Just crawl

About a month ago a friend and I were discussing an article called "Four pieces of sex advice from a 98 year old woman."  And if you didn't guess already, yes, I want to be her when I grow up!  She has some frank wisdom, especially the last two pieces of advice and you can read them for yourself, here...

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/17/sex-advice-98-year-old-woman_n_3940366.html?ir=Divorce

 As we were discussing the article via email, I described my thoughts like this:

"To me great love and great sex both are about constantly submitting to the other persons’ wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well."

 This sounds so simple, both in sex and life/love, so why is it so difficult to put into practice?  I think if many people were honest, they would look and see that they are often self-serving in the beginnings of their friendships and relationships.  How many times have we been told that we should be asking “What’s in it for me?”  Then there are some people who only give so that they will receive...they totally miss being able to experience the joy within the act of sacrifice.  I would ask what do you have to offer?  What are you putting in?  What are you willing to put in?  Are you attempting to surrender yourself in a loving way?  Surely we have to be wise in whom we can trust, but you also have to have an attitude that ceases looking for problems.   It’s also common, especially with online dating and seemingly countless choices, it’s easy to get distracted by the next shiny object before you’ve let anything develop with the person you’re currently interested in.

Mrs. J, my therapist, told me she sees it time and time again …people quit a relationship before it ever really starts because of some stupid, insignificant reason!   I know we all have this unspoken list of deal-breakers whether we want to admit it or not!  I once talked to a man I enjoyed for weeks before we met in person and I thought we were going to hit it off well.  I had seen his shaded glasses in pictures before meeting but convinced myself his glasses were not HIM and I was being petty.  However when we met, the glasses reminded me of the ones pedophiles on news stories have worn in mugshots…I felt terrible, but I just couldn’t get past it.  Despite being very disappointed, I had to realize I was shallow but I know we all have those triggers.   

We also search for perfection, but let’s face it, we should know by now that we are all flawed.   Galway Kinnel said “Let our scars fall in love.”  I’ve always said this…”we all have flaws, you just have to find a particular set of flaws you can live with!”  Flaws can be really beautiful, actually, so give them a chance.  They make us unique, they are created by our experiences, both good and bad, they make us real.  If we are really seeking something authentic, we have to decide how many of those silly deal-breakers really matter in the grand scheme of life and throw out our rules in order to be fully in the moment.  There’s always going to be a certain level of risk…but the old saying is true, “nothing ventured, nothing gained!” 

From the book I am reading, “If the Buddha dated” she likes to use the phrase “crawling in love” versus “falling in love” which makes me envision a warm, cozy and safe place that I find comforting.   I love the way the author puts it:

“Crawling in love is different from falling in love, or in lust, because you stay connected to your intelligence.”   “When we craw in love we are more likely to find the true fire of hearts meeting because our bond is based on a wide array of experiences, time together, familiarity, and the ability to talk over conflict.  Sex and love will flourish alongside the rich, warm feeling that comes from an enduring bond where people dwell in each other’s hearts.”

Is this a set of rules?  I think not, but I do believe its sound advice.  Acting upon it, however, requires me to attack my own thoughts, abandon rules and pretense, be aware of my insecurities,  be mindful of ‘what is’, stay connected to my intelligence, enjoy making sacrifices, let feelings flourish and just crawl.  

Throwing out "The Rules"

Anyone up for a bonfire?   Let's burn some rules, kick it old-school like in the 60s!  No, I’m not ready to get rid of the tools in my midlife dating toolbox, but I am embracing the need to get rid of "the rules". 

If you’ve been in the midlife dating game for very long and are a seeker of information like me, then you have read articles, maybe books too and searched online forums to find out what the hell we are all supposed to be doing.  Being that understanding the opposite sex is an age-old problem, even once you got past the whole “How do I get back out there?” question, you then have the “What did he really mean when he did or said X, Y and Z?”  Or for you male readers, “What is it she really wants from me?” 

In my online digging, I’ve unfortunately found that most advice is something that, at my inner core, goes totally against my gut.  I’m an open book, I mean, I’m the gal who will tell the lady checking me out at the register at Target anything about myself if its topical.  I am who I am, most of the time, or at least that is always my goal.  But since dating after divorce, I’ve found I occasionally have some insecurities that link me back to my days in college where I wonder incessantly what is really going on with my ‘crush’.  Of course, my goals were different then, but that may or may not matter in the grand scheme of things.  Lets be honest, no matter your age there’s nothing like the excitement of someone new to make you realize you can easily be turned into a horny and emotional teenager again.

