How I learned to use a condom from a cute, happening, 28 year-old blonde chick

After my first date was under my belt and I continued to see Catalyst, I started to think about having sex again!  Honestly, despite my high drive, because I wasn’t looking to date when I stumbled upon Catalyst, I had not given it much thought.  But here it was, staring me in the face!  When you’ve only been with one person and you’re going to have sex with someone new after 20 years of the same ole thing, you can have some odd thoughts.  There’s the crazy things like, “Does everyone do it basically the same?  I mean, my husband taught me all I knew, what if he didn’t teach me right?  What if my best move with my ex is actually laughable to someone else?  He taught me how to do a blow job, too, what if the way I do it is a turn off to another guy?  How covered up can I stay the first time I have sex with him?  Do I really have to let him see me completely naked?  Will he laugh?  Will he be sorry?  Will he just not care?  Will he be one of those men I’ve heard about and its over in 10 minutes?  Would that be a good thing or a bad thing?  Men our age have plumbing problems, what will I do with that little surprise?  What will it be like to have sex with a condom on?  Wait, I could possibly get pregnant with someone with different swimmers?  What I am going to do about birth control?  Oh dear, STDs are pretty high among folks our age, what is it I have to do about that again?”

I live in a close facsimile to a “Stepfordville” community.  I knew I could find out about birth control from my friends, but they had all been married for almost as long as I have and none of us know anything about today’s safe sex.   When I got married in the early 90s, we were just learning about STD’s, especially ones like AIDS.  I mean, some of them have been around forever, but those were only for the promiscuous and I certainly didn’t fit that category.  In fact, they were still trying to figure out if you get AIDS from kissing when I was walking down the aisle.   As you may know, I was a virgin, I trusted my husband and I never had to give safe sex a single thought.  Fertility did not run in my family so I never even prevented pregnancy…like ever!   (Sidebar…anyone else hear Taylor Swift when you see the phrase “Like Ever?”)

So I decided to go see my a happening, young blonde chic I knew who could “help a sista out.”  I scheduled an appointment with my cute, perky, YOUNG doctor…it was time for an annual checkup anyway, kill two birds with one stone as a bonus, great!  Let me just say, with all this positive change in my life, I was glowing!  I had lost weight, I was finding myself, I was having a blast with Catalyst, I was woman—hear me roar and I could light up a room.   So Dr A walks into the exam room and says “Whoa…what happened to you?  You’re radiant!”  I told her I had gotten a divorce since I had last seen her (I’m one of those go-to-the-dr-once-a-year types) and she immediately changes her bright smile to a serious face.  She then said “I’m sorry!”  I said, “No,no, no it’s a good thing, that’s why I look this way!”  She then said “You lost 200 pounds of dead weight?”  EXACTLY! 

She does her thing…All the normal things like checking skin, listening to my chest and then all the somewhat embarrassing lady-part things that you have you to give yourself a pep-talk through.  Once I’m no longer spread eagle, trying to pretend that the little paper gown does anything at all and regain my composure, I tell her I really need some guidance.  I explain I am hoping to have sex with my new friend and I have no idea what to do about safety or birth control.  Dr A was so funny, she literally jumped up and down with excitement, like five or six times even!  Who knew doctors could have that much cuteness and personality?

She gives me my birth control options, a prescription, a talk on safety, a little how-to education and leaves the room.  Let me also share with you that I went to a private school. ..An independent Baptist one and not so much because my parents were as strict as the school was, but because it was cheap for a private school.  We had a rather rotund headmaster who made it the rule that guys and gals had “To stand as far apart from each other as Brother B**** is wide!”  So I wasn’t even afforded the awkward safe sex talk in high school, in fact I’m not even sure those people knew that people have sex.  But that was a whole host of scientific knowledge ago, so it wouldn’t matter now anyway, although I would have loved to have seen them put a condom on a banana!   So here I was, getting my first thorough sex talk at 40-something.  And although, I’m the friend that everyone sends the dirty jokes to that they wouldn’t share with anyone else, I’m  also the friend that is known for saying something totally unexpected and sexual, and I’m the open book person, even I was slightly embarrassed! 

After talking, she even convinced me I should get tested for STD’s just in case my husband had done anything I didn’t know about, which I agreed to do.  After I get dressed and ready to leave Dr A’s office, I see her in the hallway.  She has a huge grin on her face and says “Now you have a GREAT time and don’t do anything I wouldn’t’ do…oh, who am I kidding?”

And that’s how I learned to use a condom from a cute, happening, 28 year-old blonde chick, minus the banana!  

Oh my...First date in TWENTY years!

Okay, there is nothing like the pressure of having your FIRST DATE in TWENTY YEARS!  I was definitely more nervous than my first date as a teenager...in fact, I'm not sure I even remember it.  Dating has changed a lot in twenty years and at this age, we know we are all flawed.  We are no longer wearing the rose-colored glasses looking for someone "perfect" for us because we have battles scars and we know that doesn't exist. 

