My Year in Review

Being the analytical gal that I am, I like numbers and facts and dates and data.  When it comes to relationships and dating, life is way more subjective than putting together the perfect formula for the man or woman of our dreams and riding off into the sunset.  As I say goodbye to 2013 not having found the love I was looking for, and forge ahead into 2014, I’ve taken an analytical look at my dating stats.

My little black book held 21 first dates this year.  The men have been as different as night and day, from executives to welders to PhDs, from the very attractive to not so much.  Despite their differences, in some ways, these men have been all the same…seems I have a knack for picking the wounded or emotionally unavailable, but I’m getting better!  In my quest to remain open-minded, I have had to cultivate when to say no, this won’t work or when to not grant a date in the first place.  Dating again in this day and age is a whole new learning curve and its okay to keep perfecting (and I use that word loosely) our game plan.

As I made a purposeful decision to throw out the rules to dating, I have learned so much about men and most importantly, me.  My friend Patrick always tells me after a dead-end date…”Just one step closer to the one you are supposed to be with.”  He’s right, you know.  Each date or man has taught me more of what I DO want and I’m getting better identifying the ones who won’t be good for me or to me. 

As you read below, remember, as you chuckle at their nicknames, they are not based solely on that one time meeting alone, but created from my oh-so-scientific-predate-data-gathering!   I want to share my adventures so you can learn along with me…and help you realize after a string of mismatches, there is always a lesson to be learned, my friends.  In no particular order, let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

”No Vibe”…Great conversation, but parted agreeing we weren’t a match.  However, while I imagined he was not sexual at all, I found out later through a text conversation where he was seeking advice, that he’s a crazy freak!  Lesson:  Even the kinkiest guys can be pickup-driving, conservative –hair-styling, buttoned-to-the-collar shirt-wearing wolves in sheep’s clothing.

”Bad-Breaker-Upper”  and I went out with three times.  We had a little chemistry, easy conversation and he wanted to date only one person.  However, he was too sensitive, which became abundantly obvious when I told him I didn’t want to see him again.  Lesson: If he’s more sensitive than a girl, he’s probably going to act like a drama queen when you tell him goodbye!

”Kissy Face” was the best kisser ever until that point and is as crazy about kissing as me.  But something seemed off…I explained it to myself that he’d been a bachelor for 9 years, alone too long.  Now that I’m wiser, I think I was ‘the other woman.”  Lesson:  Don’t make excuses for their lack of availability, odd communication patterns…they are likely hiding something…YOU!  

”Brit 2” was hands-down the most aloof man I’ve met.  During face-to-face time, he was all there.  Although he is very accomplished professionally, think absent-minded professor.  We did have a three hour kiss once that was super amazing…and he taught me about proper English nylons!  Lesson: Enjoy your time together, but aloofness will never leave you satisfied.

”2 Open 2 Soon” was the sexually confused trainwreck in my Sex and the City blog… ‘nuff said!   
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/my-real-life-episode-of-sex-and-city.html

”Square Peg” was super interesting with a wide range of interests that excited me.  He also shared a d*ck pic with me, unsolicited I assure you, yet had me in awe.  I mean, Ladies, we aren’t visual, but it was actually PRETTY…who knew?  However, we met in person and there was just nothing…it was the shortest date I’ve been on, I was literally watching the clock.  Lesson: Sometimes no matter how good a package looks, there’s just no way it’s worth unwrapping!

”BoyToy” is someone I definitely need to share with y’all.  I needed to focus on other things than finding love, so we agreed to a strictly physical relationship.  Being 12 years younger than I, he was all fun!  Lesson: It’s okay to take breaks on your quest for love…and there’s no shame doing so with a young stallion with unlimited libido and youthful stamina!

”Metaphor Man” was my Catalyst of Vulnerability as I have shared with you here.  I learned so much with him but as an “US”, we weren’t growing together.  Lesson:  Some people are there simply to prepare you for the next person, make your feel beautiful, open your mind to new thought and challenge you.

”Timid Tom” puzzled me…he guided me in purchasing my new car, similar values, decent chemistry and kisses, but he remarked he was intimidated by my confidence.  Lesson: If he has the nerve to tell you he’s afraid, he’s REALLY afraid…put him out of his misery and move on.

