On being Badass

We probably all define being badass differently...and what would be badass for one person may be a normal everyday occurance to another.  The urban dictionary says "A Badass is A person who defines supreme confidance." 

One thing you should know about me is that I am a calm and serene person…well, when my children allow me to be, anyway.   A couple of months ago, I had an opportunity to be badass.  Well, Okay, I wasn’t badass from the start but I went back to seize my opportunity. 

My daughter asked me to take her to a nearby sporting goods store.  I’d much rather go to Sephora or Ulta, but my naturally beautiful tomboy wouldn’t be caught dead there, unless shopping for me.  So we are at the store and she’s leading me around checking on all the things she wants to see.  We get to the back, near the shoe department and I see an attractive man my age waiting on another customer…he notices me and holds his eye contact a little too long, losing track of what the customer was saying.   Its always a boost seeing that you distract someone.

My daughter and I kept looking around and a couple of minutes later, Sporty comes over to me and asks if we need anything.  I explain that my daughter has money she is desperately trying to find something to spend it on.  We start talking and we talk and talk and talk.  My girl is known as the matchmaker of her school…she’s been this way for ages.  I’ve asked her before why she doesn’t set me and up and she laughs and says “Mom, I couldn’t possibly know any men YOUR age!”  But her skills helped her realize that sporty and I were flirting and hitting it off, so ever the dutiful matchmaker, she tried clothes on and “looked” around for a half hour while we were chatting. 

Finally, when she exasperated her stalling techniques and could waste no more time, we made her purchase and left.  Sporty and I part with a lingering look in each other’s eyes and saying how great it was to chat.  During the course of our chat I found out he hadn’t dated anyone seriously in 8 months, he had two kids in similar age, he was just three years younger than me , this was his second job and he got off in two hours.

As I got in the car I was wishing I had the guts to give a man my number.  I have NEVER done that and I honestly wasn’t even sure how women go about it.  Of course, I wish he had asked for it, too,  but dutifully gave my mind a bunch of reasons why he wouldn’t have asked anyway (he was at work and could get in trouble, he thought it inappropriate in from of my daughter, etc.) 

We ran a couple more errands and I couldn’t stop thinking about wishing I had given him my number.  I told my daughter and she volunteered to go back and give it to him, but I felt that spineless and declined her offer. I went home and thought about it some more.  The clock was ticking away…it was 40 minutes until he got off work and I suddenly found myself back in my car driving to the sporting goods store.

I have to admit I looked good…I had on a hip, purple sweater, dark grey leggings that make my ass look amazing and my high-knee, high-heeled boots.   High heels make me feel strong, invincible, sexy, bad-ass.  I love them!  And I was having a good hair day.  In other words, I was on my a-game!

I grabbed one of my business cards and walked in the door.  It’s a big box store…the shoe department is at the back of the store, down the very long center aisle.  I entered the store, my heels clacking powerfully along.  Sporty was just putting something down, right in the center of the shoe department and looked up and saw me.   He stared a minute, I smiled big, he smiled big and then he came walking towards me until we met.

When we joined up, here’s how it went…

Sporty:  “Did you forget something or did she decide what she wanted?” 

Me:  “I did forget something…and I have never ever done this before, but I forgot to give you my number!”  “I’m at a time in my life where I don’t want to have any regrets and I thought I might if I didn’t give you my number.  Maybe we can grab coffee sometime, if you’d like.”

Sporty:  “I like coffee, that would be nice.”

Sporty:  “I’m Sporty, by the way, your name is Leah (looking at my card?)  It’s been so nice to talk to you today.”

Me: “I felt the same.  So, if you’re interested in talking more, please text or give me a call sometime.”

Sporty: “I will do that!”

Me: “Okay, I look forward to it.  Hope you have a great evening!”

Sporty: “You too!”

And scene….

Only I got to walk powerfully back down that long center aisle while he undoubtedly stared at my ass!  I felt the most exhilarated I’ve felt in the longest time!  And of course, I immediately knew it was blog worthy.  