My first date was with a wonderful British man whom I will call "The Catalyst."  When we met, I had been single again for about eight months.  Although I had taken a peek at online dating sites , it just seemed like all the profiles were the same, so how I found the Catalyst was really quite funny.  I went on to craigslist to look for a desk, because I was finally ready to get rid of the craft table I had been using to run my busy home business.  I decided it was time to get serious which didn’t last long, because I'm easily distracted!  So after not finding much in the furniture section, I happened to see the personals and that is where it all began.

If I knew before this that craigslist had personals, I had forgotten.  I decided to take a peek and honestly, I figured the ads would be sparse or very outdated because there's so many dating sites...why would anyone go THERE looking for love?  But I peeked and I 'bravely' went to the strictly platonic section!  There was an ad that caught my eye where a man said he was just looking for someone to talk to and email throughout the day.  As you all may have figured out, you turn off your availability and flirting signal during your marriage, so I was about to enter a whole new world.  I had NO idea if I could still be charming or flirtatious and thought maybe answering this ad was a good way to figure out how to talk to men again. 

The catalyst answered back right away and I think that first day, we exchanged 42 emails or something.  There was great conversation from the start.  The reason I call him the Catalyst (and yes, he knows that will always be his place in my life) is that he helped me so much in forming my thoughts on getting married again (no likely to happen), how my beliefs in God had changed (I’m a Diest), dating and sex (because I really like it) and hell, we just talked about any and everything...a lot!  Besides that great British dry wit, he is smart, sees below the surface in all sorts of settings, and a foodie!  There was never a lack of things to talk about and even though I had already started to find ME again and was loving being in a position to reinvent myself, our talks really made me a better person and a better version of me. 

Now, some of you get so stuck on the physical (although I’m extremely sexual, that's not what I mean) that you won’t understand this, but we never exchanged pictures.  After ten days of emailing countless times a day, we moved to texting (and yes, I'll admit it now, sexting, too!)  Finally, after a month, we decided to meet for the first time!  We knew each other so well by then, but still no pictures.  Of course, throughout our talks we had mentioned things about our appearance so maybe we had some vague idea of what we might look like, but we didn't know for sure. 

As SOON as the date was scheduled...about five days before the actual dinner, my girlfriends and I began to plan!  There were visits to the hair salon, the nail salon and pow-wows on what to wear!  Because the girls didn't agree on the outfit, it went to texting pictures to other friends and getting them to vote on which dress to wear...it was fun, but it was an 'ordeal!"  I do know, the catalyst had been on a couple of other dates since being single himself and he bought a new shirt to wear that night, but I also know he had NO idea how monumental it is to a woman to be on a date for the first time in 20 years! 

The night of the date, my BFF came over to help me get ready and by the time she and the sitter (also a friend) waved to me as I drove down the driveway, I felt like I was going to prom!  I had a big bundle of nerves and excitement turning in my stomach and I think I was probably shaking a little inside too.  I'm not a nervous nelly in most circumstances but I was so worried, after a whole month invested, that maybe it would be a disaster in person! 

We pulled up at the same time and honestly, he looked much the way I imagined him but he was also someone I would have passed on the street unnoticed.  The Catalyst has beautiful blue eyes, however, the WHOLE attraction I had with him from the start was the mindf*ck!   Guys, the real way to get to a quality woman (and quite possibly into her pants) is to take the time to explore her mind, her thoughts, her values and so forth...THIS is a mindf*ck! 

I was quite worried that perhaps we wouldn't have that ability in person.  I was wrong!  We went to an Indian restaurant because the Catalyst introduced me to Indian food by talking about it in emails and I started trying things and fell in love with it!  But let me tell you that although the food was almost as excellent as our conversation, we had chemistry like I have never felt before.  In fact, upon return visits to this restaurant, which I had only gone to twice before, the waiter remembered the crazy chemistry...it was that noticeable!  So for three hours we sat in that booth talking about a zillion things and at times, we didn't talk at all, we caught each other’s eyes and just stared, getting off track mid-sentence. 

Then we moved to an outside pub and sat side by side for another three hours, talking and laughing and even tearing up sharing some deep stuff.  As you may now, I have a rule...first date/first base only, which I am upfront about with men before we meet.  So there was sweet hand holding and then after six hours and realizing it was very late, we had to say goodnight.  He walked me to my car and he had told me numerous times that he would be nervous to make a move so I wasn’t sure if he would kiss me or not.  He did and we kissed for a bit despite college kids coming and going to the bar around us, joking that someone would probably video it with their phones and put it on youtube saying "Ew...look at these two old people making out!" 

As I drove away I wasn't on cloud 9, I was on cloud 87!  It couldn't have gone better.  On top of the amazing connection we had, I lived through my first date in 20 years.  As corny as it sounds (and I promise I am not that girl), it was magical and I still don't have a desk...I never did go back to craigslist to look for one...imagine that!