”Preppy Playboy” I met in a park for a walk.  He was obviously a professional skirt-chaser who never grew up and likely supported by his parents.  Lesson: Sometimes it just takes a couple of minutes to see obvious flaws…I have enough children to take care of, thank you very much!   

”The Farmer” was sweet and kind, yet despite a farmer’s masculinity, I felt he was just too soft for me.  Lesson: Even though I’m a nice girl looking for a nice guy in this crazy mixed-up world, there is such a thing as TOO nice!

”The VP” a good-looking, middle school vice principal (God bless his soul) who kept trying to convince me he was after more than just sex, which he never got, by the way.  Lesson: When you’re at a school event and your VP is looking important using his smart phone, it's probably not school business, he’s just sexting.

“Creature of the Night” was always just a little too secretive, wouldn’t share a photo, but an amazing communicator so I imagined he was just smart and excentric.  I was wrong!  He was awkward and socially creepy.  Lesson:  Some things are left better in the dark.

“The One who Ran Away” seemed like the love I had always wanted which induced a whirlwind romance.  He professed his love to me quite quickly, was planning our future lives together and then just disappeared.  No warning.  No explanation.  No disagreements.  He just left me a heart full of confusion and hurt.  Finally, FOUR months later, he had decided he wasn’t good enough for me. Lesson:  If they run right into your life, they might just run right out.  Going forward, I shall still be free to run, but I’ll wear high heels to slow down our pace.

“Dead Head” is named that because he has a very unusual career.  This was a set up/blind date, but He is younger without comparable life experience.   He did keep asking to be an FWB, but I was looking for a more, and not with him.  Lesson: Don’t settle for what you’re NOT looking for no matter how horny you might be!

“Turnip Truck” was FRESH off the marriage truck which I purposefully avoid.  He seemed harmless and a little lost so I agreed to meet.  I felt zero attraction in person and he kept telling me how disappointed he was that I would not grant him his first post-divorce kiss.  Lesson: Just say no to Rescue Dating!

“Fast Forward” and I met online one day and in person two days later for coffee.  He was instantly touchy-feely in the middle of Starbucks and planning our kids meeting.  Um, word to the men, never ever talk about meeting family on a first date…it freaks us out and keep your touching in check!  Lesson: Always meet in public places…I shudder to think if it had been more private.

“McDreamy” you met in “Exquisite Torture.”  The lesson remains, even torture is worthwhile sometimes.
http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/exquisite-torture-continued-from-over.html

“Good on Paper” is the man in this blog (http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-kind-of-man-is-he.html) and the lesson is one we can take from Latino culture.  They have a saying “Uno beso dice todo” which means “One kiss tells all”…and that my friends, is why if there any possibility of a second date by the end of a first one, go ahead and kiss him!

“Smarmy Guy” contacted me through a meetup group we were in and asked about a local bar.  It ended with us meeting at one the following day.  He was hilarious while he entertained everyone sitting near us at the bar…I hadn’t laughed that hard in ages.  In that situation, I couldn’t get a read on him, except I told him I thought he was just looking for a hookup.   A week later he texted me and asked me to watch him pleasure himself via skype.  Lesson:  Some dates ONLY make for good blogging…and yes, I admit to embracing some things purely for blog fodder!

That, my friends is my list, well, except for number 21.  He’s my happy little secret for now, but you’ll meet him eventually!  I’ll give you a little hint…he’s from the UK, but of a different flavor than my others.

 All of my dating has taught me so many wonderful things!  I have met some truly amazing men…just not the man I am to love.  I enjoy sharing my stories with you, but have many more to elaborate on.  Tell me in the comments which characters do you want to hear about next!   May we all continue to learn lessons as we search for our love in 2014, each step bringing up closer to the love our heart desires.  May we find just what we are looking for…no, scratch that…May we find a love that is above and beyond our wildest dreams! 

The Gift of Vulnerability (continued from Discipline of Vulnerability)

So a couple of nights ago, there was even more intense practice of vulnerability.  True vulnerability is all-encompassing.  You are opening up and welcoming someone into your mind, soul, heart and body… your fears and insecurities don’t suddenly vanish, but you have to purposefully ignore them, this is where the discipline comes in. 

