious relationship.”

Wow!  Who doesn’t want that? 

So friends, anyone want to join me in a bonfire?  I’m making a conscious effort to throw all of “the rules”…It's a good thing my trash runs in a few hours because I'm pretty sure bonfires at my apartment building are against "the rules"!