 And I wished I had been video-taped…I was THAT proud of myself!

Now, the thing about me is that although I felt SO confident, independent for going after what I want, I do like the man to lead in every way.  I’m traditional at the heart…and I have to be the leader of all the other aspects of my life, so its nice to let someone else take this department. 

As it turned out, sporty and I ran into each other a couple days later at a restaurant and spent about 20 minutes chatting.  He texted a couple days later and then a couple weeks after that but by then I had met my current guy and wasn’t interested.  Honestly, after those 20 minutes I realized he was probably too soft for me anyway, but nothing can change anything about how great it felt to be badass! 

Boy Toy and the Tune-up! (continued from Boy Toy Joy)

After my thorough typical investigation, including checking up on him with a mutual friend, Boy Toy and I decided to give this FWB thing a go.  Boy Toy did not disappoint…juicy soft lips, big strapping man and by big, yeah I mean thick…in a good kind of way.  He also had a strong libido coupled with youthful stamina which meant little recuperation before we could go again.  While Boy Toy and I usually spent at least a couple hours together, I have said I’ve yet to meet anyone that can give me enough sex to where I am actually okay with stopping for the day, but he was close.  No, I’m not a nymphomaniac…well, at least I don’t think I am.  I’ve just years of lost time to make up! 

As a case in point, according to the Kinsey Institute, the ‘average’ woman my age (even one who didn’t have sex until age 23), should have had sex around 1808 times.  Oh how I wish…actually, I wish it were more!  I’ve done a rough estimate using their age ranges and estimates based on my marriage which likely resulted in 514 rolls in the hay.   I’m pretty sure that number is VERY generous…It didn’t feel like anywhere near that number even over 19 years.  Since I’ve been single, I’ve had a roll in the hay 34 times…yep, just 36 and NO that is not with 36 different men…not even close!  Thankfully, the men have been good to me and I’ve more than quadrupled that if I were counting orgasms.  So any of you who wonder why I am still insatiable, well, I’m way, way, way behind the rest of you!

So Boy Toy and I had our share of fun and I definitely had the best shower sex ever with him when he met me straight from work one day.  We met at a hotel, he walked in and pushed me against the door with a hungry kiss.  I had the shower already running….after 25 minutes of soap-slathering, warm water-raining, senses-awakening fun, we finally cooled off.  Well, not for very long…there was a bed calling our names after-all. 

As it turned out, Boy Toy decided to revisit an old relationship not too long after we met, so we said ended our ‘friendship’.  In short order, I met “the one who ran away” and out of respect for each other and anyone we are interested in, Boy Toy and I have an agreement not to contact each other if we are seeing others.  I can honestly say, while both of us would be upset if some tragedy befell the other, as we would any friend, we have had absolutely no emotional entanglements on either side.  This is why it worked. 

However, a few months later, we found ourselves both single again and decided to meet up.   This was many months ago and because he had a first date that night, we knew it was likely a one-time thing.   Boy Toy and I had enjoyed sexting… even though I’m not visual, he was a master at making a steamy shower video of himself.  We often sexted out what we would like to happen when we know we will see each other again, talking about a scene and then making it come true.  Such was our final and most memorable.

It was a hot July day and he would be at a friends’ garage working on his truck.    Come on girls, you know that alone is hot!  His friends’ garage is down a country highway with a medium amount of traffic that you can see from the garage itself.  His friend was out of town.   Not only was the garage door wide open when I arrived, but there was a huge picture window on the back side of it that faced a beautiful field that was surrounded by a wooded area.   

Boy Toy had told me exactly what he would like to happen when I visited him that day…what I should wear and what he would do to me and I to him.  He requested a short skirt, garter belt, nylons with French seams, high heels, sexy bra and a low cut shirt.  I aim to please, so of course, that’s exactly what I wore.   While I looked hot, even at 10a it was almost 90 degrees out that day.  I was literally hot, too.