Some of the icky things you will find if you go hunting are websites purely devoted to teaching men how to be pick-up artists and books telling women they will never get and keep a man if they aren’t a bitch to him, supposedly turning men into a mold-able pile of goo to do whatever you desire.   On top of that, there’s a whole system of who is the 1+ and the -1, which is a precarious balance of trying to make sure you are always the “One up” so you have the “one down” exactly where you want them.  Sweet Brown said it best, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 

I even was part of an online dating forum for mid-lifers that I stumbled upon when my short-but-too-serious-too-fast quasi-relationship started to end and I needed some male perspective.   Yes, I definitely found the advice there helpful as I began to really get some sea legs in the dating pond, but sometimes the advice was really bad.   Over time, though, I began to realize that the members there were a very specific and narrow-minded microcosm and being an open-minded gal,  I needed a much broader perspective.  There was a lot of talk about the above tactics, as well as, narrow thinking of who you had to be to attract the type of person you should be with.

The other night I was at a meetup group event.  The men and women ranged from late 20s to early 50s, most single, but a few married people too.  There was a subset of women huddling together throughout the night talking about their latest guy drama.  Ever the midlife-dating sociology student, the whole exchange intrigued me greatly.  If I had to wrap it all up, there were a few women who had given the man in question their “goodies” and then it all changed.  It didn’t matter how long they dated before the goodies were given, the results seemed to be the same …they weren’t texting, they weren’t calling so the women were doing what we do…over-analyzing every freaking possibility known to man.  When the men were brought into the conversation for advice, they said “sex is just sex to men” but there is something about the dynamics changing once that tension is relieved, the hunter has had his kill, (no matter how many more times he wants it again) that usher in a whole new set of complex rules!  

But what would happen if we threw all of those rules out?  What if we texted when we wanted to text (so long you aren’t texting at the rate of him needing to take out a restraining order)…or what if we said what we really felt or did what we really wanted?   Not in a selfish way, because when someone asked me for a definition about a month ago of both great love and amazing sex, I said “both are about constantly submitting to the other persons wants and needs.  If you are both doing this then you are both getting your own needs met as well.”

I guess we need to ask ourselves “Why date?  What is our goal?’  I would respond to that question different ways at different times over the past year and a half, as I’ve had different needs along the way.  However, my first answer is usually “I anticipate the joy of loving someone!”  And, I want to be loved too.  I’m pretty simple at the base as I care nothing about being wined and dined or traveling the world…I just want someone to sit with me on a quiet morning drinking coffee, to take a long walk with, share deep talks with, having rocking sex with, but mostly BE KNOWN.    

So why do we buy into all the trappings, ie rules of modern dating?  

   *You can’t say what you really feel until a certain amount of time has passed.  

     *You can’t be the first to text.  

        *You can’t ask a man out.  

           *You can’t let them meet your kids until one thing or the other happens.  

               *You can’t let them think you like them more than they like you.  

On and on and on the list goes, and that’s before you get to all of the rules surrounding proclamation of the “L word!”

Read this quote from the book, "If the Buddha Dated":

“Our longing is also our desire to be known completely.  Imagine having your beloved look tenderly into your eyes, knowing all your secrets, having seen you be crabby and sweet, selfish and generous, and still truly loving you.  Imagine being able to do the same.  That is the potential of a conscious relationship.”

Wow!  Who doesn’t want that? 

So friends, anyone want to join me in a bonfire?  I’m making a conscious effort to throw all of “the rules”…It's a good thing my trash runs in a few hours because I'm pretty sure bonfires at my apartment building are against "the rules"! 

Why buying the Cow was the biggest mistake of my youth

I’m a southern gal, I was raised in the “buck of the bible belt” by a wonderful mom.  My mom was sweet, honest, caring and well, naïve.  Any time I met any of the friends of her youth, they would tell me how innocent she always was, therefore it’s no wonder that she would attempt to raise me in much the same way. 

Additionally when I was young, my family found religion, so I was raised in the church and taught from both, my parents and church leaders, to save myself for marriage.  While it kept me naive, it didn't keep me altogether wholesome as I had my first REAL French kiss in the backseat of the church bus…gasp!  And I felt a penis for the first time in a car in the church parking lot…double gasp!  I have to laugh now…he stuck my hand down his pants, but I had NO idea what he wanted me to do with it!  Oops!