“Staying [mindful] doesn’t preclude the euphoria of an inner tremor when your beloved comes through the door, or the pure joy of spending time together.  It means your excitement exists alongside your fears and vulnerability.”  ~Charlotte Kasl

The discipline also requires you opening up all facets of yourself.  I think many people have constructed a flight of stairs in revealing themselves to others.  If you pass this step, you can move on to the next and if you do okay with that one, then up you go.  Some people are equally cautious about new friends too, but most of us make friends go through a lot less than we do our romantic interests, yet can’t understand why suitors don't get past the first step or two.  I just wanted to be open, to invite Mr Metaphor in, and in him exploring me and my exploring and learning him, I am free to also learn a whole lot more about myself. 

It takes discipline to put aside your lists of expectations, your judgments and find a place of grace, acceptance and kindness.  This grace, acceptance and kindness must both be granted to the other person, and even moreso to yourself…after all, we are our worst critics.  To do this, you need to be able to “fire your reporters,” tell yourself even though it’s scary, it’s worthwhile….and remembers your scars can be beautiful to others. 

One way I am having to discipline myself is when Mr Metaphor is pointing out my beauty, not to instantly give a “yeah, but…” or rolling my eyes, etc.  It’s like when your friend compliments your newly decorated living room and you say “thank you, but” then start pointing out flaws, like the spot where they paint isn’t even, the lamp shade that needs a tiny repair, the picture is crooked and so on.  It’s quite possible that the flaws weren’t nearly as noticeable as we thought, or that they even enhanced the beauty…imperfection is always far more beautiful to me.  We need to be conscious and remind ourselves to stop those “yeah, buts” and eye-rolls, respecting our own beautiful imperfections. 

So what about physical vulnerability?  My single gal pals can’t believe I would have sex the first time with someone in daylight, or lots of light or that I would have all of my clothes off at the same time.  Despite being the “size of the average American woman” and having lost a good bit of weight to get here, my imperfections are impossible to hide.  I have plenty of hang-ups about my body.  But I don’t think they are any different than the hang-ups of my friends who are a size 2 or 8.  We all have them, but you know what I think?  I think the men who gaze at us usually don’t notice any of things we do…not even when fully exposed, completely naked, drenched in light where no flaw can hide.   While I have felt pretty comfortable in front of my past lovers, no one has made me more comfortable than Mr. Metaphor.  By asking me to strip away the brakes and open myself up to him, with the promise of no judgment, no expectations nor any limitations on his part, he’s given me this comfort and acceptance to be myself and it’s so freeing.  

The other night, ah, THAT lovely night…we were at his place and after initial pleasantries, exchanging a few kisses and catching up recent happenings, he was soon taking my clothes off and then his.  There were no thoughts of hurrying us to bed, no there is nothing rushed about a leg man, but this was our most intense exercise in physical vulnerability to date.  He is far better at all of this than I, and I love to let him lead with all of his erotic creativity.   We started out sitting on a lovely little couch facing each other, just talking…about us, about sensual things and about all kinds of things, actually.   He just caressed my body, even the parts I hate.  The discipline of eye contact is amazingly arousing… just to stare into each other’s eyes while touching and talking.  If I put my hand anywhere near me, he would tell me to stop covering.  If I put my knees together, he would remind me to be open.  Our body language is so often subconscious even when we have the best of intentions, and I welcome him to call me out on things I do not even realize I am doing.  I was completely vulnerable, so safe, yet in no way exploited or exposed, just completely free to be me in every single way…mind, body and soul.    

He sat against one end of the loveseat and I had my head at the other with my legs draped on his chest and shoulders while he just ran his hands up and down every part, with our eyes locked into each others.  Once I was relaxed and truly vulnerable within myself in every way, it felt amazing and although he thoroughly enjoyed feeling every single part of my body, he was giving me yet another beautiful gift.  This was not just the special gift of himself, but he was also giving me a beautiful gift of finding another part of me.    

 The amazing feeling of our bodies intertwining that followed, the giggles, the smiles, the moans, the pulsing, the collaboration, the giving, the receiving, the taking, the tastes, the fullness of fulfillment were all perfection within themselves, but the true gift, the true gift of what this special man is giving to me is the discipline of vulnerability.  