When I arrived, remember I hadn’t seen him in a few months, we exchanged a hello and then some kisses.  I have to admit I find sex outside of a bedroom a complete thrill.  I call it semi-public because the changes of being discovered are very slim…but they’re still there.  Anyone of these good ole country boy types could have seen someone was working there and stopped by to visit…we do that in the south.  And in my mind, I’m sure there were little forest animals watching us through that window.  Even though no one caught us, the thought of it (and yes I would be embarrassed) elevates my arousal and excites just that much more. 

Boy Toy cleverly had the hood raised which not only allowed him to work on the car (grin), but also hid us from the street.   For some reason we never felt the need to be quiet and while I held on to the helm of the truck with him holding on to me, we played out some of the scenes he sexted to me.   One thing about having this sort of “friend” is that it can just be down and dirty, quick and unassuming.  Even so, while he displayed his long-lasting, youthful stamina as I held on to his truck with our nearly bare backs facing that beautiful meadow, it was damn near perfect.  Well, except for the horsefly who bit me part of the way through.   And I got a run in my nylons.  

Oh Well…that’s just the price of down and dirty sex in the great outdoors, or outdoor garages anyway, but it’s worth it.   Nylons can be replaced, bug bites heal but memories of that crazy sex you had in a garage on a hot July day…that stays with you forever, or at least until you’ve made up for all that lost time and the memories all run together.   Only 1258 more to go! 

Boy Toy Joy!

Before I was a midlife single gal, I believed what they portrayed on TV about Cougars.  I was under the belief that Cougars preferred younger men so the arm candy would raise their social status and that it was usually some sort of higher form of prostitution.  The young man did favors…those of a sexual nature and otherwise…in exchange for a comfortable life while he chased his own dreams without the weight of his own financial obligations.  That’s mostly what we see on TV anyway.

It wasn’t long before I was dating again that I realized this was all wrong.  For every one man my age who has approached me online or in person, I’ve been approached by an equal number of men 10-25 years my junior.  I constantly hear from young college boys who say they just aren’t into girls their age or they want to be with an experienced woman.  Cynics say that younger men see older women as easy and that is likely true of some of them.   I think most young guys realize that we know a thing or two in the bedroom and they want to experience what it’s like to be with a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality.   For me, there is still such a thing as too young, no matter the reason.

My little journey with my Boy Toy wasn’t entirely intentional, well, I was looking for a play thing, but not one so much younger than I.  I have long bragged about midlife men being such amazing lovers because they aren’t in a hurry, they have learned how to please a woman (hopefully)and they’ve learned to gain utter pleasure by experiencing their woman’s pleasure.  So honestly, I was quite happy with my previous similar-aged lovers.

My path to Boy Toy all started when I was bored one day.  Despite all the crazy stories in the news, I’ve had great success on finding some real quality men on the craigslist personals.  If you read my blog about my first date in 20 years, you know I stumbled upon dating again after looking for a desk on craigslist, so sometimes you have to return to your roots.  Now, I purposefully stay away from the casual encounters section…well, unless I’m trying to entertain myself…you can’t make that shit up!  I had run several ads in the relationship section, as well as the strictly platonic section, too.  However, I always sorta wondered when I would read the casual sex ads just WHO would answer them? 

Just to give you an example of one of my favorite ads, which was quietly nestled between men looking for lactating women or lunch time cheaters, I found an ad I still laugh about today.  It was for a man offering to orally please a woman with nothing expected in return.  He said to leave the door unlocked and email directions to the bedroom.  He would enter the room and the foot of the bed, make you have an orgasm and then leave…but oh yeah, please leave milk and cookies on the nightstand!  My friends and I have countless milk and cookies jokes from this.  This guy was like a Santa of a different mindset I guess…still giving gifts, but enjoying a snack for his trouble!   See…you can’t make this shit up!

