What an old TV taught me about dating...

Although I seem to have a lot of “things” that make my home cozy and sometimes even on the cluttered side, its mostly family stuff.  My things are not of much value by the worlds’ standards, but for me, the value is high.  I can often be heard telling my children, “be careful with that, it was your great-grandmother’s.”  We could easily use a new couch, my kids don’t always have the latest and greatest trendy things,  and no one would argue we need a new TV, but overall we have more than so many others. 

When my ex-husband moved out, he took one of the TV’s.  It was the one we used upstairs.  I am not a big TV watcher and never watch in bed, but one of my sons needs to rest a lot because of a medical condition so it affected him the most.   The financial repercussions, especially immediately after a separation, make it impossible for most people to go out and make purchases like a TV.  So I posted on facebook that if anyone had an old TV they needed to get rid of cheap, to let me know. 

It was around Christmastime and it just so happened that one of my friends had bought her daughter a new TV for Christmas so she would give me her old TV/DVD combo the day after.  So I picked up the banged-up, sticker-laden TV and brought it home.  Of course it was bulkier, older and smaller than the one it was replacing but it did the trick, even if the images didn’t always fit the screen exactly as they were intended. 

Overall, it served its purpose…my son was able to lie down and watch TV from his bed when he didn’t feel like joining us in the living room.  Periodically I looked online to see if I could find any amazingly cheap TV deals, but I never bought one.  I also perused the Black Friday Sales Ads to see if there was a deal worth fighting for, but I’m always tight on money that time of year anyway.  Plus, I’m a lover not a fighter and I’m certainly not going to act like a fool for a television!

Even before last Christmas the TV started doing something odd.  It was only black and white now.  This was annoying to my son at first, but eventually he got used to it and doesn’t even notice it at all anymore. 

About a week ago, the sound went out…well, we could turn it up to 100 and it was like a whisper.  We live in a smaller place now so I could leave the living room TV on the same channel at regular volume and the combination would allow him to barely hear it.  Sure, this was even more annoying but I found it interesting that my son never complained about the fact that not only is the volume not working, but the color was out.  I would have been complaining to my parents saying “Mom, we really need a new one…this TV is a joke!” 

The volume issue lasted about two days before a fuse happened to blow in two of the bedrooms.  When we flipped the breaker back on, our ears were pierced with 100-times the volume on that little TV.  It worked again.  We were thrilled that the volume had returned, I was thrilled I hadn’t even considered going back out and getting a new model, and again, there was no mention of the lack of color, which by the way, didn’t return unfortunately.

But as I thought about all of that, I thought about dating and really just accepting people for who they are.  One thing you’ve probably heard me say is I love imperfection in people and I also realize we are all flawed.  Finding someone to love who will love you back at this age is not about finding the perfect person, it’s about finding a set of flaws you can live with…loving someone in spite of them, even loving someone because of them. 

If we treated that TV like we tend to treat potential future partners, well, we would have been on to the next new shiny model.  One of the biggest problems with online dating is the urge to not always be wondering if there’s someone better in the next profile you click on.  A lot of dating coaches tell you to date as many people at a time as you can handle, it’s a numbers game afterall.  But, if you do that, then as soon as the volume goes out or the colors start to fade, you are on to the next new thing.  The problem is, you will never find what you are looking for because you never stop the search.  You fail to see all the good things that exist beyond the flaws. 

If you stick it out eventually you don’t see that loss of color anymore…just like my son quit noticing it with his TV.  My son is just looking for a TV to distract him from his pain and fatigue, from the day to day grind that he faces….isn’t that what we want from a relationship?  Lack of color, (like the battering of life make people who they are) didn’t change what my son needs…and a temporary lack of volume didn’t either. 

The correlation for the lack of volume speaks, well, volumes to me.  If you’ve been dating for long at all, you know the tendency for people to “go dark”, “fade out” and generally just quit communicating.  Some do it and you never hear from them again…they can’t simply be kind and just share that they don’t think you’re a match…I’ve been on both ends of that, but one text explaining I am moving on doesn’t seem like a huge sacrifice of kindness.  In that case, unlike our old TV, the volume doesn’t come back on and you have to go looking for another one, and that’s okay.

But there’s also the temporary lack of volume in dating.  Have you had that happen to you?  Where maybe you usually talk ever day but suddenly there’s a shift?  Many people feel entitled and drive right over to the Best Buy and buy a new TV…feeling like they shouldn’t be bothered with such an unreliable One.  As a woman who likes a man to lead, I can usually make myself push through those times of temporary lack of volume.   Most often this happens early on, where you don’t have a solid foundation yet and they go through something unexpected.  Some men (and God love them for it) will just tell you they are having a hard time and needing some quiet.  (Sometimes they get cold feet, and its harder to predict the outcome in that case.) 

 My mantra is if they want to be with me, if I create an understanding and non-judgemental place to rest, they will come back just like that volume did.  When they do, we have unspoken understanding and trust…we are usually stronger.  And the bruised and battered know that I just might be reliable and trustworthy afterall.  Next time, the temporary loss of volume will be shorter or not at all, because just like my son, they just wants a place of rest and comfort. 

So my challenge to you is when you start to notice the loss of color, the flaws, what DO you see that makes you happy, that adds value to them and to you?  If there’s a temporary loss of volume, don’t immediately start shopping for a replacement, be patient for a couple of days and see what happens.  Be the soft place for people to land, even if you still have to go shopping, purpose to be the person who sees the good, who leaves the good and who makes the shopping experiences just a little bit better.