The Discipline of Vulnerability

About a month ago I decided to go back online on my quest to find someone special. I have to say, I really don’t like online dating sites…I feel too often every profile looks the same. Sure, the individual men look different, bad pictures and all, but when you start reading the profiles there's an obvious and frequent lack of substance. Eventually everyone sounds the same…”I am looking for a girl who can feel comfortable in jeans and ball cap but wear high heels for a night on the town. I love the outdoors and camping and blah and blah and blah.” Most of these guys haven’t been camping since 1987!

I hadn’t been on a dating site since March, but soon enough, my phone was blowing up with messages from the site. However, the authenticity I both offer and desire from a match seemed nowhere to be found. Message after message didn’t have more originality than “Hi” or “Hi Sexy” or “You’re Hot!” Punctuation excluded.  But I happened upon a profile with an intriguing name and was instantly intrigued because this man was actually original, transparent and owned his shit. In fact, he had a long list of his lesser qualities which he just owned up to right in his profile. Most women would instantly be turned off by that…not necessarily because his list of faults were shocking but because how many people really do want someone being real with them when they seem convinced they have to polish up their own image in order to find the right person? I venture to say if you could get daters to give you the unadulterated truth, they would say they are looking for perfection, all the while forgetting how imperfect they are themselves.

"Mr Metaphor" was transparent from the start. In fact, he is also a writer and put a link to his site right in his dating profile…how refreshing! Really, him owning all of his shit right there from the start hit my first button. Being that he was a blog writer and loved to discuss theology without being religious, hit my next buttons. I sent him a message offering him a theological discussion and promising I wasn't a Bible thumper. It’s the only message I initiated. He replied back in short order and we began messaging back and forth that Friday night. By Saturday morning, I gave him my phone number and haven’t been back to the dating site since.

All day and evening on Saturday we texted up a storm…he was engaging, open, challenging and not so quick to get to the topic of sex like most men. Don't get me wrong, There was flirting and some banter, but also such probing questions that we ended up skipping over all the general ones you ask first…in fact, I’m still not sure we’ve covered all of those. Saturday night we talked on the phone for over an hour, (he has a great voice) we both admittedly hate being on the phone, yet still managed to have a good conversation absent of those awkward pregnant pauses I hate. We said goodnight and I was feeling excited but also thinking there was no way I could find someone that I clicked with after only a couple of hours being back on a dating site. He called it "Potentially once-in-a-lifetime."

It just so happened that the next day he was leaving town for 2.5 weeks. Before getting back online, I had been doing some heavy duty coaching with myself that I was not going to get sucked into playing a bunch of games. I was going to try really hard to embrace what came my way by abandoning pretense and also staying true to my number one mantra...that all of my dating experiences, teach me something positive or at the very least, make for good blogging!

So I invited him over. To my apartment. I realized I had a few hours home alone, (which hardly ever happens on a weekend). I never do that. I was motivated to do so because I didn't want to talk for three weeks really like him, only to find out that there was no spark in person. I've been there and done that and am trying hard not to start that tshirt collection.

I had read some of his blog and let him read mine…however, since my blog is all about dating, I sorta gave him a cheat sheet inside my brain. He knew the "first date, first base" rule from reading here. He knew all my little tricks should I suddenly put gum in my mouth or grab my purse. But he asked me something before he arrived and again when he got here. Would I be willing to take off my brakes? I love learning about myself and others…and honestly, I love being pushed just a little out past my limits. Mr Metaphor is very intuitive so I’m sure he surmised this about me.

Plenty of chemistry, connection, passion or whatever you like to call it had been building because I was so attracted to his mind. He walked in the door and he kissed me. Right then…”Hello” and then we shared not a peck, but a deep and telling kiss. Inwardly I was thinking…”well, that’s a new experience!” We sat down, we talked, we found ourselves laying in bed talking, still clothed but slowly, I was throwing off the brakes, er rules, that had so carefully been placed around me in my attempts to hide my fears and keep my heart safe. Somehow, for a reason I can’t possibly explain to even myself, he made me feel safe. He was transparent in so many ways, it was damn sexy to the point of almost being erotic to me...and how freeing to not have to play by rules! He asked me for honesty, transparency, openness, authenticity and yes, vulnerability. I know you are thinking he didn’t have the right to ask me this…he surely hadn’t known me long enough to earn it. But, if I strive to be honest, transparent, open, authentic and vulnerable in every other aspect of my life, why would I treat dating and my attempts at finding someone special any different at all.