So back to my bored Wednesday…I decided I would run an ad just to see how men replied.  I had a feeling I would be inundated with penis pictures and lewd promises but actually, I only got one such picture and not really any lewd emails, just men bragging so I would choose them.  Honestly, I had no idea if I would reply to even one….I was just curious, and of course, bored.  I’m like that if you haven’t figured it out by now. ..ever-curious of midlife dating in all forms and fashions!

Here’s the Ad:

“Do you know your way around a woman’s body?  Are you fond of long slow kisses and not thinking of rushing to the next thing but enjoying the moment?  Would you like a woman that enjoys sex and is an enthusiastic, expressive partner who is as into your pleasure as her own?  Then please apply here.” 

It went on to say you had to have a job, not be married, enjoy sexting and have some available time.  It said to NOT send a pic of your ‘finer parts’ and that I wouldn’t have sex with them until I had met them a few times and trusted them.

Actually most of the men who replied seemed fairly decent.   I had three I talked to a bit and decided I would meet.  One of them asked me out for that Friday night…we can call him “close call” as I think he really was a scumbag, but both of my girlfriends liked him the best when we were going through the replies.  However, two hours before the date, he told me had a problem at work and was going to have to reschedule.  He tried for the following night but I was seeing Timid Tom on Saturday and told him that Tom was leading in my search so I would likely have the position filled once I met him anyway.   I had also been talking to Boy Toy, but because of his age, I hadn’t agreed to meet up with him just yet.  So when “close call” cancelled, I asked Boy Toy if could meet me later and he agreed! 

Close Call ended up texting me…from home…at the exact time we were supposed to meet asking me to come to his house and have sex with him.  I said, dude, you have not been paying attention.  Obviously, I never would meet him, but he still texts me every couple of months and tries again.  Shameful.   Timid Tom will be for another blog perhaps…back to Boy Toy.

We met up at a Mexican restaurant.  Boy Toy was a big strapping young man who had played football in high school, went on to be in the coast guard and was now a welder.  Girls…if you’re looking for a friend with benefits only, getting a man who is good with his hands should definitely be at the top of your wish list!  

We had a great chat and it wasn’t long before I wished I could take the table between us and throw it to the side, straddle his lap and kiss him!  There was palpable chemistry.   Of course I didn’t do that but it would have been fun!  We finished our drinks and he walked me to my Mini-van, god I hated that thing (actually Timid Tom helped me get rid of it, thankfully!)  Leaning against my mommy van, he gave me some amazingly raw kisses with these soft and pillowy lips of his.  Oh yes…he was definitely friends with benefits material and I was content to choose him for the job. 

Although I didn’t know it just yet, Boy Toy is the one man I’ve met so far who has a stronger sex drive than I do…and just how much younger is he?  I thought it was only 9 years, only to find out a few weeks later he was actually 12 years younger!   He didn’t lie about his age, I just misremembered when reading those 200+ emails I got from my ad.  As the kisses deepened and his arousal pressed up against me while I was splayed against my mini-van door,   there was no denying we were going to be a good sexual chemistry match!  My bored Wednesday experiment had just exploded into a fireball of passion…to find out more about some of our sexcapades…tune in for my next blog! 

Don't Buy the Lie!

If you’ve been divorced (or never married) and are in midlife, male or female, you’ve heard time and time again that you shouldn’t NEED someone in your life.  You are ENOUGH by yourself.  You need to LOVE being single.  You have read articles and list after list of all the reasons why you should be so blessed to be all YOU need in your life! 

No one needs these lists for being coupled.  You don’t have to be told by a thousand experts why you are lucky to be in a healthy, loving relationship.  You don’t have to be told because already know!  No one has to remind you why companionship, affection, acceptance and comfort is good…our whole being…mind, soul, heart and body knows it’s good.    

So why do people work so hard to convince us that being single is the ultimate, and only after you find yourself incidentally single?  Doesn’t society tell us from day one that the ultimate goal is to be married with a white picket fence and 2.2 perfect children, a well-paying job, new cars, enviable vacations and plenty of fabulous friends? 

