Why buying the Cow was the biggest mistake of my youth

I’m a southern gal, I was raised in the “buck of the bible belt” by a wonderful mom.  My mom was sweet, honest, caring and well, naïve.  Any time I met any of the friends of her youth, they would tell me how innocent she always was, therefore it’s no wonder that she would attempt to raise me in much the same way. 

Additionally when I was young, my family found religion, so I was raised in the church and taught from both, my parents and church leaders, to save myself for marriage.  While it kept me naive, it didn't keep me altogether wholesome as I had my first REAL French kiss in the backseat of the church bus…gasp!  And I felt a penis for the first time in a car in the church parking lot…double gasp!  I have to laugh now…he stuck my hand down his pants, but I had NO idea what he wanted me to do with it!  Oops!

However, the “waiting until marriage” teaching somehow kept me from doing much more than first or second base throughout private high school and Bible college.  By the time I had met my husband, a popular book was taking Christian dating by storm. It suggested “courting”, and all of my friends were subscribing to its methods.  This included being friends first and only dating if you already felt you could marry the person, while the second tenant was not kissing until your wedding day.  I signed up for both of those ideals for SOME reason. 

So when my ex-husband and I started dating, I told him my “rules” and he agreed to it.  Needless to say, we had a very short courtship before getting engaged and then planned a wedding for less than six months later.  About a month after our engagement, we ACCIDENTALLY kissed!  While I loved kissing, I had a nagging dialog in the back of my head, followed by guilt.  We went another month without kissing and did it again, only this time there was a little more than kissing, but not too much. 

So went our whole engagement…back and forth between a few stolen moments of passion, then the guilt would follow, then we would make a promise not to "slip up" again.  We were rarely alone due to roommates, church groups and family events so that seemed to help keep us straight and distracted most of the time.   

Then we got married and while we had a great time sexually the first week or so, I soon learned we were not going to be one of those newlywed couples who were having sex every single day.  I had been a virgin (he was not) and guess what I found out about myself?  I love sex!  I had no idea I would love sex so much, but yeah, I did.  I thought it was the best thing in the world and I wanted it all the time!

And guess what else?  My new husband didn’t care much about sex at all.  In fact, it was fairly low on his priority list, falling down somewhere between clean laundry and organizing his wallet.  It wasn’t that he didn't find me attractive, or the sex we had wasn’t good (even if it was all I knew at the time)...I knew he did and I knew it was.  Actually, how we were as lovers seemed excellent compared to what my friends were saying about their own bedroom activities.  While in the throes of passion, he was giving and selfless much of the time, but having sex more than once a week was beyond what he expected of newlywed life.  I was ready to go any minute, any time, any place, so you can imagine this set me up for years of rejection, and also made me always the initiator, which to be honest just sucked! 

Now that I have talked to many men about their sexual experiences, and know that men find me desirable and beautiful despite my body flaws, I am now confident the lack of sex in our marriage had nothing to do with me.  I do know it was peculiar that my ex husband never "took care of himself" and admittedly, that is often the way I personally coped with his low libido.  Regardless of the reason, I have been able through the divorce, to free myself, to find ME!  The true sexual, authentic and sensual being that makes me, as my BFF puts it, the best kept secret around. 

So imagine, in my early 40s realizing that I now had sexual freedom that I had never experienced before!  Also imagine me having to go see my 28 year old doctor about birth control and safe sex (ok, that’s a whole other blog post.) And knowing how much I adore sex while also balancing the fact that I’m a mother and can’t go crazy! 

I have had an epiphany though, on one hand I feel it’s a blessing to have not known how much I liked sex when I was at a more impressionable age.  Imagine if I had known really what to do in the church parking lot...it might have set me on a course for some crazy teen years where I acted on my sexual appetite and ended up in a very different place in life.  I just might have been spared when I think of it in that way.  However, I was also frustrated, dissatisfied and probably grumpy too, through 20 years of a marriage with little-to-no sex.  The last year we were married we had sex 2 times, I would say even in our best years, we probably only got together 20 times a year…I’d like that much a month, please! 

So I have decided I will not teach my children in the way I was taught.  I will teach them that sex is one (wonderful) facet of a relationship that MUST be explored this part before marriage or a serious commitment.  Maybe they will listen, and if they don’t, that’s okay too…I believe in letting kids be themselves.  Regardless, encouraging my children to marry under a pretense that I fed them would never be something I considered a parental accomplishment.  I hope they will discover who they are far earlier in life that I did, regardless of what that means for their sex life.  

I’ve decided a few other things, too…I will never “buy the cow” before trying the milk…okay, well, I’m not sure I will ever buy another cow again, but I know I wouldn’t commit to any kind of relationship without trying the milk first.  Also, with my sexual appetite, there is no shortage of men who want a woman like me.  By the way, I’m not a big head-turner, but most men have related to me because they were also sexually deprived during the end or maybe even all of their own marriage, so we both have a goal to make up for lost time, too. 

Finally, I’ve learned through my own sexual journey that no two partners are the same, there’s a variable dairy case with different types of milk to try and thanks to a couple of key men, I’ve already found that I really do look great in thigh high nylons, although I’m not sure what they have to do with cows!