A lot of people can’t handle someone as open as me…I’ve even had good friends tell me it was too much for them and pull away. So trying to hide behind “the rules” or the carefully crafted boundaries and safety nets I had been convinced I needed was really betraying my authentic self. While by virtue of time alone, maybe Mr Metaphor man hadn’t "earned" those things, however by his simple invitation to be who I really am, without judgment or expectations, without him gawking at my exposure and exploiting it, he had earned my trust.

I continued to take another journey with him that day as I let him see my nakedness, both figuratively and literally. The lights were on, there was no where to hide really, so I embraced his acceptance and his reminders when I unknowingly started to recoil. As he worshiped my body, as only he could (see "Ode to a Leg man"), and as he enhanced the freedom I so longed for in my heart and soul, I found a release. It was embarking on yet another transformation on this journey of mine. It was a new reality I so desperately longed for and I know few men can embrace a woman with this sort of freedom.

Over a week later we were actually talking about freedom via text…Mr Metaphor was out of town but we were heavy in deep discussion and a thorough mindfuck.  He said that the reason he felt free enough to kiss me the second he saw me in person was because of his own freedom. He went on to explain freedom is a life that is authentic and seeks to benefit others and he did it for me, for us. He’s been very liberating for me. He's so very special. He's a beautiful gift. One that keeps giving because a couple of nights ago, there was more intense discipline of vulnerability....

(to be continued tomorrow)

Skin on Skin

Ah…is there anything better?  I’m not even talking about the sensation of purely sexual contact but more full body embraces, cuddles, hugs, spooning.  Ah!

I think one of things I miss most about being single is the lack of hugs, little touches and of course, kisses.  Don’t get me wrong, there was none of that for the last few years of my marriage aside from my ex-husbands’ obligatory kiss on the cheek when he left for work, which eventually irritated me.  And even one thing I admittedly miss about church is all of the hugging that goes on.  I do still get some daily hugs since I am fortunate that at least my youngest kiddo hasn’t gotten to the “it’s not cool to hug mom at this age” stage, but while kid and friend touch feels amazing, it is still vastly different from the touch of a man.    

I find deep hugs, smoldering kisses and full body embraces far more intimate that just the act of sex itself and possibly more satisfying.  Both Tantric sex and the practices of the Kama Sutra include this as part of their instructions because it increases arousal, desire and intimacy.  They include this sort of touch both before and after the act of intercourse itself, sign me up!  Skin on Skin hugging could easily become my drug of choice…I might even give up my current one for it…coffee. 

On a scientific level, hugging releases oxytocin and is nicknamed “the most amazing molecule in the world” and the “love molecule.”   Oxytocin can be released through hugging, hand-shaking, bodily contact of any kind and it floods our bodies during orgasm.  Do you know what amazing things it can do for us?  It is a diet aid, antidepressant, reduces stress by reducing cortisol and blood pressure, as well as decreases pain.  It is shown to improve several functions of the GI tract and increases digestion.  It also helps women during Labor and Delivery and is released during breast feeding.  Emotionally, it induces optimism, increases self-esteem, builds trust and decreases social anxiety. 

In reference to partners, It increases the desire for couples to gaze at each other (that would explain a LOT), creates arousal and maintains erections.  It’s like the sexual aid that keeps on giving back to itself.  One of the most interesting studies they’ve done on Oxytocin is that it increases generosity…by up to 80%!  They were referring to generosity of material things or giving someone a helping hand, but back to my definition of great love and sex as defined by both submitting to each other, a different act of generosity, isn’t oxytocin bound to make us better lovers and better people?  It all comes full circle.  One article I read said it makes us human.

For me, lying naked in the arms of a special man, embracing so completely you can’t get enough of him, feeling his warm breath in my ear, being together in the most vulnerable way possible…skin on skin… is both simply and breathtakingly beautiful.  It brings fulfilling joy that very well might make me become addicted to skin on skin. 