But the second we find ourselves uncoupled, well, we have to hear endless people, including all the “experts” tell us why we are lucky. Then almost in the same breath, those who care for us pummel us with questions about our status…are you dating?  Are you dating anyone special?  Then when you answer no, you see their disappointed faces and either you tell them some line about why you aren’t looking (even if you are) or they tell you how the world is your oyster and you should be loving it.

It can’t be both ways, folks! 

Now granted, if you’ve been through a midlife divorce, you have undoubtedly had people come out of the woodwork to tell you how much they dislike being married.  Or you can now use your post-divorce-spidey-sense to see that many people really aren’t happy with their relationships despite how happy they make it look on facebook. 

Honestly, it’s the ‘experts’ (who by and large, aren’t even single) that go on and on about how we need to be content with our singleness.  Even in my church-going days, the married women would say…”Once you are content being single is when your husband will come along.”  Really?  No!  This is why the second any of us, male or female, meet someone we have a spark and connection with we turn into mushy teenagers at the speed of lightning! 

We are also urged to appear fierce in our singleness, neglect vulnerability and therefore feel we can’t openly express our very basic God-given need…which is relationship.  And heaven forbid we be real about this common need on a dating profile!  The person of the opposite sex has now been programmed to read that must be needy, clingy, desperate or looking for a sugar daddy if you mention your real desire to find someone.  Um…hello!  Aren’t we on dating websites to find love?  Let’s just agree to be real about THAT little known fact, which by the way, is backed by a two billion industry.  Yeah, those moguls are laughing all the way to the bank at the games we play and the lies we’ve bought into that prevent us from really finding love and keep us coming back for more…because they know unless we change our mindset, we will make the same mistakes time and again. 

Don’t get me wrong…I’m a pretty independent person.  I’m determined, driven when I want to be, intuitive and a great problem solver.  I’m also an introvert by nature (except in the bedroom), a fairly peaceful and quiet person (again, except in the bedroom)…and I NEED and crave alone time (except in the bedroom!)  There are things I enjoy about being single and being free of expectations someone else might put on me.  But what if it brings MORE joy to my life to be able to cook for someone else, to do something loving or sacrificial for the person I care about vs doing that same thing JUST for myself.   What if fulfilling those expectations for someone else, which is the ultimate expression of love, actually makes your life better?

I don’t need a man to complete me.  Nor would I want to be with a man who needed someone to complete him.  I’ve always liked the 1 x 1=1 thinking about couples versus the two halves make a whole.  But I do want to complement him and for him to complement me.  (That’s complement…as in add value to or enhance, but compliments are always great, too!)  I am looking for a man that makes me a better version of myself and I would like to feel I am the same for him.  This, of course, doesn’t mean when I am not dating someone I am a lesser person, either.

What’s wrong with admitting we would like someone to eat dinner with at the end of the day, discuss our happenings, world events and laugh at life’s little mishaps?  What’s wrong with wanting to wake up with someone who doesn’t look their best in the morning?  What’s wrong with knowing your coffee time would be just a little better if you were sitting snuggled close to someone on the couch?  Then there’s knowing that parties are harder to go to alone and having someone to just call or text during the day when it’s a particularly good one or even when it’s not so good, makes the day just a little bit better.  And of course, sex…don’t even TRY to pretend it’s better alone…as I always say…(okay, Marvin Gaye said it first) “Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby!”  And those that would argue no-strings-attached sex is more desirable to sex with a loving partner who you can sexually engage any time you want, I say “Bollocks!”   

So I’m giving myself permission and I’d love for yourself permission, too…sure we can be complete, whole and emotionally stable singletons who aren’t desperate to be completed by some other person.  We can be strong, we can know what we want….and what we want is to find love!  It’s okay to admit it to yourself!  It’s okay to say it out loud!    It’s okay to put on your dating profile!  It’s okay to share with your date!  It’s okay to be who really are, to freely feel and express what you really need…that’s confidence, that’s independence, that’s damn sexy!