However, the “waiting until marriage” teaching somehow kept me from doing much more than first or second base throughout private high school and Bible college.  By the time I had met my husband, a popular book was taking Christian dating by storm. It suggested “courting”, and all of my friends were subscribing to its methods.  This included being friends first and only dating if you already felt you could marry the person, while the second tenant was not kissing until your wedding day.  I signed up for both of those ideals for SOME reason. 

So when my ex-husband and I started dating, I told him my “rules” and he agreed to it.  Needless to say, we had a very short courtship before getting engaged and then planned a wedding for less than six months later.  About a month after our engagement, we ACCIDENTALLY kissed!  While I loved kissing, I had a nagging dialog in the back of my head, followed by guilt.  We went another month without kissing and did it again, only this time there was a little more than kissing, but not too much. 

So went our whole engagement…back and forth between a few stolen moments of passion, then the guilt would follow, then we would make a promise not to "slip up" again.  We were rarely alone due to roommates, church groups and family events so that seemed to help keep us straight and distracted most of the time.   

Then we got married and while we had a great time sexually the first week or so, I soon learned we were not going to be one of those newlywed couples who were having sex every single day.  I had been a virgin (he was not) and guess what I found out about myself?  I love sex!  I had no idea I would love sex so much, but yeah, I did.  I thought it was the best thing in the world and I wanted it all the time!

And guess what else?  My new husband didn’t care much about sex at all.  In fact, it was fairly low on his priority list, falling down somewhere between clean laundry and organizing his wallet.  It wasn’t that he didn't find me attractive, or the sex we had wasn’t good (even if it was all I knew at the time)...I knew he did and I knew it was.  Actually, how we were as lovers seemed excellent compared to what my friends were saying about their own bedroom activities.  While in the throes of passion, he was giving and selfless much of the time, but having sex more than once a week was beyond what he expected of newlywed life.  I was ready to go any minute, any time, any place, so you can imagine this set me up for years of rejection, and also made me always the initiator, which to be honest just sucked! 

Now that I have talked to many men about their sexual experiences, and know that men find me desirable and beautiful despite my body flaws, I am now confident the lack of sex in our marriage had nothing to do with me.  I do know it was peculiar that my ex husband never "took care of himself" and admittedly, that is often the way I personally coped with his low libido.  Regardless of the reason, I have been able through the divorce, to free myself, to find ME!  The true sexual, authentic and sensual being that makes me, as my BFF puts it, the best kept secret around. 

So imagine, in my early 40s realizing that I now had sexual freedom that I had never experienced before!  Also imagine me having to go see my 28 year old doctor about birth control and safe sex (ok, that’s a whole other blog post.) And knowing how much I adore sex while also balancing the fact that I’m a mother and can’t go crazy! 

I have had an epiphany though, on one hand I feel it’s a blessing to have not known how much I liked sex when I was at a more impressionable age.  Imagine if I had known really what to do in the church parking lot...it might have set me on a course for some crazy teen years where I acted on my sexual appetite and ended up in a very different place in life.  I just might have been spared when I think of it in that way.  However, I was also frustrated, dissatisfied and probably grumpy too, through 20 years of a marriage with little-to-no sex.  The last year we were married we had sex 2 times, I would say even in our best years, we probably only got together 20 times a year…I’d like that much a month, please! 

So I have decided I will not teach my children in the way I was taught.  I will teach them that sex is one (wonderful) facet of a relationship that MUST be explored this part before marriage or a serious commitment.  Maybe they will listen, and if they don’t, that’s okay too…I believe in letting kids be themselves.  Regardless, encouraging my children to marry under a pretense that I fed them would never be something I considered a parental accomplishment.  I hope they will discover who they are far earlier in life that I did, regardless of what that means for their sex life.  

I’ve decided a few other things, too…I will never “buy the cow” before trying the milk…okay, well, I’m not sure I will ever buy another cow again, but I know I wouldn’t commit to any kind of relationship without trying the milk first.  Also, with my sexual appetite, there is no shortage of men who want a woman like me.  By the way, I’m not a big head-turner, but most men have related to me because they were also sexually deprived during the end or maybe even all of their own marriage, so we both have a goal to make up for lost time, too. 

Finally, I’ve learned through my own sexual journey that no two partners are the same, there’s a variable dairy case with different types of milk to try and thanks to a couple of key men, I’ve already found that I really do look great in thigh high nylons, although I’m not sure what they have to do with cows!