An Ode to the Leg Man

Well, not an Ode exactly because I’m not a poet, we’ll just call it a tribute!   As you know, based on my “purely anecdotal research”, I believe there are broad-based personality traits that accompany a breast man, leg man and ass man.  You can read more about my theories here: http://datingaftervirginityanddivorce.blogspot.com/2013/09/what-kind-of-man-is-he.html

As I stated before, I really needed to have the opportunity to be with another leg man, preferably one who wasn’t British and I finally got my chance.  And you know what I figured out?  I’m a leg-man girl, I mean woman!  It’s not that I don’t completely enjoy being with the Alpha Ass-man, I do.  But if some cosmic force made me choose between a leg man, ass man or breast man for the rest of my life, there’s no question how it would play out.   I would scoff at the thought of being with a breast man the rest of my life…in fact, as much as I like sex, I might become celibate!   Choosing an ass man would be a great option, but from my own personal experience, they like the ‘quick and dirty’ and are more men of action than words which definitely have its place.  Undoubtedly,  I would proudly, excitedly and confidently choose the leg man! 

My recent leg man did amazing things to my body, from head to toe, from hip to hip, from ear to ear, my whole body.  He didn’t just check off the usual actions to get what he ultimately wants, but instead, lavished his touch all over me.   I felt worshipped, I felt all my body flaws were completely unnoticed, I felt beautiful and I felt the most relaxed I’d ever felt with someone the first time I’d been with them.  

I’ve often described that the feeling of being with a leg man is the same for me as that feeling after you’ve had a massage at a nice spa.   You know that calm, quiet, warm, relaxed feeling when the therapist leaves the room…that’s how I feel while I’m with a leg man.  A leg man knows how to seduce my mind far before he starts to seduce my body…and that my friends, is a REAL man!  The relaxation I find is not just from the way he touches me, or knows my mind, it’s also the joy of doing things I enjoy doing to him, getting to know his body, his turn-ons and the collaboration of our creativity in exploring each other.  

It’s like poetry in motion, a beautiful storm, a flight of freedom, a safe place to just BE.  It’s being touched mind and body by a leg man.

Sex and Spice and everything nice

I had only tried Indian food one time before I met Catalyst.  I went with one of my friends who is a vegetarian figuring she would know all about I but it turned out that it was her first time too, so we ate some mighty tasty spicy food that we had no idea how to pronounce or interprets!  Even before “meeting” Catalyst in person, he talked about curry coma’s and naan bread so much that I found myself going to the Indian restaurant just so I could have a point of reference.  I would get stuff off the buffet, text him a picture and he would tell me about it with great flourish and detail.   I even got invited to a birthday dinner to a upscale Indian restaurant…he was so kind to look online at the menu and help me place my order.  That was quite a day, now that I recall…not only furthering my Indian food education, but the beginning of so much more for us. 

We texted about everything and yes, we started texting loads about sex too.  We talked about our past experiences, both good and bad.  His ex-wife had been a lot more adventurous than my ex, so he would share about things I’d never heard anyone talk about and sadly, how he had only received one blow job that ended terribly and never had another.  We talked about what we liked and didn’t like or would like to experience.  We talked about safe sex and getting tested for STD’s, birth control and more. 

Eventually, we even sexted…in fact, the first time we did was the very day of that birthday dinner.  It all started when I mentioned that I was going to read a book that everyone was talking about called “50 Shades of Grey.”  He said he had just gone to lunch with folks from work and they were talking about it.  At this point, I genuinely had no idea what the book was about, but he had learned on his lunch break and there, started our natural flow of conversation that led to my first experiences in sexting.  I was noticeably hot and bothered during that birthday dinner because we just couldn’t stop the naughty talk.  If only those gals knew why I was so attached to my phone that day, even I would have been blushing!  Although it was all new to actually type some of THOSE words, it felt exhilarating, freeing and honestly, natural somehow.

  There seems to be a lot of misconceptions about what sexting is and is not, and I supposed it can be different for each person.  For me, it is talking about what you wish you were doing to your guy and him in turn, talking about what he wishes he was doing to you.  Sometimes it ends with mutual satisfaction, sometimes not.  For some reason, sexting is just a little,well, a lot more exciting when you know at least one of you is in a crowded place or meeting, etc.  We’ve heard a lot about “sexting” recently because of Anthony Weiner.  However, they’ve only mentioned sending pictures and being that women aren’t visually stimulated for the most part (no, guys, pictures of your finer parts do not make us want to instantly jump you), I find this to be a very incomplete definition.    Regardless of the definition, everyone should give it a try with your significant other…”try it Mikie, you might like it!”

Finally the day came where Catalyst and I were both ready to make all those fantasies a reality, or something to that effect!  The good point of sexting before actually being with someone new is, you get a fairly good idea of what they really like and what might be a turn off to them.   For instance, I knew what had went wrong with that BJ (too much teeth) and wanted nothing more than to change his negative experience into a positive one. 

Both of us took off from work to have our first time together.   As soon as my kids were on the bus, I drove about an hour to his apartment.  I was so excited, so nervous, but yeah, more excited than anything else.  Okay that’s not totally it, after weeks of sexting  I was also horny, really horny. 

From our sexting, I knew Catalyst liked bra and panties but not necessarily lingerie, so I had bought a very sexy lacy pair of panties and a lacy bra.  It’s funny when you know you are PLANNING to have sex…especially when it will always go down in your history book.  Remember this was my first time post-divorce and second person ever, so there was some pressure building!  

Well, we did a quick little introduction, we were still standing just inside the doorway.  Catalyst gently grabbed my face started kissing me and I believe that it was maybe 4 minutes before he was approving of my lacy undergarments!  Remember it was just 9am…and being a bachelor, he had blinds but not curtains, so it was complete daylight!  There was no way to hide my lumps and bulges, the signs of gravity, all of the imperfection…yikes!   Lucky for us ladies, men have a tell-tale physical sign of their approval, so there’s no second guessing there…whew.  I did have to learn that when a Brit says “Nice” it’s not the same as an American one.  Nice is the kiss-of-death from an American man, but for a reserved Englishman, it means “wOwZer!”  But they would never say that. 

I won’t go through all the explicit details, but it was way better than my honeymoon…way better than even my best experience with my ex-husband…way better than any of that sexting and so much better than I had imagined.   Yes we did a lot of things we had talked about…he introduced me to new physical experiences guaranteed to be added to my repertoire…so again in another way, ever earning the moniker “Catalyst!”

Can we say SEVENTEEN ORGASMS?  Well I probably couldn’t when he got finished with me.  It was like something hidden away for so many years, broke inside of me.  Now, my ex-husband was good to me…I always got one, maybe two orgasms on occasions.  But let me just say, he could never find the g-spot, although I’m pretty sure if I had put a field goal pole there he might have tried harder but nope, he was never patient enough to really try.  However, Catalyst knew just where to find me, he knew just where to touch me, he knew just where to put his hands, use his mouth, make me feel every bit as sexual as I always knew I was and he made orgasms roll out of me over and over again.  I had no idea my body could even respond that way!   

After three hours of intense pleasure, we had to do what any reasonable, curry-loving, post-orgasmic people would do.  We took a break and went to the Indian restaurant.   I sat across from him, enjoying our food, listening to him tell me more about what I was eating, all the while wondering if the other people in the restaurant could see any signs of what had just happened to me.   Could anyone else see that I had just had this life-changing sexual experience?  Did anyone look at my messed up makeup and semi-mussed hair and then give Catalyst a knowing glance or thumbs up?  Wait…what did Catalyst just say about Dahl?   My mind was mush.

Catalyst had coined a term “curry coma” for that endorphine release you feel after eating very spicy food.  We got back to his apartment and lay on the bed…content.   But before we left our happy little bubble where he would return to work and I would go back to suburbia and mommy world, we just had to have more of each other.   There was more kissing, more touching, more all-things-oral, more completion of pleasure and more contentment for both of us. 

I drove home in a blissful daze, giggling and smiling all along the way.  I sat on my own couch with my mind and body completely exhausted in the best way possible.  I don’t remember a lot more about the rest of the day, but I do know this…now every time I have sex, I have this overwhelming and certain craving for Indian food. 

 I’ll admit I’m addicted…to curry, that is, okay and maybe earth-shattering orgasms too!  If only those were as easy to acquire as good Tikka Masala!